Sweet and Sour

"Your words are like weapons" -darren hayes

So. It's been a week, and I find myself in the Fairfield branch with not much to keep me occupied. My mind is running with things that I thought about last night before I eventually fell asleep, and awoke to them all over again in the morning hours of getting ready for work. I am wondering at this point how to turn them off, how to silent the machine inside that is screaming.

Sweet and Sour.
The Roles that we play.
Words that are funny.
Words that aren't.
When is enough, enough?

These are the random things that have been floating through my head recently. Last night there were exchanges of humor between a good friend and myself, mostly poking at my ridiculous scatter brained nature, which friends, I completely agree with: I lost my head a little bit. But when the fun and games turn into more of pointed jabs about things that are known to drive me crazy, what is to blame for the hurt feelings? My ears which heard jokes and got mad? Or the mouth that spoke them knowing full well they weren't going to be received well, but spoke them anyway?

Who is to blame?

The roles we play. I have been noticing the trends continue in my relationships. The pattern is similar, I am the younger sister that gets poked at and pushed much harder then realized. A moment later, I am the older sister that is pursued for conversation and insight... I challenge and I ask questions. One is very sour, and the other is very sweet. Sometimes I can effortlessly transition from one role to the other, but there are times when I just want to call a time out and say "CAN I PLEASE JUST REMAIN IN THE MIDDLE?". Truth is, I love my friends. I love that I can laugh with them, joke with them, encourage and pray for them. I cannot tell of my gratitude for the ways I know they serve me well and encourage me closer to Christ.

Which makes me feel kind of like an abused spouse. I equate and justify the sometimes obnoxious harassment with memories of complete and total love. My epiphany is not that this is happening, my moment is that I'm tired, and its exhausting. I'm tired of being told I'm too sensitive, or that I'm not any fun when I don't give the reaction someone was going for. I think I finally was able to see that in being quiet, I was operating in absolute fear. I started becoming afraid that if I swung back with the jokes and pokes I was receiving the cycle would not end, and that I wouldn't be able to handle what I heard back. So instead, I have found myself more quiet and trying to assert "this is ridiculous".

I do jab. I do poke fun. I am not without blame for jokes... but there is this gray area when hanging out sometimes. It's all fun and games for a good while, everyone is having a fabulous time- but then there are key jabs made that are out of a small handful of things that are known to drive me crazy... and the fun is over. I'm done.

Sweet and Sour. I know that our lives are like a tapestry being woven by the Creator. I know that the thread that holds it all together is divinely placed and chosen by the one who knows the bigger picture. The tapestry of this year has been intricate and delicate.

I have known great love this year.
I have been broken and picked up.
I have been pushed and guided.
I have been reminded my value is in Christ and not thoughts of man.
I have seen great distances from those I love, and I have been welcomed home.
There has been a lot of Sweet... I suppose in some ways I have been spoiled.
Do we appreciate it more because we have the Sour too?

I am calling a Time Out, because I fear that the thread of the friendships that have been operating in jokes and banter is causing the tapestry to unravel, and I just can't imagine my life without the Sweet they provide. Words are like weapons. They do wound sometimes. But they can heal. I think I finally started speaking the words that matter- the ones from the heart that want better, and is tired of the current status quo.

Growth to follow? We shall see.