Hallmark Moment

Hallmark moment, even though the card wasn't one from their collection. After an afternoon hanging out, and grabbing dinner in town I returned home from the Boys House. I pulled up to my mailbox and opened an envelope that I could not place the handwriting from. In it I read, "Ever Notice What The Hell Is Always The Right Answer". A few things, 1) I love cards. I love love love them. I love sending them to everyone. 2) I love cards. I love love love them, and I love to receive them from everyone even more. I read the card and appreciated the friendship tucked inside from such an important friend in my life. What I felt most apropos was the actual message of the card...

Yesterday I applied for 7 different jobs with Tiffany & Co. The positions range in tasks, and locations. I can't say for certain how I feel about any of them, but I felt it was time to take one of my day dreams, one of my "what if's" and see if anything more fruitful would grow. Last week I thought about it, and talked about it, and resolved that no I wasn't going to do it. I heard great wisdom about finally pursuing my pictures, now that there is room in my house to spread out and work from home with my art. The voice was clear, the voice was truthful. I responded to it with "yes, you are right, I shouldn't entertain the fears and pursue things I don't know if I really want."

What changed? Why did I apply in spite of the wisdom I heard?

At first I thought it was fear, and impatience. Neither of those are motivators that I should allow to seap into my common sense or thought about my future. Truth is, I have talked about possibly working for Tiffany's for a long time. I know that I would enjoy it. But I will be honest, I can't say that I would love it. I can't say that if offered a position, if it is one that I would take. What I can say is, "sometimes what the Hell is the right answer". Once I filled out my online profile, and copied my resume into their browser, I just kept clicking away. I did not pause to think about how I would react to receiving a phone call. I did not apply for a job that I wasn't qualified, or what I would consider "reaches".

Friends. I think part of me applied just to see if I would get it. I thought perhaps in having something tangible to consider I would know what I was supposed to do. If I don't get the job, then I would know that I'm supposed to stay. I know that I can't barter my future, and I can't gamble the options.

In addition, I have entertained the idea of going abroad for an extended amount of time. Either short term, or long term. I have been praying about whether that would be good for my heart, if I could handle it, and if its the right choice. I have asked those that would aide the process in handling my responsibilities here, and I have not shared the idea with many. I have not resolved my heart with the answer 'no' in regards to that decision.

I know that either way, the love contained in the card I opened last night when I returned home from the day will continue regardless of where I am, and what I am doing. I also know that our friendship will change, and it will grow into something different in distance, and that will be hard. I would never choose for that friendship to end in any context, but I know that if I leave it will in some ways- and while for the best reasons and intentions, it would still be hard. And that is just regards to one friendship. What about the other one? What about the others? How would leaving them behind really be? I know that we can't predict the future, and we don't know what will come later... but how do you make choices with integrity in the present, trusting God to safeguard your heart, as to not micromanage the future? I think if given the opportunity with one of the 7 jobs I applied for, I would freak out and be confused... but that I would take it. I could be wrong. But unless I meet a strapping young man in Lexington, Virginia to sweep me off my feet to keep me planted... why not go?

Stay. I know that I will never hear that from those who love me here. I know that their hearts will think it, and they will try to say it... but that it will never be heard. I don't need to hear it to know its true, and I don't resent the meaning of it in silence.

I am fortunate beyond my own understanding. I know that I am living a life many envy and desire. I would like to mention that the grass isn't greener on this side. But, to be in my 20's, and have the world as my oyster I realize the greatest wealth is found in the freedom. Then why am I so impatient in the freedom to wait? Perhaps it is because my dreams continue to vary to the extent they do, and because I know that the greatest dream deeply planted in my heart is not one that I can move to, or coordinate. I simply wait on the Lord.

Do I stay? Or do I go?
Sometimes... what the hell is the right answer, and sometimes it isn't.