Circles.

Circles. I have been running in circles... in my head, in my heart... in every oracle of my body. 

In the fantastically cheesy movie "Center Stage" there is a scene in which the ballet instructor is talking to one of her students about dealing with challenges with the director of the program:

"The smart ones know where to look... when things get rough. It isn't there. (Walks over the the barre) It's HERE. No matter what happened in class, performance, last week, 5 minutes ago... if you come back here... you'll be home."

I have been thinking a lot about what that place for me is. Where is that place that I return to, and am able to rest all my fears, all my hurts, all my dreams, and just be... just return to one place and put everything that runs me around in ridiculous circles in my head on the side.  Where do I let it all go? 

Is it in the pew of church?

Is it in the silence while driving my car?

Is it when I'm able to lay my head on the pillow?

Is it sitting on the edge of the river?

Is is in the midst of a conversation with someone I love?

Is it staring out into the wide open blue while sitting on my favorite bench?

Last week when I was getting myself together to return home to Virginia I thought often of the scene in the movie, and I thought about the "here" for the dancer in the film... and I was able to see how regardless of my thoughts on staying or leaving Lexington, Virginia it is still very much my home, my place... my "here". 

There are many things that make that possible and true for me, and each day I try to understand that its ok that I don't know where I'm going down the road, but that I can still let myself be vulnerable while here. Changes are happening, crossroads are approaching, matters of the heart are pressing, and yet... I'm here. I'm fighting a natural instinct to run in the opposite direction, and I'm fighting the desire to want to quit. I am not sure what tomorrow looks like, and I'm not sure what I will think about all of the things I obsess about come the weekend. Each day I have a different thought, perspective, emotion, and fear. 

You ever have a moment, that in some way in your core you feel like after it passes that life will never look, feel, or be anything like it again? It's almost like in the birth of each new minute, something is also dying at the same exact time as it passes? 

I have had several of those kinds of moments recently. I can't articulate how each one made me feel- but more often then not their arrival and passing had my heart returning for one desire, and that is for a place that is safe. A place to rest, and a place that the sadness of change and the fear associated with unknown can't touch me- for only a short time, so that perhaps I can gather all of my pieces together and continue to move forward trusting that Love is always the right answer... and that in loving the Lord, strength will be given to love others completely, and without a hint or trace of selfish intent. I don't know how well I do that in the day to day, or person to person... But I do know that I know more clearly what love is because of certain people in my life, and I'm more able to understand how Christ loves me because of them... those are the people you don't quit on, those are the people you fight for, and those are the people that when there are so few answers and so many lingering questions- that Love silences them all. I know that. I just don't always trust it. 

Truth is, I know that to accept the future I desire and to be changed in the ways I need to be changed the only safe place is with the Savior. I know that in the comfort of the most magnificent relationship, my heart will find true peace and rest as I am able to align my desires for my life, my future, with His. I'm still who I am, I still want what I want, and I still think what I think... but I am hopeful that each day my grip will loosen, each day I will be able to do more then say "I trust", but that I will actually trust, submit... and my greatest challenge: surrender. Give it all up, it all... every last ounce of control, desire, hope, dream, hurt, fear, anxiety, and thought- so that I can be filled with more of His. 

My 'here'... is still Lexington. My heart knows it, my mind is still trying to understand how after pursuing a move with voracity means that not a single box is being packed at the moment. I know that process is coming, but I've had to let go of needing to know if its right now (deep breath and sigh follow that statement). 

Not Alone

Sunny.
Seventy Degrees.
Virginia... what up? I Love You.

A week ago I was in bed at the Michels house, trying to stay warm- then cool off from a fever that was plaguing my body, and avoiding the 4 degree bitter cold temperatures outside. I have since returned back to Virginia (yes, a little early) and have been enjoying the most beautiful day today. 

I would love to report that I found an answer I was seeking in my time away and that is why I returned home before I had originally planned. Yet, the truth of the matter is that no, I did not find an answer I was looking for. I returned home knowing that I needed only one thing, and that was truth... the truth that could only come in the form of Home. I enjoyed time talking with friends tremendously, and I appreciated the time I had to pursue what living in a different place would look like. I never ached for home with the exception of the weekend of the Flu, and I feel like I balanced all the stresses well- which was proof of growth and the good Lord at work in my heart. 

I did find other things though, things that had nothing to do with where I should live, or what I should be when I grow up. I found that I am able to be independent and dependent at the same time, and that they can compliment each other- instead of being this strange shift back and forth which has caused chaos in the past for me. I have found myself debating ideas I have about the future that are unfounded in truth, and just desire. I tackled thoughts about being proactive in areas I have been insecure and fearful of. I spent a lot of time with Jesus in the car, and some of the best conversations of my life happened when I was driving between one friends town to the other. 

I still feel lost in a lot of ways. Yet, I feel found in more. I know that I don't make sense a lot of the time, and if you ask Tex he will tell you that every day I have been home I have had a different take on the future and what I think about it. I am able to think back at conversations I have had with him that light bulbs have gone off, and then the next day I work myself into a new place second guessing what is true, not true, and what I'm supposed to do with all of the options. The truth of the matter, is that I feel a lot of pressure. I know that I put this pressure on myself and that I am in control of relieving it or increasing it. I have one eye on my future and purpose, and then the other on how that effects my bubble and everyone around me. I know that I can't see Christ if I'm looking in two different places at one time- I need to be focused on one. I have to be focused that I'm looking straight ahead and in aligning my vision with His.

The biggest thing I have continued to try and do even when its hard is be honest. Regardless of how manic that makes me appear, or how out of control it makes my emotions feel. I know that I can not do this on my own. I know that the Lord has blessed me with tremendous relationships that desire more for my personal happiness then their own, and are willing to let me go off to join the circus if that is where I truly feel called. I have any number of people I can call on a moments notice to ramble and freak out with about the latest idea or fear. Who could ask for more? Me, the girl who wants more from every situation, relationship, destination and location has somehow been able to rest in the comfort of a listening ear, knowing glances, laughter in moments to lighten the mood, and the simple knowledge that I am being carried in prayer... I am being supported in small and big ways... I am not alone. I am making changes and I am pursuing great movements. 

I am not alone. 

I know that I am partnered well with a team of people who are not going to let me drown.

I am not alone.

I know that I struggle most with exposing hurt or fear, but I am finding strength in being more authentic under pressure.

I am not alone.

I am still trying to quiet my sometimes overpowering and dominating voice so that I can recognize the whisper of the Savior. I am allowing Him to take this heart places I never would be bold enough to go on my own, and I am letting go of all the agenda's I have on when, where, and what I need to know- so that I can receive what He has intended...  much like the time I put aside in January to set up a move, the time turned into something entirely different, something divinely planned, because I was open and ready for it- I allowed Christ to do what He needed to do... which always takes me completely by surprise. 

I may not know.

I may not like that.

But I am not alone.

"Come make your peace, come find your way
Come lay your wreath at the alter of change
Don't lose your step, don't break the bones
Don't shoulder the burden out there on your own..."

Where I'm At

The truth is, this past week I was so sick and ridiculously achy that I worked myself out of emotional stability and into complete and utter confusion. The highlight if you could even say there is a highlight is that I was with Seth and Julie, so if I were to be sick in the company of anyone, they would be the ones to pick.

It was supposed to be my lets see if I want to live in Newburgh weekend, and instead it turned into a sad moment just wanting my bed, my dog, and things of comfort in Virginia. It was hard, and it was draining-- and I spent many hours just thinking. The pace slowed... the distracted ceased. I was left only with half lucid moments awake and then streaming video like dreams in my head as I contemplated and debated every possible option of my future. 

I have returned back to Kentucky after spending the day with Kerri, and catching up with her about all things in my life- and her upcoming wedding. I valued her listening ear, and affirmative voice in her always outside the box perspective paired with her heart for my benefit and purpose in growth. We did all things us: Cheesecake Factory, shopping, magazines at B&N, Target... giggles, conversation, and goodness. I now sit on the couch at Jessica's house reflecting on a week I've had since I left, who I saw, what I talked about, and how I generally feel. When I woke up this morning I knew that it was time to get back on the road and move onto the next thing- and my heart felt anxious, confused, and conflicted.

Tonight? I still feel some anxiety, confusion, and conflict... but it was a day to talk and be heard and after all that I had to say was said, I heard some really amazing pieces of wisdom that meant more to me then I knew at the moment they were spoken. I had a few key conversations that helped turn me around and bring be back to basics. I'm thankful for friends that I am able to be completely honest with, even if my natural reaction is to be ambiguous and hold myself back. I'm thankful for friends that wait for me to describe what I'm thinking, and allow that process to unfold... and after what I've held in is let out, and I sit quiet on the phone or across from them-- in the place of what left my heart is not the void in vulnerability but the touch of the one who chose to ask a question, and listened... in the void of where fear can grow, trust and pure love is replaced.

I have learned a lot of things the past couple of weeks. I have seen a lot of people I love, and I have made new friends in the process. I have had to face some demons that followed me from Virginia, and I have had to watch some friends deal with drama they did not anticipate or desire. It has been interesting, and it has been challenging in more ways then I could say now, and I'm thankful its not over. It's never really over. It doesn't matter where I am, who I stay with, or what I do... this heart is opened and waiting... for more then making the best-- I'm waiting for the Call. That perhaps could have been the biggest epiphany of this entire experience so far... which was really just articulated beautifully today with the help of a great friend. 

"Lost for words, so lost in love, sweetly broken- Holy surrender

At the cross you beckon me, draw me gently to my knees..."

Newburgh Arrival

Ok. I am in Newburgh, Indiana. I am sitting in Seth and Julie's apartment watching American Idol, and enjoying some dinner that I've raided from their fridge. They are out right now- so I'm here just hanging out, and honestly this moment couldn't be more perfect. 

I had some car time today- I made my way through some snow and wind, and found my final destination FREEZING. Tomorrow the high is 12 degrees, and the low is 4... if you know me you must find it hysterical that I am in a frigid place, and that I still hate to wear jackets. Pashmina's and gloves do not cut the cold air, and so friends, I have already entertained the idea that I can stay inside all day tomorrow and miss it completely. However, being inside all day is not conducive to the point of this road trip to casa de Michels. 

I have been busy, and I have kept socialized- almost overly so. My schedule of lunches, coffee dates, and dinners with friends have distracted me completely from the home I love in Virginia. Besides Facebook messages, and miscellaneous emails I have been fairly detached from the friendships I have back home... that was until last night. As I went to bed my phone went off with a text message, which was then followed by a hysterical conversation between two friends who were awake- but were so tired they could only laugh and wonder if the conversation was happening in a dream. I am not sure how long that conversation would have lasted if not for my phone battery dying and kind of 'saving me' from having to explain what something I had said quickly meant. I laughed, and talked with a friend about mostly ridiculous things- there was some depth, but for the most part it was a slow opening up process for me. I can't explain why there has been hesitation in my vulnerability with home, and I was asked a really interesting question that I did not anticipate and that, "Is it that you don't know how to describe what you are thinking, or you don't know what to reveal?". 

I have thought about that question all day, and I still stand by my response that I didn't know what to reveal. I explained that most people don't want to hear every last random idea, thought, plan, fear or dream- and that there are other things that I just protect. In response to my explanation I was met with the very encouraging sentiment that it all mattered to the one who asked. 

So... what is going in my head. I have been quiet on the blog front with any sort of true vulnerability, and I have written very vague prayer request emails to "my prayer people". I work well in list formats, so I think that is what I will begin with.

1) I don't miss home. That sometimes scares me, and sometimes I think I might just be in denial... but I have little to no desire to head on 64 east towards Virginia. I would however absolutely love to have some people come my way.

2) I started writing the book again. I was sad to see where I had left off, and how what I was writing about the last time was something I have since found new sadness in. I worked my way through reading the last parts and was able to push through what it meant to me now. It felt great to start writing again, and while I did not spend a tremendous time on it yesterday, I look forward to the continuing process of wrapping up what began last year. I will finish it, I will print it, I will go to Staples and get it bound. It will be done soon.

3) My Car. I have spent a ridiculous amount of time in my car recently, I have had some fantastic conversations on my phone, but I also have used my voice only to sing along to songs that come up on shuffle on the iPod. Which by the way, Jesus still lives in the radio- and I have laughed at loud when I can recognize that and wonder why no one else is in the car to appreciate it. 

4) I spent time with Emily, and I love her. Deeply and truly, she makes me laugh. And she is a mom now-- I remember her before Jude, and I remember her before being a Mrs. Sometimes that is strangely overwhelming to see how life is so completely different 7 years after we met. Yet at the same time, my life is still being figured out- I am not settled, I am not married, and I am not a mother. And I completely celebrate that in light of all the things my mind debates on a daily basis.... its just weird... but great. 

5) I have been using the same bobby pin for the past four days. I stole it from Holly's house, and honestly- this bobby pin has been the best one ever. I mention all this because I love bobby pins but I hate how they stretch out. 

(also, American Idol just made me cry. The last contestant's spirit paired with Fantasia's inspirational ballad... I completely just choked up: "I can see the stars across the sky- I've waited all my life for this moment to arrive, and finally... I believe". aww sappy American Idol moments, how I've missed you.) 

6) I keep thinking about the sermon I heard on Sunday at Southland... which then makes me think about a sermon I heard in October about the wisdom of intimacy. Which then makes me think about decisions we make in relationships, and how I know that I struggle with wanting to understand things in my life more then I am able to let go and allow God to reveal to me things in His timing and purpose. 

7) I keep praying about Art School. I think that regardless of where I end up in the next few months, I will be taking classes this fall. The big debate however is if I should stay in Virginia and move to Richmond to attend classes at VCU (I like their program). Random: I know. But not so random at the same time. Are you scratching your head on this one? It's ok... I am all over the place. 

Ok, so my list still kind of "surfacey". My thoughts still very manic. I am doing well, I'm happy, and I'm not sad for any other reason then I wish my dog were with me. Questions, concerns, or comments? Have your people call my people. 

At the Moment

I am happily drinking a diet coke, and here at Emily's house in Indianapolis. I arrived yesterday and was quickly able to glide into our banter and completing each other's thoughts and then laughing hysterically afterwards. Such joy. We talked over dinner, and while watching a little bit of TV- and amazingly able to dive right into hard, real, emotional life issues and found encouragement there... it was the perfect next step to be in my little bop around KY/OH/IN month of goodness. 

My time in Lexington was both refreshing and challenging. There is drama of life everywhere, and there are real issues regardless of the zip code we operate from. I'm ok with this, for the most part. This weekend I had some tough conversations in which there was no room to be selfish-- only speak in love, only listen in love- there was nothing else. I am thankful that the Lord has created me to be able to be whatever is needed in the moment. I think its just one of those gifts I don't pay attention to until the moment passes, and I am only left to be thankful that I am instrument of God's love in times, moments, hugs, laughs, and chats that I would never be strong or courageous enough to choose myself. 

I have been gone a little over a week, and I still don't really miss home. Is that weird? I don't know if because I have been busy and very social that I just have been so distracted...? I do know that I have struggled in the past with homesickness in traveling, that after even a few days all I want is my bed, my dog, and the company of my best friend. Today, yesterday, last week... I wish more for them here then me there- and sometimes that makes me feel guilty- like I'm cheating on my life somehow. It sounds ridiculous I know, and I'm not doing a great job describing it, but please go with it. 

Also, a shout out to my new favorite Lexington girl: Holly. Seriously... you are a gem. ;o)

"Give me
Just one part of you to cling to
And keep me
Everywhere you are
It's just enough to steal my heart and run
And fade out with the falling sun"

A Shift

"So maybe you could walk with me a while
Maybe I could rest beneath your smile
Maybe I could feel you right beside me til' I'm home
'Cause it's a long trip alone..."

I have written many things in my head this week, and made note of each random anecdote to write it here... but I have forgotten many of the lines, stories, and moments that I thought I should share. Instead I woke up this morning to the rain and thunder, but also an email asking me how I was doing. I have been sitting here on the couch for a few minutes trying to figure out how to respond to a simple question, and I have been trying to articulate what it is I've been thinking and feeling. So in writing my response to the email I thought, "perhaps this is what you should also write on the blog". 

The best way to describe it, is that I sense a shift has been made in my heart and mind about the current status and drama of life. I went to see Mandy this week, and we spent a few days eating at our favorite establishments, playing Snood on our respective computers, watching ridiculous movies we would then be embarrassed talking to Nick about, and having meaningful conversation as the minute hand on the clock took us from night to morning. When I arrived on Tuesday I was a bucket of tears, and I sat on the couch and just cried. In the tears I found the release and vulnerability I was seeking, and in her hug I found the encouragement that I was going to be ok, and that I was in the current state more lovely and authentic than I really knew. 

Leaving Mandy yesterday I drove down here to Lexington, and I was anxious because I was afraid that the emotional ground and stability I was able to find in my time with her would fade. I spent part of the afternoon talking to a new friend that I instantly related and loved over coffee, and I went to Leadership to see faces of those I wouldn't see otherwise. I left there thinking that my life, this grand life that I have been trying to work myself through, is far richer in love and friendship then I am often able to feel. I left feeling grateful, and I left realizing that I am one of those 'lucky ones' I have always wanted to be- I'm just not always aware of it. 

So while this tells you small snip its of moments, and memories made this week since I last wrote, it fails to paint the picture I see in my mind when I look towards the future, who I imagine there, what I will be doing, where that future is, and how I have sensed the shift in my heart from some form of chaos and concern into someone who is processing the risks, the chances, the right and the wrong decision- and who is someone that is slowly able to sleep through the night not tormented by every last movement of her heart, hurt, dream and fear. 

I have been gone a week tomorrow. I honestly feel as though its been weeks, and months since the leap to find out if there was something out here for me to move to. I miss home, but I don't ache for it. I miss my dog, but I know she's being loved well. I miss faces and places of routine, but I know that where I am is more important. While I miss friendships in Lexington, VA... I suppose the greatest moment in my heart is my life, that aside from my friends the life that ached for more, is finally in a place that I think I might take off and fly again... the shift has begun. I pray fervently its not a shift based on denial, or a clouded vision of the heart, but one that is slowly being built in by Christ to give me courage to make a decision perhaps for and influenced by others, but also for me. 

Day One

I pulled into Jessica's driveway last night in Kentucky around 8:30pm. I honestly have no idea how I got here. I stopped once for a slice of pizza, but otherwise took the five hour drive head on- without a single conversation on the phone, completely distracted by my own thoughts. When I passed over into Kentucky, saw the sign and watched the rain let up- I was able to exhale. I would like to say that feeling lasted, but when I got off the exit last night my heart started racing and I wanted to turn around. I woke up this morning, went out to get a diet coke (I know, I know- but it was Sonic: PELLET ICE), and came back home to unpack the car and put things in drawers.

Today otherwise is going to be a fairly normal day. I have a gift to buy, returns to make, lunch to avoid eating, and plans for the night. I don't expect to have it all figured out today, but it would be a complete lie if I didn't admit that its what I want. 

I also have to admit that part of me doesn't want to write the blog while I am away, and part of me wants to hold back and not give freely what I'm thinking about. I already had three things of note to share with a friend of mine that I picked up and put the phone down because I didn't want to miss them more by hearing them laugh... and today is Monday. Seriously Kari, get your act together. 

Oh just another day. 

Falling Slowly

I sing to myself.

And I talk to myself. 

Lately I have been singing random little pieces of songs to myself and in them I find a comfort similar to that of rocking back and forth in the hammock. It's soothing, and its moving. I feel really isolated in my thoughts these days, and I have experienced some emotional highs and lows this week that I am still trying to understand and sort out. 

I leave tomorrow for my time away. What began as the mental health holiday opportunity to check some things out, turned into investigation and preparation to move out of Virginia. How quickly it changed. A small thought to get some perspective, and then a day later everything about it was completely different. I know the day it all changed, and sometimes I wonder what about that day, the conversations I had, the weather- the mood, flipped the switch. I think in my heart I finally heard a question I could not answer with any other solution.

Since returning from CT last Saturday, I have had 6 nights of late night conversations that at one point or another had me laughing or crying. I have gone to bed emotional and exhausted, and have woken up each morning hoping for some peace. Aching for it to be over, and then aching for it never to really begin. Breaking away is hard. I was told that I wasn't allowed to check out. I know that's true- but I think there's a difference between checking out, and moving on. In that process is a constant fight between instinct, personal preservation, and complete desire for more. 

In my head I have melodies that help articulate thoughts and feelings that are not being spoken between myself and those I am in the company of. I know that we are often made aware of how we felt about something, or someone when its gone. Absence makes the heart grow fonder... I know that its true because in traveling my heart knew how much a friendship, a dog, a house, and a life meant to me. How do you stand in the beginning of change and movement and not choose comfort in never having to let go? 

While standing, running, falling, laying, and driving I hear notes and I hear harmonies. I hear them the same way that in my mind I see images of trees, leaves, setting suns, crashing waves, and eyes that can read all 'my faces'. It is clear, and it is profound... I don't understand it, and I don't know if I ever will. 

Today... the song and sounds I hear that have carried me through motions of making Eggo's for breakfast, writing a Birthday card to a friend, folding laundry, and thinking about what I still need to say... I return to the movement and sentiment in Falling Slowly. 

"Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back...

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along"

Benjamin Button Wisdom

For what it’s worth, it’s never too late, or in my case too early, to be whoever you want to be.
There’s no time limit… start whenever you want… you can change or stay the same.
There are no rules to this thing.
We can make the best or the worst of it.
I hope you make the best of it.
I hope you see things that stop you.
I hope you feel things that you never felt before.
I hope you meet people with a different point of view.
I hope you live a life that you’re proud of and if you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.

-Benjamin Button

Letters

"Let us never underestimate the power of a well written letter" -the jane austin book club

I love letters. I love Hallmark. I love the Post Office. When I was younger my grandfather told me that if I wanted to receive letters in the mail, I should send them. People can't help but write back to a handwritten note. Perhaps the single greatest piece of practical wisdom I can remember. My friend Jessica in Florida and I constantly wrote letters back and forth, and I still have many of the letters we exchanged. I laugh when I read through what we thought was important, and what we shared on pages on lined paper covered in stickers.

Participating in Emmaus in High School and beyond I received many poignant and important letters from people that love me. My first weekend I remember reading some of the sentiments and wanting to remember the way that holding the piece of paper in my hands made my heart feel forever. In continuing to work on the Retreat weekends the letters continued, and having collected favorites from that time-I will sometimes find myself sitting on my bed and pouring over some and remembering.

I also have a collection of cards, emails, and letters that connect me to someone very important in my life. They are a bridge between two lives that never really met face to face. Of all the things I own, and all of the blessings I have received from that relationship- those cards and letters are my most treasured. 

When I traveled last year I did not call home much. I can't say there was only one particular reason for not calling, but I know that I did not find myself picking up the phone and placing the call first. But what I did do, was write postcards, cards, and emails- trying to remain connected to home in a different way. I know that scattered across homes of those I sent love in the mail to, in private drawers, bags, and boxes live moments I shared with friends and special thoughts written on a page. 

While watching a movie on Tuesday- the notion of postcards and letters took me by surprise. I was caught off guard, and I was taken aback by my emotional reaction to the written form and its role in the movie. In the days since watching the film, I have thought often to the two phrases spoken, "Write me postcards everywhere you go", and more significantly, "He wrote me letters". The two things don't convey much in writing them here, but my heart knows that they meant and in it there is an aching and a sense of comfort I can't describe easily. 

I have written letters of forgiveness, seeking in another Grace for a wrong I have done. 

I have written letters of assertion, seeking to be heard about something I did not trust to speak verbally.

I have written letters to those telling someone how they've hurt me, seeking to let go.

I have written letters to Christ, seeking His wisdom and plan.

I have written letters to those I love, seeking to encourage them and thank them for their love.

Letters. "Let us never underestimate the power of a well written letter."

It's true. There have been letters I have received that have completely changed my life. 

Often joked about between a friend and I... "say what you need to say"-- I know that I have heard great things in amazing conversations, and I have felt great love from those I have been blessed with. But I also know that the truest and most bold professions of love and friendship have come in the form of someone putting their heart on a page, and given it to me to hold. 

I know that in the next few weeks and all the change I'm about to seek and secure- I will find myself sitting quietly scribbling letters to the Lord in my journal about what I am experiencing. And I am going to write emails to those who want to know how they can pray for my heart in the distance. But I also know, that there will be letters I will want to write trying desperately to connect my heart to another missing their presence... and that I will want to hold things back, because I will want to let go. In this month away I am taking a few letters with me- I am hoping that they will remind me to continue the language of love that I have so been impacted by through my entire life.  

I hold letters and pictures as my most beloved gifts. I have boxes of both, and in them I am reminded that life continues and we change, and are changed. 

Write more letters.