like I understand everything I’m dealing with
first I was young, now it’s all just happening
and what about the way I said that
made you turn around and shake your head
like I don’t even know what I’m asking for
this could be all about just letting go
this could be all about just holding on
I can’t get my feet off of the ground
I wanna run but I don’t know how
can you reach down here and pull me out, can you pull me out, yeah
I wanna scream but there’s no sound
I wanna fly to you somehow
can you reach me here and pull me out, can you pull me out
remember when I was young and hungry,
I could take it in, without much money,
I had nothing at all but dreams and time to kill
and now I feel like I’m treading water
and I’m hardly real - I’m just trying harder
to make my way on the earth by standing still"
I am hanging out in my favorite bookstore in Lexington (KY), grabbing an hour to myself to write a few emails and write. I drove from Cincinnati today to Lexington, KY. I completed some errands I had lingering, and I went about my life here like I owned this city. I am now sitting here at a large round table looking out at a huge water fountain, just thinking about this place... this week... today.
I had a few versions of what today was going to look like, and possible plans. A few things got tweaked here and there, somethings completely got nixed, and now I'm just trying to be content with the plans at hand. At 7pm Laura and Shannon will walk in here and we will smile, hug, and share a meal together. After that, Laura, Michael, and I will be heading towards Louisville to meet up with Seth and Julie for a weekend of fun at the Berg house.
The above lyrics are from a song I listened to about a dozen times in the car on my way here. I think it could have been written from my journals, and letters I have written to those that I love. In the midst of choices, plans, and dreams... I have felt my feet stuck on the ground. My body and my schedule have been running separate- I've been running so fast, and I have been thinking so hard... that I think in some ways I seek for a hand to reach out to me, and pull me out.
The song below another song that I alternated between the one above.
I have a lot to say. I feel like I have been bottling up some ideas in order to guard my heart and protect those that desire knowing. I started talking the other day. Wednesday morning I shared a little snippet of what I'm thinking about. It was so small that it surprised me, when in the absence of the silence I was keeping, I felt a gaping hole wanting to gush with everything else. Instead of continuing the release, I found myself staring out the window and shifting around in the chair trying to get situated. I could only laugh when my friend noticed how uncomfortable I was. I left remaining that way, and I left stirred... I also left met where I was at, heard, and understood in the silences I maintained where only tears could speak. I think perhaps the tears were the loudest and truest things that I conveyed in the hour of conversation. I also left knowing that at the end of a 6 hour car ride I would be rewarded with the company of another great friend... and that was going to be fabulous.
I wrote today a note to someone important about the very familiar notion of emptying ourselves to be filled more of Christ. I'd like to think this is something that by sharing, and encouraging someone else towards that pursuit, I too will be able to continue purging my every sinful thought and selfish notion from my heart on the ground, and allowing Christ to be more of me. Allowing something more beautiful to be built on the ruins.
I am still working it out in my head. Slowing creeping closer to the edge I have in plain sight, its right there... and I'm getting ready to jump... I have caught myself leaning back and beginning the unstoppable force of the running start before the complete surrender into the air...
"Laying flat upon my back,
All the world in motion
Everything goes by so fast
I feel like I’m frozen
After all is said and done
Did I fail to mention
Everything I haven’t done
All my good intentions
This is my holy hour, this is my world on fire
This is my desperate play, this is where I am saved
I’ve no fear of height or depth
I’ve no fear of crashing
The single thing I fear the most
Simply feeling nothing
This is my holy hour, this is my world on fire
This is my desperate play, this is where I am made
This is my kingdom come, this is my freedom song
This is my helpless state, this is where I am saved
Let my ruins become the ground you build upon
Let my ruins become the start
Let my ruins become the ground you build it on
From what’s left of my broken heart"
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