Change.

On shuffle a gift came the other day, a song I've never listened to that was tucked away for a special introduction-- and so it has become the latest current obsessed song on the iPod. I am working my way through things that I cannot change, wouldn't change, and have to change. I made a large step last week in talking about an area in my life that was hurting. I allowed others to see the pain, and I think in more ways then I could ever understand at the time- it meant that I was showing myself how real it was, and how I needed to let it go in a way that I thought I already had. Keeping things inside will do that, you will run in circles and after you've exhausted yourself you stop thinking so much about it. I think for myself when I stop thinking so much, I fool myself into believing its because I've moved on, forgiven, or let go completely... when really something else has just taken the spot of attention for awhile. The band aid came off, and what was exposed was not just the truth of a situation- but also the heart issue below the surface.

I cannot change choices I've made... I have to let them go.
I need to learn how to forgive those things.
In time I will continue to learn how to love what I cannot change.
But, I will change.

It started with talking. The movement continued in saying goodbye to something important to me that was hurting. In its place came perspective that we are always making choices, and how one choice can impact a whole slurry of things that we would never think are connected. I'm thankful I started talking, and I'm thankful that in doing so the burden to carry it was not left on my own shoulders. The weight was shared. While with being vulnerable comes fear, and panic-- when I was able to get through those things... what was left was something sturdy, something true... there was freedom. And I wouldn't change that, for anything.

What I Cannot Change
L.Rimes

I know what makes me comfortable
I know what makes me tick
And when I need to get my way I know how to pour it on thick
Cream and sugar in my coffee
Right away when I awake
I face the day and pray to God I won't make the same mistakes
Oh the rest is out of my hands

I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

I don't know my Father
Or my Mother well enough
Seems like every time we talk we can't get past the little stuff
The pain is self inflicted
I know it's not good for my health
But it's easier to please the world than it is to please myself
Oh the rest is out of my hands

Right now I can't care about how everyone else will feel
I have enough hurt of my own to heal

I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can