Doubt

What is truth? I went to the Merriam-Webster online dictionary to see what they had to say about truth... in their list of definitions the last one being number four said simply:

4: capitalized by Christian Science : God

I think that's interesting. And while I do not support the Christian Science principals, I've got to say that God is a very perfect definition to what Truth is. 

I have gotten back into the swing of my bible study on Monday night's and felt like the discussion and lecture were very much about topics that I have been working through in my heart- and that has been atonement, forgiveness, sin, truth and lies. It has been a common thread in some friendships as vulnerability has reigned and life continues to move along. I have been open about my heart and concerns in ways that I know the Lord encourages, but I have often asked myself if my desire in being honest is so that trust will grow and exist between the one I am talking to, or if the vulnerability is really about me trusting that the Lord will be my comforter, and be my security in a place that I am unsure... and trying to not be paralyzed in fear. 

To be honest and quite frank: I doubt some core things right now. I am not sure how much I believe in promises of forever, friendship, the future, or what love is between two people. I don't doubt Christ, and don't doubt my relationship with Christ, but I know that any comparison on this earth to that of my relationship with the Lord is going to fall short. So in the past I can say I have struggled with accepting love from others, or Grace from others- which has been a direct reflection of my inability accept it from the Lord as well... right now I feel like I have been disapointed in our earthly execution of love, truth, and friendship... and how we just fail our own potential on a daily basis. This perpetuates a level of doubt. This is what I have been thinking about often... the let down, the fear, and the concern.

I am past the point of return in some friendships. You know how you can have your acquaintances, "fan clubs", friends, true friends, best friends, soul mates, family? The varying degree of emotional intimacy is dependant on the dynamic that two people bring to the table, and the assessment of ease in the risk to be vulnerable and break through some walls. 

Right now in my life I can rejoice in that I can look across a room and can catch a pair of eyes and know that we are laughing at the same thing, at the same moment- while anyone else sitting among us is without a clue the exchange even happened. In that same moment, I wonder when did I lose the protection of being my own person, having my own thoughts, and hiding behind a shield... a shield that could withstand change, consequence, fears, and feelings? When did the shield disappear that protected someone from looking at me, and knowing instantly and without a question how I'm doing, how my day was, or what I'm thinking about? When did that wall... just... vanish? And I suppose a more important difficult question is, if I could replace the wall... would I? 

What is the truth in those thoughts?

What are the questions that bring to light the answer that true friendship is what we are all seeking, and when you find it you can't let it go? 

How can I work myself out of this place of doubt? 

What is it really going to take?  

Is it a silent hug that doesn't let go until the heart stops racing so fast, and the embrace is trusted?

I don't know where some friendships come from, and I don't understand why some friendships leave. I don't know why I've had to move on from some, and then there are others I find impossible to let go. I wonder often if I am running from the truth, or if it is the only sane thing that I continue to move towards. I just want a life of integrity. I just want relationships that I know I'm being told what is real, and even in the smallest moment what is said is completely true and not a shred of a lie exists between the lines. 

I doubt right now, and that is just the truth. I am still able to laugh, be myself, talk about random things or important ones... but I just have this sense that I don't know what to believe in what I'm told, or how not to attach hope on promises I know that we, as people- can't keep, but can't help but say anyway.  

So this entire issues of truth, lies, disappointments, shelters, safety, and hope all wrapped into one are what I have been going to the Lord about- asking for wisdom, praying for discernment... begging for courage to Love in spite of my doubt, and to Trust His purpose and plan in my relationships that have nothing to do with walls, boundaries, and self preservation. To give my whole heart to Christ, and understand that I am called to love others out of my love for the Lord... regardless of the doubt, or the price. 

"Wasn’t it the pain that brought us together
Wasn’t it the heart ache that brought me to you?
Wasn’t it the look that you saw in my eyes that told you, I knew what you’d been through

Wasn’t it the hunger, that made us want more
Wasn’t it the hurt, that made it easier, to forget the things we both left behind
Cause I’ve been hiding’, all my life and, I’ve been trying to keep me safe
But, I am healing, I’ve been thinking, I am ready, finally for something more… than this

Wasn’t it the ache, that brought us here
Didn’t it feel good, to only need each other
Wasn’t it our way to feel this was life
Cause I’ve been hiding, all my life and, I’ve been trying to keep me safe
But I’ve been healing, I’ve been thinking, I am ready finally for something more…than this

What if it’s just me that can’t keep it together

What if it’s too much, too much for me to take
What if I want you, just to walk away
From all the pain, we have both been through
Cause I’ve been hiding, all my life and, I’ve been trying to keep me safe
But, I’ve been healing, I’ve been thinking, I am ready… finally"

-Keri Noble