wanting & needing

I like nice things. I like Apple products, Tiffany's, Starbucks, nice hotels... name brand aluminum foil- not the cheap stuff... there are countless other things. I don't need nice things, I would be able to live a very happy life without them and enjoy the lesser valued versions. However, I do believe the Apple makes better products, nice hotels have better beds, and Reynolds wrap is far superior to that of Kroger brand.

When I think about what I need in my life, for basic operation and health none of those things above are relevant necessities. I understand this, I know it, and I try really hard to let go of my association with nice things with personal joy and success.

Wanting and needing at one point in a friendship I grew up with became one and the same. Through the years of adolescent strife and grief, we knew that we wanted our friendship to be successful and healthy- but that we also needed it. We needed each other, and were not afraid to affirm in each other that truth. Somewhere along the way in life though, we don't often think of relationships that way- we are independent, we are capable, all we need is Jesus, etc... when did needing someone in your life become a crutch? or a negative emotional co dependence?

Last night there was a scene in Grey's Anatomy in which Dr. Hunt repeated over and over again to Christina "I don't need you", he then preceded to kiss her. I had a friend this week tell me that they didn't need my friendship in their life, but they couldn't imagine life without it. I was recently asked "What do you want?" in respect to life debates and questions- and after I answered was followed up with, "What do you need?". This word, "need" continues to come up this week.

All that to say I have thought an awful lot about what it is that I want in my life, but also very much about what I need, and more importantly, who. I know that I want goodness, encouragement, support... I want to continue to grow in my relationship with Christ. I want good people in my life, and I want to allow myself to be vulnerable with them so that we can grow. I want a roof over my head, and I want to feel safe in my own skin. I always tend to want more-- of everything.

Essentially, I know that I need only Jesus. Under that banner, all my other earthly needs are provided: food, water, and shelter. Beyond that my heart is given much more- I have been given amazing family and friends to love and carry me through this life with accountability, laughter, and support in prayer.

I am in a place right now that I have come through a difficult patch on the road, and I'm very aware that my wants and needs are the same. I have struggled with admitting this out loud, and I struggle because I sense that others in my life wouldn't necessarily say the same thing. My perspective right now is skewed. Wanting and Needing are aligned.

I want some people in my life...but the truth of those relationships? I know that right now, I need them. And I know in my heart that feeling that way, isn't a bad thing.