Questions

I am moving right along. I feel less stuck in the open wonder of what I should do and who I should be when I grow up. I have taken what I desire for others in sincere empathy and have in small ways been able to allow myself emotional freedom and opportunity. I am trying not to grasp onto others for my stability, especially in light of the fact my closest friends are all dealing with the same thing: waiting... for something different and something similar to what I am. It's strange to be in this place with those I care about, and sometimes I just want the answers we are seeking to be found in each other because I think that would be easier.

I am trying to work through my doubt and at times social awkwardness during this time. I am fighting against the idea that removing myself and moving away would allow me to start over and fresh. I just get easily frustrated in random moments, which cause me to question, "What is broken here?"... and there isn't anything. I have gone from having hard conversations, with hard questions to help a friend along and feeling like I had purpose and intention rooted in Christ... to then feeling inadequate and unsure what to do- seeking Christ's voice and comfort to encourage me to love in spite of feeling ambigious and out of place.

So a list of things that I have been thinking about, in question form. In trying to discern what to do, how I feel, and how to mend the brokeness in my heart I have asked myself a thousand questions, searching for answers.

Who do you reach to first?
Whose voice can ease whatever turmoil rests below the surface?
Who do you fight for in prayer, and unending pursuit?
Where do you go when you are struggling? Do you go to a moving body of water? The couch of a loved one? On your knees in front of the Savior?
At what cost do you continue to love, even if its hurtful?
What do you do, when there's nothing you can do?
When do you know when to speak, when you just want to be silent?
When do you know when to remain silent, when you just want to speak?
Who pulls you back into the Darkness of yourself and leaves you there?
Who pulls you back into the Light?
How easily do you allow yourself to fall backwards, trusting your back will be met with stronger hands?
When we say, "the lucky ones", who are we really talking about?
If we could have one beverage for the rest of our lives not including water, which would we pick? (I just had to throw that in there).
When we say we have dreams, what about them requires that they always live in the hypothetical state?
How do we let go and move on when our heart is pleading that we continue to attach?
How do you let others love you when you don't know what you need?
When do you forget everything you are doubting and questioning, and just find release in a hug from the right person?
Will the timing ever be right?
When do you wait for someone to understand what you do, and how do you know when they are waiting for you the same way?
When single how do you make better choices as to protect the relationship you will be in, and for the spouse you will share your life with, as to guard that union when there are so many wrong ways to turn?


Lots of questions. The answer that is real, and louder then all the others comes in the form of my current favorite song. I know that I reach at times for everything and everyone else before I reach for Christ. Will you be patient and wait with and for me as I continue to explore everything mentioned above? As I seek Christ, will you pray for me as I try to hear Him more then I hear myself?

"When the weight of the world
Breaks down so strong it
Leaves footprints on the street
And there's too many miles to face
Without a few more hours sleep
The storm clouds overhead won't shed
Any rain to quench your thirst
I wanna be the one you reach for first

When your faith is stretched so thin
That you can see right through your soul
And you can't find a nickel to buy a smile cuz all your pockets all got holes
You wanna shut the door and
Hide before the day can get much worse
I wanna be the one you reach for first

I wanna be the bottle you've been drinkin with your eyes
Or the road you run away on
You've been runnin all your life
The third row pew that you last knew
As a child in church
I wanna be the one you reach for first

Before you turn the key
Before you fall asleep
Before you drift away
To find some demons waiting for you
In your dreams
Before your arms stretched wide open
Before you're reaching for the sky
Before you're searching for direction
And all the answers till you fall

Fall into me
My arms are stretched opened wide
You don't have to say a word
Cuz I already see
That its hard
And you're scared
And you're tired
And it hurts
And I wanna be the one you reach for first"