Fireflies.

I have a secret obsession with Fireflies.

I love them.

I don't have any decor in my house of them.

They are a secret shared moment between Bill and I.

(Though I realize now its not a secret, that's ok).

When I arrived to Bakersfield five years ago I drove a white Volvo that became mine. When I needed to get some fresh air, some coffee, or some lunch from In & Out, I piled into this four door sedan, blasted the air conditioning (it was a HOT 110 degrees most days sans humidity). And I would drive. There was something cathartic and calming about it. In the evening hours I would head out after the sun had finished scorching the earth and I would hang out at the bookstore, or just drive in circles... sometimes for hours at a time. I never talked on the phone. I just sat. Drove. Listened. Took a break.

Three years ago I was back in this same town. Not much was different. My favorite hangout spots still held their posts, and my routine was similar. In the days when Candice was at work I would meander and just do nothing around town. Sometimes I would read, sometimes I would write postcards. My phone rang, three times during those five days. Two of them were from my intern, and the other was from the Kitchen from someone who was not yet a best friend. I remember these three phone calls only because it was just a stark contrast to my original trip. I was in Bakersfield for over three weeks two years prior, and I think I spoke on the phone only 3 times to people outside of movers, realtor's, and my lawyer.

There is nothing that could be said about what I think about, how I feel upon arrival compared to how I feel when I depart, or my deep emotional attachment to this random place outside LA that would even remotely articulate it accurately. Sometimes I want to bring someone there, just to share it. Most of the time though, I just want to go there and drive. It's just... home in a weird strange way. Like I said, there are no words.

I listened to the Faith Hill album Fireflies pretty nonstop the entire month of August in 2005. At times I moved around in the iPod selections, but for the most part it was Faith and I, driving in the Volvo. On that album appropriately so was a song titled 'Fireflies'.

In it she sings of wanderlust and childlike fantasies.

"Before you met me I was a fairy princess

I caught frogs and called them prince

And made myself a queen

Before you knew me I traveled around the world

I slept in castles and fell in love

Because I was taught to dream

I found mayonnaise bottles and poked holes on top

To capture Tinkerbell

They were just fireflies to the untrained eye

But I could always tell-

I believe in fairy tales and dreamers dreams like bed sheet sails

And I believe in Peter Pan and miracles

And anything I can to get by

And... fireflies

Before I grew up I saw you on a cloud

I could bless myself in your name and pat you on your wings

Before I grew up I heard you whisper so loud

'Life is hard. And so is love, child, believe in all these things"

I found mayonnaise bottles and poked holes on top

To capture Tinkerbell

And they were just fireflies to the untrained eye... But I could always tell"

One of my favorite things about this house in Virginia is that on a summer night the view from the porch turns into a light show. Fireflies buzz along and appear at random points, though it seems perfectly synchronized. Every time I see them, I think of the above song. I think about driving around and around with my thoughts, singing this song over and over again. I imagine one day getting to Heaven, and meeting the eyes I have been searching for my whole life... and I imagine the conversation beginning something like,

'Before you met me I was a fairy princess.

Before you knew me I traveled the world.

I believe in Fairy Tales and Dreamers Dreams... so many of mine have come true.

Before you met me I saw Fireflies and I thought of you.'

Tonight when I was driving home Fireflies came on the Shuffle, and I sighed a deep slow steady breath. One week from tonight I will be arriving at Candice's door. I am excited and terrified all at the same time. I am glad for the time I will get to spend in the company of precious family. They loved me tremendously well five years ago, and I know its a direct reflection of the love they shared and had for Bill- who in turn gave me... the world in freedom to experience it from a child given to Stan or as an adult who could pursue every last random dream in his passing.

Fireflies & Fairy Tales. Dreamers Dreams.

A dark night sky illuminated always leads me back to you.

Can't wait to fill you in on the rest.