tradition.

Christmas Joy.

Christmas Spirit.

It's everywhere.

When I was little I remember begging my grandfather to play my favorite of his extensive collection Christmas Carol records on the player in our living room. I would sit on the pristine white carpet leaning up against the couch looking at each record jacket memorizing every detail, and listening to the songs on repeat. This was also paired with the viewing of kids classic Christmas movies, that were finally purchased on VHS because I requested renting them so often.

Our family has always had its share of Holiday Traditions. They range from Christmas Pajama's on Christmas Eve (EVERY year), the double doors closing off the living room until everyone was awake and then being opened the most elaborate display of of presents, opening stockings pre-breakfast, then pancakes for the meal, and everyone having their turn going around opening a gift and appreciating the moment. At one point there were four siblings, two parents, one grandparent, one dog, and one cat. The spectacle that was Christmas was eventful and rich in tradition. For several years I saw the tree in Rockefeller Center and enjoyed the window displays at Macy's. Growing up in New England always provided the hope for a snow dusted Christmas morning... and snuggling up with the dog with a blazing fire place to keep the day warm and comforting. 

Families change. Elements of tradition evolve into something new. I have many feelings about how all these changes have impacted the traditions in which I had latched onto in my childhood.

How to appreciate what you have and not compare it to what you remember... now that is the trick. Working Retail for many a Holiday Season my mind was very preoccupied with what I was doing in the work place, that reflecting on changes within my family were not of the highest thought priority. These days are different. I am not working 60 hours in Retail preparing for the rush of Black Friday or the Post Christmas returns and clearance sales. I am being bombarded with images of decorations, and my radio always seems to include some sort of Holiday melody. 

Christmas is everywhere. I appreciate that there are things that I grew up with that continue, despite the ever distant location of each member of my family. I am thankful that I still receive Christmas pajamas... that breakfast is still hot and delicious before a single gift is opened. I am thankful that my mom still has the stocking that I grew up with, and that my dad will still watch a Christmas Story with me. Somethings don't have to change. New traditions are created, and new memories are made.

Yet... my heart desires very much to be a little girl that would make so much noise in the house that her older brothers would have to wake up far earlier then they planned so that we could get the 'show' going... my heart still desires to watch "my ornaments" make their way front in center on the tree- you know the ones that you make in Elementary school with glitter, glue, and Popsicle sticks? I wish I could smell my grandfather making his coffee in the morning, and see him standing there in his plaid pajama pants- leather fleece lined slippers, and a Santa hat on his head. With my siblings all over the place, and my parents living their own separate lives I wish still to wake up one house... as one unit sitting around the breakfast table- with the anticipation mounting for the great reveal of gifts under the tree. 

This year, like the past 10 are different. I am approaching a crossroads where the amount of time I lived in the midst of childhood rooted memories is about to be less then the new traditions created in the changes in my family. I am not sure how I feel about that quite honestly. I look forward to having a family of my own, children of my own to instill things about the Holiday's that I loved growing up... and how a new cycle of love and celebration for Baby Jesus being born in a Manger will create new memories and new traditions. I know however, that I can't extend my reach for the future and hold onto the goodness that exists in the now, even if its different... even if it changed ten years ago. I need to appreciate the tradition I have, the moments I have.