Enduring. Surviving.

"You're a bird who's been in a cage all your life, and suddenly all the walls are gone. And you're in the wide open, you're so afraid you're looking for anyway back into the cage again. Whatever you choose to think now, its not safer there. Even if you tried to go back now I don't think you could survive that way again. He was right. She knew he was. She had reached the end of enduring. But what if she couldn't fly?" ~redeeming love


In several ways I have operated in a cage. Not quite sure if the open air was safe enough to live in. I have invited others in to my cage and there we have huddled together. And then there are a very select few, that when I am with them I am free. I am myself. But there is always a war in my heart- and unfortunately I have often been afraid of losing myself in love and community that I have quietly placed back the wires, returned to my cage, and shut the small door- waiting for more secure weather.

In January I reached my breaking point in some facilities and I could not handle the breaking heart in my body for the suffering I was witnessing. I was in Florida visiting my family and hanging out with friends, and I was broken for the hurt and struggle I witnessed in my sister. It was the first time in my entire life that I could not handle it. At war in my heart was the old way I dealt with things- busy busy, happy happy, don't talk about what I was thinking/feeling, quiet down, walls up. And then there was the way that has grown most- the invitation. The offering of things true and burdened so that I can be loved. The war of the past won, and I wanted to go home. I didn't want to go to Disney World (craziness), and everything after the defeat wasn't good enough and I was miserable. There was no love. For me, there was nothing left.

When I got back to Virginia I realized that this was not good, and I started meeting with a fantastic family therapist with a healthy, upward perspective. I went every week. I never cried, I just talked. What I heard come out of my mouth were things and recognitions that I had ignored for my entire life, and the best part of what I was learning was that I was to be known. To be open. To speak what I thought and felt. To give my own thoughts and feelings value. That is such a struggle for me.

I stopped going regularly because I was hanging out in Ohio, Kentucky, and Oregon while not moving anywhere. It was crazy. I don't know what I was thinking. Anyway, my point is that I returned to Connecticut before I went to Oregon to help prepare Krystal's wedding. I was like the lost broken girl in Florida. I was beaten down by my own expectations, and I was listening and supporting and loving my sisters during that week. I was tired. I missed my dog, I missed my life in Virginia, and most of all- I could not articulate that I most of all missed Me. For me, again, there was nothing left.

I was back to surviving. I was back to the war I lost in January, and I lost it again. I forgot what I had learned in therapy and I was back in the cage.

In China because the call is love, and because the only way to show love is to be honest, and vulnerable I have found myself outside of the cage. I am living for 12 days in community pursuing the same purpose, and functioning part of a team I just met. They know the baggage I left at home, and they ask questions about my past. But carefully and tenderly I have found myself out of the miserable comfort of the cage, and I am here... I am me. And sometimes I am scared of flying, and sometimes I don't want to fly alone... and sometimes I don't even know where I am flying to... but the space outside the confinement has been liberating.

Jesus causes everything to work together. I too often forget this powerful message.

We are meant to live outside the walls. Our lives are meant to be beacons of light for those living in the darkness. We are supposed to fall on our knees broken in seeing the world for what it is, but rise again in joy and hope.

What made me think that I was not worth taking the time to understand that the cage was killing me?
Why did I know in January that enough was enough, but then in May forget what learned in the short time I spoke with someone?
How could I quit me, and yet expect that no one else would?
When did I choose the wrong fight, and how was it possible I never saw it?

My life has been a fantastic adventure. I have seen so much and I have done so much more then I could ever fully express gratitude for. I have been the envy of Pat, whom has often said she'd give anything to travel without commitments, family, children, etc... to give her life and love in pursuit of truth around the globe. I am lucky. I would never trade it. Perhaps for the first time in my life I am dealing with things that have hurt me in the past and I am trying to reconcile them in my heart to allow healing to come. But when it didn't come fast enough, I got scared it never would, and so I began managing myself instead of giving myself to the only one who could help me. He ends the cycle. I can't. I don't have the touch. It hasn't worked, and it never will.

The cage. It's not safer inside of it. I am in the most vulnerable and open space I have ever been in. At home I have family and friends who were cautious about my time in China, but also completely convinced I was going to learn great things. I left with their encouragement, and I knew in my heart that being away in this moment was the best plan and purpose. With a week left, I can confidently say that my relationship with Jesus is eternally changed.

I am loving on children who are confined by the walls of this facility for their care and for the nurturing of their spirits. I am meeting people who cannot sing, dance, and be liberated in their love of the Lord. I am meeting people who are living in joy, and yet are completely confined by the restrictions placed on them. They do not have a choice to remain in a cage, but my goodness- they fly.

I will never forget this aspect of this trip.

Freedom comes. I have seen glimpses of it this year, and I am learning how to win the war that wages. I am going to lose sometimes, but I am encouraged because I can reflect on times that this battle has been waging and I have won because I have understood who is my sword and where to rest my wings.

My future is going to be a fantastic adventure. I am so excited. I have never felt maternal- but my goodness, this week has pulled and ignited a love that I didn't know I had. I have been scared of commitment, of being vulnerable, of being known. I have been so scared of making the wrong choice, being with the wrong person- that I have forgotten that in choosing truth, I can rest. So while I wait still, I wait differently. Marriage will come someday, and so will a family. I know now what I am waiting for is worth it, and I know that being an advocate for myself, and flying in joy and freedom that the adventure to come will surpass every stamp in my passport. I came to China really confused, really hurt, really scared, and really unsure. I will be leaving China filled with gratitude and love- and insatiable desire to fight for what I believe is true, and that true love always wins, never quits, is patient, encourages, and that my life is meant to be shared, lived, loved, and flown with others.


What is your cage?
Where do you live?
Are you safer there? Have you reached the end of enduring?

Loves.
An adventure waits. The rain, the sun, the storms and the rainbows... the sun is going to rise. I promise.

The cage. Is gone. The wings are in motion.

Let's go.