Productivity

Today after lunch Pat and I took a walk into the village and we shared about our lives and what holds our hearts attention at home (Pat is a lawyer in Charlotte, was married 10 years and has a 15 year old son- and believe it or not lived in Ridgefield for 6 months during a job relocation 15 years ago). We spent the last part of the walk talking about India and she invited me to take a trip with her there this fall to spend time sightseeing but mostly to serve and volunteer in a specific capacity. My response was classic, "I don't have plans for the fall", but I did say that I needed a job and I needed to list my house to sell. We agreed that I needed do those things, but come September she would contact me about booking a flight to Bombay. This cracked me up. I would not be surprised in the slightest bit if in November to celebrate my birthday I took a service related trip to India, AND pursued some business opportunities as she has encouraged me to pursue my art. It's a crazy story. But the short of the long of it is, we took a walk into a small isolated village outside where we are and by the time we returned I began to sense a part of my heart that has being aching and dying in recent months- the productive and proactive inspired part. The part of me that has been on hold "waiting" to see what was going to happen, that has I think in many ways killed a lot of what makes me healthy. Those aspects of my mind are being rekindled and restored here in China. I still have an action plan for my return to Virginia in July, but I am hopeful that it will accomodate a trip to the land of elephants, camels, and culture I have only dreamed of meeting come this fall.
I know that it was ultimately my choice to not move to Indianapolis this March. I know that I am my own person and I made the best decision I could in the midst of a really significant change in my life: the committed relationship with Tex. I remember him saying it was a leap of faith, and I knew and believed in the moment it was the right choice. However, since then I have rethought it many times, and I wish I knew then what I know for certain now. I know that we are not what we do, and that we are defined more by how who we love, serve, and the authenticity of the breathes we take in whom we honor. I realize that it has been my choice to maintain my schedule and time away from home. I was so afraid of the pressure and stress living in my house amidst boxes and a choice to not move, that I avoided it. Hindsight is always 20/20, and now I realize that my absence from my own home base significantly screwed with my head. While I learned a lot, and I felt closeness in some relationships I will treasure, I can see now how it slowly killed my ability to gain perspective, sleep a true real nights sleep in my own bed (therefore ALWAYS being exhausted), and how it took out of my equation some aspects that made me, Me. I think because of this realization and perspective I am excited to return to Virginia in July. Even though my bigger picture plan is still unknown, I am absolutely certain what step one, two, and three need to be for me. I hope that by putting those things back in place I will not regret the time I spent with those I love in the "waiting", but will put me back on a track I will be most like myself. At the end of my time in Ct I was so tired, drained, and anxious. I can honestly say that I don't know how I pulled it together to get on a plane to fly to Oregon, and then when I was there I was just a shell. A lost version of Kari, the one without roots, without a home to call my own, and in so many ways the lies in my head that cycle just broke me down. In the midst of doing wedding edits and preparing Chelsea and Matthew's package the perfectionist part of my mind took full and center control and focus. It took away the joy I find in capturing the image and I came to some clear conclusions about what I wanted to do creatively in my future. It was a great experience in that regard, but it was difficult. I didn't know how to narrow down and articulate what was so hard in my head to Tex, but here it is absolutely crystal clear. In the stress, perfectionism, and lack of real focus or roots I become unglued and I become moody, self reliant, quiet, and not very nice. I get scared, I want to be an island, and I don't trust that others seek to carry burden or live life WITH me. This all came to a three month head right before I left for China. I was a time bomb. In more ways then not I feel bad for Tex, and even more because at the time I could not pin point what it was. Thankfully my apology was met with forgiveness, and there were good moments in Oregon like making t-shirts for Team Curtis, lots of Salsa, playing some games, porch sitting, wine sipping, tv watching (not those Law&Order/CSI hours, no thanks). But in the end I left unsure and confused because I didn't yet know what I absolutely know right now.
We make choices and take leaps of faith in hope for something greater, a dream captured, and in this case I took one for a boy. I will not say I regret it, but I will say that I wish Tex and I had been wiser about how to keep me productive, and stimulated, during the pursuit of the future- so that in turn we would both benefit from a not tired, not emotionally drained or spiraled down version of me.
I still do not know what the rest of my summer, or the fall will bring. But today I started dreaming, and I started asking questions. They weren't contingent on "what If's", or "this could" statements. Those things still matter, and they always will. I met my time in China with availability and an open heart to whatever way I could be used and in whatever need existed. I have felt more productive in the past four days then I have in four months. I will hold onto this lesson, because in the productivity I have heard a voice I recognize come out of my mouth, and I have thought things from a part of my brain come to life again.
We are not what we do. But we are often what we think. And because I spent so much of the past few months thinking about things I could not predict or control, I wasn't able to fully participate and be vulnerable in a way that would make anything easy. Home is coming. There is a beautiful house in Lexington, Va that has packed boxes and yes, many of those boxes will remain taped... but there is a hammock, a puppy dog, and a bed that all beckon me to return home- and as we wait for what is to come, we will be productive and be brave in our home base.
I learned those things today while walking to a village in a far off land... as we passed people on the street playing games, selling their farm cropped goods, and day dreamed about venturing to India.... Friends. Let's not be surprised when that last part actually happens. (Yes, I already looked up airfare).
Love.Love.