I had some car time today- I made my way through some snow and wind, and found my final destination FREEZING. Tomorrow the high is 12 degrees, and the low is 4... if you know me you must find it hysterical that I am in a frigid place, and that I still hate to wear jackets. Pashmina's and gloves do not cut the cold air, and so friends, I have already entertained the idea that I can stay inside all day tomorrow and miss it completely. However, being inside all day is not conducive to the point of this road trip to casa de Michels.
I have been busy, and I have kept socialized- almost overly so. My schedule of lunches, coffee dates, and dinners with friends have distracted me completely from the home I love in Virginia. Besides Facebook messages, and miscellaneous emails I have been fairly detached from the friendships I have back home... that was until last night. As I went to bed my phone went off with a text message, which was then followed by a hysterical conversation between two friends who were awake- but were so tired they could only laugh and wonder if the conversation was happening in a dream. I am not sure how long that conversation would have lasted if not for my phone battery dying and kind of 'saving me' from having to explain what something I had said quickly meant. I laughed, and talked with a friend about mostly ridiculous things- there was some depth, but for the most part it was a slow opening up process for me. I can't explain why there has been hesitation in my vulnerability with home, and I was asked a really interesting question that I did not anticipate and that, "Is it that you don't know how to describe what you are thinking, or you don't know what to reveal?".
I have thought about that question all day, and I still stand by my response that I didn't know what to reveal. I explained that most people don't want to hear every last random idea, thought, plan, fear or dream- and that there are other things that I just protect. In response to my explanation I was met with the very encouraging sentiment that it all mattered to the one who asked.
So... what is going in my head. I have been quiet on the blog front with any sort of true vulnerability, and I have written very vague prayer request emails to "my prayer people". I work well in list formats, so I think that is what I will begin with.
1) I don't miss home. That sometimes scares me, and sometimes I think I might just be in denial... but I have little to no desire to head on 64 east towards Virginia. I would however absolutely love to have some people come my way.
2) I started writing the book again. I was sad to see where I had left off, and how what I was writing about the last time was something I have since found new sadness in. I worked my way through reading the last parts and was able to push through what it meant to me now. It felt great to start writing again, and while I did not spend a tremendous time on it yesterday, I look forward to the continuing process of wrapping up what began last year. I will finish it, I will print it, I will go to Staples and get it bound. It will be done soon.
3) My Car. I have spent a ridiculous amount of time in my car recently, I have had some fantastic conversations on my phone, but I also have used my voice only to sing along to songs that come up on shuffle on the iPod. Which by the way, Jesus still lives in the radio- and I have laughed at loud when I can recognize that and wonder why no one else is in the car to appreciate it.
4) I spent time with Emily, and I love her. Deeply and truly, she makes me laugh. And she is a mom now-- I remember her before Jude, and I remember her before being a Mrs. Sometimes that is strangely overwhelming to see how life is so completely different 7 years after we met. Yet at the same time, my life is still being figured out- I am not settled, I am not married, and I am not a mother. And I completely celebrate that in light of all the things my mind debates on a daily basis.... its just weird... but great.
5) I have been using the same bobby pin for the past four days. I stole it from Holly's house, and honestly- this bobby pin has been the best one ever. I mention all this because I love bobby pins but I hate how they stretch out.
(also, American Idol just made me cry. The last contestant's spirit paired with Fantasia's inspirational ballad... I completely just choked up: "I can see the stars across the sky- I've waited all my life for this moment to arrive, and finally... I believe". aww sappy American Idol moments, how I've missed you.)
6) I keep thinking about the sermon I heard on Sunday at Southland... which then makes me think about a sermon I heard in October about the wisdom of intimacy. Which then makes me think about decisions we make in relationships, and how I know that I struggle with wanting to understand things in my life more then I am able to let go and allow God to reveal to me things in His timing and purpose.
7) I keep praying about Art School. I think that regardless of where I end up in the next few months, I will be taking classes this fall. The big debate however is if I should stay in Virginia and move to Richmond to attend classes at VCU (I like their program). Random: I know. But not so random at the same time. Are you scratching your head on this one? It's ok... I am all over the place.
Ok, so my list still kind of "surfacey". My thoughts still very manic. I am doing well, I'm happy, and I'm not sad for any other reason then I wish my dog were with me. Questions, concerns, or comments? Have your people call my people.
No comments:
Post a Comment