Slowly but surely I am peeling back the layers and I am getting to the core of some issues. My main objective with therapy on my first visit was to "Establish a life without the enduring pressure of needing to survive. I would like to live."
With that objective also came the deep desire to retrain, and reroute choices in communication, boundaries, and the impossible time I have at expressing in the moment that which burdens me, and instead choosing to be silent. The silence has killed me. I think often back to the blog entry I wrote in China called 'The Cage'. Its never been more true then in this time, that I have released myself from the confines of what I have known, and I am existing without the comfort of codependcey and am establishing new healthy patterns.
All that to say, I am experiencing the highs and lows of thought, prayer, and intense introspection. It's wildly different then any other period of my life, and I cannot begin to articulate the deep sense of security I feel in my life knowing that God's provision for me is extensive and boundless.
The support system is known. I know who I can talk to about what, and not that everyone gets a different story- just different fragments. I am thankful that in the midst of all things that I have women in my life that I can just pour it all out to. It does not matter how long I complain or am dissecting one particular area. They listen. They see the ache for knowledge and growth, and in that moment they wait with and for me.
As I wrote before, last week Tex broke a long silence with a Text message. I continued to pray about this for days. It actually was the source of a lot of stress in my heart as I struggled with how I felt about the time I'd had to think and be quiet, what I wanted to say, did I want to say anything, and then of course was it possible to communicate and not be hurt. Saturday afternoon I had one of those days in which I was driven with something crazy in my head- the inability to let something go. I had it stuck in my head that I wanted Season Two of Pushing Daisies and Samantha Who on DVD. You may laugh. I had been watching Season One's of both shows and LOVED it. My attention span for TV has waned, but I was laughing and genuinely enjoying the experience. I colored. I crafted. I hung out researching business cards online. But when the time came for Season Two, I couldn't wait. I had to get to Walmart. They didn't have it. Then I thought "TARGET", they didn't have it. Then I thought, "BEST BUY". They didn't have it either. So instead I spent the 2 hours (all toll) in the car obsessing, thinking, then finally praying and surrendering my heart to the Lord regarding communicating with Tex. I came home and bought both things on Amazon for half the price used. I should have just done that first. But with the obsession and thought process: I got myself in the car, and I got myself before Jesus in a way I hadn't been able too in my own home. It was a blessing. A frustrating wonderful blessing.
I went to Church on Sunday morning unhappy. Like, I think if you saw me you'd think I looked pretty, but that my smile was unhappy. I struggled with this and as Essen spoke about the fruit of the spirit further in the Sermon Series, I just could not focus. I however did appreciate that in the body of his message I found some really tangible challenges. Love grows from Love. Peace grows from Peace. Forgiveness grows from Forgiveness.
I heard and wanted to cultivate all these things! I wanted these things to abound in my garden, and I was ready to let go of the weeds, the dying flowers, and the deep rooted hurts that have done nothing but destroy my potential landscape.
So among the congregation, I sat quietly to myself and knew that I was ready to break my silence with Tex and place a phone call. I was ready for the truth, his truth, and my truth- and I knew that if I continued to negate communication that I was not giving "our" truth an opportunity to grow, into something different then either of us expected.
I was pulling off my exit and was getting ready to place my phone call, when my phone rang and it was someone else entirely. I was beckoned to sit, be still, and listen. I was the life line needed in that moment for someone else in accountability, truth, encouragement, and love. I was able to cultivate so many messages from the morning in that phone call, and I hope dearly that my beloved friend knew tenderly that they were being loved with every fiber possible over the AT&T phone lines.
What that conversation did was bring forth the confidence I needed to remember that my value is not in who chooses to love me on this earth. The most divine opportunity I have is to utilize the love in which comes to me from Heaven, was brutally abused on a cross, and has taken residence in my heart. The growth that I am seeking has always been that of the Father, but now in this most heartbreaking place, I was able to step forward off a platform making a phone call knowing that I was ready, that I was a daughter of the beloved, and that I could stand strong and firm in a conversation with Tex seeking only to say hello- and that I could remain stable.
I placed the call and we talked. We laughed. Heartily and sincerely. He was a fountain of information about his week at Oakbridge, and we talked about his perspective on camping. Nothing was assumed on my part, I asked questions, and I asked if I could offer insight. It was a different voice. It was someone I didn't know I could be, yet I hoped would arrive. While the conversation did not once turn to issues between us in an emotional depth, it was an enriched conversation between two people who after not speaking for quite a while were both relieved that there was still yet, so much to say. Mostly I wanted to hear his voice, know how he was doing, and laugh. I got that. It wasn't cheap, and it wasn't easy. But I was ready, and being ready sometimes is less about what you are going to say, then about being prepared for what you might hear. We still know the fibers of conversation and each other, and I think what I was most thankful for was that in talking to him, I knew that we were real. We weren't some mythical day dreamed illusion in my head. In talking, laughing, and giving of some very sage advice, we were real, still. And sometimes in the midst of all that was loved and lost this year, I just want to know that we really loved each other.
I am not assuming that we will speak now often, or again. I am not placing another call, its not something I think about doing or am praying about. He said we will speak again soon, and if he calls I will answer, but I am not rushing anything. The boundaries I wanted to maintain are still in tact, I did not cry, I did not indulge him in anything specific. I truly, just listened. And, in that place of listening I was grateful.
To grow love we need to love.
To grow forgiveness we need to forgive.
To grow peace we need to exhibit peace.
To grow healthy communication, we need to be wise in understanding the time to be quiet, and then the time to speak.
What are you growing in your life?
I hope its as beautiful as your smile.
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