When I left for China I heard what I thought was my phone ringing but it was just "Come Back to Me" on the radio in a car that was pulled up to the curb at the airport. I took a double take for sure, and then I went on my way. I have thought a lot about that song since I've been gone, and while I will always treasure its connection to someone special, it has changed here in Asia.
It's so bizarre and today I was standing in line for the Tower of Terror, and I was thinking about the email I plan to send Sunday morning to my prayer warriors before I leave- and I got completely choked up. People, seriously. I almost lost it (in a good way). In comparison to every massive adventure of my life in the past five years (California '05, leaving Staff '07, Thailand '08, Europe '09, and now Asia '10: btw I realize how enormously blessed I've been to be able to write that list), in the close of those trips and times I was always really grateful for the experience and knew in my heart I was ready to get home: back to the grind, etc. Sometimes I came back hurting more then not, but the high of the adventure was euphoric and I was content there. However, this is the first time I can say in complete honesty that I am really excited for the adventure that waits for me at home in the States. I will miss this time, and I have missed my friends at New Day, and I have hurt my way through epiphanies and realities... but today while waiting for my turn to scream and shrill on a ride, I heard clear as day from the Lord not, "Come Back to Me"- but "Kari. Come to Me." And then quickly after thought of my favorite part from Falling Slowly and I just tried so hard not to cry.
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won
In the midst of impatient and ridiculously dressed Japanese tourists in line for a ride I had the most intimate and peaceful moment with the Lord. It was a great example of how He will speak to us at any moment, and in any place- we just need to have the ears to listen.
I have been the moodiest and most manically emotional person this year. Actually- lets just be honest, probably the past 2, maybe even 3. I know that most of it is based on how well I'm taking care of myself and making sure I eat three times a day, etc... but the bigger failure is that I have not taken care of my heart and spirit in communion with Christ. I got lazy, because I got tired. I have had some unmistakable times with the Creator during this time of manic and mania emotional distress and dysfunction. I have grown in some ways infinite amounts, but I have been made painfully aware in recent weeks that my moods have erased me, have painted my view at times more black then white... and in this wild adventure serving the Lord in China I was able to see that I have been at war with myself for a really long time.
The experience of New Day and the children I met, and the team I worked with was a purposed vehicle that was in place before I even knew or understood what I was going to learn there. I am thankful that by not moving to Indy, and pursuing the future with Tex, that I was free and wide open to go on the trip with Cathy and Sarah. I will always be indebted to the ways that Tex has pushed me and challenged me to be a person who "goes" boldly forward into the craziness abroad. He has always prayed and hoped in what I would find, and has celebrated with me in the triumphs and hurt with me when circumstances were painful. In those ways he has been a part of the fabric of the traveling in the past three years in a greater capacity then anyone else in my life. It's a gift- and he has a collection of postcards that have articulated the journey that one day will be used to craft the memoir (and possibly a movie too...? I day dream about who would be cast in my lead role).
This time and this adventure, has been different. It hasn't been about self reliance, independence, personal beauty, captured images, or a marathon of 6 weeks alone. This time I was called only to go serve, love and participate in service capped off with some time in Tokyo. I was terrified and emotional and completely a basket case preparing to leave (as previous posts have detailed, its been a challenged time). In the past I've tried to hold onto home and the past while trying to grasp the present. This is the first time ever, ever, ever- that I let completely go, of everything. I didn't want my hands to be full, I wanted to be open to catch and touch it all.
However, what happened here has been huge. Because I went, I was able to come not just back but more importantly to Jesus, and I saw clearly the darkness in which I was drowning, and I heard the invitation to win the battle that I've been losing on my own with the only love that exhibits perfect commitment with His children. He isn't afraid of choosing us, He isn't afraid of us hurting Him so much that He holds back. He is extravagant. He is merciful and gracious. His love is so great it bestows us with free will and a choice. There is no half way with Him. It was death on a cross in plain day. I need to love more freely and completely in this way, and I have already begun to see some major shifts and changes in some relationships.
My life has completely changed in this way. I am wrapping up my time here in Tokyo and have loved Disney, and am going to experience some authentic Japanese culture next. I have had the opportunity to hold the hands of preschoolers in China, and in turn have had my heart most delicately and intimately restored and healed by Christ.
What waits for me at home is difficult. I have a house to get ready to sell, a listing process, and some decisions about the future to make. I know that it will be hard to stay focused when everyday stressors and triggers are reintroduced into my life (don't worry I already have accountability lined up about this topic specifically!), but I know that I return to the States on Sunday night a girl completely in Love with the Savior... the adventure at home is going to be bigger and greater then this one because I am ready. I am focused. And I am restored.
What is your war?
He's just waiting and loving you to come... so together you can win.
No comments:
Post a Comment