One thing that has struck me working out of Fairfield has been meeting the retired population. Many clients of the bank are over sixty, and visit daily to conduct their 'business'. In addition to those that walk through the double doors, I work side by side with two ladies who are entering what I have referred to as their "sunset years". Both having worked full time for decades are working towards the day they will give their resignation, and retire. They speak openly about wishing they could do that tomorrow, and they talk longingly about the life they imagine they will live when their Monday-Friday is their own. Having a parent recently retired, I have thought often about what that transition would look like in my own life years down the line. I imagine that I will be joyful, and I will want to travel... but I realize that the way in which I view those years is based on the sight I have now, its based on the energy I have at this point... when I retire I could have poor health, I could be tired... I could be cranky and not want to see the pyramids.
I think it has been the influence of the women I work with, and the daily interaction with those that I help that has engaged the part of my heart that seeks to do different then I am currently, and wants to release my spirit into a somewhat guarded and guided reckless abandon. In telling Martha today, who is freshly returned from vacation, about my plans and change in directions I wondered what things perhaps came to mind that she wished she had done in her twenties. What came to mind about the choices that took her a different place then she had desired?
I wonder how often I have made my choices based on fear of regret then I have about assurance of the present.
Having worked at camp I never felt each year go by in my age because Summer Staff and the Interns continued to be the same age. The perpetuation of being 23 like when I started at camp contiuned until I realized one day "Wow, you are 25". Since leaving camp, the reality of my current age, now at a wonderful 27 has become more relevant as my professional peers are now my seniors. They have full lives of grandchildren, gardening, and vacation time with their spouses and extended families. Our age differences are more then just numbers.
In them I see potential for where my path is going, and I am encouraged that I do not have to resolve some dreams to remaining in an imaginary state because of responsibility, age or energy, or just the practicality of change.
To couple with this on going conversation in my head about age today I got a call from a friend I work with here at the bank telling me that Agnes, a lady I worked with in Covington while training died on Friday. She was on the way to visit her grandson in the hospital, experienced chest pains, pulled over and died of a heart attack. Upon hearing this news I was saddened by the loss of her life, and the pain that her family and close friends will endure as they mourn her passing. What also swept in was the loss for her dreams she didn't see happen, and for the plans in the future that she spoke of with delight when we worked side by side.
Death is one of those topics in my life that I wrestle with constantly. I know that when I die I will meet the Savior, and the comfort that brings my heart about that unknown transition after my last breath is great. Today I pray that Agnes has met the same Creator, and I pray that the truth that brings to her friends and family is one of great warmth. She was a funny lady, and her quirks were unique to her temperment. I enjoyed meeting her and I enjoyed laughing alongside with her while I was learning the ropes.
To live without regret is impossible. To live without harboring resentment, or grief for those regrets has been something that the Lord has given through peace and understanding... through holding on and letting go. My age will continue to increase, and my prayer is that my perspective on how to continue to grow, and how to continue to take risks will stay with me.
If something were to happen to me tomorrow I know that my last earthly thought will be thankful. I have had a fantastic adventure... and while I wish to see Tuscany, wear a fantastically beautiful white dress, meet my children, and enjoy creative success... nothing will ever be able to top meeting Jesus, no matter what age I live to be.
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