Miss Independent

I am more independent then the Kelly Clarkson song. Fact is I have always been that way. When I think of my childhood and I think of my relationships there is a consistancy to them all. I wish I could break down in one little blog entry all the reasons and moments I learned that being independent more was more important then just... being one with the Father and allowing all the chips to fall as they might. Instead I have always stood in Faith with one hand gripping tightly onto Christ, and the other wanting to let go of the shore and just set sail-but holding onto my self reliance instead.

It's strange in the same moment however I absolutely love people. I love community. I love relationships. I have some of the most amazing people in the whole world in my life. I have made choices for these people, and I have fought wildly and sometimes blindly in my love for them.

Which makes me perhaps the most complicated conflicting combination of personalities.

I have learned recently however that in pursuing my feelings for another it has meant more about me letting go of the shore that I manically desire/control, and allowing said hand to reach out and grasp someone else's. In dating the best friend of all time, you'd think that this would be an easy task. The trust, the friendship, the vulnerability has been instilled and built on for nearly 3 whole years. This would be the most natural place, person, and change to make.

However, I have found myself balking at the risk- me, the romantic, the communicator, the emotional and sappy one, is living on the Island of Independence and its time my friends to leave this Island. The moment of realization is not that I have to leave for my relationship alone, but mostly because it is what the Lord is calling me to do. I can travel the world countless times, and I can see the sun set over different oceans and lands- but my deepest desire has and always will be, to be known... to cry before another that knows that their only motion should be to place their hand over mine and listen.

I have that.

I am learning how to be real and vulnerable in my desire for intentional relationship, and also still be strong- not mistaking interdependence for weakness, but instead seeing the way in which Christ has fabricated our lives to be loved, and sharpened by each other to know and seek Him more then we were on our own.

I'm fortunate that this journey is one with the best friend of all time, and in that place I want to most grow and be made vulnerable is for one I know has already placed his hand over mine, and listened.

I am growing. I am learning.

The freedom here, I know will be worth it.

Love.Love.

Kar