Glimpse.

Today I walked towards the front of the bank and saw my reflection in the double glass doors. Honestly, I didn't recognize myself at first. It's not that I look dramatically different in the morning, or that the outfit I chose for the day is outside my normal selection... I look quite like myself: fun shoes, black trouser pants, white oxford, green cardigan, with a fun bag in tow.

What was it about the reflection that took me by surprise?

In an instant I saw myself grown up. Not the little girl with curly cue blond hair playing outside. Not the social butterfly or drama queen of my teenage years (although that has continued with me through the years). I didn't see the lost girl trying to find her way, pondering every last choice and procrastinating one to carve in stone. The reflection in the glass was that of someone who has made choices, made good ones, made bad ones, but has continued to move forward.

When we feel so lost in the open wilderness of adulthood its hard to stay focused on Christ. Even more so, we spiral out of who we are and we lose the essential core parts of our character- those things that are built into us from the Lord. It only perpetuates the cycle of feeling helpless. Instead of using those gifts in strength to carry us through to where are intended to go, and who we are intended to be-we remain stuck. Why can't we rely on truth instead of seeking answers in comfort and idols? We don't grow out of comfort. We don't change because of the influence of idols in ways that glorify Christ. These are the things that I am coming through and am finding myself on the other side of.

In addition to my own journey, I have had a friend in my life who has also been a bit lost. In trying to care for them well we had a conversation last week where I was able to put everything I thought and felt about a situation to the side, and I was just able to listen- and challenge. The roles in some ways had been reversed. I had turned to them time and time again to help steer my lost boat back to the harbor, and in many ways had allowed my reliance on Christ transfer to my friendship that is of this world- even if it is a gift from our Creator. I sensed in having the vulnerable conversation with them that I had been mistaken to allow so much emotional control to rest on the shoulders of the friendship we created. I knew it was time to get some perspective.

The amazing thing is that what I found was not that I should walk away from the friendship, or that we were wrong for caring for each other the way we were. What I found was my own ability to stand on my own two feet, and in a much more stable, cognitive, and composed self. At times when something small blows up into something much larger in not being able to communicate with someone I care about, I am then able see how much emphasis I place on the value I have that is found in my relationships, and how that is completely wrong.

We pray and we pray. We pray for our families. We pray for our friends. We pray for direction. We pray for answers. We pray for insight. We pray for change. We pray for patience. We pray to hold on. We pray to let go. We ask how we can pray for others- and sometimes I wonder if its just so we know more intimate details then one would typically offer.

I think, more then I pray. I over analyze. I over think. I ignore. I avoid. I tackle. I wrestle.

How often do I let go? How often do I give to Christ idols that I have in success, affection from others, or opportunity and allow Him to move the mountains, and the molehills? How often do I meet my mind in thought, with a spirit of prayer and complete submission?

Today in in the glass doors I saw the part of me that has returned. The part of me that is continuing to peel back the layers of doubt, the feelings of inadequacy, and is being met on the other side with value in the Lord. These moments are gifts, divinely placed... they are to be held onto when we lose sight of the purpose. That is the tricky thing about catching a reflection, or a glimpse- they are flashes, and often times pass by so fast that we chase them down to recapture the moment.