In General

In general I am doing well. In general I have smiled a lot recently, and I have been peaceful despite the chaos that runs through my ever changing point of view on the future.

This was my second weekend off since the summer has begun at camp. To remedy any possible boredom I went to the beach, and spent the entire day enjoying the sun, water, sand, and rest. I was able to lay still enough that my mind  stopped racing and I was able to nap in that "I'm awake and can hear what is happening around me, but I'm not thinking about anything" kind of quiet. It was probably the greatest gift I received in the day of relaxation.

Today I went to church and just had more moments where I sat there and thought "why can't everyone I love be sitting here right now to hear this sermon?". While my mind is prone to wonder when sitting still for thirty minutes, I found myself attentive and contemplative as my pastor asked the questions that I knew would be with me the rest of the week.

Coming home I had a bunch of errands I wanted to run, and I found myself generally smiling.

Generally, I am doing well. But I am struggling. I am not sure how to be here in Lexington, in my house, and in my life and have it be so dramatically different socially due to the summer schedule at camp. I feel like the anxiety I have spoken about here on the blog and with friends in general that was met with well meaning assurances of "Kari, we aren't going anywhere", or "You don't have to worry about that".... I never really believed the gestures of affirmation, and now sitting here on the end of my weekend I will be honest, I didn't believe them because I knew that while the intention behind them was genuine, I knew that I'd still be sad. I knew that I would still feel lonely. I knew that I would still be the only one that would be experiencing these warmer weeks this way, and I knew that would be isolating. And while normally I would rejoice in "being right", tonight and in this moment friends, I wish more for being proved wrong then I could even tell you.

How do I fit my purpose and who I am which I view as a round peg, into the current situation which feels like a square hole. I don't know how to be the supportive and understanding friend, the pursuing friend, the non-sensitive friend in this capacity. I want a response, I want to affirmed. I want this to be like what my dear well meaning friends said it was going to be like. Instead, it has been painfully difficult adjusting. 

I want to react passive aggressively. I want to pull back and pull away and create a completely different scene in which to participate in, I think that I think that will be easier. While I ride the tides of life with some ease, and can handle crisis fairly well (depends on the crisis), I have also noticed that my loyalty to my emotional friendships, cannot do that dance of change well. It's hard to have a great conversation with someone you love, or spend a great night with someone you love, and leave them and think "that was great, I'm glad for this night, even if I don't know when the next time our schedules would match". I just can't figure out how to not get frustrated at myself in those thought processes. 

Tomorrow I go back to work, and will begin a five day work week which for the most part will have me done by five. I have misc. plans peppered through the nights that I'm excited about, but I fear the Friday. I fear that I will be destructive in my relationships by pulling back and away, when I know that I need to jump into them. I fear that I am making decisions, and have made decisions based on emotions that are temporary and not on things that are lasting. All this time alone at home has been far different then any amount of time I have spent traveling solo. Away and exploring is all consuming, and all distracting. Homesickness is relevant, but manageable. I think I'm just homesick in my own house... and I think I have been surpressing that feeling for over a week now and tonight it finally just poured out.

So to be productive with those feelings, I went for a walk on the trail with Theresa and Mogs. I talked about my feelings, my hurt, and my struggle into trying to figure out how to manage all that I'm feeling about my future which is changing, and my every day that has changed around me. I listened to her offer encouragement, and I spoke freely from my heart about what I feel that I'm learning during this time. I felt embraced in having an ear, and I felt comforted. 

In general, I'm doing well. The day to day is ok. My struggle rests in Saturday and Sunday. I don't want to be a runner. I don't want to run away from this part of adjustment on Friday nights, and be away. Even though this weekend I enjoyed the ocean, I can't do that every weekend, that's just ridiculous. I don't need anyone to fix me. I can't offer any particular solution to this feeling. I know that I have to live through it, and I know that I can look at the past year and draw from challenges that I met with the Lord for encouragement. I know that this is not a permanent situation. I know that to be doing well in general, is better then not doing well at all. 

I just miss my life... and in missing it I have daily reminders of how its different, and how I'm a round peg, that can't fit into the square hole that everyone else can, generally speaking... and that just sucks.