Seeds Planted

Today I drove by one of my neighbors down the road, walking back and worth in his newly sowed garden. His head was down, his left hand cupped- holding something he kept pulling from, and he was quietly moving along the rows dropping seeds into the ground. The weather outside is marvelous, a little overcast but the temperatures are pleasant in the 60's. If you close your eyes you can almost fool yourself into believing that the grass has begun its turn to green, that flowers are beginning their assent to burst above the surface, and that spring has arrived. 

There was something about watching the man plant seeds in his garden that struck a cord with me. I suppose its two fold: 

1) Despite modern technology and advancements in the world and how we utilize them to nurture the soil to produce large crops for our exporting and for our people to purchase... for some those technologies are not important. Having a vehicle in which to produce more, faster, more effectively, and precisely is of no interest to the man living down the street from my house. He works his land, he plants his seeds, he will reap the rewards of his labor when the spring soaks the earth and the sun feeds the stems that begin to bloom. It has nothing to do with fancy equipment or shiny progressive methods... its just him, and his purpose is simple and refined. 

2) How often do I think that my life can be solved or explained in direct relationship of technology and the speed in which we live our lives? 

I have this strange expectation that everything I desire to see, touch, experience, and feel is completely at my beck and call. I run through days, moments, and conversations- and I only truly find myself rested when I know that I've been productive and accomplished many things on a to do list. My value is not in what I do, how much I can do, or how well I can do it. My expectation of having everything handed to me is completely sinful and my reliance on things that our culture tells me to believe is damaging. I can't google my wedding date, my future spouses' name, what I should have for dinner, where I'm going to be in 6 months, if a friend is going to hurt me, if I'm going to be happy, or the circumstances around my own death. And yet, sometimes I look to my phone (I mean, if the iPhone was a human, it would completely have a God Complex)... truth is  I have a God Complex about my phone. I think I can google whatever I want to know, that when I'm thirsty it will give me a glass of water, or when I'm craving Gum- that it will provide.

To combat what I think my phone can do, and what I think I should know at my command I started leaving my phone at home when I'm out running errands, or if I'm at home I will leave it in my room. If I hear it ring, great- but if I don't that's ok, they'll leave a voice mail if its really important. I have begun to notice how often all my friends and I check our phones when watching TV, hanging out at dinner, or just in the car... I am trying to stop doing this so much in my own life. 

The moment today watching the man work quietly in the warmth of the sun had me asking some questions:

a) What seeds am I planting in my life that I am choosing to walk slowly through the garden, with my head down in prayer and gently holding my dreams, hopes, and fears cupped in my left hand as my other hand reaches for them to release them into fertile soil?

b) How often do I think that shiny new progressive things, thought, or tools are of more value because they get the job done faster, which I perceive is "better"?

c) Am I willing to wait to know the future, and let go of wanting to know right NOW? Am I willing to change my expectation so that I'm not constantly disappointed by the lack of answers, or the insufficient search results in my google quest?

d) Do I trust that the Lord is speaking to me in places I don't often listen for His voice?

I mention this because I had a conversation with Tex today that I think I may have been pouting about when I walked away (ok yes, I was pouting, and I was frustrated as crap). I made my sarcastic comments, and I yelled when he said something that made him for a moment act like a jerk, still kind of pissed about that, but I'm getting over it. In our chat, he completely told me that I couldn't think about something. Ok friends, when am I ever not allowed to think about something? He then followed up by asking me what my fear, thoughts, or questions had any impact on the day at hand. I rolled my eyes. The more important question came next: "How does this impact tomorrow?" He did what he does best- and that is focus the energy back from manic thousand mile an hour thoughts, into simple ones: thoughts that are productive. They are not shiny, and they are not progressive. They have been true for the entire span of mankind and that was: don't worry about tomorrow, it's ok... worrying does not change it. Tex had already spoken to me about this once this week, I heard it the first time and it was a perfectly timed piece of encouragement. Today though, it was in the midst of the panic- and while I know that he's right, I know that debating, contemplating, changing, pursuing, purposing, and freaking out about life does not change what the Lord is at work in. I still had to wonder as I left talking to Tex, Lord... where is your voice in all of this dialogue? 

Sometimes I just want someone to listen, to read a 25 point email ranting, or to just be quiet with me as I stare at nothing. I never would say that I wanted to be told that I couldn't think about something. But that doesn't mean for a second it isn't what I needed. 

That my friends, is why I ask and will finish my question- do I trust that the Lord is speaking to me in places that I don't often listen to His voice... because I don't like what that voice has to say? 

A man today walked back and forth in his garden. He has plans for the seeds he has planted, and he has hopes for what his crop will reap. How often do I forget the work in my heart and life that the Lord has walked carefully in, guided me- never told me to rush or run... the garden that He knows, and loves- and just asks me to rest. In true rest of the Holy Spirit and not in that of an accomplished to do list. 

I also know that He speaks in moments I'm frustrated or pouting. I know this because as I continue to seek the support, care, and friendship of those I love, I know that He is at work in their hearts to love me well. I know that the Lord is in their voices because He knows every so often I will stop. I will listen. I will pause. I will ponder. I will question. I will think. I will be vulnerable. I will be open. I will cry. I will smile. I will laugh. I will allow my hand to be held. I will stop running. I will stand still. I will stop standing and I will sit down.

When those things happen, ranging in their frequency, I hear Him. I see Him. I know that some areas of my life are blooming, some are withering, and some large pieces are being sowed and prepared for what is to come.

My hope, which I have learned to cultivate more of with the influence of a very hopeful friend is that what grows from my heart, and life resembles the creator, a life pursuing His purpose, His timing, and I'm hoping... a sunflower or two.