I have reached the point where I am able to say that I am currently bored in my job. I have felt this way for a little while now, and well? I have had more moments where I have thought "Oh Kari, go do ________". Today I even prayed that the Lord would give me words to resign from my position. He didn't give me the words, and so I kept my mouth shut and went about my day as scheduled.
The train of thought I've had in my heart has been completely ridiculous. I have thought about going to Art School for a few years to pursue my creative interest. I have thought about getting into Hospitality and Tourism. I have thought simply to work part time and get my photo's in some shops, or to create a website selling some of them. All of the things I have thought of have put me outside of Lexington, Virginia. They all have captured the gypsy nature in my heart and have pulled me into cities with urban culture, or to oceanfront towns with a view of the sunset each night.
I think I deserve better. I think I deserve to be completely happy and content at work, I think I have the right to demand that I'm utilized to my fullest potential, in the most complete sense of the word. I think a lot of things about what I could be doing.
A friend said tonight "You aren't doing what you love, and that's dumb". My heart opened and all that came out was a sadness, and a sigh of relief that someone saw what I had been feeling but unable to share.
Dear Self, what do you love?
I wish I knew the specific answer.
What finally came together in my mind after hashing all of the options and ideas out was not a two weeks notice alert to my current employer. I thought about how I struggle with the lack of challenge, and personality differences... and I just struggle with the notion that I think I deserve so much more and better then what I am doing. I realized how completely wrong it is for me to think that my purpose is only confined to what I perceive it to be, from my selfish perspective. Then I thought about how might their lives be different if not for me sitting in the particular chair I currently occupy during the day, how temporary this portion is, and how if I take myself out of the situation right now I may be missing the entire point: which could really be just to love the people I work with.
So while I know that I want different. And I know that I want more. Right now, I think I need to love them in spite of my desire for my dreams. My dreams are so manic, perhaps that is why I am in the position I am right now... I can think them through thoroughly, and I can pursue this completely different venue in Banking which I may LOVE when training is done... perhaps that is all part of the point.
Truth is, I get pumped and excited thinking about the what ifs, that sometimes I wonder if it is the options that I have felt moved by, instead of being CALLED to a specific purpose outside the one I am currently serving. I think I'm going to pray more on being called, and less on passion for something. Truth is, I'm just a passionate person- there are always going to be a thousand things I will want to do, and could do. Right now- I'm not particularly happy in the job. But in life? I think I'm finally back to what makes me tick.
What do you love? I love a lot of things. I am trying desperately to keep my dreaming productive, and not a source of dissatisfaction or destruction.
I suppose the greatest answer I can answer right now is "Who do you love?", and I love Jesus. I love that He has written the story of my life and that I know deeply and truly it is with more purpose and joy then I would be able to create on my own. This particular season of life is a challenge. I refuse to sugar coat it. I want it in its entirety. I want it in its complete authentic state. I want to learn from it, and I want to be changed by it. I want to be able to harness the lesson and have it translate into being an example for Christ, and loving those He has called me to love well.
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