Circles.

Circles. I have been running in circles... in my head, in my heart... in every oracle of my body. 

In the fantastically cheesy movie "Center Stage" there is a scene in which the ballet instructor is talking to one of her students about dealing with challenges with the director of the program:

"The smart ones know where to look... when things get rough. It isn't there. (Walks over the the barre) It's HERE. No matter what happened in class, performance, last week, 5 minutes ago... if you come back here... you'll be home."

I have been thinking a lot about what that place for me is. Where is that place that I return to, and am able to rest all my fears, all my hurts, all my dreams, and just be... just return to one place and put everything that runs me around in ridiculous circles in my head on the side.  Where do I let it all go? 

Is it in the pew of church?

Is it in the silence while driving my car?

Is it when I'm able to lay my head on the pillow?

Is it sitting on the edge of the river?

Is is in the midst of a conversation with someone I love?

Is it staring out into the wide open blue while sitting on my favorite bench?

Last week when I was getting myself together to return home to Virginia I thought often of the scene in the movie, and I thought about the "here" for the dancer in the film... and I was able to see how regardless of my thoughts on staying or leaving Lexington, Virginia it is still very much my home, my place... my "here". 

There are many things that make that possible and true for me, and each day I try to understand that its ok that I don't know where I'm going down the road, but that I can still let myself be vulnerable while here. Changes are happening, crossroads are approaching, matters of the heart are pressing, and yet... I'm here. I'm fighting a natural instinct to run in the opposite direction, and I'm fighting the desire to want to quit. I am not sure what tomorrow looks like, and I'm not sure what I will think about all of the things I obsess about come the weekend. Each day I have a different thought, perspective, emotion, and fear. 

You ever have a moment, that in some way in your core you feel like after it passes that life will never look, feel, or be anything like it again? It's almost like in the birth of each new minute, something is also dying at the same exact time as it passes? 

I have had several of those kinds of moments recently. I can't articulate how each one made me feel- but more often then not their arrival and passing had my heart returning for one desire, and that is for a place that is safe. A place to rest, and a place that the sadness of change and the fear associated with unknown can't touch me- for only a short time, so that perhaps I can gather all of my pieces together and continue to move forward trusting that Love is always the right answer... and that in loving the Lord, strength will be given to love others completely, and without a hint or trace of selfish intent. I don't know how well I do that in the day to day, or person to person... But I do know that I know more clearly what love is because of certain people in my life, and I'm more able to understand how Christ loves me because of them... those are the people you don't quit on, those are the people you fight for, and those are the people that when there are so few answers and so many lingering questions- that Love silences them all. I know that. I just don't always trust it. 

Truth is, I know that to accept the future I desire and to be changed in the ways I need to be changed the only safe place is with the Savior. I know that in the comfort of the most magnificent relationship, my heart will find true peace and rest as I am able to align my desires for my life, my future, with His. I'm still who I am, I still want what I want, and I still think what I think... but I am hopeful that each day my grip will loosen, each day I will be able to do more then say "I trust", but that I will actually trust, submit... and my greatest challenge: surrender. Give it all up, it all... every last ounce of control, desire, hope, dream, hurt, fear, anxiety, and thought- so that I can be filled with more of His. 

My 'here'... is still Lexington. My heart knows it, my mind is still trying to understand how after pursuing a move with voracity means that not a single box is being packed at the moment. I know that process is coming, but I've had to let go of needing to know if its right now (deep breath and sigh follow that statement).