Falling

I am not afraid of a lot of things. I am not afraid of the rain. Driving. Roller-coasters. Dogs. People in general. Small spaces. 

However, I am afraid of falling. I am afraid of tripping. I am afraid of falling down a flight of stairs. I am afraid of the falling aspect of Roller-coasters, even if I'm not afraid of the ride itself. I don't particularly like turbulence on a flight. Tower of Terror is not my most favorite ride, and yet when vacationing in Disney I go on the ride a dozen times. 

I don't know if my fear of falling stems from childhood clumsiness, sprained ankles (which is ironic b/c I have one now), or jumping off the bed and crashing into the floor. I hear the word "fall", and what comes to mind is not Tom Petty's much covered song "Free Fallin". I hear loss of control. Potential hazard. Injury or Death. When in Thailand and experiencing the motorbike accident I was terrified because of the possible harm to my body, but it was also the sensation of the decent into the ditch. 

Falling. I hate it. 

And yet, I am drawn to it. I am drawn to watching the sun falling into the horizon. I am drawn to throwing favorite toddlers in the air and catching them as they drop into my arms. I am compelled by falling in love, and the romantic themes woven in movies, books, songs, and by sharing a community of people that I care about. 

One area in my life that I have seen the most submission has been falling and Jesus. This past year I have often prayed that the Lord would guide my steps, and show me how to Love in His image. I have changed paths, plans, dreams and desires this year in tremendous ways, and with no other way to describe it, then jumping. 

What goes up, must come down. To jump into new adventures I have had the unequivacle experience of falling as well. The adreniline in making choices about employment, or intineraries to put into place were full of excitement, adventure, and intoxicating freedom.  What I have learned in the process of all of those choices and memories of life has been that the falling isn't so scary when you have your eyes and heart on the one that is going to catch you. When my eyes are focused not on the friends I will naturally be disapointed by,  the family I'm so quick to critcize, or the world that does not pause for my grief. I have jumped with the notion that I am going to trust Jesus more then I trust my selfish heart. I have jumped with the faith that in letting go of it all, I will gain what my heart desires most- and that is to be closer to the Father in complete submission. 

I will now walk cautiously on a crumbled sidewalk now that it has proven treacherous when I don't pay attention to my footing. I will continue to look at my feet as I step down each step in cautious placement so that I won't fall down the flight. When in the air and turbulence is experienced on my flight, I won't hold my breath until it passes. My fear of falling continues to live in the secret dark places that those fears control my bravery. 

Drawing encouragement from lessons learned, injuries healed, and anxiety eased I continue to pray earnestly that the Lord my God, will remind me when I doubt that He not only CAN catch me when I fall, jump, or a combination of both sensations, but that He desires for me to trust that He is GOING too. I pray that I will be bold before Him, and that I will respond to the soft whisper I continue to silence the world around me so that I can listen. 

I sense that this time of tremendous growth is not going to end anytime soon. A job at the bank proved too dry for the Monday-Friday, and so this new pursuit of something more inspired has begun. I am jumping. I am leaping into the unknown path of creative endeavors, and I am working feverously to seek more the face of the Savior, then the touch of my best friends hand. I am seeking to jump, so that I may fall into Grace. 

"A thousand times I’d rather fall than be afraid to move at all
After all what is this thing that you call grace?"