Failure and Love

"Though I may fail you, I will never walk away from you."

"You bring out the worst in me but it’s the side I need to see
And through the conflicts and the difference and damage done
We are strong and still are one
You will fail me, you will fail me again and again and again
And I will fail you, I will fail you again and again and again
Again and again and again
But we will learn to love in spite of failure
Yes we will learn to love because of failure"

I have always made Apple Pie's at Thanksgiving. My family has requested them, and I have been able to contribute to the assortment of Holiday Eating's with my masterfully crafted pastry crust and apple filling. On Saturday I made a pie. I ignorantly changed the recipe a little bit and opted to try a different crust. It was edible, and it was good- but it was not great... it was not MY apple pie. Not satisfied with this failed attempt at baking, yesterday I made my second apple pie. It was in fact delicious, and I even dropped by my dad's house last night and gave him a hearty slice of the decadent dessert. My heart could rest after the completion and tasting of the successful pie creation.

I have always been particular to details and successes. Recently I have begun to understand more acutely how my perfectionism can get away from me, and cause me to be unsatisfied and paralyzed in creative areas of my life. I am not someone who fails easily or well, and yet I am constantly faltering, I am not perfect. I have running lists for the mail I would like to send- that never gets a stamp, I have plans for gifts that are never completed, I have pride rooted in being "right" even though I am often wrong... and I have illusions that I am composed and collected, when I know truly I am a running mess of emotion and conflict.

I am coming to terms with my failures. I am coming to grips with what they mean, and how I can grow from them- not to be perfect, not to be better... but to be able to surrender more of myself to the mercy of Christ so that they will be redeemed... so that I will be changed. What continues to pick away at the walls I have created is the desire to be known, to be vulnerable. I am tired of maintaining relationships based on the needs of those I care about, that allow me to remain protected. I have sought in the past couple of years friendships that are rooted in mutual respect, mutual faith, and mutual love. In this quest for truer relationships I have found the greatest examples of love in my life. I sense the Father's touch in theirs, and I have found peace in words spoken seeking to ease my aching heart.

When I think about the people that mean the absolute most to me, those that I would go to the ends of the earth for, and not because their love required it- but because my love for them would go wherever needed. I think about one friend in particular and how in our friendship I have learned a tremendous about communication, the need to be open with what matters in our hearts, and how to hold each other to that truth even if it means it hurts. Because of them I have seen the worst sides of myself, and I have been shown realities I had worked long and hard at avoiding. Like the above lyric says, "you bring out the worst in me, but its the side I need to see", this friend has done that simply by being who they are. Together we have had to work through insecurities, doubt, and fears- all leading back to whether the other one of us would walk away from our friendship, or be replaced... not because what we share is broken or because it is dysfunctional... simply because we have worked along and moved past the superficial walls that are placed, we have laughed, and we have cried together- there is so much more at stake now then when we first became friends... the risk is so much greater. We have and will continue to fail each other. Having Christ a focus in our friendship, we have also learned how to be stronger, and how to love in spite of and because of those failures.


I know that those that I love will fail me. What started as wanting to love others before myself, was taken to a dark place in wanting to avoid abandonment. Fear of being left. Fear of being thought no longer worth knowing. If we always put the needs of others before ourselves, without sharing our hurts and our hearts with them, we are only creating walls that are impossible for others to see. We project the illusion we desire, and not the true essence of who we are... and who we are really- the beaten, the broken, the joyful, the triumphant are the real reflections of Christ and His love for us. It makes me sad to look back on so many moments I failed at showing my true self, and in turn not revealing the mercy and grace I have glad fully taken from the Lord but yet not boasted in His goodness- simply because I didn't want others to see the hurt and in turn leave.