Little This and That

On the home front I have not done much of anything this week. I have slept in ridiculously late, I have gone to bed fairly early (for me), and I have remained in a rather relaxed state. I think having Gracie here is the best thing possible, and as I move forward towards preparing for my month away from home in January, I am beginning to get upset knowing I won't have her with me. My mom has completely won the needy snuggle puppy over, and its been funny to watch Courtney and Mom get to know my dog and love her. The idea of the week has been from Mom, "Kari, just leave Gracie here in January". Honestly, I continue to think about it. I talked to Matty and asked if he would take a road trip up north when I got back in Feb. to come get Grace (and obviously we would include Tex on the road trip: so Tex if you are reading this you have been included, I just haven't talked to you yet). I am not sure, I have two days to decide.

Things of Note:

1) Mom made Baklava because she knew I loved it, and remembered how excited I was when Matty made it. That made me smile. The way my two families are merging together continues to make my heart swell with gratitude, and I'm thankful that I have friends my parents appreciate in my life. 

2) Gracie can't get on the bed... its too high of the ground. She literally has to get a running start, and the other night I picked her up so she could stop whining and we could snuggle. Why i this dog so funny?

3) I had lunch with my friend Sandy, and I just absolutely love her and her little kids. I'm not a kid person, but I gathered a glimpse of my future in having my own family and it seriously made my heart happy- not scared, I continue to feel that this is an area the Lord continues to change and expand in my heart. 

4) I am talking more openly about the move- and I have felt really affirmed this week. I knew that I was going into this week in CT praying about it, spending time with family, and seeking out some people who have always loved me well for their wisdom. The Lord has continued to show me how I am not alone in this process, and for that I'm so deeply thankful. I have been asked great questions, and I have not always had thoughtful answers in response. But... I have made plans, arrangements, and decisions- and for me that has been where some of the greatest answers have lived. In support and without objection I continue to move towards the biggest change. 

5) I have had the best emails and chats with Matty this week. I'm including this here because it seriously has been such a source of warmth. I just love that kid. 

That's the top Five.

Gracie

We made it to CT... and the snow is sparkling white- its actually really beautiful. I prefer skirts and flip flops--but the snow is magical and I actually love it.

Gracie does too- which is a surprise and a half, "Miss I don't pee in the rain". I don't think its possible for me to love my dog more. 

Where I Stood

I have woken up to this song every morning for two weeks. It haunts me during the day, and I catch myself humming it to myself when I'm in one of the offices here at work alone. I can't escape it, and I honestly try not to play it obsessively on the iPod. While a break up song, it is completely me of this moment. Some of the lyrics are below.

I keep thinking about the very large steps I'm making forward- and I keep finding myself submersed in moments in which my heart is full and unable to grasp how to articulate the impending changes. I imagine myself sitting across from a friend and speaking the first part of the song, and I imagine my tears and I can sense that my heart starts to scream in the silence of trying to talk... so instead I remain quiet.

I wake up to this song in my head every morning, and I think about it during the day. Perhaps it is the most recent addition to the life anthems I have attached myself to over the years. I could break down each line and verse and tell you what I think of, and what it means to me- but I'm just not ready. So instead, if you happen to catch it on XM, or if you download it just to listen to it and hear where I'm at... know that this song haunts me and I just can't remove the melody and the meaning out of my head.


Where I Stood
Missy Higgins

I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head
Little voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

'Cos I don't know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do

100,000

My car hit its 100,000th mile yesterday. I have been watching the numbers tick away the past week or so knowing that it was quickly approaching. And yesterday, on my way to Nelson Street it went. I was able to grab a photo pre-and post change on the phone. I've thought about all of those miles. My car is a little over three years old, which averages out the miles to about 33,000 a year. Truth is that most of those miles were put on between August 2007 and now, December 2008. I went everywhere in my trusty Honda, and I think I'm more emotionally attached to it then I thought. It has been a lot of places up and down the East Coast, and I'm excited about where it is going to take me on Saturday... to Connecticut for the Holiday. Gracie and I will load it up and head on North through the traffic and congestion associated with construction and arrive at my mom's house. It has been a little over a year since I was last up North, and now as I look towards the week ahead I am excited to be there. I desperately need some perspective from life that I am currently not able to attain remaining in my everyday. Which I suppose brings me to my next current life issue.

I have debated long and hard about a moving date out of Lexington, VA... and I have written endlessly about being content, finding patience in small pockets, seeking Christ and His plan. The time has come that knowledge combines with the heart seeking His purpose. In deciding to pursue what I have on my heart, I have put into motion some time in Ky/In for the month of January. News of this decision has not spread far and wide, but those I have begun to share with have returned my tears and news with "I'm proud of you". There has been something about hearing that, that has made such an impact. I know that their pride is rooted in love, but its almost like in a strange way- that they knew that this was what needed to happen the entire time... and now that I see it, and I'm boldly moving forward their hearts can only respond to my fear with encouragement and support.

I have had a couple of really good days at work. I love Nelson Street, I love the energy, and I love the ladies I work with. I have been a little antisocial among the great friends I have here, and I know that it is a reflection of the inner dialogue I have about where I'm going and what I might find there. It's a confusing and complexing blend of emotion- and there are days when I feel manic and insane. Mostly, I think I'm just sad. I'm tired. I fear that if I don't attempt to make some changes right now, I never will... and for that I fear remaining here in this place- regardless of the dreams and relationships I have, I will remain stagnant. I can set up a work room in a new house, and I can contribute to a new community in a new town. I may love my house, my friends here... but my life? My life is not what I want it to be. I want more. I can see clearly now that wanting more and pursuing better are intertwined- and that I need to know that I can do it. I need to know that I can go. I need it more then I want it, and perhaps that is why I feel like the Lord is calling me in this direction.

So on Saturday I will go home and begin a week at home with Gracie, and my family. I will think and I will pray about January- and how what I might determine will dramatically impact my February... I will go back and forth about what I think I should do. And I will probably find myself sorting out those thoughts, here... the open abyss of the blog where every last dream and plan has been written over the past year and a half.

Change.

On shuffle a gift came the other day, a song I've never listened to that was tucked away for a special introduction-- and so it has become the latest current obsessed song on the iPod. I am working my way through things that I cannot change, wouldn't change, and have to change. I made a large step last week in talking about an area in my life that was hurting. I allowed others to see the pain, and I think in more ways then I could ever understand at the time- it meant that I was showing myself how real it was, and how I needed to let it go in a way that I thought I already had. Keeping things inside will do that, you will run in circles and after you've exhausted yourself you stop thinking so much about it. I think for myself when I stop thinking so much, I fool myself into believing its because I've moved on, forgiven, or let go completely... when really something else has just taken the spot of attention for awhile. The band aid came off, and what was exposed was not just the truth of a situation- but also the heart issue below the surface.

I cannot change choices I've made... I have to let them go.
I need to learn how to forgive those things.
In time I will continue to learn how to love what I cannot change.
But, I will change.

It started with talking. The movement continued in saying goodbye to something important to me that was hurting. In its place came perspective that we are always making choices, and how one choice can impact a whole slurry of things that we would never think are connected. I'm thankful I started talking, and I'm thankful that in doing so the burden to carry it was not left on my own shoulders. The weight was shared. While with being vulnerable comes fear, and panic-- when I was able to get through those things... what was left was something sturdy, something true... there was freedom. And I wouldn't change that, for anything.

What I Cannot Change
L.Rimes

I know what makes me comfortable
I know what makes me tick
And when I need to get my way I know how to pour it on thick
Cream and sugar in my coffee
Right away when I awake
I face the day and pray to God I won't make the same mistakes
Oh the rest is out of my hands

I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

I don't know my Father
Or my Mother well enough
Seems like every time we talk we can't get past the little stuff
The pain is self inflicted
I know it's not good for my health
But it's easier to please the world than it is to please myself
Oh the rest is out of my hands

Right now I can't care about how everyone else will feel
I have enough hurt of my own to heal

I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

today.

ikea.

australia by baz with hugh and nicole.

Marriott.... dream king size bed.

Does the day get much better? I am in Arlington, VA spending the night at the Marriott where my Nikon Photography class will be hosted tomorrow. I drove up from Lexington around 11am, made some stops along the way and found myself at Potomac Mills, where I took in a 3:35pm showing of Australia. My desire to visit the Outback has definitely been increased since spending 2 hours and 45 minutes listening to the accents and admiring the cinematography. I followed the movie up with some outlet shopping (no winners), and a phone chat with Mandy while sitting in one of the living rooms on the Ikea showroom floor... and while our phone chat got cut off short and I had much more to say-- I walked away happy to talk to her and then I got a text message telling me "I really do love you and you are amazing. I'm so glad you are my friend". It was a perfect message for the perfect moment. 

It was a great day, I smiled easily and freely- I made a friend in the parking lot at Potomac Mills, and now I am enjoying the most comfortable bed with big feather pillows a girl could ask for. With the exception of the 10 minute conversation with Mandy, I have remained fairly quiet-- and the constant dialogue in my head wasn't just me running ideas in circles. I asked myself questions-and answered them, I talked myself through some dreams and plans... and I sang along loudly with the iPod.... loudly... it was fantastic. 

On a side note-- In the car today while on shuffle a song came up twice, when does that ever happen? I love this song, always have... and twice it came on the iPod completely random. Anyway, it really just struck a cord with me today and I found it to be quite encouraging. 

Waiting On Your Love by Justin McRoberts

There's nothing so heavy
Weighing down the soul
As the weight of nothing
Worth my strength to hold

There's no pain so cutting
No battle as in vain
As the constant battle
To avoid the pain

You were poor when you were born
You could see Your Father clearly
Through the nothing that You owned

Free me from these binds, Lord
I am choking on the gifts this world gives, Jesus
I am waiting on Your love

So as Your word has promised
I must clearly choose
To lose my life and gain Your love
Or love my life and lose

Not As We

How many times have I loved something or someone before I understood or knew what it meant?

I am song oriented. I am obsessed with the written lyric, and the way that the melody is just meant for it. I never just drive by a sunset without noticing it, and I'm learning how to pay attention to see more rainbows. Where I am is not where I was and who I am is not who I was. There are places in my heart that I have taken four steps back, and in other areas I am moving right along at a nice pace... a healthy one. All of these random thoughts do make sense, they are connected I promise. 

In making choices about where I am going in the future, a few weeks ago I made the largest one. I decided to not decide. I put on the shelf the destination and associated a time frame in which I can handle and I left the thought there. I decided the choice to go could not be made in wisdom if I refused to appreciate and live my life here. This notion has been easier in some moments, and much harder in others. I have voices that continually ask me what I think, what I want to do, and challenge me in being content in the workplace. The shelf that I put the pressure and anxiety on is sturdy, and I know where it is. I know that there will be times I will be before it removing all that I've trusted there, and I know that there's a possibility I won't be able to handle it on my own and I will freak out.... again. But I also know that not holding it so closely, and not having it mean so much right now will allow me to open up and grow in ways necessary... so maybe, just maybe when I know that the aching in my heart is not just a fantasy I will be able to chose it confidently, take it off the shelf and not look back. 

I have always loved rainbows. I have loved rainbows since I was a little girl, for the simple beauty and marvel of them. I did not know then that they were a sign of God's promise. I loved them before I understood or knew what they meant. My love increased when I could appreciate that the Lord is with me, and that the rainbow is a gift to me, as much as it was to Noah back in the day. 

I have always been drawn to Independence. I didn't know when I was younger what it meant in responsibility to get older, I just loved that it meant freedom. I was obsessed with the passing of each year, and the freedoms I would get to enjoy once 'of age'. Independence, I did not understand meant something more then learning how to drive, graduate High School, or making a mortgage payment. Now, living a life financially secure and separate from my parents, I find my perspective on Independence change as I've learned that dependence on particular things is important... I can't do it all solo- my youth wasn't some race to be free and on my own... it was really the road to understand that while I am my own person, I am a child of the King- and my dependence on Him is what I have to wake up everyday and continue to surrender. I loved Independence before I understood what it meant, and now in maturity I love it still because I can see how slippery a slope it can be, but how at the end of each day my freedom is in Christ and not in my own agenda. 

Each day is new. Each day I wake up on the right side of the bed after I've told Gracie to get down. I don't know what would happen if I chose the left side... I think Gracie would be so confused.  There are days when I get dressed and go to work. There are days when I have a misc. to do list in the house. Recently there are more days in which I have found myself sitting at my desk working on my pictures, and figuring out how to sell them. For the past three weeks every day I have listened to the same play list. It starts with an Alanis song titled "Not As We". She is a wordy and poetic song writer and so it took some time before I could really grasp what she was trying to convey in her melody. I knew that I loved the song. I loved the sound, and I loved the way it moved my heart. I loved it in these ways before I understood what it meant. 

Last night when I was driving home I did something very unlike me... I did not listen to the radio or my iPod. I drove between 113 Houston Street and 34 White Oak Lane without a single sound from my stereo. For a mile or two I just drove, it was almost midnight and I was tired. But then I started talking. It wasn't because I was afraid of the silence, or because I like the sound of my own voice so much. It was because it was time to have a conversation with Jesus that my heart had been holding captive and away from the Savior... because I was afraid of what He might say. I said a lot in the car, it was a meaningful and it was honest. What I found myself asking was for Day One. A new start in some areas of my life that I'm struggling with. I prayed that I would be able to let go of thoughts, regrets, relationships, and dreams that are holding me back. 

Not a single song was on my radio. I have thought often that Jesus lives in the radio, as I've felt spoken to many times when listening to the eclectic mix that I have no control over. I have had friends laugh with me about this, and I've had friends experience those moments of "seriously, 3 times I have to hear this song tonight?". While its cheesy and an over used term, the song that I heard in an otherwise silent car, was one from my heart and it was not what I thought it would sound like. It was new, it was different. I don't understand it, and I don't know what the lyrics meant- but I love it. I love it like I loved rainbows as a little girl, how I love dependence on Christ now- even if it find it impossible for me to do that well, and I love it like I love "Not As We"... now that I understand what that song means. 

The song I heard in my heart was a collection of moments, conversations, and looks. Those moments you can't forget. The conversations that are you just standing still before a friend as you've exposed your hurt... when the reply has only been your name over and over again, and that 'its ok'. The looks in making someone laugh simply in their enjoyment of who you are. I heard something that I loved. And that was knowing that Day One is any day I chose it, and going forward as I, means leaving all those hurts, distractions, relationships that keep me further from Christ and who I'm supposed to be behind. Those are the "We's". Today for me, has meant, calming the shivering I have when I'm nervous in a difficult conversation, starting again, from scratch... in the silence I hear my name over and over again, and it says "It's Ok". 

Not As We by Alanis Morissette

Reborn and shivering
Spat out on new terrain
Unsure, unconvincing
This faint and shaky hour

Gun-shy and shivering
Tear it without a hand
Feign brave with steel intent
Little and hardly here

Day one, day one
Start over again
Step one, step one
I'm barely making sense
For now I'm faking it
'Til I'm pseudo-making it
From scratch, begin again

But this time I as I,

And, not as we...

1,682 miles

Between Tuesday of last week and concluding yesterday afternoon, I had traveled 1,682 miles. Thankfully I did not have it all go on my car, just half. I saw a lot of 64E/W... and stopped half a dozen times along the way because I consumed too much soda or iced coffee.

I went to Hamburg, PA to meet up with my mom to reunite her with her dog Boomer. I then went to Williamsburg, VA where I stayed for a couple of days to celebrate Thanksgiving with Bill, Meghan, and my Dad. That night I pulled into their driveway and was just so tired. I spent 12 hours in the car that day, most of which just thinking. I talked to Boomer like he was a person, and I listened to my iPod on shuffle. I didn't talk on the phone until that night when a friend was also in their car driving home for the Holiday. I almost wish that I had talked to someone like that earlier, so I could spend the other hours of quiet in the car just thinking about some of the topics we covered.

Arriving with my Wii in tow, the family was able to relax with each other and play some hysterical Olympic and tennis games. I laughed from such a deep true place that my head started to hurt and tears were sliding down my cheeks...it was so funny. My brother purchased his Wii today. How funny is that?

I made it home to Lexington (VA), and then got in Matt's car for our trip to Mandy's in OH. I was so tired of being in the car, I think I almost started pulling my hair out. However, the wonderful Apple store restored my hope in customer service and I got my mac book fixed by Max... the Cincinnati love of my life. I also deeply love Mandy Stegman... I love many things about her- but my favorite thing is that being with her is natural, regardless of the amount of time between visits or frequency of our phone chats. Its like we were never apart.

On Saturday night I got to experience my "Virginia Family" in Ohio at the Festival of Lights at the Zoo. It was great to be together in the midst of lights, music, the aroma of cinnamon roasted almonds, and animals. I laughed a lot with them, and I had a fantastic conversation with Theresa... which was done walking arm in arm, slowly behind our three friends.

Sunday morning I woke up in KY after only a few shorts hours of sleep to meet Seth and Julie for Coffee. I love them. I want to live with them. I think I might do that. I spent the afternoon just resting before going to Lex, KY for the night. I feel at ease there, and I laugh there. I got to hang out with my favorite, Laura Purdy and felt spoken to and challenged at church... seriously Jesus has his act together- it could not have been a more perfectly spoken sermon for where I was, and what I needed to hear.

Driving home, Tex and I caught up with Matt in WV and traveled through some windy snow storms. It was slow moving, but we were trying to be safe and not leave Matt stranded in his winter driving anxiety. To stay awake and alert we talked, and we sang along to the radio. Anyone who knows me, knows that I can talk. Anyone who knows Tex and I's friendship, knows that we can talk endlessly. Yesterday in the little Honda Accord two friends talked about all sorts of things. I felt like we had been in the car for days by the time we arrived at the boys house...simply because I was so tired. I was tired of talking. I was tired from driving 1682 miles in a long weekend. I was tired of thinking. I was... tired. I wanted a hug from someone to welcome me home, and I wanted affirmation that thoughts and feelings I had that came up in the marathon conversation were heard in love.

So the road trip was a success. I saw people that I loved- and most of all it wasn't filled with many people and little time...but a few important people and quality time. I know that I have a tremendous amount to be thankful for each and every day. I know that I don't often thank the Lord when I talk to Him... and I know that I can live my life always wanting more and never seeing what I have. In the 1,682 miles I was able to spend hours upon hours thinking in the car staring out into nowhere, and I was able to spend a few hours sharing my heart- and including those I care about in on the inner workings of my heart, and hurts. I am thankful for each mile, even though it was easy to complain about being tired. I am thankful for them because each one brought me closer to someone I loved... I am thankful for them because each one allowed dialog and conversation to happen with no excuses. I am thankful for many things. Most especially, waking up in my own bed this morning with Gracie snuggled along side just wanting to be close in her unconditional love and affection.

"She lives her life on the road,
She'll marry the miles- to see how far they go,
And the past keeps moving too slow..."

tradition.

Christmas Joy.

Christmas Spirit.

It's everywhere.

When I was little I remember begging my grandfather to play my favorite of his extensive collection Christmas Carol records on the player in our living room. I would sit on the pristine white carpet leaning up against the couch looking at each record jacket memorizing every detail, and listening to the songs on repeat. This was also paired with the viewing of kids classic Christmas movies, that were finally purchased on VHS because I requested renting them so often.

Our family has always had its share of Holiday Traditions. They range from Christmas Pajama's on Christmas Eve (EVERY year), the double doors closing off the living room until everyone was awake and then being opened the most elaborate display of of presents, opening stockings pre-breakfast, then pancakes for the meal, and everyone having their turn going around opening a gift and appreciating the moment. At one point there were four siblings, two parents, one grandparent, one dog, and one cat. The spectacle that was Christmas was eventful and rich in tradition. For several years I saw the tree in Rockefeller Center and enjoyed the window displays at Macy's. Growing up in New England always provided the hope for a snow dusted Christmas morning... and snuggling up with the dog with a blazing fire place to keep the day warm and comforting. 

Families change. Elements of tradition evolve into something new. I have many feelings about how all these changes have impacted the traditions in which I had latched onto in my childhood.

How to appreciate what you have and not compare it to what you remember... now that is the trick. Working Retail for many a Holiday Season my mind was very preoccupied with what I was doing in the work place, that reflecting on changes within my family were not of the highest thought priority. These days are different. I am not working 60 hours in Retail preparing for the rush of Black Friday or the Post Christmas returns and clearance sales. I am being bombarded with images of decorations, and my radio always seems to include some sort of Holiday melody. 

Christmas is everywhere. I appreciate that there are things that I grew up with that continue, despite the ever distant location of each member of my family. I am thankful that I still receive Christmas pajamas... that breakfast is still hot and delicious before a single gift is opened. I am thankful that my mom still has the stocking that I grew up with, and that my dad will still watch a Christmas Story with me. Somethings don't have to change. New traditions are created, and new memories are made.

Yet... my heart desires very much to be a little girl that would make so much noise in the house that her older brothers would have to wake up far earlier then they planned so that we could get the 'show' going... my heart still desires to watch "my ornaments" make their way front in center on the tree- you know the ones that you make in Elementary school with glitter, glue, and Popsicle sticks? I wish I could smell my grandfather making his coffee in the morning, and see him standing there in his plaid pajama pants- leather fleece lined slippers, and a Santa hat on his head. With my siblings all over the place, and my parents living their own separate lives I wish still to wake up one house... as one unit sitting around the breakfast table- with the anticipation mounting for the great reveal of gifts under the tree. 

This year, like the past 10 are different. I am approaching a crossroads where the amount of time I lived in the midst of childhood rooted memories is about to be less then the new traditions created in the changes in my family. I am not sure how I feel about that quite honestly. I look forward to having a family of my own, children of my own to instill things about the Holiday's that I loved growing up... and how a new cycle of love and celebration for Baby Jesus being born in a Manger will create new memories and new traditions. I know however, that I can't extend my reach for the future and hold onto the goodness that exists in the now, even if its different... even if it changed ten years ago. I need to appreciate the tradition I have, the moments I have.

Failure and Love

"Though I may fail you, I will never walk away from you."

"You bring out the worst in me but it’s the side I need to see
And through the conflicts and the difference and damage done
We are strong and still are one
You will fail me, you will fail me again and again and again
And I will fail you, I will fail you again and again and again
Again and again and again
But we will learn to love in spite of failure
Yes we will learn to love because of failure"

I have always made Apple Pie's at Thanksgiving. My family has requested them, and I have been able to contribute to the assortment of Holiday Eating's with my masterfully crafted pastry crust and apple filling. On Saturday I made a pie. I ignorantly changed the recipe a little bit and opted to try a different crust. It was edible, and it was good- but it was not great... it was not MY apple pie. Not satisfied with this failed attempt at baking, yesterday I made my second apple pie. It was in fact delicious, and I even dropped by my dad's house last night and gave him a hearty slice of the decadent dessert. My heart could rest after the completion and tasting of the successful pie creation.

I have always been particular to details and successes. Recently I have begun to understand more acutely how my perfectionism can get away from me, and cause me to be unsatisfied and paralyzed in creative areas of my life. I am not someone who fails easily or well, and yet I am constantly faltering, I am not perfect. I have running lists for the mail I would like to send- that never gets a stamp, I have plans for gifts that are never completed, I have pride rooted in being "right" even though I am often wrong... and I have illusions that I am composed and collected, when I know truly I am a running mess of emotion and conflict.

I am coming to terms with my failures. I am coming to grips with what they mean, and how I can grow from them- not to be perfect, not to be better... but to be able to surrender more of myself to the mercy of Christ so that they will be redeemed... so that I will be changed. What continues to pick away at the walls I have created is the desire to be known, to be vulnerable. I am tired of maintaining relationships based on the needs of those I care about, that allow me to remain protected. I have sought in the past couple of years friendships that are rooted in mutual respect, mutual faith, and mutual love. In this quest for truer relationships I have found the greatest examples of love in my life. I sense the Father's touch in theirs, and I have found peace in words spoken seeking to ease my aching heart.

When I think about the people that mean the absolute most to me, those that I would go to the ends of the earth for, and not because their love required it- but because my love for them would go wherever needed. I think about one friend in particular and how in our friendship I have learned a tremendous about communication, the need to be open with what matters in our hearts, and how to hold each other to that truth even if it means it hurts. Because of them I have seen the worst sides of myself, and I have been shown realities I had worked long and hard at avoiding. Like the above lyric says, "you bring out the worst in me, but its the side I need to see", this friend has done that simply by being who they are. Together we have had to work through insecurities, doubt, and fears- all leading back to whether the other one of us would walk away from our friendship, or be replaced... not because what we share is broken or because it is dysfunctional... simply because we have worked along and moved past the superficial walls that are placed, we have laughed, and we have cried together- there is so much more at stake now then when we first became friends... the risk is so much greater. We have and will continue to fail each other. Having Christ a focus in our friendship, we have also learned how to be stronger, and how to love in spite of and because of those failures.


I know that those that I love will fail me. What started as wanting to love others before myself, was taken to a dark place in wanting to avoid abandonment. Fear of being left. Fear of being thought no longer worth knowing. If we always put the needs of others before ourselves, without sharing our hurts and our hearts with them, we are only creating walls that are impossible for others to see. We project the illusion we desire, and not the true essence of who we are... and who we are really- the beaten, the broken, the joyful, the triumphant are the real reflections of Christ and His love for us. It makes me sad to look back on so many moments I failed at showing my true self, and in turn not revealing the mercy and grace I have glad fully taken from the Lord but yet not boasted in His goodness- simply because I didn't want others to see the hurt and in turn leave.

You Can

"Take me where I've never been
Help me on my feet again
Show me that good things come to those who wait
Tell me I'm not on my own
Tell me I won't be alone
Tell me what I'm feeling isn't some mistake

Save me from myself, you can
And it's you and no one else
If I could wish upon tomorrow tonight would never end
If you asked me I would follow"

Last night I had a conversation with a friend about the events that played out in my life at the end of September, I was able to determine that, that was the beginning of the tailspin--- and now, the tailspin is over.

It is not an exaggeration that October was a difficult month. I know that my mind while active and full of imagination and intelligence, can also work against me and perpetuate ideas, stresses, thoughts, and anxiety that pit myself against myself. I am my own worst enemy at times.

My life is built on relationships. Ranging from the most important one that I have with the Lord, my family, the one with myself, and my friends. I know that when I'm spending time in Scripture and writing in my journal during a quiet time my relationship with Christ flourishes, and yet I have a difficult time putting aside time daily to do that. I know that when I call my parents, or siblings that my love is communicated best through effort, and yet I know that I don't extend myself outside of my busy schedule enough. I know that when I relax, am not quite so hard on myself- that I allow my creative heart to run wild and my anxiety releases, and yet I find myself getting caught up in fear of the future, fear in making choices. I know that when I listen more then I talk, and when I love my friends well with runs to the store to grab snacks when they are home sick, I am more myself and the quality of those relationships grow... and yet I can get selfish and distracted.

I know the cycles. Looking back at difficult times, and tears that were shed during those challenging days... I can see how the only one that can save me from myself is Christ. That He asks me to follow him, and there are periods when I do that willingly and well... and other times I have one hand on the world not able to let go. I know that when I'm impatient, that He assures me that patience is necessary and living in peace with that is often times the point.

It's Him and no one else.

It's not comfort in snuggling with Gracie. It is not joy in laughing with a friend about silly things. It is not being distracted by things of no value so that I won't think about what I should be doing.

It's His touch. It's His purpose. I have found myself breathing more deeply, and laughing from a more authentically joyful place. I have sensed the Father's hand on my heart calming me and slowing me down through the voices and touches of those who love me. I have read in books messages I didn't know I was aching to hear, and I have read in letters that someone believes in me and seeks to share my burden.

He is everywhere. He can do anything. He can save me from me. He has provided for me more then I have ever been able to thank. With Him, I know that I can.

The tailspin is over. I am finding rest in the moment. I may still be working towards better sleep, but I am on the right path. I am going in the right direction.

wanting & needing

I like nice things. I like Apple products, Tiffany's, Starbucks, nice hotels... name brand aluminum foil- not the cheap stuff... there are countless other things. I don't need nice things, I would be able to live a very happy life without them and enjoy the lesser valued versions. However, I do believe the Apple makes better products, nice hotels have better beds, and Reynolds wrap is far superior to that of Kroger brand.

When I think about what I need in my life, for basic operation and health none of those things above are relevant necessities. I understand this, I know it, and I try really hard to let go of my association with nice things with personal joy and success.

Wanting and needing at one point in a friendship I grew up with became one and the same. Through the years of adolescent strife and grief, we knew that we wanted our friendship to be successful and healthy- but that we also needed it. We needed each other, and were not afraid to affirm in each other that truth. Somewhere along the way in life though, we don't often think of relationships that way- we are independent, we are capable, all we need is Jesus, etc... when did needing someone in your life become a crutch? or a negative emotional co dependence?

Last night there was a scene in Grey's Anatomy in which Dr. Hunt repeated over and over again to Christina "I don't need you", he then preceded to kiss her. I had a friend this week tell me that they didn't need my friendship in their life, but they couldn't imagine life without it. I was recently asked "What do you want?" in respect to life debates and questions- and after I answered was followed up with, "What do you need?". This word, "need" continues to come up this week.

All that to say I have thought an awful lot about what it is that I want in my life, but also very much about what I need, and more importantly, who. I know that I want goodness, encouragement, support... I want to continue to grow in my relationship with Christ. I want good people in my life, and I want to allow myself to be vulnerable with them so that we can grow. I want a roof over my head, and I want to feel safe in my own skin. I always tend to want more-- of everything.

Essentially, I know that I need only Jesus. Under that banner, all my other earthly needs are provided: food, water, and shelter. Beyond that my heart is given much more- I have been given amazing family and friends to love and carry me through this life with accountability, laughter, and support in prayer.

I am in a place right now that I have come through a difficult patch on the road, and I'm very aware that my wants and needs are the same. I have struggled with admitting this out loud, and I struggle because I sense that others in my life wouldn't necessarily say the same thing. My perspective right now is skewed. Wanting and Needing are aligned.

I want some people in my life...but the truth of those relationships? I know that right now, I need them. And I know in my heart that feeling that way, isn't a bad thing.

Things Worth Noting

1) On the weather forecast for Tuesday...? Snow showers. Ok, friends... Kari doesn't do Winter well. It's a true story. I have been told recently that I can't escape the winter this year, but last winter was soo great- Florida, and Thailand? I missed so much of the cold bitter snow!

2) The Rockbridge County Banquet was last night- and it was successful! I helped serve and cook- which meant that I had dinner in the back with some W&L kids, Julie, Matty, and Tree. I laughed really hard, and thoroughly enjoyed the banter. I spent a few hours at camp in the kitchen, and I just love the kitchen. I don't think that I'd ever be interested in working in there full time, but I love that Bakery... and I love the ministry that happens behind that stainless steel counter.

3) The new David Archuleta and Taylor Swift albums: are cheesy pop delicious. Current favorites of theirs? For Archie its "Take My Hand" and Taylor, its "Breathe" and "White Horse". Perhaps these two new works aren't going to make musical history or be accredited for changing the scope of the industry...but they are playful and they are fun- and that is great.

4) I actually want to go Christmas Shopping. I might start tomorrow. This is strange for me, I typically WAIT until December. But... I have IDEAS, so why not get started?

Two Words Plus One

During a dinner a few weeks ago my great friend Jamie challenged me to describe him in two words. I sat thoughtfully for most of dinner trying to determine what the words I would pick out of so many to consequently "define" him. I finally came up with my two, and then he proceeded to tell me the two he chose for me. What I liked most about this exercise in articulation was that I appreciated his explanation for his two for me, Willing/Faithful, and Driven. He cheated. He merged two words into one... I allowed the cheat because I liked so much what he had to say about why. I was then instructed to chose one word for myself.... after careful thought I picked 'expressive'. He agreed that it was a wise choice. 

We left that dinner and I didn't expect that the words he chose would remain on my mind, or that I would think of them during random moments at work or in general life- they way that they had. I found comfort in his explanations and found rest for the way that he saw me. I placed the napkin on which the words were scribbled, on the fridge. I look at them daily and smile.  

I recently have been struck by a question I heard between two fictional characters on television, "How do you think I see you?". I began to think of those in my life that I care for well, and that I have allowed into my heart... and thought about the vulnerability that exists in being emotionally open and uncensored. How truth spoken from us about our thoughts and feelings... our inner fears and dialogues changes the stage in which we stand with those that are there to listen. How does their image of us change in the truth they become witness to? And for the control freak that I am, how does knowing that image changes as I become more real, present freedom in expression, or fear in being known?

I had a conversation with a friend of mine the other day that I never intended having. I never intended speaking that thought and scenario of "How do you See Me?" out loud. I didn't want to know. Once I began talking about it, the more I couldn't stop myself from sharing. I know at the end of the day that this friend I was speaking to knows my heart, knows my facial expressions, knows my body language better then I do at times (that's a hard admission: but it's true and we know it). When you have someone in your life that can do those things, how do you talk yourself out of the fear that comes with, are we still the ideal versions to them as we were in the beginning before there was so much at stake? Or do we mean more? Is their true sight of us something we run from, but at the same time wish that everyone knew us that way? Is the true Great Escape in those that we are able to stand before and be completely us, without reservation? Is it knowing that we need them? Not that we want to have great people in our lives... but that we actually Need them. 

This whole thought process began with two words chosen for me, plus one of my own. It continued into the sight seen, and worrying if the emotional person I am is viewed as a basket case or train wreck. It concludes in the suggestion Mary had at my birthday dinner last night for everyone to share something about me that they appreciated, Matt began thinking it meant one word, so others followed suit. I was described in a handful of words. More then two plus one. 

The last friend to go was Jamie, and he said Willing. After our conversation on Sunday night talking about an impending move that he was encouraging me to pursue, I can see why he would stand by Willing. My heart is wide open. My heart is Willing.

Today. The day after my birthday, my heart returns to Willing. I think of many other things that I heard... and many other sentiments spoken in cards, eye winks, and gifts. When I survey the birthday celebration I can see how I am known intimately well by a handful of special people here. From the selection of granola and fruit for dessert frozen yogurt, Yahtzee from a fellow competitor, to quiet moments sitting and talking with those I share a deep bond. 

Being seen has lived in words. It has lived in glances. It has lived in touches. It has lived in playful pushes. It has lived in pictures printed on canvas. And it has lived in those that see 'me', fighting for me regardless of how much struggle I present in my growth. 

How do you see me? I pray it is a reflection of this heart pursuing Christ. I pray that you are able to recognize the me that those who know the complete me see. 

"I need you.

Everyone needs someone like you...

If you need me too, 

You would be the only thing I'd take, 

On my Great Escape"

Wish

"I wanna do something that matters, 

Say something different,
Something that sets the whole world on it's ear
I wanna do something better, with the time I've been given
and I wanna try to touch a few hearts in this life
and leave nothing less that something that says I was here

I know it's my destiny to leave more that a trace of myself in this place
And I know that I, I will do more than just pass through this life
I'll leave nothing less that something that says I was here"

I have been encouraged to rest and let go. I'm learning that sometimes Jesus lives in the voices of those who love me well, and even though ridiculous... in the radio. Sometimes I wish the voices and insights didn't contradict each other so much. However, the love for me continues in the different points of view, and their direction to Jesus rises above it all. 

Today is my birthday, and I love birthday's. My Wish? To leave more then a trace of myself in this place, do more than just pass through this life... say something different. I have known that I could do anything, and that I can be anything... there has been fear in my heart to make the wrong choice, or what I  deem "the right choice". What I know in my mind is starting to permeate the fear that lives in my heart. I know what I want. I know what that means. I know that regardless of where that puts me, who I love, and what choices I make, I believe that my life is going to mean something different.  

I believe that my wish can come true, 

That it is coming true as I continue to,

Take deeper breaths, 

Focus myself on Christ, 

Listen to the silences in addition to the voices of those who love me- 

and those voices that live in the radio. 

The Boys & I Out West: Highlights

1) Disneyland.

Space Mountain and Haunted Mansion- far superior to that in the World. Splash Mountain, and getting soaked- but then appreciating how were saved compared to the two guys sitting in front of us. I just giggled a lot... I couldn't help it. Tea Cups with the three of us- I nearly passed out because I was laughing so hard. We met Mickey. I couldn't find Tigger anywhere. The longest we waited was 30 minutes for a ride, and dare I say it was for Peter Pan? I found my inner child in the Fantasyland Rides, and I held onto her the entire day. It was a GREAT day. Matty had changed his mind last week and decided to go, and I can't imagine that day without him. All in all, a WINNER. 

2) The Ocean. 

We took a 2.1 mile walk from our hotel in Venice Beach up to the Santa Monica Pier after we checked in on Sunday. Our way up there it was sunny, warm, and beautiful. As the view of the pier came closer into sight, I was excited for on it contains my bench. I was also terrified to share it with Matty and Tex. The significance of that particular spot is so special to me, and only me- how do you share that and let go of the fact with the introduction it will mean something different, something new? They let me sit, and we talked for a little bit. I got to appreciate the view, and I got to smile when thinking about the first time I was there- over a year ago. I remembered when I was first there in August of '07 that I received a text from Tex, who was at my house with everyone, just wanting to check in with me. The exchange of messages that day contained nothing out of the ordinary, but it did connect home with where I was in the moment. Last Sunday, I got to feel on either side of me two friends that I love. It was different then the times I'd been there before. It had changed. The change? It was perfect. 

3) Vegas. 

Ridiculous. It was the perfect transition into relaxation from the traffic/city life of LA. 

We had some amazing food- I would like to mention that we had great food all week, from In & Out Burger, Pinkberry, The World Cafe, to all the fantastic choices in Vegas... winners! But if you know me, you know the highlight is always Justus Kerr- my favorite Stylist at the salon, Color. I met Justus three years ago after leaving CA, and before my return to VA, completing a near month in Bakersfield after Bill died. Justus was the first person I met that had nothing to do with my life in VA, or experience in CA... he wasn't associated with the "pre-heart break me", or the "post-heart break me". It was right in the middle, the limbo before I returned home and would begin the real difficult process of grief in action. As he gave me what would become my first of many favorite hair cuts, he asked me simple questions, and when I was ready I began to talk. That day I sat in the Salon for three hours, and after it was all said and done he gave me a hug, and I knew that I had been heard. My jaunts to Vegas have less to do with where it is then people ever really know. It is about a time, a place, three years ago that I was able to breathe in deeply after holding everything I felt for three weeks inside my heart. I can relax there. It could look different, be different, or be some random little town in Small Town America... my association is not the glitz, the glamor, the excess. Last week I got to visit my Boo, and we talked again, real life, real issues. The boys came and waited for me, and I introduced them to each other. I worried as the time ticked away and I took longer then expected. Anyway, a highlight. I could breathe... deeply and truly. The day followed and lived up to the start with greatness- dinner, show... my dress. 

4) The Boys.

I can't imagine being blessed with two travel partners that I could enjoy more. Being miss-solo/independant traveler, I was a little anxious going into a week of my favorite places and sharing the agenda and itinerary. But, I loved it. Beyond where we were, and what we were doing- I loved spending time with them. It was fun to watch these two friends of mine, who work and live together, enjoy themselves and each other outside of the home and work place... it was just them hanging out. They made me laugh when I'd walk behind them, and would be half listening to their conversation. They balanced each other out when there was a tweak of tension, and I was grateful for that more then I was able to acknowledge in those moments. On the phone with Theresa from the airport on Friday she asked how the week went, and I said simply and with great enthusiasm: "I just love them". I was able to share time with each of them, and I was able to enjoy the dynamic we all created. When I was wrestling to get to sleep when I got back, I missed hearing the "Jacques" voice, and I missed them. What better way to end a week with friends then to be content and happy with what was shared- and wanting just a bit more. Seriously? Loved.Every.Moment.With.Them.

Today

We got back on Friday night, I walked in the door at 2am Saturday morning and found myself awake for about an hour unable to calm down, or understand the time difference. I have opened this page three times, attempting to write an update on life, a synopsis of the trip, or to ramble about the 55 things I have running through my mind and heart at the moment. Not being sure of how to do any of those things well, I have closed the blog and left it unwritten. 

I am now sitting on the couch, looking out at the of the fall covered hills beyond the trees that once masked the view with their green leaves. I have successfully been able to do two things on the list for the day: 1) Grocery shopped, and 2) The Dishes. The laundry, and other housekeeping necessities remain on the task list for the day, I have tried to assure myself that they will get done, I can take a moment and sit. 

Gracie is at The Vet. She is being tested for some things, and I will be honest- when I dropped her off today I teared up on the way to my car. I am thankful that where I boarded her last week took such great care of her that they noticed her "drinking" problem, which could be linked to a short list of diseases. She is an emotional sap (the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, or so I've heard), and when we went inside the office this morning she jumped up on my shoulders and started shaking. She was scared, and where did she go? Up on top of me for comfort. Perhaps that is what pulled at my heart and began the tears. I am sure she is going to be fine... but fear and being scared are real- and I'm scared that she won't be. I wish there had been someone there that I could turn around to, put my arms on their shoulders and find comfort for my fear. 

Otherwise, I'm doing well. Tonight is BSF, and tomorrow is my Birthday. I love Birthday's...not just mine- every one's. I got my first wish of a happy day, so I suppose in a small way the celebration has begun today. Yay.  

Care and Share

What's up?

It is Wednesday, I am half way through the week and I am delighted. I am fresh back from the OH/KY weekend excursion, and I am glad to be back in my own bed and house. I was describing to a friend why those relationships in KY/OH are important to me, and its hard to relate to somehow how those that I have never lived in the same town with could be so close. We work really hard at being in touch, at being real, writing letters, phone calls every week, and visiting. They are part of my support system, they are part of my family, and I love that despite distance I am blessed by their friendship.

Tonight I have small group, and I'm in charge of snacks and a share and care item. I have selected Dunkin Donut Munchkins as my snack, which is joyful b/c I love them- but also kind of sad because I wasn't able to make something from my own kitchen. DD is just as good I say, so I'm not feeling bad about not hand crafting a delectable treat. My share care? How do you pick one thing to show who you are, and what you are about? I have gone back and forth on what I would like to bring, and finally decided on a photo. I thought at first I would chose just one. Well, how do you select one out of 12,000? (literally). I printed off four.

1) Gracie. My favorite picture of my buttercup puppy.
2) The Mountain, that Matty has titled "Hey Jesus". It was also the first photo I sold... and so there is great significance there.
3) The Bench. I am going to be on my beloved pier on Sunday, and I will be sitting here for a moment. It was the place I was able to write, think, and pray and stare off into the wide open Pacific in August last year, and it was the place I wanted most to be in April before starting the new job. Right now? I want that bench. But the greatest movement is that on Sunday, I will be with two of my best friends- and that bench will no longer live in my memory and be isolated in my heart. I will share it. We will sit... for five minutes... and then we will leave.
4) The Flower. It was the first photo that I took, that I paused for a second and thought "you have a gift... why aren't you doing this with your life?"In the current state of thought, and anxiety I think of that flower photo, and in it I find possibility, and the stirring that comes with passion of heart.

That's the latest. This week has been busy, full of bible studies, house dinners, small groups, meetings, and commitments. I do it to myself, but there is comfort knowing that this week, there was not one thing that I could say no to. Things continue to move along, and I have a thousand questions. I'm learning some important things, and I'm finding my prayers for increased depth of sight to be answered in continuing to see how broken I am, and how my need for a Savior is so much bigger then I often let myself feel.

Million Raindrops

Can I feel the sun
Breaking through the gray I’m lost within
Can I hear the wind
Like a secret telling me I’ll live again
I need you

All your thoughts let them fall
Like a million raindrops
On this desolate ground I’m standing on
Every word from your lips
Like a father’s kiss
That all my life I’ve waited on

Can I walk the line
Tell me will you be my safety net
Can you save a life
Tangled up in weakness and regret
I know you can

All your thoughts let them fall
Like a million raindrops
On this desolate ground I’m standing on
Every word from your lips
Like a father’s kiss
That all my life I’ve waited on

I’m crying out to you, I’m crying out to you
There’s nothing left to lose, there’s nothing left to prove
I’m crying out to you, I’m crying out to you

All your thoughts let them fall
Like a million raindrops
On this desolate ground I’m standing on
Every word from your lips
Like a father’s kiss
That all my life I’ve waited on

~Bebo Norman

Pull Me Out & Ruins

"tell me now, when does this feeling start
like I understand everything I’m dealing with
first I was young, now it’s all just happening
and what about the way I said that
made you turn around and shake your head
like I don’t even know what I’m asking for

this could be all about just letting go
this could be all about just holding on

I can’t get my feet off of the ground
I wanna run but I don’t know how
can you reach down here and pull me out, can you pull me out, yeah
I wanna scream but there’s no sound
I wanna fly to you somehow
can you reach me here and pull me out, can you pull me out

remember when I was young and hungry,
I could take it in, without much money,
I had nothing at all but dreams and time to kill
and now I feel like I’m treading water
and I’m hardly real - I’m just trying harder
to make my way on the earth by standing still"

I am hanging out in my favorite bookstore in Lexington (KY), grabbing an hour to myself to write a few emails and write. I drove from Cincinnati today to Lexington, KY. I completed some errands I had lingering, and I went about my life here like I owned this city. I am now sitting here at a large round table looking out at a huge water fountain, just thinking about this place... this week... today.

I had a few versions of what today was going to look like, and  possible plans. A few things got tweaked here and there, somethings completely got nixed, and now I'm just trying to be content with the plans at hand. At 7pm Laura and Shannon will walk in here and we will smile, hug, and share a meal together. After that, Laura, Michael, and I will be heading towards Louisville to meet up with Seth and Julie for a weekend of fun at the Berg house. 

The above lyrics are from a song I listened to about a dozen times in the car on my way here. I think it could have been written from my journals, and letters I have written to those that I love. In the midst of choices, plans, and dreams... I have felt my feet stuck on the ground. My body and my schedule have been running separate- I've been running so fast, and I have been thinking so hard... that I think in some ways I seek for a hand to reach out to me, and pull me out.

The song below another song that I alternated between the one above. 

I have a lot to say. I feel like I have been bottling up some ideas in order to guard my heart and protect those that desire knowing. I started talking the other day. Wednesday morning I shared a little snippet of what I'm thinking about. It was so small that it surprised me, when in the absence of the silence I was keeping, I felt a gaping hole wanting to gush with everything else. Instead of continuing the release, I found myself staring out the window and shifting around in the chair trying to get situated. I could only laugh when my friend noticed how uncomfortable I was. I left remaining that way, and I left stirred... I also left met where I was at, heard, and understood in the silences I maintained where only tears could speak. I think perhaps the tears were the loudest and truest things that I conveyed in the hour of conversation. I also left knowing that at the end of a 6 hour car ride I would be rewarded with the company of another great friend... and that was going to be fabulous.

I wrote today a note to someone important about the very familiar notion of emptying ourselves to be filled more of Christ. I'd like to think this is something that by sharing, and encouraging someone else towards that pursuit, I too will be able to continue purging my every sinful thought and selfish notion from my heart on the ground, and allowing Christ to be more of me. Allowing something more beautiful to be built on the ruins.  

I am still working it out in my head. Slowing creeping closer to the edge I have in plain sight, its right there... and I'm getting ready to jump... I have caught myself leaning back and beginning the unstoppable force of the running start before the complete surrender into the air... 

"Laying flat upon my back,
All the world in motion
Everything goes by so fast
I feel like I’m frozen

After all is said and done
Did I fail to mention
Everything I haven’t done
All my good intentions

This is my holy hour, this is my world on fire
This is my desperate play, this is where I am saved

I’ve no fear of height or depth
I’ve no fear of crashing
The single thing I fear the most
Simply feeling nothing

This is my holy hour, this is my world on fire
This is my desperate play, this is where I am made
This is my kingdom come, this is my freedom song
This is my helpless state, this is where I am saved

Let my ruins become the ground you build upon
Let my ruins become the start
Let my ruins become the ground you build it on
From what’s left of my broken heart"

Amanda Stegman

I am in Cincinnati, Ohio. I am here visiting Amanda Stegman and seeing her beloved stomping grounds. I have been hosted well with great restaurants, conversation, and just comfortable silent moments in the car. 

My favorite thing about being here, is the deep peace within knowing that she is exactly where she is supposed to be. I didn't want her moving out of the house and away from Virginia, and I wished for her to stay... even trying bargaining techniques which never worked. I understood her reasons then for feeling like it was the way in which she was supposed to go, but it still hurt. 

For the past day or so, it hasn't hurt. Being with her is like it always used to be, even before she lived in the house for a year. We talk, we laugh, we shop, we eat out, and we indulge ourselves in our favorite television programming... its fantastic.

What is different, is that as people, we are. Our friendship has matured, changed, been challenged, and grown in the past three years and I wouldn't imagine it any other way. When in the Apple store today a lady she works with asked if we were sisters, and we both giggled, and said no 'friends' but like sisters... because we are.

I just like her a lot. And I'm glad the feeling is mutual. 

The Edge

I am standing on the edge, and for awhile I thought that I was moving along toward something specific: an opportunity, a change, a person, a moment, a moving box.... I think what I am finally able to see is that the edge that I have been drawn closer to, is not defined by any of those things. 

I have had quite a year. I have said recently, "you ever wish you could just start over?". The last time I spoke that sentiment out loud I was met with a very sincere, "No".  You see, in the highs and lows of the past 10 months... the teeter totter of emotion and uncertainty has lent itself for one of the greatest experiences I have ever had. I know that despite my inclination to want to start fresh, or to go back, I would never actually choose it. 

The Lord has brought me to the edge. He has pushed me, He has challenged me, He has watched me walk backwards, and He has held my hand as I have sprinted straight ahead. The control I have illusions of maintaining have gone from complete release to white knuckles gripping desperately and fervently. I am still learning to Let Go. 

The fall colors always captivate my heart. I can't help but get lost in the oranges, the reds, and the greens hidden deep in the trees. My birthday is in a few weeks, which lends to the reflection process that has begun in my mind. I tend to go a little crazy during this time of year... so to combat all that runs rampant in my heart and spirit I have prayed that the Lord would continue to open my heart up to tears that want to fall, people that want to catch me, and the spirit inside of my soul that wants to dance. 

The Edge? It is not the people, it is not the possibility of a moving box, it is not a change, or an opportunity. It is the awareness of growth in my vision, the part of my sight that has not been able to see past my own step in the journey. It is where I can see my touch ends, my voice fades. Instead I can sense my Father completing my uncertain footing, and I can hear His voice calling me. 

"I was blinded by my sin,

Had no ears to hear your voice,

Did not know your love within...

Help me now to live a life

That's dependent on your Grace,

Keep my heart and guard my soul,

From the evils that I face.

You are worthy to be praised,

with my every thought and deed.

O Great God of highest heav'n

glorify your name through me."

Small Moment

I am having a small town moment. I am sitting in the Daily Grind coffee shop in downtown Lexington, responding to half a dozen emails that I have been neglecting for days, and I am creating a fantastic play list for my road trip this week. 

As I have sat here downloading the latest and greatest songs from iTunes, I have recognized one person that has walked by and another who drove by. I had to giggle because I have been here for years, and am now just feeling like this small town, is my small town. I have habits and routines here. 

A man just walked by the shop that I think could be a spitting image of my grandfather. I wait eagerly to see if the next person that walks by will be my father, who now lives down the road from here. 

I have a lot of things going on right now in life- many balls up in the air, and I'd like to think that I'm getting better about juggling them all. Right now, I am having a small moment in this grand life that eases any anxiety that is rising to the surface as I continue to make choices and pursue opportunities. 

I am thankful for this moment... this small, completing moment that I am able to enjoy from the comfort of my favorite table at the Coffee Shop. 

Brave

"It's Not Brave If You're Not Scared"

Bravery is the theme right now. The other week I was watching a movie and heard the quote from above. The movie was mediocre, I had seen it before- but the line struck a cord and I thought yes, its isn't brave if you aren't scared. A friend of mine recently posted a very short blog entry with the same running thought, about the brave little toaster. I got a letter in the mail from a friend telling me how they were praying for me, and they also used the word Brave- that I would be brave in patience and indecision. Finally, after having a conversation sorting some things out with a friend, I got a returned phone call. In a light fashion I was asked "Are you brave?", before they went on to tell me the purpose of the call.

I mention these things not to exclaim that I am brave in any capacity. It is not a trait I see in myself easily, and I feel like I am in a place right now where I can either operate in either fear and anxiety or that of trust and bravery. When I am completely honest with myself about how I'm doing right now, I can sense that I feel stronger, I feel more controlled, less manic... I feel very much like me. Unfortunately, at the same time I feel tired, I feel defeated, and I feel like moving on. I feel like my patience is small with some people, and I feel like I'm losing my mind a little bit. I have been more absentminded and just completely aloof recently then I know how to handle. It has been sort of funny, I have made myself and others laugh quite a bit... but seriously, what is going on?

I have random fears these days.

-I am scared that I will take the wrong job in the wrong place.
-I am scared that I will not be able to leave my house.
-I am scared that I am not listening to Christ enough, and responding to what has been so heavy on my heart.
-I am scared that I will never learn the balance of being busy and still.
-I am fear that I am not investing in the right people.
-I fear change even though I sense I am strangely addicted to it. Does that even make sense?
-I fear car accidents, and dying in one. I have always been fearful of this notion- its random but true.
-I fear that everything I want in my life is just waiting on me to change in ways that are impossible.
-I fear making plans, and setting dates and times for things because I know that I change my mind so much.
-I fear that I will never be as forgiving as I'm called to be, and the burden that places on my heart is enormous.
-I fear picking out the wrong shoes for the day, because I absolutely hate having uncomfortable footwear on.
-I fear being arrested for something... even though I do not break the law.
-I fear my computer crashing and losing things that I have neglected to back up.

Random. Some that are completely ridiculous and even make me laugh in some ways... others are just where I'm at, and what I'm fighting through! True, its not brave if you're not scared. Ever wonder if we are just always going to be scared in some capacity? How is that I can trust the God of the universe with such large things, but then have fears about car crashes, jail time, and computers?

Seriously. What is going on?

July 2003

Recently I was invited to attend my friend Kristin's wedding in Annapolis. Kristin and I met in the summer of 2003 in the beloved month of July at Rockbridge when we were on Summer Staff together. Kristin, Jessica, and I shared a room for the four weeks and at most times were in a complete fit of giggles- to prove it, Jessica has most of it documented on her video camera. Last summer the three of us met up for a girls trip in Vegas, and the laughter continued! I was amazed then, much like I am now the way some friends are placed in our lives. Three of us, whom have never lived in the same town, gone to the same school, or been active in each others lives in an every day sense have maintained special friendships with each other in the past five years. Kristin and I don't keep in touch regularly, but I do appreciate notes I get in the mail and random emails catching up on life. Distance is hard to fight in friendships, and sometimes I worry about what is going to happen with those I am closest to right now when the time comes for one or both of us to move away.

Having had more then one Summer Staff experience, its easy to want to compare them to eachother, and pick favorites. Truth of the matter is, the month of July that summer has made a significant impact on my life in more ways then just one. It was when I moved to Virginia not having much of a plan leaving Connecticut, was my introduction to Rockbridge, and it is where I consequently made my home for four years on Staff- having fallen in love with Property Staff while in the Bakery. This has since happened to three other former Bakery Summer Staffers since my month in '03. It is a magical place. Hah.

In all seriousness, when I think of people that I share my life with, people that I am honest, vulnerable, and truly myself around a few very special ones come to mind. Among them are, Matty, Jules, and Jessica. All three people that I see on a regular basis (even with the five hour drive between the girls and I), and have consistantly known through the years. When Matt and I went to Julie's wedding two years ago we were both so grateful for the way our lives were woven together, and how the Lord blessed us continuing friendships in the distance. Jessica and I felt very much the same way this past weekend at Kristin's wedding. I can't imagine my life without the support of these three friends, and I can't believe it has been five years since we were serving along side each other at camp for a month. My friendships with Matt and Julie did not form closely out of those weeks together, but in the time after with a road trip to visit KY with Matt, and then with weekends at camp when Matt would work in the Kitchen.

I find myself today still thankful for the weekend in Annapolis and to be part of such an important day in Kristin's life, along side Jessica whom I treasure. Returning home, we stopped at the Waffle House and met up with Tex and Matty. There was a moment in the midst of catching up about the weekend Jessica and I spent away, that I just felt my heart swell. Four people sat at that table. Three people I did not know before I moved to Virginia, two of which were part of the beginning of that journey for me. The other while did not know Jessica in college, both attended UK and are from the same area I frequently visit. The strange circle and coincidences captivated my heart and for that moment I was only thankful for the decision five years ago to quit a job, not have a plan, move somewhere I didn't know, trust the Lord completely, and see what happened.

Sound familiar?

House Dinner Returns

Ok... friends. House Dinner has returned for the School Season.... let's have a moment for the joy that means in my life. Tuesday's now trump most other days of the week.

House Dinner. I have written about them countless times, and most people in my life know that its my favorite thing about my community here in Lexington. It all started a little over two years ago, during the Summer of 2006. About half way through the summer of interning, Mandy (Baker), Theresa (Office), Jamie (Landscape), were all desiring food off of camp and hang out time at the fabulous White Oak Lane. In the beginning, they cooked at my house, I just got to show up. In the mix Matty got invited, and it turned into a fairly regular shin dig with us for the second half of that summer. I was going through photos on my computer the other day and it was fun to see the file with "Dinner Club" on there. My friendships with Jamie and Theresa really sprung out of those nights, and built what is now a continued fantastic friendships. Mandy and I had already established closeness, and so the time to hang out was just bonus!

The following winter when Theresa moved down to Lexington from Ohio, she, Jen, and I thought that it would be a great thing to have dinner at the house once a week. The first night we were set to do this, Holmes got in on it. The intention was for it to be small. A week or two later I made my favorite "Capt. Crunch Chicken", and so Joel and Matty got invited as well. That was it. We continued that way for the rest of the school season up until summer as the 6 of us.

House Dinner changed again this past year as Jen moved to the Tot, Mandy moved in, Guthrie moved to town, and Tex moved into the boys house. The table got stretched to accommodate 8, and then we made it 9 with Katie Shepard. In all my traveling and coming and going, I hinged a lot of my plans on Wednesday-Mondays, so that I could be home on Tuesday's to see everyone. I think that was the piece I could never let go of completely.

This year, more changes and more people. We are now broken into houses, and we will alternate whose home we are in each Tuesday, and those that live there will come together to make the meal... for a total of TWELVE.

Last night after two committee meetings I hurried myself over to The Boys House so that I could enjoy the rest of the evening with everyone. As I walked into their house I could only be thankful for the laughter I heard abounding from the dining room. The sound was familiar... the sound in of itself was a feeling of complete warmth... it was Home.

What started small with a few friends sharing an evening to cook and laugh together two years ago, has turned into something that I can't imagine my life without. Having left Property Staff, I don't see them all very often, so I love the time to enjoy them without work- to see them as themselves and not the roles they play at camp in the day to day.

I'm blessed tremendously by their friendships, but also by the night once a week we all put aside to share, to eat, to laugh, and to be with each other with no other reason then to enjoy the community we have.

I love Tuesday's. It's better then... just about everything.

Sweet and Sour

"Your words are like weapons" -darren hayes

So. It's been a week, and I find myself in the Fairfield branch with not much to keep me occupied. My mind is running with things that I thought about last night before I eventually fell asleep, and awoke to them all over again in the morning hours of getting ready for work. I am wondering at this point how to turn them off, how to silent the machine inside that is screaming.

Sweet and Sour.
The Roles that we play.
Words that are funny.
Words that aren't.
When is enough, enough?

These are the random things that have been floating through my head recently. Last night there were exchanges of humor between a good friend and myself, mostly poking at my ridiculous scatter brained nature, which friends, I completely agree with: I lost my head a little bit. But when the fun and games turn into more of pointed jabs about things that are known to drive me crazy, what is to blame for the hurt feelings? My ears which heard jokes and got mad? Or the mouth that spoke them knowing full well they weren't going to be received well, but spoke them anyway?

Who is to blame?

The roles we play. I have been noticing the trends continue in my relationships. The pattern is similar, I am the younger sister that gets poked at and pushed much harder then realized. A moment later, I am the older sister that is pursued for conversation and insight... I challenge and I ask questions. One is very sour, and the other is very sweet. Sometimes I can effortlessly transition from one role to the other, but there are times when I just want to call a time out and say "CAN I PLEASE JUST REMAIN IN THE MIDDLE?". Truth is, I love my friends. I love that I can laugh with them, joke with them, encourage and pray for them. I cannot tell of my gratitude for the ways I know they serve me well and encourage me closer to Christ.

Which makes me feel kind of like an abused spouse. I equate and justify the sometimes obnoxious harassment with memories of complete and total love. My epiphany is not that this is happening, my moment is that I'm tired, and its exhausting. I'm tired of being told I'm too sensitive, or that I'm not any fun when I don't give the reaction someone was going for. I think I finally was able to see that in being quiet, I was operating in absolute fear. I started becoming afraid that if I swung back with the jokes and pokes I was receiving the cycle would not end, and that I wouldn't be able to handle what I heard back. So instead, I have found myself more quiet and trying to assert "this is ridiculous".

I do jab. I do poke fun. I am not without blame for jokes... but there is this gray area when hanging out sometimes. It's all fun and games for a good while, everyone is having a fabulous time- but then there are key jabs made that are out of a small handful of things that are known to drive me crazy... and the fun is over. I'm done.

Sweet and Sour. I know that our lives are like a tapestry being woven by the Creator. I know that the thread that holds it all together is divinely placed and chosen by the one who knows the bigger picture. The tapestry of this year has been intricate and delicate.

I have known great love this year.
I have been broken and picked up.
I have been pushed and guided.
I have been reminded my value is in Christ and not thoughts of man.
I have seen great distances from those I love, and I have been welcomed home.
There has been a lot of Sweet... I suppose in some ways I have been spoiled.
Do we appreciate it more because we have the Sour too?

I am calling a Time Out, because I fear that the thread of the friendships that have been operating in jokes and banter is causing the tapestry to unravel, and I just can't imagine my life without the Sweet they provide. Words are like weapons. They do wound sometimes. But they can heal. I think I finally started speaking the words that matter- the ones from the heart that want better, and is tired of the current status quo.

Growth to follow? We shall see.