Life this morning looks distinctly different then when I was last in this airport departing for Oregon and even different then my return back on Monday morning. Suffice it to say that I may be confused about the future and what the good Lord has planned I have learned a tremendous amount this week about love, Godly pursuit, and how without Christ's blood and love as the glue- nothing ever truly holds together.
I wish I could say that considering myself a mature Christian, that I was in fact mature. I think my immaturity in this regard has shown its true colors and I have found myself often this week on my knees to the Father repenting for the ways that I was too quick to speak, or was too burdened in silence. How He calls us to SHARE our lives, to Glorify HIM in the seams of it, and yet when I am scared or troubled I act much like the young girl trying to survive hard family dynamics and turmoil. I recently said to Tex and my good friend Sandy that I didn't want to simply feel like I was surviving life, but that I wanted to LIVE it. In doing so I recognize that there are things that I am in bondage too, and lies that I submit to believing because I am not able to gather the perspective enough that God's love is eternal and more then ENOUGH for me. That who I am in this life should be a reflection of my pursuit of His truth more then Satan's, and that to become refined and molded in His image means that I have to die more to myself then I think is physically/emotionally possible: every second of every day.
It's crazy that after years of loving Jesus, we can be so foolish at times and with other people's hearts and thinking we've got something covered and nailed. We are foolish to think that the sins of our parents, or our peers do not bleed into our own psyche and we are left making decisions in haste that we never would have considered if focused clearly and directly on Christ. However, we have to let them go. We can't quit. We need to focus on what matters most- and that is we are living, choosing, and giving ourselves to Love every day.
At the end of this travel day, which will place me in a time zone 12 hours AHEAD of EST, landing me in Beijing at 3-something am to me, but in the afternoon to them... I will be serving. What an interesting place in my spirit to be in this moment, and I am continually thankful that the good Lord has reminded me of His perfection this week in my complete and absolute imperfection.
Because I will be in China I will not be able to write this way for two weeks, but I will be updating it regularly with the help of my great friend Kerri. I'm hoping to email back a picture or two so she can post them for me, and will be able to keep the blog updated with anecdotes and stories of those children I will be loving for my time away.
My prayer is that I am able to remember things of truth in the coming weeks as I continue to give my heart in service and to Christ to be changed and molded in huge/life giving ways. I know that we become a reflection of what we think and believe, and I am praying sincerely that my mind will be filled with the promises of redemption, forgiveness, and resolve. To not continue to cycles, abuses, or lies of the past but to take each day and moment as a new opportunity to be more whole and purposed in Jesus.
Amen.
Love you. To the moon and back.
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