I.Say.It's.Love.

"Is it more than faith
Is it more than hope
Is it waiting for us at the end of our rope

I say, it's love
I say, it's love

Is it the one you call home
Is it the Holy Land
Is it standing right here holding your hand
Is it just like the movies
Is it rice and white lace
Is it the feeling I get when I wake to your face

Is it the first summer storm
Is it the colors of fall
Is it having so little
And yet having it all
Is it one in a million
Is it a change to belong
Is it standing right here singing this song

Is it a veil or a cross
Is it the poet's gift
Is it the face that has launched over thousands of ships

Is it making you laugh
Is it letting you cry
Is it where we believe that we go when we die
Is it how you were made
Is it your mother's ghost
Is it the wish that I'm wishing for your life, for your life, for your life the most"
-JN & CB

I have sought how to let the Love of Christ POUR and wash over into the other places in my life in ways I have been scared too. I have pushed and pulled my way through boundaries with friends and I know in doing that I have not been productive for Jesus. I have set limits, I have held back, and I have run away. I give advice encouraging others to be open, to be vulnerable, to get it out of their hearts. I have not always taken such advice... but in this past year I have jumped quite a bit. I have been vulnerable in ways I have not been able to be in the past. I can see ways that I have matured and while there is encouragement found there, I know that there is much for me to learn.

I don't avoid conflict. I don't avoid talking about it. I just need to think it through. This has a tendency to drive others crazy. Recently, I had a moment. I had a conversation that I was able to articulate something of significant frustration to someone that put me in a place of vulnerability. Not the normal risk, and not the typical chance that I would say what I needed to say and be heard. I needed to be more then heard... and I needed to pray that the Lord would be my place of rest and that Christ Centered truth would be of more significance then the response of the one I was talking too. How to be Godly, assertive, and my truest version of self in a situation you know that you need to also be guarded and protected?

My reason for finally addressing my hurt about something was driven by my love for wanting to be authentic, and it was fueled by the notion that even though sometimes things are hard to talk about, and ways that we may have to change are scary- we are called to love each other better and more boldly. Everything that can live in growth out of confrontation and conversation when in love, Christ is glorified. To skirt that, to avoid that, I can see how I have also not allowed others to love me in the ways that Christ is going to bless.

I have not trusted enough in this area. Instead I have pretended to trust. and then in an instant of compromise, or lack of care I freak out. I forget all the ways love reigned, and I start making choices out of a darker place. Satan twists my heart around, and changes my ears. I have struggled with this time and time again. The Lord however has been molding me through it... and because of the root in love I have been blessed most by the truth. When I was able to speak my heart about my hurt I was able to see how the Lord set me up to not compromise what I felt or wanted, I could see how love between friends is as priceless a gift as any other- sometimes I just have to trust that more.

The morning brought doubt about what I had said, and I could sense Satan starting to pick away at insecurities that were absent in the conversation that needed to happen the evening prior... I am still working to seek Christ more then the phrases that I have remembered from the conversation I initiated.

Is it being able to step out in truth even when fear wants us to hide.
Is it being able to listen completely to what is said, not just what we want to hear.
Is it expressing our care for someone even if we are afraid.
Is it willing to do the hard things for the right purpose.
Is it being able to let go and allowing ourselves to be moved by the Lord.

I say, it's love. I am so grateful to be loved so completely by Jesus... and that He has given me such gifts of people in my life. I am thankful that instead of hurting through these lessons, that I am trusting more. I am trusting Jesus more. I am trusting those who love me more. I am listening less to the lies. I am putting less weight on doubt. While terrifying, I am excited to see how the Love Christ has for me will POUR and WASH over other areas of my life as I continue to remove my walls and hesitation with trust, and how that will impact who I will love and those who will choose to love me in return... boldly.