My favorite thing about the bank this week? Lots of time to write the blog and read random ones. Best thing I read today:
"I love the 80s. More specifically, I love the teen movies of the 80s. Why, you ask? Because they were heavy on the angst and drama. I must admit, I love me some relationship drama. And sometimes, I kinda miss it.
My marriage to Hubs, while great in numerous aspects, occasionally lacks the intensity and theatrics of my previous relationships. There is arguing, yes. (I mean, we're not called The Bickersons for nothing) And there is passion, too. Admittedly, less intense than when we first started dating, but it's there. But what there isn't? THE DRAMA.
There is no boom box playing a Peter Gabriel song outside my window at 3 in the morning.
I never coveted him from afar, wishing he'd break up with his girlfriend and notice I was alive, all the while having my family forget my birthday and being annoyed by a nerd.
We never faced family and peer persecution because we were from opposite sides of town, resulting in a traumatic prom experience.
He never paid me to hang out with him and make him cool, and after the whole school found out and shunned him, I realized how much I really liked him.
We never started out as enemies, got to know each other, discovered everything we had in common, and fell in love after spending an afternoon in detention in the school library.
Bottom line is, real life isn't like that.
In real life, when you are in a good relationship, you don't break up five times, yell about how much you hate each other, sleep with your ex, and then get back together and live happily ever after.
In real life, it's not a good relationship if you have to play games and manipulate the other person into things. There comes a point where you tire of the games, of the uncertainty, of the instability.
At least, I did.
There comes a point where you just want someone to be real with you. To tell you how they feel, and where you stand with them.
And there comes a point where even a girl who thrives on the drama wants to know that no matter how bad the argument or how angry the man, he's not going anywhere.
Maybe it's not as exciting as a movie, but it's real. "
From the blogger:
http://clevergirlgoesblog.blogspot.com/
9.25.2008
Glimpse.
Today I walked towards the front of the bank and saw my reflection in the double glass doors. Honestly, I didn't recognize myself at first. It's not that I look dramatically different in the morning, or that the outfit I chose for the day is outside my normal selection... I look quite like myself: fun shoes, black trouser pants, white oxford, green cardigan, with a fun bag in tow.
What was it about the reflection that took me by surprise?
In an instant I saw myself grown up. Not the little girl with curly cue blond hair playing outside. Not the social butterfly or drama queen of my teenage years (although that has continued with me through the years). I didn't see the lost girl trying to find her way, pondering every last choice and procrastinating one to carve in stone. The reflection in the glass was that of someone who has made choices, made good ones, made bad ones, but has continued to move forward.
When we feel so lost in the open wilderness of adulthood its hard to stay focused on Christ. Even more so, we spiral out of who we are and we lose the essential core parts of our character- those things that are built into us from the Lord. It only perpetuates the cycle of feeling helpless. Instead of using those gifts in strength to carry us through to where are intended to go, and who we are intended to be-we remain stuck. Why can't we rely on truth instead of seeking answers in comfort and idols? We don't grow out of comfort. We don't change because of the influence of idols in ways that glorify Christ. These are the things that I am coming through and am finding myself on the other side of.
In addition to my own journey, I have had a friend in my life who has also been a bit lost. In trying to care for them well we had a conversation last week where I was able to put everything I thought and felt about a situation to the side, and I was just able to listen- and challenge. The roles in some ways had been reversed. I had turned to them time and time again to help steer my lost boat back to the harbor, and in many ways had allowed my reliance on Christ transfer to my friendship that is of this world- even if it is a gift from our Creator. I sensed in having the vulnerable conversation with them that I had been mistaken to allow so much emotional control to rest on the shoulders of the friendship we created. I knew it was time to get some perspective.
The amazing thing is that what I found was not that I should walk away from the friendship, or that we were wrong for caring for each other the way we were. What I found was my own ability to stand on my own two feet, and in a much more stable, cognitive, and composed self. At times when something small blows up into something much larger in not being able to communicate with someone I care about, I am then able see how much emphasis I place on the value I have that is found in my relationships, and how that is completely wrong.
We pray and we pray. We pray for our families. We pray for our friends. We pray for direction. We pray for answers. We pray for insight. We pray for change. We pray for patience. We pray to hold on. We pray to let go. We ask how we can pray for others- and sometimes I wonder if its just so we know more intimate details then one would typically offer.
I think, more then I pray. I over analyze. I over think. I ignore. I avoid. I tackle. I wrestle.
How often do I let go? How often do I give to Christ idols that I have in success, affection from others, or opportunity and allow Him to move the mountains, and the molehills? How often do I meet my mind in thought, with a spirit of prayer and complete submission?
Today in in the glass doors I saw the part of me that has returned. The part of me that is continuing to peel back the layers of doubt, the feelings of inadequacy, and is being met on the other side with value in the Lord. These moments are gifts, divinely placed... they are to be held onto when we lose sight of the purpose. That is the tricky thing about catching a reflection, or a glimpse- they are flashes, and often times pass by so fast that we chase them down to recapture the moment.
What was it about the reflection that took me by surprise?
In an instant I saw myself grown up. Not the little girl with curly cue blond hair playing outside. Not the social butterfly or drama queen of my teenage years (although that has continued with me through the years). I didn't see the lost girl trying to find her way, pondering every last choice and procrastinating one to carve in stone. The reflection in the glass was that of someone who has made choices, made good ones, made bad ones, but has continued to move forward.
When we feel so lost in the open wilderness of adulthood its hard to stay focused on Christ. Even more so, we spiral out of who we are and we lose the essential core parts of our character- those things that are built into us from the Lord. It only perpetuates the cycle of feeling helpless. Instead of using those gifts in strength to carry us through to where are intended to go, and who we are intended to be-we remain stuck. Why can't we rely on truth instead of seeking answers in comfort and idols? We don't grow out of comfort. We don't change because of the influence of idols in ways that glorify Christ. These are the things that I am coming through and am finding myself on the other side of.
In addition to my own journey, I have had a friend in my life who has also been a bit lost. In trying to care for them well we had a conversation last week where I was able to put everything I thought and felt about a situation to the side, and I was just able to listen- and challenge. The roles in some ways had been reversed. I had turned to them time and time again to help steer my lost boat back to the harbor, and in many ways had allowed my reliance on Christ transfer to my friendship that is of this world- even if it is a gift from our Creator. I sensed in having the vulnerable conversation with them that I had been mistaken to allow so much emotional control to rest on the shoulders of the friendship we created. I knew it was time to get some perspective.
The amazing thing is that what I found was not that I should walk away from the friendship, or that we were wrong for caring for each other the way we were. What I found was my own ability to stand on my own two feet, and in a much more stable, cognitive, and composed self. At times when something small blows up into something much larger in not being able to communicate with someone I care about, I am then able see how much emphasis I place on the value I have that is found in my relationships, and how that is completely wrong.
We pray and we pray. We pray for our families. We pray for our friends. We pray for direction. We pray for answers. We pray for insight. We pray for change. We pray for patience. We pray to hold on. We pray to let go. We ask how we can pray for others- and sometimes I wonder if its just so we know more intimate details then one would typically offer.
I think, more then I pray. I over analyze. I over think. I ignore. I avoid. I tackle. I wrestle.
How often do I let go? How often do I give to Christ idols that I have in success, affection from others, or opportunity and allow Him to move the mountains, and the molehills? How often do I meet my mind in thought, with a spirit of prayer and complete submission?
Today in in the glass doors I saw the part of me that has returned. The part of me that is continuing to peel back the layers of doubt, the feelings of inadequacy, and is being met on the other side with value in the Lord. These moments are gifts, divinely placed... they are to be held onto when we lose sight of the purpose. That is the tricky thing about catching a reflection, or a glimpse- they are flashes, and often times pass by so fast that we chase them down to recapture the moment.
9.24.2008
Moleskine
One thing I miss doing in travel is having the opportunity to sit somewhere relaxing and write in my Moleskine. I started one last summer when I left for California and almost completed it before Thailand. Then Matty gave me the best token of friendship ever in the "This Is Your Thailand" brand spankin new Moleskine for Christmas. I wrote it in, I glued pictures and ticket stubs inside of it... I wrote to Jesus, I wrote letters to you, and I wrote letters to myself. After I stopped going so fast I continued to use that journal and recently have seen the last page, and I have avoided it. In the gift Matt wrote that I had the last page to sum up the experience, and to finish it off on one last single piece of paper bound in the book. I have not been able to sum up everything the book means, and I find great peace in the idea no one will ever read it. I know like many letters I need to write, the one to US Airways telling them of a poor experience, or one of four other consumer related letters I have said I would write- this one page in the last Moleskine is the one I continue to find a lack of words to complete.
I started a new Moleskine this summer, and I expected that I would write it in, reflect in it, dream and pray in it much like the other two black books I poured my heart into. Instead, it stayed in my bag next the bible that I always take to church on Sundays. The newest book is not filled with thoughts of my own, and by this point should already be more then a quarter completed. Instead it has a few pages filled with the insight of those I was ministered by this summer and their thoughts I found to be worth noting. I have gone back recently to read through them and have found the things I took down to be that I should have continued to think more about, and not surprisingly written more about on my own.
So as to care and share, here are some of my favorite things written in the newest and most unused Moleskine from this summer. I like questions, and so its no surprise I wrote a lot of questions I heard:
a) "Am I going to love Jesus more than the acclaim of people I know?"
b) "How will you walk? Will you have a Faith that works?
c) Challenge: go where violence is spoken, and speak Peace there.
d) "I am not here to tell you their story. I am here to tell you, yours"
e) "The word SAVE, can mean HEAL."
f) "Community is connectivity, not activity"
g) "Will our confession be met with acceptance and love? You will never know how loved by another you are, until you know how broken you are before them."
h) Jesus didn't come for souls. He came for people.
i) When praying and not seeing answers: "Just because we don't know, doesn't mean we stop praying. God will make situation whole. We just may not see it until God makes us whole".
j) "What kind of wisdom defines us? Proof is in the heart."
k) "God does not take away hard circumstances. It's not our circumstances that grow us spiritually. God does."
l) "You can't protect yourself and trust God at the same time."
m) "Center of God's will is always the safest place to be"
I started a new Moleskine this summer, and I expected that I would write it in, reflect in it, dream and pray in it much like the other two black books I poured my heart into. Instead, it stayed in my bag next the bible that I always take to church on Sundays. The newest book is not filled with thoughts of my own, and by this point should already be more then a quarter completed. Instead it has a few pages filled with the insight of those I was ministered by this summer and their thoughts I found to be worth noting. I have gone back recently to read through them and have found the things I took down to be that I should have continued to think more about, and not surprisingly written more about on my own.
So as to care and share, here are some of my favorite things written in the newest and most unused Moleskine from this summer. I like questions, and so its no surprise I wrote a lot of questions I heard:
a) "Am I going to love Jesus more than the acclaim of people I know?"
b) "How will you walk? Will you have a Faith that works?
c) Challenge: go where violence is spoken, and speak Peace there.
d) "I am not here to tell you their story. I am here to tell you, yours"
e) "The word SAVE, can mean HEAL."
f) "Community is connectivity, not activity"
g) "Will our confession be met with acceptance and love? You will never know how loved by another you are, until you know how broken you are before them."
h) Jesus didn't come for souls. He came for people.
i) When praying and not seeing answers: "Just because we don't know, doesn't mean we stop praying. God will make situation whole. We just may not see it until God makes us whole".
j) "What kind of wisdom defines us? Proof is in the heart."
k) "God does not take away hard circumstances. It's not our circumstances that grow us spiritually. God does."
l) "You can't protect yourself and trust God at the same time."
m) "Center of God's will is always the safest place to be"
9.23.2008
Questions
I am moving right along. I feel less stuck in the open wonder of what I should do and who I should be when I grow up. I have taken what I desire for others in sincere empathy and have in small ways been able to allow myself emotional freedom and opportunity. I am trying not to grasp onto others for my stability, especially in light of the fact my closest friends are all dealing with the same thing: waiting... for something different and something similar to what I am. It's strange to be in this place with those I care about, and sometimes I just want the answers we are seeking to be found in each other because I think that would be easier.
I am trying to work through my doubt and at times social awkwardness during this time. I am fighting against the idea that removing myself and moving away would allow me to start over and fresh. I just get easily frustrated in random moments, which cause me to question, "What is broken here?"... and there isn't anything. I have gone from having hard conversations, with hard questions to help a friend along and feeling like I had purpose and intention rooted in Christ... to then feeling inadequate and unsure what to do- seeking Christ's voice and comfort to encourage me to love in spite of feeling ambigious and out of place.
So a list of things that I have been thinking about, in question form. In trying to discern what to do, how I feel, and how to mend the brokeness in my heart I have asked myself a thousand questions, searching for answers.
Who do you reach to first?
Whose voice can ease whatever turmoil rests below the surface?
Who do you fight for in prayer, and unending pursuit?
Where do you go when you are struggling? Do you go to a moving body of water? The couch of a loved one? On your knees in front of the Savior?
At what cost do you continue to love, even if its hurtful?
What do you do, when there's nothing you can do?
When do you know when to speak, when you just want to be silent?
When do you know when to remain silent, when you just want to speak?
Who pulls you back into the Darkness of yourself and leaves you there?
Who pulls you back into the Light?
How easily do you allow yourself to fall backwards, trusting your back will be met with stronger hands?
When we say, "the lucky ones", who are we really talking about?
If we could have one beverage for the rest of our lives not including water, which would we pick? (I just had to throw that in there).
When we say we have dreams, what about them requires that they always live in the hypothetical state?
How do we let go and move on when our heart is pleading that we continue to attach?
How do you let others love you when you don't know what you need?
When do you forget everything you are doubting and questioning, and just find release in a hug from the right person?
Will the timing ever be right?
When do you wait for someone to understand what you do, and how do you know when they are waiting for you the same way?
When single how do you make better choices as to protect the relationship you will be in, and for the spouse you will share your life with, as to guard that union when there are so many wrong ways to turn?
Lots of questions. The answer that is real, and louder then all the others comes in the form of my current favorite song. I know that I reach at times for everything and everyone else before I reach for Christ. Will you be patient and wait with and for me as I continue to explore everything mentioned above? As I seek Christ, will you pray for me as I try to hear Him more then I hear myself?
"When the weight of the world
Breaks down so strong it
Leaves footprints on the street
And there's too many miles to face
Without a few more hours sleep
The storm clouds overhead won't shed
Any rain to quench your thirst
I wanna be the one you reach for first
When your faith is stretched so thin
That you can see right through your soul
And you can't find a nickel to buy a smile cuz all your pockets all got holes
You wanna shut the door and
Hide before the day can get much worse
I wanna be the one you reach for first
I wanna be the bottle you've been drinkin with your eyes
Or the road you run away on
You've been runnin all your life
The third row pew that you last knew
As a child in church
I wanna be the one you reach for first
Before you turn the key
Before you fall asleep
Before you drift away
To find some demons waiting for you
In your dreams
Before your arms stretched wide open
Before you're reaching for the sky
Before you're searching for direction
And all the answers till you fall
Fall into me
My arms are stretched opened wide
You don't have to say a word
Cuz I already see
That its hard
And you're scared
And you're tired
And it hurts
And I wanna be the one you reach for first"
I am trying to work through my doubt and at times social awkwardness during this time. I am fighting against the idea that removing myself and moving away would allow me to start over and fresh. I just get easily frustrated in random moments, which cause me to question, "What is broken here?"... and there isn't anything. I have gone from having hard conversations, with hard questions to help a friend along and feeling like I had purpose and intention rooted in Christ... to then feeling inadequate and unsure what to do- seeking Christ's voice and comfort to encourage me to love in spite of feeling ambigious and out of place.
So a list of things that I have been thinking about, in question form. In trying to discern what to do, how I feel, and how to mend the brokeness in my heart I have asked myself a thousand questions, searching for answers.
Who do you reach to first?
Whose voice can ease whatever turmoil rests below the surface?
Who do you fight for in prayer, and unending pursuit?
Where do you go when you are struggling? Do you go to a moving body of water? The couch of a loved one? On your knees in front of the Savior?
At what cost do you continue to love, even if its hurtful?
What do you do, when there's nothing you can do?
When do you know when to speak, when you just want to be silent?
When do you know when to remain silent, when you just want to speak?
Who pulls you back into the Darkness of yourself and leaves you there?
Who pulls you back into the Light?
How easily do you allow yourself to fall backwards, trusting your back will be met with stronger hands?
When we say, "the lucky ones", who are we really talking about?
If we could have one beverage for the rest of our lives not including water, which would we pick? (I just had to throw that in there).
When we say we have dreams, what about them requires that they always live in the hypothetical state?
How do we let go and move on when our heart is pleading that we continue to attach?
How do you let others love you when you don't know what you need?
When do you forget everything you are doubting and questioning, and just find release in a hug from the right person?
Will the timing ever be right?
When do you wait for someone to understand what you do, and how do you know when they are waiting for you the same way?
When single how do you make better choices as to protect the relationship you will be in, and for the spouse you will share your life with, as to guard that union when there are so many wrong ways to turn?
Lots of questions. The answer that is real, and louder then all the others comes in the form of my current favorite song. I know that I reach at times for everything and everyone else before I reach for Christ. Will you be patient and wait with and for me as I continue to explore everything mentioned above? As I seek Christ, will you pray for me as I try to hear Him more then I hear myself?
"When the weight of the world
Breaks down so strong it
Leaves footprints on the street
And there's too many miles to face
Without a few more hours sleep
The storm clouds overhead won't shed
Any rain to quench your thirst
I wanna be the one you reach for first
When your faith is stretched so thin
That you can see right through your soul
And you can't find a nickel to buy a smile cuz all your pockets all got holes
You wanna shut the door and
Hide before the day can get much worse
I wanna be the one you reach for first
I wanna be the bottle you've been drinkin with your eyes
Or the road you run away on
You've been runnin all your life
The third row pew that you last knew
As a child in church
I wanna be the one you reach for first
Before you turn the key
Before you fall asleep
Before you drift away
To find some demons waiting for you
In your dreams
Before your arms stretched wide open
Before you're reaching for the sky
Before you're searching for direction
And all the answers till you fall
Fall into me
My arms are stretched opened wide
You don't have to say a word
Cuz I already see
That its hard
And you're scared
And you're tired
And it hurts
And I wanna be the one you reach for first"
9.19.2008
Not All Things Are Lost
You are not seeing double. There are two rings. The one I lost, has been found. Where was it? I can't say for certain where it was before, but I found it on the ground on the side of my bed. Not somewhere hidden, or somewhere it has been the entire time it has been gone. It was like someone discovered it, and didn't want to tell me that they found it, and placed it in the most random open air location, so that there would be no way that I missed it.
I just spent a good portion of my day with Jamie, and doing one of my favorite things ever. Talking at the Waffle House over breakfast, and drinking Diet Coke. What matters not is the food. But for some reason some of the best conversations I have ever had have taken place there. Today was no exception, and I heard things from the perfect person to hear them. His perfect insight and direction for this lost girl is contained in 8 words.
"Pursue Truth,
Question your motivations,
Trust your instincts"
In those three things I know rests the action and decisions that I am in the process of making. I keep waiting for changes to happen, I keep allowing situations to hurt me, and I am manic about where I should live and what I should do. The reality is, I have to do more. Most of all, I need to be honest with what motivates me, even if I don't like the answer. My choices must be based not on fear, but that of Godly instinct rooted in wisdom.
I feel lost in more moments than I have felt found in the past few weeks. I have misplaced countless things this summer, and I have now found most of them. Today I found a ring that I've been missing for quite some time, and I have been so frustrated at myself for not knowing where it had gone. It was on the floor, just waiting... just waiting for me to walk in and look down. I have asked Gracie if she put it there, or if she saw who placed it in plain sight. She looked up at me and gave me the "I don't know what you are talking about, but I love you" puppy dog eyes, and my heart melted.
Not all things are lost... its time to start looking in the right places... the plain as day, written on the wall, deeply planted in the heart- under distractions of purpose, the future, what could and the what if's.
The Truth is there.
The Truth is not lost.
9.17.2008
Hallmark Moment
Hallmark moment, even though the card wasn't one from their collection. After an afternoon hanging out, and grabbing dinner in town I returned home from the Boys House. I pulled up to my mailbox and opened an envelope that I could not place the handwriting from. In it I read, "Ever Notice What The Hell Is Always The Right Answer". A few things, 1) I love cards. I love love love them. I love sending them to everyone. 2) I love cards. I love love love them, and I love to receive them from everyone even more. I read the card and appreciated the friendship tucked inside from such an important friend in my life. What I felt most apropos was the actual message of the card...
Yesterday I applied for 7 different jobs with Tiffany & Co. The positions range in tasks, and locations. I can't say for certain how I feel about any of them, but I felt it was time to take one of my day dreams, one of my "what if's" and see if anything more fruitful would grow. Last week I thought about it, and talked about it, and resolved that no I wasn't going to do it. I heard great wisdom about finally pursuing my pictures, now that there is room in my house to spread out and work from home with my art. The voice was clear, the voice was truthful. I responded to it with "yes, you are right, I shouldn't entertain the fears and pursue things I don't know if I really want."
What changed? Why did I apply in spite of the wisdom I heard?
At first I thought it was fear, and impatience. Neither of those are motivators that I should allow to seap into my common sense or thought about my future. Truth is, I have talked about possibly working for Tiffany's for a long time. I know that I would enjoy it. But I will be honest, I can't say that I would love it. I can't say that if offered a position, if it is one that I would take. What I can say is, "sometimes what the Hell is the right answer". Once I filled out my online profile, and copied my resume into their browser, I just kept clicking away. I did not pause to think about how I would react to receiving a phone call. I did not apply for a job that I wasn't qualified, or what I would consider "reaches".
Friends. I think part of me applied just to see if I would get it. I thought perhaps in having something tangible to consider I would know what I was supposed to do. If I don't get the job, then I would know that I'm supposed to stay. I know that I can't barter my future, and I can't gamble the options.
In addition, I have entertained the idea of going abroad for an extended amount of time. Either short term, or long term. I have been praying about whether that would be good for my heart, if I could handle it, and if its the right choice. I have asked those that would aide the process in handling my responsibilities here, and I have not shared the idea with many. I have not resolved my heart with the answer 'no' in regards to that decision.
I know that either way, the love contained in the card I opened last night when I returned home from the day will continue regardless of where I am, and what I am doing. I also know that our friendship will change, and it will grow into something different in distance, and that will be hard. I would never choose for that friendship to end in any context, but I know that if I leave it will in some ways- and while for the best reasons and intentions, it would still be hard. And that is just regards to one friendship. What about the other one? What about the others? How would leaving them behind really be? I know that we can't predict the future, and we don't know what will come later... but how do you make choices with integrity in the present, trusting God to safeguard your heart, as to not micromanage the future? I think if given the opportunity with one of the 7 jobs I applied for, I would freak out and be confused... but that I would take it. I could be wrong. But unless I meet a strapping young man in Lexington, Virginia to sweep me off my feet to keep me planted... why not go?
Stay. I know that I will never hear that from those who love me here. I know that their hearts will think it, and they will try to say it... but that it will never be heard. I don't need to hear it to know its true, and I don't resent the meaning of it in silence.
I am fortunate beyond my own understanding. I know that I am living a life many envy and desire. I would like to mention that the grass isn't greener on this side. But, to be in my 20's, and have the world as my oyster I realize the greatest wealth is found in the freedom. Then why am I so impatient in the freedom to wait? Perhaps it is because my dreams continue to vary to the extent they do, and because I know that the greatest dream deeply planted in my heart is not one that I can move to, or coordinate. I simply wait on the Lord.
Do I stay? Or do I go?
Sometimes... what the hell is the right answer, and sometimes it isn't.
Yesterday I applied for 7 different jobs with Tiffany & Co. The positions range in tasks, and locations. I can't say for certain how I feel about any of them, but I felt it was time to take one of my day dreams, one of my "what if's" and see if anything more fruitful would grow. Last week I thought about it, and talked about it, and resolved that no I wasn't going to do it. I heard great wisdom about finally pursuing my pictures, now that there is room in my house to spread out and work from home with my art. The voice was clear, the voice was truthful. I responded to it with "yes, you are right, I shouldn't entertain the fears and pursue things I don't know if I really want."
What changed? Why did I apply in spite of the wisdom I heard?
At first I thought it was fear, and impatience. Neither of those are motivators that I should allow to seap into my common sense or thought about my future. Truth is, I have talked about possibly working for Tiffany's for a long time. I know that I would enjoy it. But I will be honest, I can't say that I would love it. I can't say that if offered a position, if it is one that I would take. What I can say is, "sometimes what the Hell is the right answer". Once I filled out my online profile, and copied my resume into their browser, I just kept clicking away. I did not pause to think about how I would react to receiving a phone call. I did not apply for a job that I wasn't qualified, or what I would consider "reaches".
Friends. I think part of me applied just to see if I would get it. I thought perhaps in having something tangible to consider I would know what I was supposed to do. If I don't get the job, then I would know that I'm supposed to stay. I know that I can't barter my future, and I can't gamble the options.
In addition, I have entertained the idea of going abroad for an extended amount of time. Either short term, or long term. I have been praying about whether that would be good for my heart, if I could handle it, and if its the right choice. I have asked those that would aide the process in handling my responsibilities here, and I have not shared the idea with many. I have not resolved my heart with the answer 'no' in regards to that decision.
I know that either way, the love contained in the card I opened last night when I returned home from the day will continue regardless of where I am, and what I am doing. I also know that our friendship will change, and it will grow into something different in distance, and that will be hard. I would never choose for that friendship to end in any context, but I know that if I leave it will in some ways- and while for the best reasons and intentions, it would still be hard. And that is just regards to one friendship. What about the other one? What about the others? How would leaving them behind really be? I know that we can't predict the future, and we don't know what will come later... but how do you make choices with integrity in the present, trusting God to safeguard your heart, as to not micromanage the future? I think if given the opportunity with one of the 7 jobs I applied for, I would freak out and be confused... but that I would take it. I could be wrong. But unless I meet a strapping young man in Lexington, Virginia to sweep me off my feet to keep me planted... why not go?
Stay. I know that I will never hear that from those who love me here. I know that their hearts will think it, and they will try to say it... but that it will never be heard. I don't need to hear it to know its true, and I don't resent the meaning of it in silence.
I am fortunate beyond my own understanding. I know that I am living a life many envy and desire. I would like to mention that the grass isn't greener on this side. But, to be in my 20's, and have the world as my oyster I realize the greatest wealth is found in the freedom. Then why am I so impatient in the freedom to wait? Perhaps it is because my dreams continue to vary to the extent they do, and because I know that the greatest dream deeply planted in my heart is not one that I can move to, or coordinate. I simply wait on the Lord.
Do I stay? Or do I go?
Sometimes... what the hell is the right answer, and sometimes it isn't.
9.14.2008
Long December
"I keep trying to tell myself to hold onto these moments as they pass"
Counting Crows
Last week I didn't slow down. I barely had time to breathe, and when I did take a moment it was usually followed by tears. The tears were brought on either by a song, Oprah, a friend, a situation, or just a moment of quiet among all the noises. Every single night last week I had something scheduled... every single night. And that trend will continue until Wednesday of this week. The hard part about that is not the scheduled events, its the "winding up", and then the inability to calm myself down and go at a slower pace when the time comes to rest. I opt out of resting. Instead, I fill in the gaps in time with things of little importance or significance, just so that I have something to do. It's dumb.
I still continue to be thankful that in a moment or action I can surprise even my closest friends in good ways. I continue to work through choices that I don't want to avoid. It's all going to come down to one thing, do I trust God more then I feed into fear?
Sand held in our hands while squeezing, only falls through our fingers more rapidly. I don't want to hold on so tightly to possibility that I am unable to remain attached and focused on what is true. This feeling of a dry well, or not being able to be patient in the area it matters most continues, and makes this season of life feel like a long December. I am trying to let go. I am trying to hold on. And yet, the voice in my heart continues to say that these moments are going to go, this sand is going to fall, Kari, hold onto them as they pass.
I paused and had some moments this past week that only resulted in my complete exasperation of not knowing what the future held, and what to do with my life. I was able to put myself back together again, much to do with the influence of a friend whom asked some challenging questions on Friday morning while we ate breakfast.
Despite the pace and uncertainty... life continues. I have been on either side of the fence about decisions I need to be making, jobs I could be applying for, and if the way I am living my life right now is good enough.
I still continue to be thankful that in a moment or action I can surprise even my closest friends in good ways. I continue to work through choices that I don't want to avoid. It's all going to come down to one thing, do I trust God more then I feed into fear?
Sand held in our hands while squeezing, only falls through our fingers more rapidly. I don't want to hold on so tightly to possibility that I am unable to remain attached and focused on what is true. This feeling of a dry well, or not being able to be patient in the area it matters most continues, and makes this season of life feel like a long December. I am trying to let go. I am trying to hold on. And yet, the voice in my heart continues to say that these moments are going to go, this sand is going to fall, Kari, hold onto them as they pass.
9.11.2008
28 Years.
Since I have been at work today, I have successfully purchased a new down vest in Kelly green online, read the news, and stared out the window. Of more emotional significance I just had a ten minute conversation with one of my favorite Fairfield clients about his ex wife, whom he was married to for 28 years. I asked how many of those years were good ones, he said 18. I followed up by asking "were the good ones in the beginning or the end?", fully anticipating that the first 18 were the good ones. Instead, he replied, "the last 18 were the best".
I sat perplexed listening to him talk about how they all weren't the best they could have been, but that the relationship had matured into something he felt more comfortable with. He said he was surprised when she left him, and that for a long while he would have done anything to have her back. He has since moved on, and has been in a different relationship for eleven months. The ex wife? Regrets her choice, and is waiting... waiting for him to realize that their 28 years was more then he could create with someone new.
I like this client. He always makes me laugh, he is a seemingly hard working man, didn't want to give up, and believes in the choices that we make that summon us to be better people despite the ways in which we may hurt because of them.
I am in a sea of choices. I am in a place full of every possibility that is open, and I am trying to protect myself from being hurt by making the wrong one for the wrong reason. I wonder more, if I could forgive myself for pursuing a dream that took me down the wrong path, or if it really doesn't matter which way I go.
We can justify to ourselves a thousand times why we are waiting for someone or something to change. When we have passed what is practical waiting, and into the interminable time of impatience we can argue forwards and backwards why we are doing what we are doing. When dealing with a friendship in peril, we don't call them because we are waiting for them to call and reach out to us. When our family is being difficult, we wait for the dynamic to pass over before tackling it and resolving it. When we love someone that continually hurts us, we wait for them to change. And the all too familiar classic example: when we want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with us, we wait for them to realize what we think we know with certainty.
An area I struggle with is waiting... waiting for Me. I don't want to wait for the future and I don't want to wait for what is coming. For some reason I think knowing what is going to happen will ease this insatiable desire to wait, but I know that instead I will be an accelerator of emotion and control. I wait for the calling to be louder and more concise. I wait for love. I sometimes feel like the things that I seek are waiting on me to change. I sometimes talk myself in circles about what those things or people could be.
The man I spoke with today was married to his wife longer then I have been alive. Their promise of forever is broken, and who they became because of the time they spent together, and now since their relationships demise is continuing to be molded by the choices they made together... she is waiting on him, he is not waiting for her. In my 27 years I wonder how many times I ran so hard away from what was just supposed to be a time of prescense and stillness.
How do you know if you are supposed to be one place or another? How do you really know? Do you just jump and make choices when you are flying in the air, hoping you land on your two feet? In the past I've had clear direction, and Christ like assertion... and then there are other times when I felt more blind and scared. I have survived both situations. I sense the Saviors touch, and wisdom through friends that I have been open with about the struggle. I know that His purpose is real. I am thankful that I can see it and feel it in moments my eyes are wide open, and my heart is vulnerable.
While in this place, and in my life, I seek for a hand to be found in mine, and a voice that says, "Kari, I will wait with you. I will help you, wait for you. It will be worth it."
I sat perplexed listening to him talk about how they all weren't the best they could have been, but that the relationship had matured into something he felt more comfortable with. He said he was surprised when she left him, and that for a long while he would have done anything to have her back. He has since moved on, and has been in a different relationship for eleven months. The ex wife? Regrets her choice, and is waiting... waiting for him to realize that their 28 years was more then he could create with someone new.
I like this client. He always makes me laugh, he is a seemingly hard working man, didn't want to give up, and believes in the choices that we make that summon us to be better people despite the ways in which we may hurt because of them.
I am in a sea of choices. I am in a place full of every possibility that is open, and I am trying to protect myself from being hurt by making the wrong one for the wrong reason. I wonder more, if I could forgive myself for pursuing a dream that took me down the wrong path, or if it really doesn't matter which way I go.
We can justify to ourselves a thousand times why we are waiting for someone or something to change. When we have passed what is practical waiting, and into the interminable time of impatience we can argue forwards and backwards why we are doing what we are doing. When dealing with a friendship in peril, we don't call them because we are waiting for them to call and reach out to us. When our family is being difficult, we wait for the dynamic to pass over before tackling it and resolving it. When we love someone that continually hurts us, we wait for them to change. And the all too familiar classic example: when we want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with us, we wait for them to realize what we think we know with certainty.
An area I struggle with is waiting... waiting for Me. I don't want to wait for the future and I don't want to wait for what is coming. For some reason I think knowing what is going to happen will ease this insatiable desire to wait, but I know that instead I will be an accelerator of emotion and control. I wait for the calling to be louder and more concise. I wait for love. I sometimes feel like the things that I seek are waiting on me to change. I sometimes talk myself in circles about what those things or people could be.
The man I spoke with today was married to his wife longer then I have been alive. Their promise of forever is broken, and who they became because of the time they spent together, and now since their relationships demise is continuing to be molded by the choices they made together... she is waiting on him, he is not waiting for her. In my 27 years I wonder how many times I ran so hard away from what was just supposed to be a time of prescense and stillness.
How do you know if you are supposed to be one place or another? How do you really know? Do you just jump and make choices when you are flying in the air, hoping you land on your two feet? In the past I've had clear direction, and Christ like assertion... and then there are other times when I felt more blind and scared. I have survived both situations. I sense the Saviors touch, and wisdom through friends that I have been open with about the struggle. I know that His purpose is real. I am thankful that I can see it and feel it in moments my eyes are wide open, and my heart is vulnerable.
While in this place, and in my life, I seek for a hand to be found in mine, and a voice that says, "Kari, I will wait with you. I will help you, wait for you. It will be worth it."
9.09.2008
The Well Feels Empty
The Well Feels Empty.
I know that this is not exactly true. I know that I feel nurtured and encouraged. But there have been times in the past few weeks that I have felt dry, sad, over stimulated, and just plain old tired. Perhaps it is the "end of summer bug". You know the one, you relax into the warmer weather, and the more carefree schedule and then plummet back into responsibility, commitments, appointments, agenda's, and purposes. School begins with the buses, and all those things that took a short summer recess are back.
The manic pace I kept in August was full of great things, and as I look back on visitors, girl trips, wedding joys, and wedding fiasco's, I am so thankful that I felt so surrounded in friendship. It seemed unusual at the time to be operating in a euphoric state of love and appreciation. I knew that I was on a mountain top. I knew that real life is in the Valley, and that I would be making my way back down there again.
I went to Bible Study last night and felt encouraged seeing ladies there that I had met in the Early Spring, and was still forming relationships with when I started by job at the Bank and then was a little too busy to commit. I left looking forward to the fall and learning about the Life of Moses. Yet, in a split of a mood, I was dreading having something on my calender that I would HAVE to do. A commitment that I would have to abide by. Even though the rewards of the work are beneficial, I just prayed that the Lord would silence the cynicism I was sensing move toward the surface.
I was told recently by my beloved girls in Kentucky after they learned a little more about my passions, that I was one "that walked in the Light". I didn't understand the definition of this attribute immediately. However, through the course of the days we spent together, I listened to them point out things that I had a natural skill and sense of... things that seemed completely normal to me in my every day life, that were actually not quite so ordinary... the Lord has blessed me immensely with gifts that I have too long taken for granted, or not quite believed in enough.
As I work towards not feeling the drought so much, in what is just a transitional time, I seek to find refreshment in understanding what direction I should be moving in with those parts of my heart that have been referred to having been of "the light". The well feels empty. It isn't. I know that I am just trying to get my bearings down here in the Valley, and that the next mountain peak experience is just around the corner. I could spend endless hours a day trying to figure out when, or guess what it will contain... but I know that those are just idle distractions from what I could be learning in the right now. Patience. Pursuit. Submission. The three things I continue to struggle with time and time again, perhaps now in this particular place and after the experiences I had in August I will sense the water change from the slow piddly stream into an all encompassing wave and current.
It feels empty. But because of Christ, I can see that it is not.
I know that this is not exactly true. I know that I feel nurtured and encouraged. But there have been times in the past few weeks that I have felt dry, sad, over stimulated, and just plain old tired. Perhaps it is the "end of summer bug". You know the one, you relax into the warmer weather, and the more carefree schedule and then plummet back into responsibility, commitments, appointments, agenda's, and purposes. School begins with the buses, and all those things that took a short summer recess are back.
The manic pace I kept in August was full of great things, and as I look back on visitors, girl trips, wedding joys, and wedding fiasco's, I am so thankful that I felt so surrounded in friendship. It seemed unusual at the time to be operating in a euphoric state of love and appreciation. I knew that I was on a mountain top. I knew that real life is in the Valley, and that I would be making my way back down there again.
I went to Bible Study last night and felt encouraged seeing ladies there that I had met in the Early Spring, and was still forming relationships with when I started by job at the Bank and then was a little too busy to commit. I left looking forward to the fall and learning about the Life of Moses. Yet, in a split of a mood, I was dreading having something on my calender that I would HAVE to do. A commitment that I would have to abide by. Even though the rewards of the work are beneficial, I just prayed that the Lord would silence the cynicism I was sensing move toward the surface.
I was told recently by my beloved girls in Kentucky after they learned a little more about my passions, that I was one "that walked in the Light". I didn't understand the definition of this attribute immediately. However, through the course of the days we spent together, I listened to them point out things that I had a natural skill and sense of... things that seemed completely normal to me in my every day life, that were actually not quite so ordinary... the Lord has blessed me immensely with gifts that I have too long taken for granted, or not quite believed in enough.
As I work towards not feeling the drought so much, in what is just a transitional time, I seek to find refreshment in understanding what direction I should be moving in with those parts of my heart that have been referred to having been of "the light". The well feels empty. It isn't. I know that I am just trying to get my bearings down here in the Valley, and that the next mountain peak experience is just around the corner. I could spend endless hours a day trying to figure out when, or guess what it will contain... but I know that those are just idle distractions from what I could be learning in the right now. Patience. Pursuit. Submission. The three things I continue to struggle with time and time again, perhaps now in this particular place and after the experiences I had in August I will sense the water change from the slow piddly stream into an all encompassing wave and current.
It feels empty. But because of Christ, I can see that it is not.
9.08.2008
The House Sits
After two and a half years, and four roommates later, the house sits empty. Each have gone off to do great things, and be in great places. One is now married, one is in town, and one is moving back to be with the loves of her life.
The house now sits quiet. I am sitting on the couch watching a tivo'd concert on TV, Gracie is sleeping in her 'new room', she had adopted the guest room as her own. This morning Mandy rolled out at 7am after watching The Hills to wake her up before the drive. I was exhausted, and gave her a hug, and watched her go. Not a tear was dropped between us, but when I did return to the warmth of my bed and snuggling with Gracie my heart hurt.
The journey of this house has been such a reflection of my own personal growth since my name went on the papers to make me financially responsible. I think of the many conversations that took place standing in the bathroom, sitting on the couch, relaxing on the deck... or just sitting on the floor in each other's rooms. The furniture has been moved a dozen times, and the flow of people continued on a regular pace. The dinners. The laughs. The tears... there were surely many tears that flowed. Mandy shared with me her vision of the legacy of this house at Jen's wedding, and when I think of the love she conveyed in her point of view, I realized that my greatest prayer and desire was answered... that this house would be more then four walls. It would be a place to bring hearts to life, and where Christ would be glorified.
I am thankful that I have this place and that the fridge is covered with photos of those that I love. The time spent with the girls has been an amazing journey and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. And while I know that I am thrilled that I am in the house solo now, I can't help but wonder for how long. My heart continues to feel that I am supposed to be here right now. I was asked recently, "So anywhere specifically that you feel you might go?". I said No. I was almost angry at the question. I almost smacked the person who asked me. They of course had no idea my violent internal reaction. It is almost comical now as I reflect on the past, and how it will continue to shape my vision of the future.
The House sits quiet. But it won't remain that way for long. There will be guests, dinners, and friends to play with. My heart hurts because Mandy is gone. Although, I feel much like an older sister who worked with her in prayer through this entire year to get her through it, and enjoy the highs and lows. Watching her drive away this morning I knew that my job was done. We had the year to celebrate friendship, and honesty. In some ways I could let go worrying for her, and for that my heart was still and peaceful.
9.05.2008
Bring It Home To Me
"I know your heart can get all tangled up inside
But don't keep it to yourself...
When your long day is over
And you can barely drag your feet
The weight of the world
Is on your shoulders
I know what you need
Bring it on home to me"
I have experienced the most amazing gestures of love in my life recently. I have had friends ask me hard questions because they want to help me grow. I have had friends say bold conclusive statements, so that I can find peace in the right now. I have had friends pour into me encouragement to seek the creative life I so desire. I have also had the opportunity to love. I have had the opportunity to love people that are like me, different then me, and those whose hearts are woven tightly in mine.
And you can barely drag your feet
The weight of the world
Is on your shoulders
I know what you need
Bring it on home to me"
I have experienced the most amazing gestures of love in my life recently. I have had friends ask me hard questions because they want to help me grow. I have had friends say bold conclusive statements, so that I can find peace in the right now. I have had friends pour into me encouragement to seek the creative life I so desire. I have also had the opportunity to love. I have had the opportunity to love people that are like me, different then me, and those whose hearts are woven tightly in mine.
I have a sense of emotional home in my life right now that I have sought for months. I have a place to bring all that I am and people who love me well to accept whatever place I happen to be. I suppose the greater joy is not in the relinquishing of burdens to those who love me well, it is in the ability to return with objectivity, compassion, and integrity. I still struggle with control, and I still struggle with accepting Love as easily as I give it. I am still learning. I am unfinished. I am enveloped by those who create a safe place for me, and who know what I need.
For that, I am blessed beyond measure.
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