Free To Be

Few things in life make me happier then someone sending me a text message with the song title of a song that they think I need to download as soon as possible... and having the iPhone? Makes that instantly a reality. I love that I have friends in my life that 1) know I have a deep appreciation for the written lyric 2) share this passion with equal fervor. Today I got a text message telling me to download "Free to Be Me" by Francesca Battistelli. (The lyrics are in typical fashion included on the bottom of this entry). I have just now sat down to take a listen to what I downloaded a few hours ago amidst the chatter and laughter of house dinner, and this friend's suggestion: spot on. 

For those of you who don't know this but I know I'm stating the obvious... I've been stressed, strained, panicked, and freaked out about my life and future for months now. I have felt lost, alone, directionless, disapointed, and defeated. In this state I have felt at times sad, depressed, frustrated, exasperated, and completely indifferent. I left on the turn of the New Year to pursue a move. In that move I was seeking where the Lord has purposed for me, and I was seeking a change. I am ready. I am ready... I am ready.

For something. Something different. Something hard. Something new. Something fresh. Something completely separate from everything that I know right now. Something... I am ready.  

The Lord? Has had some different ideas. What I learned in my time away had very little to do with where I should move, work, and play. It was more about my heart, my soul, my body, my everything... which has absolutely no impact on where this heart, soul, body, and everything should live. That simple awareness and change did more for my future then I could even explain here alone, and it did more to change my thought process then I could begin to understand at one time. Everyday of the past four weeks I have been humbled by how the Lord can take what we offer him and completely mold us into something different, and unlike what we can imagine on our own. While I am still stressed, strained, panicked, freaked out, feel lost, alone, directionless, disappointed, and defeated... the sadness, frustration, exasperation, and indifference continue to wane... 

I feel different about all of them. They don't control my outlook, and they have not diminished my hope. I am not moved to tears on a daily basis by the unknown, and I am not codependent on another to get me through it. I am not holding things back from those that want to know, and I'm not sugar coating the process to protect anyone involved. I am still meeting with the Lord on a daily basis with a heart of submission and one that is trying to understand the depth of trust I currently operate out of, and praying for that to increase. 

So... "Free to Be Me" completely touches on a part of my spirit that has shifted. The part that isn't so moved my frustration to impulsively pursue every last option that could be "good enough". I still struggle in the thought processes of 'picking' and just going- and wanting to make the best of it. I know that I'm not going to be in Lexington, Virginia for the long haul. I know that my days are dwindling down, and I wish I knew what that meant... but I don't. What I do know is that I am working through it all, and I'm putting pieces together. I am trying not to get so distracted by relationships that are struggling, that I forget to focus on where my heart is. I am trying to stay centered in things of truth, and voices of reason- and not the silence that can cast doubt, and fear can loom. I am trying to be open with each question asked, and I'm trying to not base my answers on what others think or want to hear. 

I am ready. I am ready to let it all go, but I'm also in a place that understands with sincerity that to be here during this time of decision also means to be completely here. It means to laugh with those I love, and hug friends as I see them and say goodbye... it means gathering around a table to share a meal and not think about the next time. It means being submersed and content in each moment I have, because I know that the call is going to come and I will have to let this go. It means I continue to fight for love in places I want to protect myself, and quit. It means that I have to trust that I'm being told the truth and that in another I can rest my fear to be met with their friendship. I know what it all means. I fight my doubt. But I am no longer fighting the Lord in this place. I am simply begging Him to come along side me, and to help me see that remaining isn't the same as staying... and that surviving this isn't the same thing as truly living it... I am asking Him for hope- an endless supply of hope... all the while I'm seeking to know what no one is ever told: how its all going to be, and that this is all worth it. 

I am ready for something... and while I have thought that something has meant everything else, I know that right now, all that I think about and am going through at this moment is what I am most ready and prepared for. I am hopeful that the value of the experience to Love, and to Love well in any expression of which will always be worth more then risk. 

Free to Be Me
Francesca Battistelli

At twenty years of age I'm still looking for a dream
A war's already waged for my destiny
But You've already won the battle
And You've got great plans for me
Though I can’t always see

‘Cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me

When I was just a girl I thought I had it figured out
My life would turn out right, and I'd make it here somehow
But things don't always come that easy
And sometimes I would doubt

And you’re free to be you

Sometimes I believe that I can do anything
Yet other times I think I've got nothing good to bring
But You look at my heart and You tell me
That I've got all You seek
And it’s easy to believe