Band-Aids

Today at Target I had to buy Band-aids. I chose Toy Story.

Since then I've thought about this box of bandages and have wondered how often I wish that a band-aid could fix "it". The "it" varies. Sometimes its something small. Like a broken device or piece of glass (a recently broken tumbler, specifically). Most of the time though, the 'it' is much more substantial and an issue of the heart.

I have had some amazing friends in life. I have burdened with them as early as grade school when their grand parents passed away, or they found out they were moving to a new town. In my adult years however the tenderness of my heart has increased as those in my life are much more meaningful when relationships are formed not out of convenience, or even jobs. It's the kindred spirit, the connection of Christ, its a deep well of feeling and empathy. There have been times that I have felt such a burden and ache for those I have loved. Matty last summer comes to mind, and just wanting to heal his heart and body in the midst of what was really scary time. When Tex moved to Oregon and was made aware of the changes happening in his family, I just hurt and cried with and for him. This January in understanding the depth and weight of Courtney's challenges, and feeling like all my magical powers in the world (the illusions that they are) could not begin to heal anything. It is a helpless feeling when you are walking life with someone who is hurting so deeply, either physically or emotionally. You partner in prayer, and you listen, and you pursue, and you support... but you always always come up short. You know it. They know it. It's just how life is. At times we are protected from feeling helpless, but there is a sense of not 'doing/being' enough.

We are not ever going to be enough in this place.

We don't have the touch.

We never have.

I am thankful however that in my relationship with THE HEALER, and CREATOR of it all, that I can place my rest. I have never done this well. I am a planner, coordinator, control freak. I like to manage, and tend to attempt survival. This summer I have learned the most divine and heartbreaking lessons. I have seen my failures, and I have seen how those failures hurt others deeply. I have also seen the Son rise.

I have always been a thinker. When I think in circles and am not getting anywhere I usually get upset. Somewhere at the end of the 1,000th loop in thought I remember, "Oh God. Hey yeah, its me, Kari, again. What are your thoughts?" This summer as I began my time in China, the racetrack of emotion that I was on was deadly. I was hurt, upset, confused, and just a ball of emotion. But one thing that I was sure of, was that I was purposed for China. I was meant to go. It did not matter what I was leaving behind, bringing with me, or would be brought back into. I was supposed to go and love.

There, I found something priceless and remarkable. I was able to get off the race track and do something I have found impossible in the past. I took each day, each segment of time as it was. I did not race forward. I did not remain planted in the past. I knew what my task was, I knew what my objective was, I was focused. The discipline to do that does not come easily for me. However, I know with the support and petitioning of those at home in prayer, I was able to slow everything done and be. Broken. Sad. Confused. Joyful. Excited. Open. Searching. Happy.

Unlike past adventures there comes a point when I return that I completely forget what I learned, the cycle continues and bam I'm back where I always was. Thankfully this August night I know that I am not on the same roller coaster. I'm in an entirely different theme park! (that's funny). I know that I am still incredibly sensitive to outside opinions, thoughts, and questions. I know that I am not always able to discern tones, and I perceive judgements. There are still areas of hurt and sadness that I am working my way through to tackle and experience restored relationships. A beloved hard lesson came from a seed planted last summer. In the midst of dealing with fear and sadness I was trying really hard to be the 'strong' one. I heard one of the most important things from the most perfect person: "You don't have to be the strong one. You don't have to protect me, from you." It has taken me almost a complete year to grasp, understand, and be able to do that. In wanting to love and care for my friends and family I have always absorbed the situation and weighted myself down, drowned out my needs, and then put all the walls back up. Literally. One year later I finally understand that way of living, and that example is not the truth. It doesn't glorify God, and it kills me. How I wish I had been able to live that the past 6 months, so many things would have been different!

I know that I am not the healer. I know that the touch I am looking for does not come from my mind. It comes per invitation of my heart. I can't find it in Target in the first aid aisle, and I can't open my mailbox to receive it in an envelope.

But it is there. How fitting that the sacrifice and wounds of a Savior is our only way of healing, transformation, restoration and freedom. It's not an easy fix. The price was high, the experience brutal and violent. Yet, it covers us. It blankets us with promise and productivity to live as lights guiding all praise and glory to the one most high.

On this night, I am compiling hundreds of photographs to make a DVD of the China trip for my friends. I am looking at faces I have not seen since June, and I am thinking about new aspects of that experience with the maturity I have gained since its end. I do not wish to go back. I am here. I am now. I am working my way through tremendous family stress and strife, and I am trying to live with my wounds visible so that as healing comes I am able to show Christ. My life does not look anything like I imagined for this particular time. I draw comfort however that it was designed for a purpose greater then my own understanding, and that what I'm searching for will continue to be revealed as I let go of hurts, dysfunctions, and doubts.

Where do you go first when broken?

Do you absorb a situation to 'help it', instead of aligning your spirit with Christ and surrendering it all?

What needs 'fixing' in your life?

Are you letting your mind race and forgetting to open your heart for the invitation?

...and my favorite question of the summer...

What are you waiting for?

1 Peter 2:24: He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed.

Psalm 40 1-3: I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.