The Lie.

So. I have wanted to write but I have not know quite where to start.

Lots of random things.

Life right now is good. I'm humbled and amazed at how I can write that, and I know with certainty its true. Life is good. The highs and lows are good. Right now, I'm neither here nor there, which makes me laugh with a sly giggle.

One of the best things that I can say about life right now is that there is a deep calm, a deep sense of security that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing, and while I still ache for the next step and move away from Lexington, I am content. I know that this feeling does not come easily, and I know that there are times when it doesn't stay long... but right now its here and I am thankful.

Today I had a job interview. It's for a position in Roanoke, and I continue to grumble about how I do not desire that commute. However I think its a good fit, I think it will be amazing to have a paycheck, and I am thankful about the opportunity to be 'wanted'. I was recruited, and there is something fantastically wonderful about being pursued in this way.

I have thought a lot about truth and lies. I have struggled for a long time with the lies regarding my view of my heart, body, and spirit. I have felt defensive and often times I have felt like I needed to apologize. In the shuffle the other day in the car I heard a line from an old cheesy christian song in which the singer is telling Christ,

"I don't want to go somewhere, If I know that you're not there

'Cause I know that the me without You is a lie

And I don't want to take that road

Be a million miles from home

'Cause my heart needs to be where you are

So I don't want to go"

How often I have just thought of the lies we believe and the destruction they bestow. I don't think I had considered that lies are not just the fabric of belief, but that life away from Christ and not centered on Christ completely, is not just a thought/belief/feeling- it makes our entirety and complete self THE lie. We are often what we think, and when we are thinking away from Jesus, everything about us becomes the selfish, unholy, unloving, and lost person.

Now that September is upon us, and Labor Day closes this summer I can't believe I have lived so long not just believing lies, fueling lies, and struggling with them, but that in doing so I also became one.

This perspective has completely changed the way I have viewed life, those I love, who I'm letting go, and how to move on seeking first the Kingdom. Perhaps this is the best place to rebuild. Simply by asking forgiveness for every thought spoken, feeling intended, and dream pursued that was not first given to the Lord.

The truth in many ways has come. I feel more like myself then I have in YEARS. I am struggling through the grief of what happened between Tex and I, and I am continuing to process how to establish love in boundaries and not hurt. However. Something quiet has returned. When I least expect it, I sit and I smile. My spirit feels FREE. I laugh more easily. I enjoy things more fully. I cry more tenderly. I love more fiercely. And I understand to such a high degree, I want my life to a fortress of glory for the Creator. I want people to know me, talk to me, and befriend me seeing only which comes from above. This is hard. It always has been. But in the pursuit of something real, something that lasts, I have returned to the promises found in scripture and I hold steadfast to the knowledge that if I am not rooted first in truth of the Holy and Living God- then everything else will and does crumble in false pretenses and heartbreak.

Tonight content. Tonight thankful.

This has been a long journey to a moment such as this.

Love.Love.

Car.

I am home.

So... yeah my bag was 50 pounds on the nose flying out to Vegas. I also knew that I had no idea upon arrival on the West Coast how I was going to repack the bag and not get charged a ridiculous amount in fees.

I did what I've done several times. I got a flat rate box or two (in this case: 2) and sent back as much as I could fit in them, the heaviest items. They were weighed at about 12 pounds each. I was delighted. No overages at the airport for me! Wahoo. (this is also cheaper then buying another piece of luggage and checking 2 bags).

I flew into Cincinnati, and I went to dinner with Robin and Mandy. I even thought somewhere in there that my keys would need to be found. But it wasn't until 9:45pm pulling into the garage that I realized that my keys were packed in a flat rate box. But not just a box that could be retrieved and opened, and have the keys overnighted to me in Ohio. The box I insured and certified because it also housed my Canon Camera. I had to be home to sign for it.

And so... the hope I had my valet key in the arm rest led us to call AAA, and after fiddling with my car, and alarm blaring and ransacking every part of car no key. Alarm ceases.

I am left to rent a car to return to VA for about the same money as getting a new key made, but I at least guarantee that I can still go to dinner tonight, attend the China Presentation at my church tomorrow, and have my job interview on Monday. All things were necessary.

Driving home last night was hard. It was long and I was tired. I also added Indy into the swing of things, and added 4 hours onto my day. But I wanted to see Kristyn, she was a priority. I arrived shortly after 11am with Gracie and toured her new apartment, and hung out. It was the perfect way to spend my afternoon. However 4pm quickly arrived and I had a 9 hour drive ahead of me (which I shaved into 8).

Thankful to be home. Lots of things to take care of this weekend, and next week will be busy. Not to mention driving back to Ohio to get my car. I went to the postoffice today to sign for my box and kept thinking "if I open this, and there are no keys inside I will freak out". I came home, and alas right where I knew they would be... my keys.

More thoughts coming. But hope this story made you laugh a hearty laugh. I did. I never cried. I whined a bit, but the tears never came... because seriously: its funny.

Love.Love.

Dancing.

Because I love you, I will share this.

Hopefully this makes you laugh. It made me laugh this morning.

I needed to laugh. This was greatness.

The Invitation

If you are reading this... you have been cautiously and intentionally invited.

Welcome.

So we are switching some gears on this blog front that I have had a relationship with now for three years. Making some changes.

First one: by invitation only. I am learning a ton about boundaries, breakups, and letting go right now, and the first step for me is to make this a completely safe and free place. I have grown a TON in writing, and I don't write for anyone but me... but the fact I know some friends keep up with me this way is comforting, and at this particular moment I want to be able to write exactly what I am thinking, feeling, and learning, and I do not want to have to edit.

So... to begin: Today sucks. Actually. It doesn't suck as much as its just hard. I am currently in Vegas, wrapping up this two week epic adventure with my sister Krystal. It's been intense, wonderful, fun, funny, deep, and insightful. I have loved each and every part almost equally- though I do have some favorites, I can't help it.

In the next few days I plan to per typical format upload some pictures and tell some stories.

But in this one blog entry which sets the stage in freedom in a way I've not been able to explore previously- I am asking for one thing.

For you to pray. I am about to embark on a very difficult journey post breaking up with Tex the relationship, and now am entering into the break away from Tex the best friendship. I am scared, and I am sad, but I am sure- and because I know and love Jesus I know with Him, I am prepared. There is no need to panic beyond what is necessary, or freak out about plans in the future I do not know or cannot control. Today is Today. And Today I need boundaries, silence, and I need to be able to explore my heart without apologizing for the way I feel, or to hide and pretend that what I feel does not matter.

I am sad. I am hurting.

I am hopeful. And I will triumph.

But today... we are who we are in this moment without mistaking it for anything else. I am grieving, and I feel lost. However, I feel enormously loved because my hands are open, my heart broken open wide, and I have seen and felt love everywhere.

You are part of that.

Thank you for the texts today, the phone calls that I got to cry and be real with (Matty and Hayden, thank you for being so amazing).

The cast of life is still the same, just reorganizing the lead roles. Thankful that I have with me those who have been with me in my life for a tremendously long part of this entire journey, and I am sure that each day will show a new aspect of hurt, but also grace.

Jesus is here. Love is here.

You have been invited to be part of what I write.

LOVE.LOVE.

K

Fireflies.

I have a secret obsession with Fireflies.

I love them.

I don't have any decor in my house of them.

They are a secret shared moment between Bill and I.

(Though I realize now its not a secret, that's ok).

When I arrived to Bakersfield five years ago I drove a white Volvo that became mine. When I needed to get some fresh air, some coffee, or some lunch from In & Out, I piled into this four door sedan, blasted the air conditioning (it was a HOT 110 degrees most days sans humidity). And I would drive. There was something cathartic and calming about it. In the evening hours I would head out after the sun had finished scorching the earth and I would hang out at the bookstore, or just drive in circles... sometimes for hours at a time. I never talked on the phone. I just sat. Drove. Listened. Took a break.

Three years ago I was back in this same town. Not much was different. My favorite hangout spots still held their posts, and my routine was similar. In the days when Candice was at work I would meander and just do nothing around town. Sometimes I would read, sometimes I would write postcards. My phone rang, three times during those five days. Two of them were from my intern, and the other was from the Kitchen from someone who was not yet a best friend. I remember these three phone calls only because it was just a stark contrast to my original trip. I was in Bakersfield for over three weeks two years prior, and I think I spoke on the phone only 3 times to people outside of movers, realtor's, and my lawyer.

There is nothing that could be said about what I think about, how I feel upon arrival compared to how I feel when I depart, or my deep emotional attachment to this random place outside LA that would even remotely articulate it accurately. Sometimes I want to bring someone there, just to share it. Most of the time though, I just want to go there and drive. It's just... home in a weird strange way. Like I said, there are no words.

I listened to the Faith Hill album Fireflies pretty nonstop the entire month of August in 2005. At times I moved around in the iPod selections, but for the most part it was Faith and I, driving in the Volvo. On that album appropriately so was a song titled 'Fireflies'.

In it she sings of wanderlust and childlike fantasies.

"Before you met me I was a fairy princess

I caught frogs and called them prince

And made myself a queen

Before you knew me I traveled around the world

I slept in castles and fell in love

Because I was taught to dream

I found mayonnaise bottles and poked holes on top

To capture Tinkerbell

They were just fireflies to the untrained eye

But I could always tell-

I believe in fairy tales and dreamers dreams like bed sheet sails

And I believe in Peter Pan and miracles

And anything I can to get by

And... fireflies

Before I grew up I saw you on a cloud

I could bless myself in your name and pat you on your wings

Before I grew up I heard you whisper so loud

'Life is hard. And so is love, child, believe in all these things"

I found mayonnaise bottles and poked holes on top

To capture Tinkerbell

And they were just fireflies to the untrained eye... But I could always tell"

One of my favorite things about this house in Virginia is that on a summer night the view from the porch turns into a light show. Fireflies buzz along and appear at random points, though it seems perfectly synchronized. Every time I see them, I think of the above song. I think about driving around and around with my thoughts, singing this song over and over again. I imagine one day getting to Heaven, and meeting the eyes I have been searching for my whole life... and I imagine the conversation beginning something like,

'Before you met me I was a fairy princess.

Before you knew me I traveled the world.

I believe in Fairy Tales and Dreamers Dreams... so many of mine have come true.

Before you met me I saw Fireflies and I thought of you.'

Tonight when I was driving home Fireflies came on the Shuffle, and I sighed a deep slow steady breath. One week from tonight I will be arriving at Candice's door. I am excited and terrified all at the same time. I am glad for the time I will get to spend in the company of precious family. They loved me tremendously well five years ago, and I know its a direct reflection of the love they shared and had for Bill- who in turn gave me... the world in freedom to experience it from a child given to Stan or as an adult who could pursue every last random dream in his passing.

Fireflies & Fairy Tales. Dreamers Dreams.

A dark night sky illuminated always leads me back to you.

Can't wait to fill you in on the rest.

Band-Aids

Today at Target I had to buy Band-aids. I chose Toy Story.

Since then I've thought about this box of bandages and have wondered how often I wish that a band-aid could fix "it". The "it" varies. Sometimes its something small. Like a broken device or piece of glass (a recently broken tumbler, specifically). Most of the time though, the 'it' is much more substantial and an issue of the heart.

I have had some amazing friends in life. I have burdened with them as early as grade school when their grand parents passed away, or they found out they were moving to a new town. In my adult years however the tenderness of my heart has increased as those in my life are much more meaningful when relationships are formed not out of convenience, or even jobs. It's the kindred spirit, the connection of Christ, its a deep well of feeling and empathy. There have been times that I have felt such a burden and ache for those I have loved. Matty last summer comes to mind, and just wanting to heal his heart and body in the midst of what was really scary time. When Tex moved to Oregon and was made aware of the changes happening in his family, I just hurt and cried with and for him. This January in understanding the depth and weight of Courtney's challenges, and feeling like all my magical powers in the world (the illusions that they are) could not begin to heal anything. It is a helpless feeling when you are walking life with someone who is hurting so deeply, either physically or emotionally. You partner in prayer, and you listen, and you pursue, and you support... but you always always come up short. You know it. They know it. It's just how life is. At times we are protected from feeling helpless, but there is a sense of not 'doing/being' enough.

We are not ever going to be enough in this place.

We don't have the touch.

We never have.

I am thankful however that in my relationship with THE HEALER, and CREATOR of it all, that I can place my rest. I have never done this well. I am a planner, coordinator, control freak. I like to manage, and tend to attempt survival. This summer I have learned the most divine and heartbreaking lessons. I have seen my failures, and I have seen how those failures hurt others deeply. I have also seen the Son rise.

I have always been a thinker. When I think in circles and am not getting anywhere I usually get upset. Somewhere at the end of the 1,000th loop in thought I remember, "Oh God. Hey yeah, its me, Kari, again. What are your thoughts?" This summer as I began my time in China, the racetrack of emotion that I was on was deadly. I was hurt, upset, confused, and just a ball of emotion. But one thing that I was sure of, was that I was purposed for China. I was meant to go. It did not matter what I was leaving behind, bringing with me, or would be brought back into. I was supposed to go and love.

There, I found something priceless and remarkable. I was able to get off the race track and do something I have found impossible in the past. I took each day, each segment of time as it was. I did not race forward. I did not remain planted in the past. I knew what my task was, I knew what my objective was, I was focused. The discipline to do that does not come easily for me. However, I know with the support and petitioning of those at home in prayer, I was able to slow everything done and be. Broken. Sad. Confused. Joyful. Excited. Open. Searching. Happy.

Unlike past adventures there comes a point when I return that I completely forget what I learned, the cycle continues and bam I'm back where I always was. Thankfully this August night I know that I am not on the same roller coaster. I'm in an entirely different theme park! (that's funny). I know that I am still incredibly sensitive to outside opinions, thoughts, and questions. I know that I am not always able to discern tones, and I perceive judgements. There are still areas of hurt and sadness that I am working my way through to tackle and experience restored relationships. A beloved hard lesson came from a seed planted last summer. In the midst of dealing with fear and sadness I was trying really hard to be the 'strong' one. I heard one of the most important things from the most perfect person: "You don't have to be the strong one. You don't have to protect me, from you." It has taken me almost a complete year to grasp, understand, and be able to do that. In wanting to love and care for my friends and family I have always absorbed the situation and weighted myself down, drowned out my needs, and then put all the walls back up. Literally. One year later I finally understand that way of living, and that example is not the truth. It doesn't glorify God, and it kills me. How I wish I had been able to live that the past 6 months, so many things would have been different!

I know that I am not the healer. I know that the touch I am looking for does not come from my mind. It comes per invitation of my heart. I can't find it in Target in the first aid aisle, and I can't open my mailbox to receive it in an envelope.

But it is there. How fitting that the sacrifice and wounds of a Savior is our only way of healing, transformation, restoration and freedom. It's not an easy fix. The price was high, the experience brutal and violent. Yet, it covers us. It blankets us with promise and productivity to live as lights guiding all praise and glory to the one most high.

On this night, I am compiling hundreds of photographs to make a DVD of the China trip for my friends. I am looking at faces I have not seen since June, and I am thinking about new aspects of that experience with the maturity I have gained since its end. I do not wish to go back. I am here. I am now. I am working my way through tremendous family stress and strife, and I am trying to live with my wounds visible so that as healing comes I am able to show Christ. My life does not look anything like I imagined for this particular time. I draw comfort however that it was designed for a purpose greater then my own understanding, and that what I'm searching for will continue to be revealed as I let go of hurts, dysfunctions, and doubts.

Where do you go first when broken?

Do you absorb a situation to 'help it', instead of aligning your spirit with Christ and surrendering it all?

What needs 'fixing' in your life?

Are you letting your mind race and forgetting to open your heart for the invitation?

...and my favorite question of the summer...

What are you waiting for?

1 Peter 2:24: He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed.

Psalm 40 1-3: I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.

Emily & Lindsay

The Young Life circle is very fun sometimes.

Tonight was a great example of that for me.

This afternoon Emily came over and we hashed out the past 8 months of our lives since we last saw each other at Christmas. It's refreshing to talk to someone who has been part of the story, even if they are not a central focus of it. We spoke frankly. We spoke vulnerably. There was a lot of truth, love, friendship, and grace.

We then went to dinner with Lindsay and Ryan, whom Emily met at Windy Gap as interns. It was fun to listen to them talk about mutual friends, and share memories of their year together. Not knowing them during Emily's internship, but knowing her and hearing stories of Ryan and Lindsay it was ridiculous that I now share a town with these two friends.

Craziness.

Pink Hut followed.

There were rainbow sprinkles.

Chad drove through and asked me where my ponytail came from, not entirely convinced that it was really my hair that hit so low in my back. I had to pull it out to prove it. It made me smile.

I am thankful for my time on staff, and I am thankful that some of the most precious people in my life still serve the Lord in the capacity of YL Camping. Their work is important, and I pray for them daily. This Spring it was fun to meet some folks on Property Staff in Oregon, and just let the circle expand. Hear their stories. There is something divine and magical at a Young Life Camp. Not that God doesn't move mountains elsewhere, but there is a calming force in my heart when I visit, and walk with those I love who work there full time. It's precious to me.

Tonight I had conversation with someone I used to meet every week for Thursday dinners before she graduated college. I love her dearly, and I love that despite our ability to be in touch more often, that when we do catch up it is nothing less then completely honest and authentic.

Love her. And that crazy girl Lindsay she told me so much about that I can also call my friend too, whom I will miss when she moves home to Texas next week. But the great thing about YL and Jesus- is that circles are always rotating, and no goodbye is ever really for very long.

That could quite possibly be my favorite part.

This Much.

For days now I have thought about one family nonstop. With the diagnosis of cancer they began a blog in which they are sharing their story. I have read every entry, and I have cried in the vulnerability in which Libby details her processing of diagnosis, and in her husband Justin's brave account of his deep profound love for his bride. Together they are banding together and they are going to fight. They have described how they have already been changed. How nothing will ever be the same. How grateful they already are for the way their love for each other sharpened, deepened and intensified.

They are brave. They have a 6 month old daughter who will not remember this time in which her mother was superwoman in fighting cancer. She will not know the several tears and prayers raised for her parents to triumph. I think she knows already what matters most. She knows loves. Love knows no age. Love is speechless and often silent.

I am not close to this young married couple. But we love many of the same people. Our stories are woven through others, and now my heart prays for them daily. For strength. For peace. For sheer will in determination. For grace. For long walks on the beach together. For holding hands. For laughs in the stillness of night in storytelling. For a long future together. For Jesus to be in their words, actions, thoughts, and dreams as they will be a light to every person treating Libby.

It's amazing to read comments being left on their blog and to see the crowd of witnesses walking with them and how community as Christ intended it is living right now in this situation. It is already making such a huge impact. God is so awesome.

She writes in the opening page of the blog,

"i was thankful this was all happening now and not in 60 years when we were older and had missed out on loving Jesus this much, or each other this much, and everyone around this much. since we never saw this one coming. i guess that is what you sign up for when you decide to give your life...we are talking your life here...to Jesus Christ. it means trusting him with everything. i thought i did though. but now i know that i didn't. i mean i did a little. but not like i do now. this is our story and since we are not writing it, God is...we have to trust that he wanted this part to be in ours."

I have thought about 'this much' for days.

I have thought about my trust in God.

Do I trust Him with everything?

Every last minute, thought, purpose, and relationship?

Did I really seek Him when I wasn't sure?

Do I believe He loves me in each and every breath?

Do I surrender not just when I think it matters, but in every.single.moment?

If I am not, what is it going to take? What am I waiting for?

As I read Libby's account of their day to day experience, in the midst of having a diagnosis for only a week I have prayed that my heart would be open to loving Jesus more then I think is possible, and that I would continue to surrender the wicked mind games my head plays, and remember...

that Love.

this much.

is worth it, when He is the center.

Jesus stretched out His arms wide, and gave His life for us because His love knew no other way. He loves us 'this much'.

This summer has been some intense periods of rain, some abundance of sunshine, and a whole lot of Jesus. I liken it to driving through the rain, sometimes its so hard you can't see the road, and you get mad at trucks that kick up puddles. Yet, there comes a moment in that rainstorm that you can see the other side of those clouds dispersing their precipitation. You can see the blue sky. You know that the rain is going to break. You believe it because you can see it. You sigh a deep sense of relief because the rain was so intense and so treacherous.

Then... there's nothing but sunshine.

Tonight I pray that Justin and Libby in the midst of this rain storm of life, will continue to trust and believe that the other side of these clouds is there. They can't see it yet, but Christ does, and His will and power is unlike anything we can experience on earth: even the most terrifying torrential downpour.

Rain saturates the earth.

Flowers grow.

Gardens flourish.

His story and love is beautiful.

It's never too late to sow soil that is nourished in His love.

What will I choose to plant? What will I ask Him to restore?

Will I place my hope and trust in Him more then I did a second ago?

My prayer continues to be that I could live to love Him and those He has blessed me with, this much... now. Not later. Not when its more convenient. Not when I think its going to be easier. Not half way. Now. In pouring rain, or in sunshine. It's you. It's me. It's going to be built on and be completely about Jesus.

If you are interested in reading a tremendous story of love, Jesus, family, prayer, and truth check out, and please include this precious family in your prayers:

www.libbyryder.blogspot.com

You will not be sorry.

Rowe Rowe

So... I missed the birth of Rowe Rowe in my time... I am trying to come up with something witty to call my absence from my life from March-July. Nothing has yet come to mind. If you think of something please let me know. ANYWHO, I met Rowe in May for a minute when I brought Hayden the most beautiful collection of flowers and we were joyful and it was wonderful. However. One of my most favorite Baby Gifts is personalized onesies. It's just so fun to custom make them relevant to the child, like with their name, future camper status, or something about their pet peers.

In my procrastinating all things my office (its out of hand, boxes stacked on boxes, and it hurts my heart that I can't yet get the motivation to do it), I had Baby Craft Hour and delivered these gems to Hayden and Rowe.

I found the plastic paint bucket at the craft store, and used glue dots to attach the ribbon and buttons. Make sure you wash the Onesies before you paint, and when they are completely dry throw them in the dryer to set (usually like 30 minutes).

I love this idea, I stole it from somewhere though now I can't remember where. You can steal it from me here. But we can't show up at the same place with it!

Do you have any favorite Baby Craft Gifts?

Sharing is Caring!

Defying Gravity

I am kind of all over the place. For the most part I have clicked through images and day dreamed. I am in the process of planning a very packed 12 days on the West Coast. What was going to be a weekend in Vegas has turned into an epic adventure. I have made some important decisions about what I am going to do, and who I am going to see. I have priced it out a dozen different ways trying to figure out the most economical. I think I have settled on a plan. I begin in Vegas with the most delightful assortment of women. It will be so different in comparison to other times out there. The combination of sisters is euphoric, and I'm delighted. They all return back to the East, and I will head West.

First stop? Bakersfield. I am returning after three years, and I cannot wait. I wasn't going to do this portion, and I was going to put it off entirely... but the fact is I miss it. Last Monday I thought about it, and I realized that I'm not going searching for a ghost, but I'm going connecting with life... and that is by visiting Candice and Felicia (below).

Then I will come and place my feet on this railing and I will be still... I will be quiet. I will probably write a little. Read a little. I know that I will mostly just watch the water in its rhythmic motion and I will pray. I cannot wait for this afternoon.

After that I am seeing and doing some new things for which I'm really excited about. They range from visiting the Hearst Castle, the 17 mile highway of beauty leading into Monterey, and a quick peek into Napa.

I finish in the city I always claimed to be my future home. I was there three years ago exactly as I arrive.


I have been mildly obsessed with Wicked all summer. I saw it in May and just fell in love with it. There is a song in it called "Defying Gravity". At a particular point Elphaba sings to Glinda,

"Too late for second guessing

Too late to go back to sleep

It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap!

It's time to try

Defying Gravity

I think I'll try

Defying Gravity

And you can't pull me down...

I'm through accepting limits

'Cause someone says they're so

Some things I cannot change

But till I try, I'll never know

Too long I've been afraid of

Losing love I guess I've lost

Well, if that's love

It comes at much too high a cost...

So if you care to find me

Look to the western sky!

As someone told me lately:

everyone deserves a chance to fly

And if I'm flying solo

At least I'm flying free

To those who'd ground me

Take a message back from me

Tell them how I am

Defying gravity..."

It seems only fitting that after this summer I end on the opposite coast it began. I started the summer season in Connecticut with a day in NYC in which I felt content in my environment, and I saw a show I most wanted to see- it was a brief respite in chaos. Since then the lyrics of this particular song have been with me, and I just get it. And so... I will close my time on the West Coast, and bid adieu to summer with Wicked in San Francisco. I like bookends. I like neat packages of experiences. This is going to be such a stellar time, that I expect some intense jealousy to ensue. I will send postcards, I promise. And I will be constantly looking in crowds for 2 faces. It's true.

I return home hopefully to some job interviews, as the application process has been slow and arduous. It will be a jam packed time away, but I know that before employment begins I should utilize the days I have without taking time off for vacation. I'm excited. It's bittersweet, and it will have moments that I know I will wish it were different. But I'm excited and I am sure. So all day... been day dreaming and praying about the time away and that the Lord would use it and that I could celebrate a FULL life, celebrate 5 years of missing and loving Bill, and that with my hand catching the wind out of the window as I drive- I will get to watch the sunset over my favorite ocean... and I will continue to defy gravity.

Life in flight continues.

Yummy Delicious.

Churros.

Have the perfect wow factor and are so freaking easy.

You need to make them.

As soon as possible.

Recipe for Yummy Delicious:

Vegetable Oil for frying

1 cup water

4 ounces butter (one stick)

1/4 tsp. salt

1 cup all purpose flour

3 eggs

1/4 cup sugar

1/4 tsp ground cinnamon

1) Heat water, butter, salt to a rolling boil in 3 quart saucepan.

2) Stir in flour. Stir vigorously over low heat until mixture forms a ball, about 1 minute; remove from heat.

3) In separate bowl beat eggs until smooth. Then add to the saucepan while stirring.

4) In a pipe bag with a large star tip disperse long or short strips (your preference) into oil. Fry about 2 minutes a side. Remove from oil and douse with cinnamon sugar mixture.

I made the dough ahead of time, put it in the piping bag and stored it in the fridge until time to make them. This worked perfectly. I served with honey also. LOVED LOVED them.

Enjoy!

xoxox

Door.

She waits by the door often.

Sometimes I think we are waiting for the same person.

Mostly I like to think she's protecting me from whoever may come to the door.

Like some magnificently intimidating guard dog.

I know though she is just waiting to wag her tail, and give kisses in her squealing enthusiasm.

We've had a revolving door of house guests. Mandy left this week, Betty Cabell came and left.

Tonight friends came over... and we hung out.

She sat at Ryan's feet and just wagged her tail eagerly as if to say "will you love me forever?"

She is unaware of the fan club she has.

But still... I think she waits at the door looking for one person.

It's ok, I tell her, that I'm waiting for them too.

Life tonight is full and good. Glad for all those who sat at my dinner table this week and shared conversation on the couch. God has done good things in my heart.

I have been pursued and visited in abundance since my arrival back to Virginia July 6th. It's insane.

I have heard and been sort of asked the same thing, "You are looking great, sounding even better...?"

I tell them its Jesus.

I tell them I am well because I have experienced great love and friendship.

I tell them I have returned. They smile because the announcement isn't news- they see it. It's just verbal confirmation.

I tell them because even after all is said and done, sometimes I just want my best friend to come sit on the couch with me and talk about life.

I tell them, that feeling that way has been healing and tremendous.

I tell them, that every day its different. Some days harder. Some days easier.

But that God is the absolute same. And that I am better because of it.

I tell them that the storms have quieted, I have made choices, I have seen the other side... and that I'm done there.

I tell them that I feel more like the me that has been waiting then I feel like the me that was searching.

I tell them... that I wait sometimes anticipating who comes to the door, and that I am always thankful for the faces I see as they arrive.

Gracie and I are waiting at times for the same person we know that is too far away to come.

But we hope.

And in our hope, we are more like the friend we miss then ever before.

Photo Album. August. 2009.

From August 2009...

I know this sounds insane to those who know me well, or know the struggles of this summer... but I have absolutely loved and cherished this summer more then I could even say. In the past week I have had moments like I mentioned in my previous post- the visions and flashbacks... the surfacing of memories that both move my heart and stir thoughts up in my mind. I am left with a lot of love and gratitude, and I have found myself in Europe more and more as I let my mind wonder to favorite things, or moments that I love most.

Some of those lead to friendships that changed in the distance, and some of those moments lead to times that I was at the end of my self, I was at the end of what I thought or felt and my heart was completely rested and assured in Christ. I have assembled and laid out each page of the photo book from my trip. Now I am going through and adding the postcards I sent home to myself from each place, and some that I wrote to others that perfectly articulated and captured a moment.

In the midst of a difficult and quite emotional conversation in May a few days before I left- Tex asked how he could make something better, or what he could "do". I remember that the first thing I thought of and wanted was a time machine. Impossible. These don't exist. Well, perhaps just not in the way we would expect.

The photo album of my trip is a time machine. I remember everything about a day, a sight, a church, a building, the conversation I had with a stranger... what I thought, felt, and wanted to hold onto. I remember what I did later that day, and I remember when I wrote every blog entry based on an inspiration from an image captured. I can tell you what I ate, where I went, how many times I typically got lost... I remember it all. The good days, the ones sitting quietly and writing postcards to loved ones. The successes in completing a shopping list of necessities. The faces I swore belonged to someone else. The touches of strangers on my arm in their expression of warmth in a greeting. The iChat conversation that was hard to be vulnerable in. The day I thought I figured it all out. The next one when I knew I was not in control of anything... period. The hard day of wanting to be lazy. The tremendous day of not understanding what was to come, but deep contentment in the part I got to play.

Time Machines.

I want one sometimes to remember the sweetness of a kiss on the forehead.

To remember the stamp being pressed tightly and firmly into my passport.

To return home, knowing without question that the time had come.

And most recently- the unspoken language in a glance from a friend, that speaks more in a split second then any marathon conversation at Waffle House would facilitate.

Home. 11.28.09

Home.: 11.2009

I found this blog tonight, its dated November 2009... it still relevant so its being posted. Funny how reading something like this I can instantly remember why it began, and even more so-- why I never finished it.

I have 7 different songs in my iTunes with the title "Home". Outside of that there are countless song titles that contain home, or the album name does.

When the word comes to mind, what do you think of first?

Sometimes I think of the driveway of my childhood home, or I think of riding my bike down Mainstreet with Katie following behind making my laugh so hard I nearly crash into things. Home sometimes feels like a distant place or idea that I'm unable to touch or grasp when I feel lonely, and at times it is a warm cozy blanket on the couch watching tv with Gracie.

Through the years my notion and idea of home has continued to be shaped, molded, and changed in new ways... for which I have always been grateful. Having spent what seems like more time away from White Oak Lane, then actually here I have always felt at ease under this roof, and thankful to be protected by these walls.

Where is home for you?

Is it a building?

Is it in the arms of someone you love?

Or... is at on your knees at the mercy of the Savior?

Do you go there often?

Is it a place you visit?

Or is it where you live?