How many times have I loved something or someone before I understood or knew what it meant?
I am song oriented. I am obsessed with the written lyric, and the way that the melody is just meant for it. I never just drive by a sunset without noticing it, and I'm learning how to pay attention to see more rainbows. Where I am is not where I was and who I am is not who I was. There are places in my heart that I have taken four steps back, and in other areas I am moving right along at a nice pace... a healthy one. All of these random thoughts do make sense, they are connected I promise.
In making choices about where I am going in the future, a few weeks ago I made the largest one. I decided to not decide. I put on the shelf the destination and associated a time frame in which I can handle and I left the thought there. I decided the choice to go could not be made in wisdom if I refused to appreciate and live my life here. This notion has been easier in some moments, and much harder in others. I have voices that continually ask me what I think, what I want to do, and challenge me in being content in the workplace. The shelf that I put the pressure and anxiety on is sturdy, and I know where it is. I know that there will be times I will be before it removing all that I've trusted there, and I know that there's a possibility I won't be able to handle it on my own and I will freak out.... again. But I also know that not holding it so closely, and not having it mean so much right now will allow me to open up and grow in ways necessary... so maybe, just maybe when I know that the aching in my heart is not just a fantasy I will be able to chose it confidently, take it off the shelf and not look back.
I have always loved rainbows. I have loved rainbows since I was a little girl, for the simple beauty and marvel of them. I did not know then that they were a sign of God's promise. I loved them before I understood or knew what they meant. My love increased when I could appreciate that the Lord is with me, and that the rainbow is a gift to me, as much as it was to Noah back in the day.
I have always been drawn to Independence. I didn't know when I was younger what it meant in responsibility to get older, I just loved that it meant freedom. I was obsessed with the passing of each year, and the freedoms I would get to enjoy once 'of age'. Independence, I did not understand meant something more then learning how to drive, graduate High School, or making a mortgage payment. Now, living a life financially secure and separate from my parents, I find my perspective on Independence change as I've learned that dependence on particular things is important... I can't do it all solo- my youth wasn't some race to be free and on my own... it was really the road to understand that while I am my own person, I am a child of the King- and my dependence on Him is what I have to wake up everyday and continue to surrender. I loved Independence before I understood what it meant, and now in maturity I love it still because I can see how slippery a slope it can be, but how at the end of each day my freedom is in Christ and not in my own agenda.
Each day is new. Each day I wake up on the right side of the bed after I've told Gracie to get down. I don't know what would happen if I chose the left side... I think Gracie would be so confused. There are days when I get dressed and go to work. There are days when I have a misc. to do list in the house. Recently there are more days in which I have found myself sitting at my desk working on my pictures, and figuring out how to sell them. For the past three weeks every day I have listened to the same play list. It starts with an Alanis song titled "Not As We". She is a wordy and poetic song writer and so it took some time before I could really grasp what she was trying to convey in her melody. I knew that I loved the song. I loved the sound, and I loved the way it moved my heart. I loved it in these ways before I understood what it meant.
Last night when I was driving home I did something very unlike me... I did not listen to the radio or my iPod. I drove between 113 Houston Street and 34 White Oak Lane without a single sound from my stereo. For a mile or two I just drove, it was almost midnight and I was tired. But then I started talking. It wasn't because I was afraid of the silence, or because I like the sound of my own voice so much. It was because it was time to have a conversation with Jesus that my heart had been holding captive and away from the Savior... because I was afraid of what He might say. I said a lot in the car, it was a meaningful and it was honest. What I found myself asking was for Day One. A new start in some areas of my life that I'm struggling with. I prayed that I would be able to let go of thoughts, regrets, relationships, and dreams that are holding me back.
Not a single song was on my radio. I have thought often that Jesus lives in the radio, as I've felt spoken to many times when listening to the eclectic mix that I have no control over. I have had friends laugh with me about this, and I've had friends experience those moments of "seriously, 3 times I have to hear this song tonight?". While its cheesy and an over used term, the song that I heard in an otherwise silent car, was one from my heart and it was not what I thought it would sound like. It was new, it was different. I don't understand it, and I don't know what the lyrics meant- but I love it. I love it like I loved rainbows as a little girl, how I love dependence on Christ now- even if it find it impossible for me to do that well, and I love it like I love "Not As We"... now that I understand what that song means.
The song I heard in my heart was a collection of moments, conversations, and looks. Those moments you can't forget. The conversations that are you just standing still before a friend as you've exposed your hurt... when the reply has only been your name over and over again, and that 'its ok'. The looks in making someone laugh simply in their enjoyment of who you are. I heard something that I loved. And that was knowing that Day One is any day I chose it, and going forward as I, means leaving all those hurts, distractions, relationships that keep me further from Christ and who I'm supposed to be behind. Those are the "We's". Today for me, has meant, calming the shivering I have when I'm nervous in a difficult conversation, starting again, from scratch... in the silence I hear my name over and over again, and it says "It's Ok".
Not As We by Alanis Morissette
Spat out on new terrain
Unsure, unconvincing
This faint and shaky hour
Gun-shy and shivering
Tear it without a hand
Feign brave with steel intent
Little and hardly here
Day one, day one
Start over again
Step one, step one
I'm barely making sense
For now I'm faking it
'Til I'm pseudo-making it
From scratch, begin again
But this time I as I,
And, not as we...
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