He's Waiting

Sometimes I wish that everyplace that I look, and at every task I am trying to complete came with a post it note that said, "take pause. here."

I don't want to miss Christmas. Especially now that I'm decorating my house, wanting to contribute to my community with Holiday Cheer (having house dinner Christmas WAY early was smart for this over tired and exhausted girl).

What I've been learning a lot about, and what I am thankful about is that, here. At the edge. Of exhaustion. Myself. The task. The day. The season. My heart. My mind. Is sometimes the only place I remember to lean back, to lean in, and to give up all my ambitions, desires, and intentions to- Jesus. I can decorate, exchange gifts, and "add" onto the Tree and Season with my offerings.

But the ONLY thing that matters does not require a bow, a cookie, a meal, or a tree.

Jesus asks for my heart. My time. My focus. My energy. My exhaustion. He waits. And waits. Knowing that the choices I will make that will pull me in directions that will not nourish me, and knowing what burdens I will carry before I give them up.

And he waits.

In a manger. Under a dark sky lit with one bright, holy divine star.

He waits for me. He waits for you.

He waits. And we spend so much time and energy focusing on every other tradition, detail, requirement, hope, and wish. That we forget the only one that gives us life, that brings true relationship, secures our eternities, and quenches every dream and wish- is waiting. For our time. For us.

I have 3 days. Two more working days before Christmas Day. I have learned so much this Holiday Season with the stresses, and the work load, and the 75 people I help manage and lead... that a moment, a breather, a conversation outside of the context of the task is encouraging and life giving when the to do list is endlessly long.

At the end of myself and this season I am thankful to be reminded of in small moments and in bigger hopes and plans- that the only thing I need, the only thing He wants, is my heart. All of it. For always.

Sometimes it just takes having no other personal strength or perspective left, to see that one bright one star- in what feels like a very long dark night.... to bring me back home, lift my heart up, and to enjoy that relationship fully, because He's waiting. For it, for me. Forever.

holiday decor.

My sister decorates her house in excess. She claims that its almost as if Christmas Threw Up on her house.

I could not be more different.

I have never decorated for the Holiday. Never bought a big ole tree. Nope.

Explaining this in years past I would just leave it simply with "I'm never home for Christmas". But the truth is, I just couldn't do it. Somewhat of a Scrooge, and a tenderhearted girl to family moments and traditions lost in the space between siblings, and dissolve of my parents marriage.

Last year was different. I sat through Crossroads' (Mandy's Church in Ohio), and wept through their production of Awaited (Their Christmas Show). Like seriously. Cried through nearly the entire thing. Their song "We Three Kings" unglued me. At the seams. I could not control how often the tears dropped. I had been searching. For a very long time. For something. In the midst of that performance, I was able to see without question or obstructed vision. That the Star. I have traveled so far. Both literally and figuratively. He had the power to give me sight. He restored me, in my weakness- in my hurt. The movement of the dancers, and the singular star that was positioned above them. Took my breath completely away.

We three kings.

Have traveled so far.

Through fields and mount

In pursuit of the star

And we with humanity, seek to find

What lies beyond the earth and sky...

Dreamers, three

Unsettled are we

No truth, we find

Or love that sets free

But whisper has come to our ears from afar

To rise and follow this star

Star of wonder

Star at night

Reach Reach Reach for the Star

Star of wonder

Star at night

Star of wonder, star at night...

Reach. Reach. Reach.

Oh, star of wonder star at night

Star of wonder. Star at Night.

You have the power to, to give us sight

To feed the hungry. Restore the weak.

Are you the one, for which, we seek?

We three kings. Have traveled so far.

Abandoned all.

For the sake of this star.

My heart had begun to change while in China, about what does a family look like- what will my traditions be for my children one day- how do you truly honor God in your relationships, etc... my hardened and burdened heart for my own lost traditions began to open wide so that they could be healed. Newness was not replacing beloved favorite memories, but it was helping move a very stubborn foot forward.

I am in the midst of the most stressful season of my professional life. I have had these seasons before. I would get lost into them. They were an excuse for not participating. I was able to hide.

Now that I'm here, and have hung 150 plus ornaments from the ceiling at work, I was sort of at a loss for the desire my heart had to decorate my own home. I wanted my own tree. While at brunch after Church a few weeks ago I shared this. I shared how the Lord has changed and worked in my heart in this regard. Justin suggested that at house dinner the following week, everyone would come bearing an ornament to decorate my tree. I would have a tree. And it would be decorated in friendship. Amazing. When I set my tree up I started rustling through drawers and boxes locating ornaments given to me in the past. Tiffany's was from Emily last year. Diet Coke was found somewhere awhile back- I bought it in hope that it would find its true home on a tree, just didn't know when. Up! Was purchased when they released the first Hallmark Pixar Series (I hang out with K.Piper alot, she enlightened me in this regard). It was funny to me how I'd had about half a dozen ornaments for a tree I never planned on ever having. God is funny that way.

My front door has a Wreath that Kim, my Winston BFF MADE herself. I love it. It's perfect. There are stories on the tree. A globe I found to represent all the times I've been around the world- and how now. Here. Now. Home. Is what matters most.

A home that now houses a tree.

My very first. True. Decorated and beloved tree.

I love the light it casts in the dark night- but also as the sun sets and the glow of the lights reflects on the framed photographs on the wall.

Pictures are below. Including Gracie next to her most favorite new thing. Sitting close, and near to the splendor and joy that is Christmas here. It's like she was waiting the whole time for it to come. She looks at her stocking and sniffs it, and then she sleeps next to the lights. I love it.

feeling better.

Never underestimate the feeling of being healthy. Like no more sniffling, sneezing, coughing, or headaches. I have been sick before, like in the span of my life obviously. But I've never been hit so hard back to back in the span of three weeks. The flu was awful, but the bronchial illness was enough to make my heart sad.

But the healing does come. And something even better returns- ease. Today I returned to work after two whole wonderfully purposed days off. I Christmas decorated (more on that later), I shopping for some misc. gifts, I prepped for House Dinner here tomorrow night, I hung out with Kristyn a lot, and I laughed, talked, texted, caught up, and just loved it.

I returned to work laughing at the banter of the afternoon Alexis and I shared, and began my day with Ed. Whom makes me smile and brings me out of my sometimes over focused on the details in the work place. He was visiting us to help us out while Danielle is out resting her back which she injured this week.

I mention all of this because it was marvelous to come home tonight, to sit and begin to reflect on the day and acknowledge that I feel better. The day was better. It should be important to mention that I love my job, and I love the people I work with- and even in the midst of illness I still love my job, and I still love the people I work with. But today was definitely the FUN that I'd been missing.

So. I will try and rest, and recoup. In typical fashion the next few days are manic and jam packed with work, a dinner party, work, and a flight to NYC!, and a football game, and a Family Christmas celebration early, and a flight BACK home... to work.

But I will love it all.

Especially now that my fever is gone. My coughing has stopped.

I can breathe and laugh and not hyperventilate... and its fun. Again.

Yay.