Brave

"It's Not Brave If You're Not Scared"

Bravery is the theme right now. The other week I was watching a movie and heard the quote from above. The movie was mediocre, I had seen it before- but the line struck a cord and I thought yes, its isn't brave if you aren't scared. A friend of mine recently posted a very short blog entry with the same running thought, about the brave little toaster. I got a letter in the mail from a friend telling me how they were praying for me, and they also used the word Brave- that I would be brave in patience and indecision. Finally, after having a conversation sorting some things out with a friend, I got a returned phone call. In a light fashion I was asked "Are you brave?", before they went on to tell me the purpose of the call.

I mention these things not to exclaim that I am brave in any capacity. It is not a trait I see in myself easily, and I feel like I am in a place right now where I can either operate in either fear and anxiety or that of trust and bravery. When I am completely honest with myself about how I'm doing right now, I can sense that I feel stronger, I feel more controlled, less manic... I feel very much like me. Unfortunately, at the same time I feel tired, I feel defeated, and I feel like moving on. I feel like my patience is small with some people, and I feel like I'm losing my mind a little bit. I have been more absentminded and just completely aloof recently then I know how to handle. It has been sort of funny, I have made myself and others laugh quite a bit... but seriously, what is going on?

I have random fears these days.

-I am scared that I will take the wrong job in the wrong place.
-I am scared that I will not be able to leave my house.
-I am scared that I am not listening to Christ enough, and responding to what has been so heavy on my heart.
-I am scared that I will never learn the balance of being busy and still.
-I am fear that I am not investing in the right people.
-I fear change even though I sense I am strangely addicted to it. Does that even make sense?
-I fear car accidents, and dying in one. I have always been fearful of this notion- its random but true.
-I fear that everything I want in my life is just waiting on me to change in ways that are impossible.
-I fear making plans, and setting dates and times for things because I know that I change my mind so much.
-I fear that I will never be as forgiving as I'm called to be, and the burden that places on my heart is enormous.
-I fear picking out the wrong shoes for the day, because I absolutely hate having uncomfortable footwear on.
-I fear being arrested for something... even though I do not break the law.
-I fear my computer crashing and losing things that I have neglected to back up.

Random. Some that are completely ridiculous and even make me laugh in some ways... others are just where I'm at, and what I'm fighting through! True, its not brave if you're not scared. Ever wonder if we are just always going to be scared in some capacity? How is that I can trust the God of the universe with such large things, but then have fears about car crashes, jail time, and computers?

Seriously. What is going on?