Here and Then...

It's a perfect moment. I am sitting on the deck looking out at the trees and listening to the workers wind down their day at the saw mill down the street from my house. Gracie moves from the shade under the table to sunbathing in the front yard on a freshly cut lawn. Inside I have my one of my favorite playlists playing on my ipod and it is loud enough for me to hear from my seat. There wasn't time at work today for a lunch break, so I left 3o minutes early which was made for a very excited Kari as I pulled into my driveway at 3:50pm. 

This is the life I am supposed to live. Every so often I get these glimpses into what is important, where I find true joy and happiness, and where my purpose lies. Right now as I survey the scenery I am reminded that while there a hundred options and directions that constantly move through my mind, one thing is certain and that is Jesus. I know that I am supposed to love Him. I know that I am supposed to live my life for Him. I know that I am supposed to die for Him, so that I can be made more in His image. 

Next to my computer sits my cell phone that goes off periodically with text messages from friends that live away from my residence. Underneath it is my moleskin that I started last August when I left VA for California, and stopped writing in it on December 22nd leaving the last 60 pages or so blank. I switched to the "This is Your Thailand Journal" that Matty gave me for Christmas, and it only seems right as I completed that moleskin to start fresh in a new one. I have flipped through the pages of the California Adventure/Fall Time one often while writing my fantastic memoir, and sometimes I ache to be that version of me sitting with a pen with nothing else to do then document and describe all that my heart danced about. As I have tried to settle my brain down a little bit to spend some time writing, I have flipped through and read some of myself back to myself and here are things that have particularly hit a nerve:

22 October 2007

"Do I feel more alive in these memories in these longings than I do in the reality of where I am sitting? Do I prefer the traveling version of me better then I like the 'at rooted' point of view I have at home? Do I fear tossing all those dreams aside because I have made my bet on something I am not sure will happen? How did I get here? 

Looking at past entries I notice my opening lines: "Today has been a ____ day." 

They weren't all great. They weren't all perfect by any stretch of the imagination. But they were real, and they were true. And I was happy. Tired. And sad all at the same time. It has been a serious ball of emotion and I sometimes wonder if I am going at the speed I am just so I won't have to stop and ever truly feel or remember it, or acknowledge where changes needs to happen. Fear of always being alone. Fear of not being missed. Fear of packing. Of leaving. Fear of staying. Forever. Not doing all the moves that come with being such a dreamer. Fear of crying. Of never being able to get all the tears out that have been bottled up. Fear of never crying. Never getting any damp expression of emotion out of my heart. Fear of starting over. Fear of never moving on.

A letter to self...

24 October 2008

Dear Kari,

I am so sorry I do not take better care of your heart. I am sorry that I neglect who you can truly be when you love Jesus first and most. I am sorry that I sell you out and make you believe lies so that you can find rest and comfort in never having to be vulnerable. In the tomorrows you will be challenged and you will be changed. Remember to love you too. Remember Jesus rose from the dead so that you could have life. It will not be easy. And it will not be perfect. But it will be your journey. And you will need to live it. Take your burdens to the only one who can save you. Listen to His voice. Absorb the ways He has tried to get your attention that you've missed. Rest fully in His power. Tonight, this night, go to bed. You will need your energy in the morning. Do not take for granted this most divine opportunity to be better tomorrow then you were today, in Christ Alone. 

Love, 

K

I am thankful that I have pages of my heart to read back to myself. I am thankful that with me in every destination I have my journal with me so that if I think of something random I can jot it down easily and revisit the idea later. I am thankful that these books I have invested my entire heart and soul into are my treasures, and they are my mirrors. The image I see when I read them are glimpses into the person I have been and becoming, and they are visions of experiences that I get to relive in the written word. I am thankful that despite time, the questions I was battling October 22, 2007 are still relevant, and the letter to self still speak volumes of a truth I pray desperately to latch onto with more assertiveness. 

Here and Then... its a perfect moment. With a Diet Coke, some homemade salsa, and my beloved dog at my feet... I am thankful that while not content with particular situations, relationships, or journeys that I am certain that this is the life I am supposed to be living. That by documenting my thoughts regardless of their varying emotions or assertions have always centered me back into what matters, much like a great friend who speaks truth. 

The breeze is moving quickly around and through the trees, and my wind chime is dancing in its wake. I feel enveloped by possibility. I feel a hug from the Savior who is whispering to me in the wind that He is with me on this. He believes in Me. And while I desire the human touch of a friend to say much the same, I can rest in this most perfect moment... right here.