Two Words Plus One

During a dinner a few weeks ago my great friend Jamie challenged me to describe him in two words. I sat thoughtfully for most of dinner trying to determine what the words I would pick out of so many to consequently "define" him. I finally came up with my two, and then he proceeded to tell me the two he chose for me. What I liked most about this exercise in articulation was that I appreciated his explanation for his two for me, Willing/Faithful, and Driven. He cheated. He merged two words into one... I allowed the cheat because I liked so much what he had to say about why. I was then instructed to chose one word for myself.... after careful thought I picked 'expressive'. He agreed that it was a wise choice. 

We left that dinner and I didn't expect that the words he chose would remain on my mind, or that I would think of them during random moments at work or in general life- they way that they had. I found comfort in his explanations and found rest for the way that he saw me. I placed the napkin on which the words were scribbled, on the fridge. I look at them daily and smile.  

I recently have been struck by a question I heard between two fictional characters on television, "How do you think I see you?". I began to think of those in my life that I care for well, and that I have allowed into my heart... and thought about the vulnerability that exists in being emotionally open and uncensored. How truth spoken from us about our thoughts and feelings... our inner fears and dialogues changes the stage in which we stand with those that are there to listen. How does their image of us change in the truth they become witness to? And for the control freak that I am, how does knowing that image changes as I become more real, present freedom in expression, or fear in being known?

I had a conversation with a friend of mine the other day that I never intended having. I never intended speaking that thought and scenario of "How do you See Me?" out loud. I didn't want to know. Once I began talking about it, the more I couldn't stop myself from sharing. I know at the end of the day that this friend I was speaking to knows my heart, knows my facial expressions, knows my body language better then I do at times (that's a hard admission: but it's true and we know it). When you have someone in your life that can do those things, how do you talk yourself out of the fear that comes with, are we still the ideal versions to them as we were in the beginning before there was so much at stake? Or do we mean more? Is their true sight of us something we run from, but at the same time wish that everyone knew us that way? Is the true Great Escape in those that we are able to stand before and be completely us, without reservation? Is it knowing that we need them? Not that we want to have great people in our lives... but that we actually Need them. 

This whole thought process began with two words chosen for me, plus one of my own. It continued into the sight seen, and worrying if the emotional person I am is viewed as a basket case or train wreck. It concludes in the suggestion Mary had at my birthday dinner last night for everyone to share something about me that they appreciated, Matt began thinking it meant one word, so others followed suit. I was described in a handful of words. More then two plus one. 

The last friend to go was Jamie, and he said Willing. After our conversation on Sunday night talking about an impending move that he was encouraging me to pursue, I can see why he would stand by Willing. My heart is wide open. My heart is Willing.

Today. The day after my birthday, my heart returns to Willing. I think of many other things that I heard... and many other sentiments spoken in cards, eye winks, and gifts. When I survey the birthday celebration I can see how I am known intimately well by a handful of special people here. From the selection of granola and fruit for dessert frozen yogurt, Yahtzee from a fellow competitor, to quiet moments sitting and talking with those I share a deep bond. 

Being seen has lived in words. It has lived in glances. It has lived in touches. It has lived in playful pushes. It has lived in pictures printed on canvas. And it has lived in those that see 'me', fighting for me regardless of how much struggle I present in my growth. 

How do you see me? I pray it is a reflection of this heart pursuing Christ. I pray that you are able to recognize the me that those who know the complete me see. 

"I need you.

Everyone needs someone like you...

If you need me too, 

You would be the only thing I'd take, 

On my Great Escape"