garden.

In the book "The Shack" there are many legitimate theological debates. There are those who feel very strongly about those debates and will discredit the imagery and imagination found in the pages. I read it almost two years ago in the midst of a trip to California with the Boys. At the time (and this statement writes like a broken record), I was just really struggling. Days before the trip I stood in my kitchen with Matt and Tex and just randomly lost it about every last thing that I was upset about. The core of that issue was not that I was just struggling, it took me over a month to articulate the truth of the matter to Tex in the car on the way back from Thanksgiving weekend in Ohio/Kentucky. I had made a poor decision in a friendship, and I crossed a boundary that I had been hurt by in the past, thinking that it didn't matter. However, it did matter and in the end I did damage to my heart and had to let go of the friendship.

While sitting on a plane to return to the East Coast October of 2008 I read a poignant part of The Shack which I have carried with me since. Now, please excuse me as I butcher this retelling, but this is what I remember from it and what mattered to me. Mack, the main character arrives to the shack in the woods and is outside with a transcendent deity that works in the garden. In Mack's opinion the garden is a haphazard mess, to which the deity exclaims in joy "yes! I love it". There is no organization, rhyme or reason for what is being cultivated in the garden in Mack's eyes. Yet, he obeys and together Mack and the Spirit clear out a particular section and rework some areas. In the wrapping up and unveiling of the trinity and deity of Christ in the book we learn that the Holy Spirit was working in the garden, and that the mess and unconventional beauty in the horticulture is really Mack's own heart- and during their time together Mack and the Holy Spirit created space for what was to come. While the book is filled with poignant imagery, it has been this description that has made the longest impression.

Our hearts are gardens. They are a beautiful combination of sunflowers, roses, and even some overgrown plants and weeds. I admit that I have resented the process of growing and that I have stifled the pruning. I too often try to control what gets planted and how fast it grows, and in other times when I am focused on what matters- I wait patiently for what I know to be true, to come. I wish I could say that upon its arrival I believe it naturally and easily. I have found myself more comfortable in the waiting at times then I have in the vulnerability required in accepting something prayed for in trust and thanksgiving.

China was different. I left with some big questions and I left with some definite preoccupations of the heart and mind. There were moments in days that beckoned the voice of only one person, or comfort (and even times when I did not know whose voice I wanted to hear, or what comfort I desired... I just wanting something). What was created in the wanting was space. What arrived to fill that space was the Lord. I was able to take some inventory of my heart, and I searched it. I paused before areas that I could recognize the beauty, blessings, and growth of my life and I was silent in gratitude. And I stood in the wake of change in my heart and I started a conversation, and I prayed for discernment and courage.

I thought, prayed, wrote, was silent, and talked my way through my experience at New Day with those on my team, and others that I met there. I went to bed early each night, and I woke up early each morning. I wrote in my Moleskine, and I wrote in emails. I decided to be transparent and honest when writing my blog and prayer email updates. I began to live what I felt I was being taught, and that was that we are meant to be known. That God's love, light, and Grace are to be shared in the truth of our lives- the good the bad the ugly. When we live in joy regardless of our circumstances, our Father in Heaven is glorified.

The garden in my heart was able to be transformed because I understood that the mess was going to be used to grow and change me. I made room for what was to come because I was able to let go of what was. There was no television to watch, cell phone to answer, or magazine to read. Every action, every motivation was focused simply on loving kids in China for Jesus, while understanding my voice could not describe it in articulating theology.

Right now I am sitting in the cottage my family has rented in Mystic, Ct for the week to celebrate Jon and Krystal getting married on Sunday. I arrived back to the States after a 36 hour travel day that was the worst experience flying to date. I was up for almost 48 hours straight before I forced myself to go to bed last night, and then I woke up 4 hours later. I sit here in this chair and my mind wanders and I am grateful. I didn't know how I would feel getting back, and I didn't know how I would feel after talking to some important people in catching up and reconnecting. Now that those things have past I can see how the Lord was preparing in my heart a place to listen and speak upon arrival. I knew that I couldn't let what I learned live only in China, and I could not keep my feelings locked away. Yesterday I came home, and I was able to invite. I was vulnerable and I was honest, and in doing so I was able to share the garden of my heart and I invited those I love to sit with me and talk... and I was able to listen. Yet my hearing was infused with clarity from Christ and I was able to rest.

I will always imagine my time abroad recently a lot like Mack going to work in His garden. It wasn't a dream sequence and it was hard. But in the time and space and commitment to pray I was able to appreciate that everything that has happened has worked for a purpose and that I could not have gotten to this place without it. That what I perceive to be a ridiculous jumbled mess is considered beauty in the eyes of the Creator- whom is always doing a work in my heart and life.

The garden. A composition of overgrown and perfectly manicured horticulture. Thankful for the work of the Master in it, but also for the ability to invite you in and sit awhile with me here.