My Rant On Men and Women

I have written about insecurity issues before on the blog, and I have talked a bit about how easy it is so absorb the insecurities of those around you by simple osmosis. I imagine being a Man is not easy. The pressures and insecurities that rest in "having" to be the financial provider in a marriage, the spiritual leader for the household, to be the pursuer in a relationship, to be masculine, and strong... without tears, without complaining. Some of my best guy friends in my entire life have been men of the Lord that have been able to be open in their tears, frustrations, have allowed the complaining to seep out of their minds and turn into something much more fruitful and productive. I have amazing examples of Christ in my life largely in part of the friendships I have had with His Son's seeking their Father. All that to say. I know that being a man is not easy. I cannot walk a mile in their shoes, and not just because I have a size 6 1/2 foot. If given the opportunity I would gladly take a moment, an hour at most of completely understanding what its like to be them. 

However, the stress and strain in being a woman is ridiculous. I have often wanted to shake modern culture to change the messages they speak about how we are expected to dress, act, look, behave, think, or believe. I have struggled with friends through their eating disorders, sexual purity issues, and how to silence the voices that are speaking nothing but lies about their worth and value. I have been one of them, at points all at once, and at other periods just dealing with one enormous lie at a time.

I have found more frustration in the ignorance and with the insecurity. I know that I'm not this model beauty queen... but I also know that I'm a daughter of Christ... I have been made in His image. The kind of person I am is not defined by my height or weight, and while I have my struggles about not being the ideal in either of those categories, I'm thankful that my heart is filled with pure and acceptance for who I am, the content of my heart, the ability to wear said heart on sleeve for Christ and love His people... all of them. The ones that feel like choices I make are wrong, those that discourage me, or make me feel inadequate- to the ones that tell me I'm beautiful when I'm barely put together, or that I have a value greater then that the world assigns. I am called to love both sets of completely varying people.

Where is all of this coming from? Well below contains one of the many reasons I love the singer/songwriter/YL friend Justin McRoberts. I think he is funny and insightful and I just all around think we'd be friends if we lived in the same town. Below is a post he put on his website and I read it, and thought "yeah, I completely agree"... but more then that I wish that there were more men of the Lord who saw women in that way. Not to knock my fantastic non-boyfriend boyfriends, they are some of the best people I've ever met... maybe it is because of the boundaries in our relationships, maybe it is just the age we're in... I don't know, but we just don't talk about these issues. This point of view also made my heart sad for the many girls I know that buy into the images of culture about how they look, what their worth is, how that is confined to what others can take from them, etc... Justin makes a strong statement about the power behind a woman who chooses to wear something that is counterproductive to how we, as women really want to be viewed and treated. Anyway, I liked his point of view quite a bit, so I hope you read it too:

"THE TSHIRT GIRL

I’ve never understood how any self-respecting woman can eat at Hooter’s. I know, I know, Hooters has great wings. Whatever. I’m sure that’s exactly why men go to these places, since it couldn’t have anything to do with what their waitresses wear, or more to the point, what they don’t wear. Great wings. Hooter’s is a restaurant chain named after a derogatory, sexually perverted reference to breasts. So I just don’t get it when I see women walking out of a Hooter’s.
Maybe I’m expecting something unfair from the female populace that I wouldn’t expect from the masculine. I suppose I fall in among the rest of our culture when I expect men to be more crude and unthinking; to embrace and even revel in the profane. But when it comes to women, I’d always figured they knew better and were more sensible/sensitive. Maybe I’m wrong, or maybe that’s changing.

A few weeks back, I ran into a girl wearing a shirt that bore the word “Hustler” on it. For those who are unfamiliar with the product, Hustler is a pornographic magazine that has been in circulation since the 1970s. Most of the time, slogans on shirts go right past me, but on this day, I had an almost immediate and definitely negative reaction.

I found myself somewhat shocked and feeling suddenly angry. In my shock I spilled coffee on myself. (To be completely honest, I’m pretty sure I would have spilled my coffee anyway, but for the sake building drama into the re-telling of this story, let’s pretend it was due to my reaction to this girl’s shirt.) In my anger I wanted to pull her aside to tell her “You are part of the problem with our culture, sexually speaking. Women like you are told that your value lies in your physical ‘beauty’; then told that you are worthless unless some male finds you sexually appealing and by wearing that stupid shirt, you are saying ‘Okay, (giggle) that’s neat!’”

I also wanted to say “In that shirt, your are announcing to the world ‘Yes, I know that men see me as little more than a body to be used and abused to fulfill the distorted sexual fantasies of whatever pervert wants to spend the money. But there’s nothing I can do to change my culture so if you can’t beat them, join them.’”

Finally, I wanted to say; “Your porn shirt should have come with a contract that clearly stated that ‘you are no longer allowed, from the date of purchase of said shirt, to complain about the objectification of women in any way shape or form because the product your body now endorses is the WORST shape and form of that objectification.’” Then I would’ve stomped out in child-like fury, most likely spilling coffee on myself.

Of course, I didn’t say any of those things. Distracted by the scalding sensation on my hand from the coffee I spilled as well as the mess I made on the coffee shop floor, I stood there in silence. I also froze up because she was with her boyfriend and he was considerably larger than I am (surprise, surprise). In retrospect, I’m glad I didn’t speak up in my anger because even though I may have missed the opportunity to say something of influence, I may also have let my anger speak louder than the truth. (I also may have gotten punched in the nose).

Had I the chance again, and the perspective I have now, I might have said some of the above statements but I would have also wanted to tell her that the truth is she is beautiful because she is made to reflect the image of God. I would have also wanted to tell her that no matter what some magazine or television program says about her body, her skin, her hair or her clothes, she is valued because she is a daughter of the King of the Universe and she is created in His likeness. Then I would have liked to tell her boyfriend shame on him for letting her wear that shirt. And that it falls on the shoulders of better men to love their female friends for deeper reasons than sexual appeal and to mirror back the true beauty of their souls in order to counteract the lies that break girls hearts. Then I would have kicked him in the shins… and then I would run like mad."

Justin McRoberts

Giggles

I found a blog that I love: http://unsortedmail.blogspot.com/

The highlights are the fact they are simple, to the point, and hysterical anonymous messages to strangers in anonymous situations that are down right funny.

My favorites include:


Dear Women Jogging In The Park While Smoking A Cigarette,
No, it doesn't even out.

Love,
Laura
____

Dear Woman Walking Into Sex and The City With Two Children Under 10,
Yes, I am judging you.

Love,
Kristin
_____

Dear Lysol Spray In The Office Bathroom,
You really let the last guy down.

Love,
Rod
_____

Dear Facebook Friend Count That Just Dropped A Number,
Somehow I feel sad that somebody removed me from friendship without even a "goodbye" or "we're done."

Love,Kendall

"Yeah, so I didn't think..."

Y'all are coming out of the woodworks about this whole Kari leaving the bank full time. It has been classically ridiculous to read emails, and listen to folks that I love and LOVE me tell me they didn't think the Bank was my future. I am thankful that I had everyone's support, but one must wonder "Do I have the same support now in this venture I did going into the bank? Is everyone going to tell me they thought I was insane later?"

I am rounding out my last full time week here at BB&T. I am thrilled. This is has been the slowest week I can recall, and I have found myself doing a lot of misc. online research to kill time, and occupy my brain. I have written emails which has been great, I usually just put off those electronic letters in procrastination for a better time.

I struggled with my decision about going part time... I thought I was being ridiculous... I thought I was having an emotional moment that was completely dominating my common sense. The joy that has come is not that those feelings have completely disipated, instead they linger on the surface providing a reality check of sorts... but underneath all that distracts me, is where the dream has expanded in my heart, the details are coming together, lists are being made, timelines are being put in place, and the true vulnerability for what is coming continues to expand.

In light of this new endeavor I have been asked about my possible relocation. It has been the same friends that asked me in January what the plans were going to be, and it was in those eyes that had the sense of comfort when I officially accepted the Bank position. I saw the glimmer of uncertainty reappear when I opened up about my disatisfaction, and my pursuit of something different. I do not want to move out of Lexington, VA at this point. In light of my father moving here, I want to be part of that transition. I think in my heart I want to see this whole new adventure through from my home here, and give it a school season. I wonder if I'm being optimistic? Am I holding onto something I should be letting go of? As I survey the changes that are in the future, with house changes, and job changes, I wonder often what the Lord is setting up. I have the comfort of a home I love, that I will love regardless if I am the only one living there or if I have rooms busting with other roomates and their lives. I have some great friends in the state of Virginia, and probably the best one ever in my zip code. I do not seek to be away from those relationships, and I know that I shouldn't make decisions for my future and what the Lord seeks for me based on those people. I am not married to them, but they are my family. And right now, in this time of uncertainty, they are as important to me as the seven members of my family spread over the Continental United States.

So dear friends, and readers... I pray that I'm able to keep my eyes focused on the Lord and my heart centered on His purpose and will for my life. I want the grand dreams to come true, and I want the extravagant adventures... but more then those things I desire for love and friendship. I think I'm moving my way out of the time of seeking every place else to dream and think. It is not perfect here, and my relationships are not perfect. But I am not going to let go of this place until I know for sure, and I'm praying that the voice I've been hearing continues to permeate fear and control...

A friend wrote me something today that meant quite a bit, they too commented on the bank not being the best fit, I had to laugh but then they continued: "So glad to hear how you're growing... Glad to know that you're following your passions. The Lord will will bless you immensely when you are in His will."

Praying that I'm in His will. Praying that I'm productive in my fear and not stagnant. Praying that anyone who felt like the Bank wasn't a great fit, would speak up in light of this change if they didn't agree! Continuing to pray for my relationships, thankful for where they started, what they've been through, and where they are going. I couldn't plan the best ones any better, and it continues to amaze me how the Lord uses us to sharpen each other, encourage each other, sit and cry with each other, and just be who we are... who knows what they'll change into and how they will grow. What gifts. Who would've thought it could be so amazing?

Lyrical Prayer

Recently I have had certain phrases of songs come to mind when I'm praying, or just generally thinking. I can hear the melody in my mind, and I sense myself begin to hum along to what is silent to everyone else around me. Some of the things I've been hearing and singing along to in my head are:

"I lean into the whisper, but I don't hear a thing... please don't leave me here..."
-dave barnes, when a heart breaks

"If You say go, we will go
If You say wait, we will wait
If You say step out on the water
And they say it can't be done
We'll fix our eyes on You and we will come "
-vineyard worship, if you say go

"Oh my dear, what a race we've run...How do I leave the green fields here? Oh my friends, what a long trip its been."
-emerson hart, green hills of california

"So I walk upon high and I step to the edge and see my world below. And I laugh at myself as the years roll down, 'cause its the world I know."
-collective soul, world i know

"How long? How long to wait when my hearts ready to break? Would you be my lover if I had no love and no beauty to speak of? Would you still be faithful if I had no faith and I questioned everything? Amen."
-justin mcroberts, what love is this

"So be our eyes, Be our hands, Lifted to You, To You alone...
More breath-taking than a gaze at perfect scenery. Your silence hushes thundering storms. All this might and glory yet you still choose to dwell In me... "
-koo chung, you alone

"Accepting all I've done and said
I want to stand and stare again
'Til there's nothing left out,
It remains there in your eyes
Whatever comes and goes
I will hear your silent call
And I will touch this tender wall
'Til I know I'm home again, in your eyes..."
-peter gabriel, in your eyes

"And nobody told you there'd be days of silence, that no one heard."
-darren hayes, who would've thought?

Currently.

It was a different weekend. I had a day off with Matty... and so we spent the day hanging out in the Noke indulging in Barnes and Noble, a pedicure (his first), coffee from Dunkin Donuts, and just hanging out. It was probably the first time in weeks that I had spent any sort of time with Matt that didn't include other friends. It was great. It was good to be able to talk about the summer, ask him random questions about how things are in the Snack Bar, and talk a little bit more about the changes I'm going through.

We met up with everyone for dinner at Ruby Tuesdays, and then we went to a 7 o'clock show of Get Smart in Lexington. It was a fun day. It was a day that resembled the typical routine of my school season life, and I was thankful for the normalcy after trying to adjust to the summer challenges and schedule.

What took the day into a different place was the text message from Mary asking me to come out to Stonewall Jackson Hospital to keep her and Sam company, at 11pm. What I intended to be just a stop in, turned in a couple of hours and it was so good for my heart. I can always be uncensored and completely honest with Mary, and what I hear back is always wrapped up in a package of love and grace. We laughed a bunch. We talked a bunch. We made plans for the next time. At 1:30am I returned home to my bed, snuggled with my dog, and was content.

Waking up for Church the next morning was not easy, but I made it up and out of the house and on my way to Staunton. Afterwards I grabbed lunch and then went to the pool. I want a pool at my house. I can't have one right now, but one day I will own a home with a pool. As the day continued I made my home and took a nap. I can't tell you the last time I took a nap in the middle of the afternoon. I woke up just in time for Mandy to get home and hear about her day and just veg out on the couch. It was a relaxing day, and it was a day that was simple. It completed a weekend that was good for my heart and set me up well for my last full time week at the bank.

I relinquished control of the Vault yesterday and my heart did a happy dance. Because I won't be full time anymore, I had the privilege of handing responsibility back to Martha. I could not be more excited, and it has since relieved a lot of misc. stress from my job. Ok friends, it was really the only stressful part of my job. Now, I have found myself a little bored, but that's ok. Just four days left.

I have had some great conversations recently, which have allowed for a peace in light of this new change come over my heart. I still want certain things to be different, and I still want certain answers to come... but in general there is a silence over the crowded voices in my head and because of that I have been able to breathe a bit deeper. The Lord continues to speak to me through simple moments alone, and in the love articulated by those in my life that I trust. I am excited. Not as terrified... I am sensing parts of my heart awaken after what seems like an eternal hibernation... currently... life is continuing, and I'm feeling much better about it.

Old Bank Phrases

Statements That Drive Me Crazy:

1) "Are you giving away free money?" Yes, and you are the fist one to win that prize.

2) "Why am I overdraft?" Because you can't balance your own checkbook.

3) "Can I have that in twenties?" (when cashing a check for over $500) Why? Why so many?

4) "I'll take six twenties" (when cashing a check for $100), hah you are so clever. And yes, I know how to add.

5) "I forgot my account number", which goes along with "I forgot my name"

6) "Can I keep this pen?" NO. You can't.

7) "Can I have a roll of quarters?"

8) "Is Donna here?" No, she's on lunch. No, she's in a meeting. No. She's just not.

9) "What's my balance?" With kids screaming in the background phone handset.

10) "I've gotta change order"... with the inflection of Howdy Doody

11) "What are you doing? You busy?" No sir, I'm just waiting for you to walk in.

12) "When y'all close?" When the door is locked and lights are off.

13) "Well geez... I suppose this all going in my gas tank" Yes, gas is a rip. Walk more.

14) "How about that weather?" How about the sky being blue.

15) "Is this Carrie Lotts?" No, she works in Lexington now. My name is Kari Burgess... and I am competent, and able to answer your question.

O-mazing Onion Rings

Onion Rings how I love you. Well I suppose I could write a novel on how I feel about the Onion in general.

If you could be a vegetable which would you chose? Friends, I am the Onion. I love that the onions have layers, and that while they at times make you cry they are also worth the tears... I would like to believe that is true of me! Anyway, so in recent years the Onion Ring has replaced my general love of the previously coveted French Fry.

Best Places I have found the onion made into ring of fried goodness:

1) Sonic.
Just crumbly and delicious.

2) Red Robin.
I love them there. I will often go there just to get the onion rings instead of french fries with my burger.

3) Now, let me clarify before I continue: what makes this onion ring tasty is not the ring, or the manner in which it was breaded, its the dipping sauce. Burger King has the BEST zesty sauce for their rings, and therefore it is worth making it to this list.

4) Hulls Drive In Theatre Snack Bar.
Greasy. Beer Battered. Sticks to your hips, but you don't have a care in the world as you lick your fingers good.

I love the Onion Rings. I think they're amazing. Not every onion ring is made equal to that of those listed above. Appreciate the craft behind determining the perfect width of the ring, and the density of the batter in which coats it for the fried crunch.

Dogs Vs. People

Ever notice how people, or more specifically dog owners resemble their dogs? Ever see a really ugly dog, and notice that their owner inherently has some of those peculiar characteristics?

That may be mean... perhaps I can say with assurance that this theory is true because my dog is absolutely adorable, hence I am absolutely adorable. Actually more then just the physical aspect of dogs is what my mind correlates to the personality similarities.

Gracie Vs. Kari (Me)

My dog is hysterical. She's random and she's funny... and I just love her. I have found that those who love me best in my life, also completely love my dog. Ok, but to be realistic and more objective here are other ways we are alike: we are both cuddly. If I had a way we'd all be spooning on the couch all the time. She doesn't really understand personal space, I think in the same way I don't understand the notion of personal noise space. She has a tendency to run away from time to time... I can relate. She wants more time with those she loves, I can completely relate. She is the best dog I could imagine ever having, and we are two peas in a pod. Two perfect peas.

Mogs Vs. Theresa (the roommate)

Mogs is funny. She has a schedule and she has discipline...much like her owner. When Mogs is full grown, she will be almost as tall as Theresa and I, so I suppose their physical characteristics there match. Mogs is beautifully colored, and is strong much like Theresa. Personality wise they differ in that when Mogs gets home she runs around like a crazy person... Theresa doesn't quite do that. When you meet Theresa I imagine her having a Great Dane puppy is not the image that comes to mind immediately. I do not have an endless amount of comparative assertions to make about Mogs and Theresa, those will come in time as Mogs gets older. But it should go without saying, that I can't imagine Theresa having any other dog, naming it any other name, or having that dog be that of any other personality.

Sparky Vs. Betty (aka Betty the Banker)

Betty came in yesterday morning for our security meeting here at the bank, on her day off, with her Pomeranian dog Sparky. Ladies and Gentlemen, seriously, they looked alike. While their general disposition was different, ie. Betty is human and the latter is not. They had the same color hair, a red/brown assortment, they both kept their coif short... Sparky is short, and Betty, well she's definitely not tall. It is this pairing that truly brought to mind the idea that dogs and their owners look alike. Sparky was not really interested in our meeting, and I imagine Betty had that in common with him. They have been together for over five years, and their emotional dependence on each other only perpetuates the idea for my relationship with Gracie that future separation due to death is going to be tragic. Their physical dynamic is just bizarre. If it wouldn't have been awkward I would have taken a photo of the pair.

Ok, so perhaps not all owners and their dogs are quite so alike. Gracie and I? I know that we are personality wise very spot on, she barks at men she doesn't know or trust, I in my own way do the same thing. She would rather snuggle on the couch then hunt for deer, I much the same. She is loyal, and loving... She likes to lay in the sun, she is always up for a ride into town, and we often share time and attention from our very best friend.

Mogs and Theresa are growing into their similarities, but the potential is there, they are quite the pair. I love watching them together at the Pink Hut, and my heart empathizes with Theresa as she works her way through the puppy stage months. Theresa is strong and assertive, and Mogs with her goofy ways is the same... she dominates you physically and she isn't afraid to get in your face and love you with her kisses.

Betty and Sparky... friends just trust me. Spitting images of each other.

McDonalds

Did you know that the McDonalds in Walmart's do not have the Dollar Menu?

The Fairfield McDonald's has perhaps the best Diet Coke experience in the county. They still use those very unfriendly Styrofoam cups to house their Large Diet Coke... this brings a chill and comfortable place for the ice to live during the morning hours in which I sip casually my beloved beverage.

Does anyone order the regular hamburger anymore? Today I wanted just the hamburger. Not the Big Mac, or the Arch Deluxe... just the thin little patty on the bun with a splash of ketchup, dash of diced onions, and a pickle in the center. I got a face when I ordered my Happy Meal, which in all honesty is the best lunch to order. You get just a little bit of french fries, you get your little hamburger (or if feeling frisky you can get the Mighty Kids meal with the Double Cheeseburger), and you get a TOY. I gave my toy today to Phil. It came with instructions, which made us laugh.

If you should ever crave a GREAT Diet Coke, McDonalds off 81 at exit 205 is the place to go.

ps. if you should care to know more about the Arch Deluxe please refer to this website:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arch_Deluxe

Also, I am being told that no one remembers this...but I do, and so do most people.

Ode to the Goat Cheese

I love that the Goat produces such wonderful Cheese.

I have a love affair right now happening with Goat Cheese. I am obsessed with the wonderful dairy creation, and have incorporated it into my permanent shopping list. A few ways that I love the goat cheese:

1) When I make a chicken quesadilla I like some chicken, goat cheese, salsa with extra cilantro... delicious.

2) I make a stellar Goat Cheese Nacho platter with black beans and avocados... its amazing.

3) Goat cheese in a panini sandwich.

4) Baked in pastry with roasted whole garlic cloves.

5) In an omelet with spinach and caramelized red onions, with a sprinkling of diced tomatoes.

That is just a sampling. You make something with Goat Cheese, I'm likely to swoon. I don't think its possible to love a cheese more then I love that of a Goat.

Enough.

It is enough.

I have been greedy and selfish the past few months in ways I have not experienced before or been aware of. I understand that my tendancy to hinder on the side of personal gain is always there, but I have been accutely aware of how many times I have said "more". I have wanted more from people, places, situations and things. My frustration has rested in desiring for more then my portion, more then what I can attain and absorb, and has been emotionally stunted when thinking about what I desire from people who aren't giving me what I want or think is best.

The Lord has carefully crafted and created environments of community for my heart in people that range in their differences from me. The tapestry of their friendship continues to change as the level in which we know eachother and our ability to be vulnerable deepens. Joy is in that truth. Joy is in knowing that I would never ask for more, because the gifts I receive already abound my greatest expectation. I have been feeling lonely and dry in light of the schedule around me. I have also found freedom in being able to be honest about those feelings, and being able to articulate them to people that need to know about what I've experienced in my heart.

I think that is where I have found Enough.

My heart desperately wants to be connected to people I live with more then it has been. And it has been hard fighting the sinful urge to punish them for not giving me what I want... or wanting to create an attitude that would replicate what I'm feeling. In my tapestry of friendship and loved ones live someone who is optimistic, who is able to take the time at hand and let it envelope the moment...and does not get stuck on not having more. I have someone who is sincere in her empathy and always points me towards Christ so that He may provide the healing and comfort that is necessary. I do not inheritantly have those gifts. I try to be content in the ways my friend is, but I can't seem to get to that same place he can. I try to point friends towards the real solution in Christ like my other friend does, but I'm a fixer and sometimes forget to excuse myself from a conversation so that the Lord can speak through me.

I am learning these things about myself while going through the challenges at hand. In being able to grow in the treasure of that awareness, I can sense in finding those things that they are enough, and do not faciliate the natural instinct to want to grasp or claim for more.

While the little dramatic voice in my head at times dominates the voice of reason and gratitude, I'm thankful that today when thinking about life, where I am, and who I love that I'm on the upside of greed. Perhaps it is because of those chosen to love me in my life by the Lord that I'm best able to see the living example of acceptance for what time and experience is, finding joy in the nuggets, or being pointed towards the true companion and healer in Christ.

It is enough. And often times, it is MORE.

"Cause to know you is to know love
And to know love is to know enough
To walk with you through this life
From now until the day I die
What better way is there to live
Than to live with you "

Age and Agnes

One thing that has struck me working out of Fairfield has been meeting the retired population. Many clients of the bank are over sixty, and visit daily to conduct their 'business'. In addition to those that walk through the double doors, I work side by side with two ladies who are entering what I have referred to as their "sunset years". Both having worked full time for decades are working towards the day they will give their resignation, and retire. They speak openly about wishing they could do that tomorrow, and they talk longingly about the life they imagine they will live when their Monday-Friday is their own. Having a parent recently retired, I have thought often about what that transition would look like in my own life years down the line. I imagine that I will be joyful, and I will want to travel... but I realize that the way in which I view those years is based on the sight I have now, its based on the energy I have at this point... when I retire I could have poor health, I could be tired... I could be cranky and not want to see the pyramids.

I think it has been the influence of the women I work with, and the daily interaction with those that I help that has engaged the part of my heart that seeks to do different then I am currently, and wants to release my spirit into a somewhat guarded and guided reckless abandon. In telling Martha today, who is freshly returned from vacation, about my plans and change in directions I wondered what things perhaps came to mind that she wished she had done in her twenties. What came to mind about the choices that took her a different place then she had desired?

I wonder how often I have made my choices based on fear of regret then I have about assurance of the present.

Having worked at camp I never felt each year go by in my age because Summer Staff and the Interns continued to be the same age. The perpetuation of being 23 like when I started at camp contiuned until I realized one day "Wow, you are 25". Since leaving camp, the reality of my current age, now at a wonderful 27 has become more relevant as my professional peers are now my seniors. They have full lives of grandchildren, gardening, and vacation time with their spouses and extended families. Our age differences are more then just numbers.

In them I see potential for where my path is going, and I am encouraged that I do not have to resolve some dreams to remaining in an imaginary state because of responsibility, age or energy, or just the practicality of change.

To couple with this on going conversation in my head about age today I got a call from a friend I work with here at the bank telling me that Agnes, a lady I worked with in Covington while training died on Friday. She was on the way to visit her grandson in the hospital, experienced chest pains, pulled over and died of a heart attack. Upon hearing this news I was saddened by the loss of her life, and the pain that her family and close friends will endure as they mourn her passing. What also swept in was the loss for her dreams she didn't see happen, and for the plans in the future that she spoke of with delight when we worked side by side.

Death is one of those topics in my life that I wrestle with constantly. I know that when I die I will meet the Savior, and the comfort that brings my heart about that unknown transition after my last breath is great. Today I pray that Agnes has met the same Creator, and I pray that the truth that brings to her friends and family is one of great warmth. She was a funny lady, and her quirks were unique to her temperment. I enjoyed meeting her and I enjoyed laughing alongside with her while I was learning the ropes.

To live without regret is impossible. To live without harboring resentment, or grief for those regrets has been something that the Lord has given through peace and understanding... through holding on and letting go. My age will continue to increase, and my prayer is that my perspective on how to continue to grow, and how to continue to take risks will stay with me.

If something were to happen to me tomorrow I know that my last earthly thought will be thankful. I have had a fantastic adventure... and while I wish to see Tuscany, wear a fantastically beautiful white dress, meet my children, and enjoy creative success... nothing will ever be able to top meeting Jesus, no matter what age I live to be.

In General

In general I am doing well. In general I have smiled a lot recently, and I have been peaceful despite the chaos that runs through my ever changing point of view on the future.

This was my second weekend off since the summer has begun at camp. To remedy any possible boredom I went to the beach, and spent the entire day enjoying the sun, water, sand, and rest. I was able to lay still enough that my mind  stopped racing and I was able to nap in that "I'm awake and can hear what is happening around me, but I'm not thinking about anything" kind of quiet. It was probably the greatest gift I received in the day of relaxation.

Today I went to church and just had more moments where I sat there and thought "why can't everyone I love be sitting here right now to hear this sermon?". While my mind is prone to wonder when sitting still for thirty minutes, I found myself attentive and contemplative as my pastor asked the questions that I knew would be with me the rest of the week.

Coming home I had a bunch of errands I wanted to run, and I found myself generally smiling.

Generally, I am doing well. But I am struggling. I am not sure how to be here in Lexington, in my house, and in my life and have it be so dramatically different socially due to the summer schedule at camp. I feel like the anxiety I have spoken about here on the blog and with friends in general that was met with well meaning assurances of "Kari, we aren't going anywhere", or "You don't have to worry about that".... I never really believed the gestures of affirmation, and now sitting here on the end of my weekend I will be honest, I didn't believe them because I knew that while the intention behind them was genuine, I knew that I'd still be sad. I knew that I would still feel lonely. I knew that I would still be the only one that would be experiencing these warmer weeks this way, and I knew that would be isolating. And while normally I would rejoice in "being right", tonight and in this moment friends, I wish more for being proved wrong then I could even tell you.

How do I fit my purpose and who I am which I view as a round peg, into the current situation which feels like a square hole. I don't know how to be the supportive and understanding friend, the pursuing friend, the non-sensitive friend in this capacity. I want a response, I want to affirmed. I want this to be like what my dear well meaning friends said it was going to be like. Instead, it has been painfully difficult adjusting. 

I want to react passive aggressively. I want to pull back and pull away and create a completely different scene in which to participate in, I think that I think that will be easier. While I ride the tides of life with some ease, and can handle crisis fairly well (depends on the crisis), I have also noticed that my loyalty to my emotional friendships, cannot do that dance of change well. It's hard to have a great conversation with someone you love, or spend a great night with someone you love, and leave them and think "that was great, I'm glad for this night, even if I don't know when the next time our schedules would match". I just can't figure out how to not get frustrated at myself in those thought processes. 

Tomorrow I go back to work, and will begin a five day work week which for the most part will have me done by five. I have misc. plans peppered through the nights that I'm excited about, but I fear the Friday. I fear that I will be destructive in my relationships by pulling back and away, when I know that I need to jump into them. I fear that I am making decisions, and have made decisions based on emotions that are temporary and not on things that are lasting. All this time alone at home has been far different then any amount of time I have spent traveling solo. Away and exploring is all consuming, and all distracting. Homesickness is relevant, but manageable. I think I'm just homesick in my own house... and I think I have been surpressing that feeling for over a week now and tonight it finally just poured out.

So to be productive with those feelings, I went for a walk on the trail with Theresa and Mogs. I talked about my feelings, my hurt, and my struggle into trying to figure out how to manage all that I'm feeling about my future which is changing, and my every day that has changed around me. I listened to her offer encouragement, and I spoke freely from my heart about what I feel that I'm learning during this time. I felt embraced in having an ear, and I felt comforted. 

In general, I'm doing well. The day to day is ok. My struggle rests in Saturday and Sunday. I don't want to be a runner. I don't want to run away from this part of adjustment on Friday nights, and be away. Even though this weekend I enjoyed the ocean, I can't do that every weekend, that's just ridiculous. I don't need anyone to fix me. I can't offer any particular solution to this feeling. I know that I have to live through it, and I know that I can look at the past year and draw from challenges that I met with the Lord for encouragement. I know that this is not a permanent situation. I know that to be doing well in general, is better then not doing well at all. 

I just miss my life... and in missing it I have daily reminders of how its different, and how I'm a round peg, that can't fit into the square hole that everyone else can, generally speaking... and that just sucks. 

Heart. Home.

The Pacific Ocean may be where my heart is, but I have realized that the Atlantic Ocean is where my home is. After growing up on the East Coast my entire life, I have taken for granted the idea that the Ocean lives only four hours from my house in Lexington, and have often times never thought about spending much time on the shoreline. And yet I am drawn to the Pacific Ocean more times then I could ever really visit, and wish for particular spots to sit and think at when I am thinking some things through. 

Last night I got into my car and took the drive out to the beach for the night. This morning I got up to see the sunrise, except the smoke in North Carolina blew in overnight and covered it up. Now, this is the normal time for me to get frustrated and annoyed by the situation. However, I got to sit on an otherwise over crowded beach during the day, completely vacant of the noise that pollutes the air, and absent of the people that camp out for the afternoon. It was quiet. It was still. I could hear the birds, I could hear every crackle of the waves breaking on the beach. I saw the horizon change from the darker sweeps of black into the hues of blue as the sun made its way through the sky, even though I could not see the sun specifically. It was a great morning to just sit... pray... think... over think... and then pray some more. 

It has been an interesting week in my heart as I have felt parts of it wake up after a long hibernation in thinking about how to pursue a new creative venture. I have had moments of feeling completely alone and isolated by the decision making process, and that has been hard. I know that it would be easy to pick up the phone and just call someone, but seriously... sometimes its just so hard to do that. I feel like I talk a lot already, and already dominate in some friendships- and I have sensed myself scaling back a little bit. I don't have any particular solutions for remedying that area, but I am trying to work through it a little more.

I will spend the rest of the day on the beach, after I enjoy 2 more Oreo's from my sleeve/box I purchased last night from "The Seven" (7-11), and the rest of my delicious water. The Oreo's remind me of Thailand, the water reminds me of Fiji. Two places I wouldn't mind being tomorrow. 

I am glad for this day. 

I am most glad though that the comfort this ocean front place brings to my heart is one that I did not have to get to by plane. It was simple as a car ride, talking on the phone for a couple of hours to a sweet friend in Kentucky, grabbing some Starbucks, and just going. Arriving and smelling the ocean from where I am staying completely brought chills, and even in the covered up sunrise I was still able to appreciate a moment of wonder for God's creation and masterpiece that He has given so freely. 

Heart and Home. Opposite coasts... but today I found both here. 

Detours. Dreams. Love.

In every life there are detours on dirt gravel roads,

Sometimes it feels like there's just no right way to go,

There'll be times you'll go crazy, 

And times you'll break down,

Always something that stands in your way...

Just keep your eyes on me

Never lose site of me

This love

Nothing can come between

Us when we're following

This love

This love...

Everybody is bound to feel lost now and then,

But I'll be the one thing, that'll be there For you 'til the end,

Through good days and bad

The ups and the downs

Don't you ever let go of your dreams,

I'll be your northern star

When everything's dark 

I will shine for you

Shine for you...

"This Love" L. Rimes

Another significant choice made. Another change of directions. And yet what remains is the love that is given with more Grace and Mercy from the Lord than I can even fathom. 

Friends, it has been a journey this past year and I am thankful that I have had so many in my life to walk beside me, to hold my hand, to hold me together, to affirm, to be patient... to oh the list continues. 

The Lord has redirected my path in recent days, and I'm excited to be sharing more about what that means soon. In the mean time, just pray that I'm able to hear the Lord's whispers in this time of decision and exhaustible bravery.

Love Love.

K.  

Day One

Today is Week One Day One at Rockbridge. It's a gorgeous Sunday, and I have found my thoughts traveling often to what must be happening at camp at specific points of the day, and I have been remembering Day One's of past summers that I have been part of. 

This weekend was the kick off weekend of my little summer to do list. Yesterday I spent a few hours writing trying to get back into the groove of the book and wanting to get some progress made there. I started reading a book or two (it has yet to be decided which one I am going to commit too). 

In bigger strides... I went to mingle with the locals at the nearby watering hole. Yes, it was a cultured experience to say the least. I drove out to the river, parked my car, grabbed my towel, and claimed my spot on the edge of the bank. I sat for a moment looking at the trees lining the river, and enjoyed the people watching tremendously. The water was warm to my toes, and I went swimming for a little bit in hopes to stretch out my back which I threw out this morning. The commentary in my mind about all that I was witnessing made me laugh, and despite my toes being in the water- I felt like a complete fish out of water. It was strange to listen to the families around me, and look at so many red neck tans. Ok, perhaps I'm being a little cynical. It was still funny, and it still mad me laugh. 

I have otherwise stayed out of the heat, and blast of the sun, instead enjoying the central air in my house and my favorite TV show in DVD. I have gone back to the book and edited parts out, and simmered on other topics that perhaps I might not want to include. I have surfed the internet in search for perhaps alternate employment, possible locations I might want to investigate moving too, and then hitting the wall in my heart that has painted all over it: "Wait". And so that is where I rested. I closed the google search engine and I reopened the word document. I am now sipping an iced coffee, and am laughing at Gracie who is snoring on the couch-- happily relocated from sunbathing in the front yard to lounging in the much cooler interior of the house. 

Who knows what the rest of Day One will have in store. It's been a good one, while different then the past four, but tomorrow is Monday and I'm thankful for the day of rest before this work week gears up again. 

What do you love?

The insatiable desire continues. I want something bigger. I want something better. I want something more. 

I have reached the point where I am able to say that I am currently bored in my job. I have felt this way for a little while now, and well? I have had more moments where I have thought "Oh Kari, go do ________". Today I even prayed that the Lord would give me words to resign from my position. He didn't give me the words, and so I kept my mouth shut and went about my day as scheduled. 

The train of thought I've had in my heart has been completely ridiculous. I have thought about going to Art School for a few years to pursue my creative interest. I have thought about getting into Hospitality and Tourism. I have thought simply to work part time and get my photo's in some shops, or to create a website selling some of them. All of the things I have thought of have put me outside of Lexington, Virginia. They all have captured the gypsy nature in my heart and have pulled me into cities with urban culture, or to oceanfront towns with a view of the sunset each night.

I think I deserve better. I think I deserve to be completely happy and content at work, I think I have the right to demand that I'm utilized to my fullest potential, in the most complete sense of the word. I think a lot of things about what I could be doing. 

A friend said tonight "You aren't doing what you love, and that's dumb". My heart opened and all that came out was a sadness, and a sigh of relief that someone saw what I had been feeling but unable to share. 

Dear Self, what do you love? 

I wish I knew the specific answer.  

What finally came together in my mind after hashing all of the options and ideas out was not a two weeks notice alert to my current employer. I thought about how I struggle with the lack of challenge, and personality differences... and I just struggle with the notion that I think I deserve so much more and better then what I am doing. I realized how completely wrong it is for me to think that my purpose is only confined to what I perceive it to be, from my selfish perspective. Then I thought about how might their lives be different if not for me sitting in the particular chair I currently occupy during the day, how temporary this portion is, and how if I take myself out of the situation right now I may be missing the entire point: which could really be just to love the people I work with.

So while I know that I want different. And I know that I want more. Right now, I think I need to love them in spite of my desire for my dreams. My dreams are so manic, perhaps that is why I am in the position I am right now... I can think them through thoroughly, and I can pursue this completely different venue in Banking which I may LOVE when training is done... perhaps that is all part of the point. 

Truth is, I  get pumped and excited thinking about the what ifs, that sometimes I wonder if it is the options that I have felt moved by, instead of being CALLED to a specific purpose outside the one I am currently serving. I think I'm going to pray more on being called, and less on passion for something. Truth is, I'm just a passionate person- there are always going to be a thousand things I will want to do, and could do.  Right now- I'm not particularly happy in the job. But in life? I think I'm finally back to what makes me tick.

What do you love? I love a lot of things. I am trying desperately to keep my dreaming productive, and not a source of dissatisfaction or destruction. 

I suppose the greatest answer I can answer right now is "Who do you love?", and I love Jesus. I love that He has written the story of my life and that I know deeply and truly it is with more purpose and joy then I would be able to create on my own. This particular season of life is a challenge. I refuse to sugar coat it. I want it in its entirety. I want it in its complete authentic state. I want to learn from it, and I want to be changed by it. I want to be able to harness the lesson and have it translate into being an example for Christ, and loving those He has called me to love well. 

Better Hands

A few months ago my friend made me a CD with a few songs that I had requested to 'borrow' from his musical library. For the remaining track selections he filled it with thoughtful choices that were both old friends, but also some new songs that were completely appropriately picked based on some of the things I was going through at the time. I have kept this CD in my car since March, and have even selected some of the songs off of it to include in separate play lists on my ipod. 

I like many, find that music speaks to me in a language I can't formulate in any other capacity. On that mix cd this friend made me contained the song Better Hands by Natalie Grant. I loved it upon first listen, and have since the first play continue to return to this particular song. In trying to find some new music I have been utilizing my xm radio in the car and have been tuning into the Christian channel just surfing around. For the past three days on the way to work I have heard Better Hands play, and have thoughtfully listened to it praying that the Lord would have the lyrics penetrate my heart and spirit.

In it she sings:

"It's like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground
Its like the world is silent though I know it isn't true
Its like the breath of Jesus is right here in this room.

I am strong all because of you
I stand in awe of every mountain that you move
Oh I am changed, yesterday is gone
I am safe from this moment on"

I know that we are all self absorbed and selfish people. I know that what I struggle in my life is real, it can be damaging, it can control me, and it can ruin things of true love and purpose when I am not guarded. I know that I believe things that aren't true, and yet I can proclaim the gospel in my heart while believing such lies. I have struggled with understanding the point, and I have been on the quest for more then what I've been given. My thirst for control is unquenchable and my desire for perfection is paralyzing. 

And yet, I can look back on mountains that have been moved. I can reflect on ways that I have been changed, and have embraced the new day. I have been able to completely grasp and understand the safety I have while in the loving embrace of the Savior. This song is a gift to me from a friend who knew not what it would become in my life. He didn't know that I would attach my heart to it, or that I would pray for the truth in it to resonate my fleeting bouts of doubt or struggle. He didn't know that while believing I reside in the better hands of the Creator of the universe, that I would need something to ring in my ear and whisper truth of Jesus' presence in my room, in the dark corners and places...in my life, in my heart, and in my future. I know that I'm in better hands. I know that when I seek to be made whole or to be fixed in means of this earth I will never find the cracks in my armor truly mended or sealed over. There is only one solution... and only one place to rest. 

Songs have always been woven in and out of stories in my life and references to experiences, places, and people I have loved. Everyone that I have loved in my life has a song associated with them, some have complete musical anthologies. This connection of a tune to an emotion has been part of my heart for as long as I can remember. I am thankful that in my life I can receive gifts from friends in the music they pass along to me, and I am thankful that I can be as inspired by the lyric combined with a melody that has helped me create part of my own story, shed some light on the journey, and more times than not has heightened an awareness and brought me closer to the Lord. 

This song... was a gift a few months ago. This song... has showed up this week in a divine reminder that the hands I seek are that of the Creator. 

My Bakersfield Visitor

There is a client of the bank who comes in once a month to take care of the same particular item of business. The first time I met him I noticed his accent, and then I saw from his check that he was from Bakersfield, California. I remarked to him that I was familiar with the area and have some very good friends that live there. It was hard to give an explanation of interest in what would be received with such small significance, when in reality the weight of that town in California conjures up a response filled with much more emotion and weight. We chatted briefly how he was from there, how he likes the mountains in Virginia compared to the hot dry climate out West. He asked me where I was from, laughed, and asked how a California born, Connecticut raised girl ended up in Rockbridge County, Virginia. I enjoyed talking with him for a bit, and then he went on with his day.

After he left I remember thinking that he was about the same age as Bill Davenport, and I was thankful that in small moments someone I never met could be such a continued living presence in my life three years after he passed away. I have struggled in these three years to define a place for Bill to live where I could draw comfort, forgiveness for the choices that I made that he never argued, and how to have a lasting relationship with him in light of meeting him through his community and estate after he passed away.

Today this same man came in, and I will be honest I did not recognize him at first. I started chatting with him a little bit and processing his request for an official check. He very casually said to me "You are the Bakersfield girl". I responded with a yes, and I am sure that the smile that crossed my face conveyed the joy in the connection and what the reference meant to my heart. It was simple. It was unexpected. It was a moment that an experience and journey continues to live, even years later.

Sometimes I wonder if Bakersfield, California is even a real place. The time I spent there in the summer of 2005 often feels like a distant memory and illusion. The visuals that come to mind are the snapshots of driving around in Bill's white Volvo running errands and grabbing a Jamba Juice smoothie. They are of me sitting on the floor in the living room with hundreds of photos sprawled out over the carpet telling a thousand stories of nameless people and places. Sitting in my chair at Bill's memorial service listening to people talk about the changed man through his recovery, his heart for helping others, and the man who loved his only daughter. I can list endlessly of the poignant, heartbreaking, and joyful things that come to mind.

The mystery is not that I experienced any of them, the feelings they emote from my heart in simple remembrance are enough to prove that they are real...I suppose the mystery is that the memories continue and in their space from their birth in time those few years ago I am in disbelief. The initial rawness of grief, the layers associated with going through the experience have since numbed and their ache isn't quite as jarring. What continues despite time, is the impact the memories have in my life- regardless of the frequency they are remembered or inspired. I have found myself holding onto some so tightly in fear that I will one day forget, and in forgetting lose a piece that shapes up an entire person who is gone.

This visitor to the bank will never know the thoughts that his simple visit initiate. He will never know the history I have associated with the place he grew up and recently moved away from in his retirement years. He will never know that in his eyes I seek a pair that belong to someone else. I am thankful for these moments, and I am thankful that while a time in my life that brought great pain and joy, continues to bring hope and comfort as I am changed by what I've learned as I continue to heal. While surreal, and often times felt to be an illusion due to the isolation I've felt in regards to what I went through, the Lord provides divine moments of reality and comfort... whether its in hearing myself laugh at something with the same inflection Candace said Bill had, hearing a song I was obsessed with during my four week stay that hot August in 2005, and perhaps because I met Bill in the kindness of his friends and their stories that I am able to see him in the the warmth of a stranger in whom he lives in life for me still.