Today was not my finest day of driving. I thought to myself as I made my way down my drive way that I would be good to go, a little bit on auto pilot. The drive between Lexington and Mason? A piece of cake. Then why did I find such trouble? After entering into Kentucky I realized that I needed gas. The rental car has a gas mileage meter in the dash, so I kept an eye on it. Not wanting to repeat my panic attack from the other day in which I had 1 mile left as I waited to turn into the 7-Eleven gas station. Today I don't know where my head went. Suddenly, and completely out of the blue I had 3 miles left. I knew I was in the middle of nowhere Kentucky. I knew that the mountains were going to claim those 3 miles fast. I knew that it was 97 degrees outside, and that cell phone service was spotty. I knew that Jesus was listening and so I prayed. I turned off the A/C, coasted whenever I possibly could and when the mile meter went to ZERO I didn't get upset and cry, and I didn't throw a temper tantrum. I just prayed. I kept my eyes peeled for any sign of civilization and I prayed. TWELVE miles later a exit appeared, and so did several gas options. My only hope at that point was that I'd make it to the end of the ramp. The Kroger had gas and it was walking distance. I made it to the next light. OK Jesus, I don't want to be 'that' girl who gets stuck out of gas at the light before it and have a row of cars angry at me.
Thankfully I made it into the gas station and the Focus took 13.377 gallons of gas. I imagined a fleet of angels attached to my car helping me make it the way into the gas station.
I mention this story because this summer I have spent a lot of time diverting my attention in the details for God to show or prove His love for me. I have written about this previously that hearing a song called "Love is Here" I was able to pull myself together before China to not look at the dismal circumstances of what was the ending of my dating relationship with Tex and look towards the cross. That was a great reminder of God's love, and it helped me take a lot of focus and attention away from what I wanted. In this recent gas situation I found my heart praying from what I had learned this summer, and not resorting to "God I need this. If you love me... you will ____ (insert blank)". Instead my most sincere quest in seeking the Lord was for calm in my heart which was panicking, and just that whatever was to happen I would be comforted in the situation and would not freak out. I could have run out of gas at any moment, and I would not have questioned whether God heard me. I was rooted in truth. It was in my toes, and it was in my spirit. I also did not think God loved me more then I thought because I made it to the gas station. He did not have to prove it to me. What He did, was what He always does: comforted, protected, and guided His child.
Later today I had my 2nd example of why I should not have driven. In the dozen times I have traveled to the Cincinnati area this year, I have never missed the 75N turn at Lexington. I saw the sign, I was in the correct lane, and yet miles passed and I was confused but not for 26 miles did I question it and look at my phone. I had kept going. I did not turn North. I never made the exit. I have NO idea why 1) I didn't 2) I didn't notice for 26 miles 3) What I was thinking about that made that happen.
Frustrated I called Kristyn and I vented about how I shouldn't be allowed to operate a vehicle. She kind of laughed at me, but mostly just listened. I made my way back towards Lexington where I would be making my exit towards the North and I was just confounded. What happened to Auto Pilot? What happened to "I got here, but I don't remember how?" Instead I put myself in poor timing for Northern Kentucky as I approached during rush hour traffic, and what should have been an easy breezy 6 hour drive was 8 hours.
8 hours.
While I know that I am mostly com plaintive, I do have a point. I was able to celebrate peace and comfort in the Lord in the gas situation, however in the midst of my own stupidity the 2nd time there was none of it. I was tired and exasperated. I wanted a nap.
Why could I not exhibit to myself a level of grace that would ease the tension in my own heart? When I was panicked and afraid of my safety: Jesus. He will comfort.
But when it was about my own ridiculous lack of focus and what it would cost me in traffic: self loathing. Nothing about that is comforting.
It was not my finest hour. It also just highlighted the sort of aloof thinking I have had recently, per which landed me in this situation needing to go back to Ohio in the first place to get my car. I could laugh at myself all week about that, it was just a ridiculous instance of trying to be efficient, and haphazardly making things much more inefficient.
My focus today was all over the place. I struggled with reigning in truth, and I found myself indulging unproductive thoughts, feelings, and hurts. Clearly in doing so it dulled my focus, and it distracted me from my main purpose and objective. In the midst of those things I was able to see Christ when I was terrified, but then lost Him when I was just mad at myself. It was such a poignant example of losing the stepping quickly even while in the midst of a singular car ride. It is that easy to lose it.
As I pulled off the highway tonight in Mason, Ohio 8 hours after my journey began I was able to find gratitude. It was there waiting for me to get over myself and the situation, and remember that in all things/moments/distractions that we are to glorify and reflect the Lord. In all things. In all circumstances. Be joyful.
The lesson.... continues. Sometimes with mighty steps forward, and then much like today- a big step backwards.
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