Maybe I could rest beneath your smile
Maybe I could feel you right beside me til' I'm home
'Cause it's a long trip alone..."
I have written many things in my head this week, and made note of each random anecdote to write it here... but I have forgotten many of the lines, stories, and moments that I thought I should share. Instead I woke up this morning to the rain and thunder, but also an email asking me how I was doing. I have been sitting here on the couch for a few minutes trying to figure out how to respond to a simple question, and I have been trying to articulate what it is I've been thinking and feeling. So in writing my response to the email I thought, "perhaps this is what you should also write on the blog".
The best way to describe it, is that I sense a shift has been made in my heart and mind about the current status and drama of life. I went to see Mandy this week, and we spent a few days eating at our favorite establishments, playing Snood on our respective computers, watching ridiculous movies we would then be embarrassed talking to Nick about, and having meaningful conversation as the minute hand on the clock took us from night to morning. When I arrived on Tuesday I was a bucket of tears, and I sat on the couch and just cried. In the tears I found the release and vulnerability I was seeking, and in her hug I found the encouragement that I was going to be ok, and that I was in the current state more lovely and authentic than I really knew.
Leaving Mandy yesterday I drove down here to Lexington, and I was anxious because I was afraid that the emotional ground and stability I was able to find in my time with her would fade. I spent part of the afternoon talking to a new friend that I instantly related and loved over coffee, and I went to Leadership to see faces of those I wouldn't see otherwise. I left there thinking that my life, this grand life that I have been trying to work myself through, is far richer in love and friendship then I am often able to feel. I left feeling grateful, and I left realizing that I am one of those 'lucky ones' I have always wanted to be- I'm just not always aware of it.
So while this tells you small snip its of moments, and memories made this week since I last wrote, it fails to paint the picture I see in my mind when I look towards the future, who I imagine there, what I will be doing, where that future is, and how I have sensed the shift in my heart from some form of chaos and concern into someone who is processing the risks, the chances, the right and the wrong decision- and who is someone that is slowly able to sleep through the night not tormented by every last movement of her heart, hurt, dream and fear.
I have been gone a week tomorrow. I honestly feel as though its been weeks, and months since the leap to find out if there was something out here for me to move to. I miss home, but I don't ache for it. I miss my dog, but I know she's being loved well. I miss faces and places of routine, but I know that where I am is more important. While I miss friendships in Lexington, VA... I suppose the greatest moment in my heart is my life, that aside from my friends the life that ached for more, is finally in a place that I think I might take off and fly again... the shift has begun. I pray fervently its not a shift based on denial, or a clouded vision of the heart, but one that is slowly being built in by Christ to give me courage to make a decision perhaps for and influenced by others, but also for me.
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