The Lie.

So. I have wanted to write but I have not know quite where to start.

Lots of random things.

Life right now is good. I'm humbled and amazed at how I can write that, and I know with certainty its true. Life is good. The highs and lows are good. Right now, I'm neither here nor there, which makes me laugh with a sly giggle.

One of the best things that I can say about life right now is that there is a deep calm, a deep sense of security that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing, and while I still ache for the next step and move away from Lexington, I am content. I know that this feeling does not come easily, and I know that there are times when it doesn't stay long... but right now its here and I am thankful.

Today I had a job interview. It's for a position in Roanoke, and I continue to grumble about how I do not desire that commute. However I think its a good fit, I think it will be amazing to have a paycheck, and I am thankful about the opportunity to be 'wanted'. I was recruited, and there is something fantastically wonderful about being pursued in this way.

I have thought a lot about truth and lies. I have struggled for a long time with the lies regarding my view of my heart, body, and spirit. I have felt defensive and often times I have felt like I needed to apologize. In the shuffle the other day in the car I heard a line from an old cheesy christian song in which the singer is telling Christ,

"I don't want to go somewhere, If I know that you're not there

'Cause I know that the me without You is a lie

And I don't want to take that road

Be a million miles from home

'Cause my heart needs to be where you are

So I don't want to go"

How often I have just thought of the lies we believe and the destruction they bestow. I don't think I had considered that lies are not just the fabric of belief, but that life away from Christ and not centered on Christ completely, is not just a thought/belief/feeling- it makes our entirety and complete self THE lie. We are often what we think, and when we are thinking away from Jesus, everything about us becomes the selfish, unholy, unloving, and lost person.

Now that September is upon us, and Labor Day closes this summer I can't believe I have lived so long not just believing lies, fueling lies, and struggling with them, but that in doing so I also became one.

This perspective has completely changed the way I have viewed life, those I love, who I'm letting go, and how to move on seeking first the Kingdom. Perhaps this is the best place to rebuild. Simply by asking forgiveness for every thought spoken, feeling intended, and dream pursued that was not first given to the Lord.

The truth in many ways has come. I feel more like myself then I have in YEARS. I am struggling through the grief of what happened between Tex and I, and I am continuing to process how to establish love in boundaries and not hurt. However. Something quiet has returned. When I least expect it, I sit and I smile. My spirit feels FREE. I laugh more easily. I enjoy things more fully. I cry more tenderly. I love more fiercely. And I understand to such a high degree, I want my life to a fortress of glory for the Creator. I want people to know me, talk to me, and befriend me seeing only which comes from above. This is hard. It always has been. But in the pursuit of something real, something that lasts, I have returned to the promises found in scripture and I hold steadfast to the knowledge that if I am not rooted first in truth of the Holy and Living God- then everything else will and does crumble in false pretenses and heartbreak.

Tonight content. Tonight thankful.

This has been a long journey to a moment such as this.

Love.Love.