Not Alone

Sunny.
Seventy Degrees.
Virginia... what up? I Love You.

A week ago I was in bed at the Michels house, trying to stay warm- then cool off from a fever that was plaguing my body, and avoiding the 4 degree bitter cold temperatures outside. I have since returned back to Virginia (yes, a little early) and have been enjoying the most beautiful day today. 

I would love to report that I found an answer I was seeking in my time away and that is why I returned home before I had originally planned. Yet, the truth of the matter is that no, I did not find an answer I was looking for. I returned home knowing that I needed only one thing, and that was truth... the truth that could only come in the form of Home. I enjoyed time talking with friends tremendously, and I appreciated the time I had to pursue what living in a different place would look like. I never ached for home with the exception of the weekend of the Flu, and I feel like I balanced all the stresses well- which was proof of growth and the good Lord at work in my heart. 

I did find other things though, things that had nothing to do with where I should live, or what I should be when I grow up. I found that I am able to be independent and dependent at the same time, and that they can compliment each other- instead of being this strange shift back and forth which has caused chaos in the past for me. I have found myself debating ideas I have about the future that are unfounded in truth, and just desire. I tackled thoughts about being proactive in areas I have been insecure and fearful of. I spent a lot of time with Jesus in the car, and some of the best conversations of my life happened when I was driving between one friends town to the other. 

I still feel lost in a lot of ways. Yet, I feel found in more. I know that I don't make sense a lot of the time, and if you ask Tex he will tell you that every day I have been home I have had a different take on the future and what I think about it. I am able to think back at conversations I have had with him that light bulbs have gone off, and then the next day I work myself into a new place second guessing what is true, not true, and what I'm supposed to do with all of the options. The truth of the matter, is that I feel a lot of pressure. I know that I put this pressure on myself and that I am in control of relieving it or increasing it. I have one eye on my future and purpose, and then the other on how that effects my bubble and everyone around me. I know that I can't see Christ if I'm looking in two different places at one time- I need to be focused on one. I have to be focused that I'm looking straight ahead and in aligning my vision with His.

The biggest thing I have continued to try and do even when its hard is be honest. Regardless of how manic that makes me appear, or how out of control it makes my emotions feel. I know that I can not do this on my own. I know that the Lord has blessed me with tremendous relationships that desire more for my personal happiness then their own, and are willing to let me go off to join the circus if that is where I truly feel called. I have any number of people I can call on a moments notice to ramble and freak out with about the latest idea or fear. Who could ask for more? Me, the girl who wants more from every situation, relationship, destination and location has somehow been able to rest in the comfort of a listening ear, knowing glances, laughter in moments to lighten the mood, and the simple knowledge that I am being carried in prayer... I am being supported in small and big ways... I am not alone. I am making changes and I am pursuing great movements. 

I am not alone. 

I know that I am partnered well with a team of people who are not going to let me drown.

I am not alone.

I know that I struggle most with exposing hurt or fear, but I am finding strength in being more authentic under pressure.

I am not alone.

I am still trying to quiet my sometimes overpowering and dominating voice so that I can recognize the whisper of the Savior. I am allowing Him to take this heart places I never would be bold enough to go on my own, and I am letting go of all the agenda's I have on when, where, and what I need to know- so that I can receive what He has intended...  much like the time I put aside in January to set up a move, the time turned into something entirely different, something divinely planned, because I was open and ready for it- I allowed Christ to do what He needed to do... which always takes me completely by surprise. 

I may not know.

I may not like that.

But I am not alone.

"Come make your peace, come find your way
Come lay your wreath at the alter of change
Don't lose your step, don't break the bones
Don't shoulder the burden out there on your own..."