Departures and Arrivals

Where is it?

Is Home really where the heart is? 

If so, then my home is scattered across the globe. I have left parts of it with friends and family in visits. I have left some pieces dancing in the wind as I've watched the sun set into the ocean. I have given parts of it to strangers upon meeting for short intervals of time. I have given it away. I have been given some of it back. My heart has been restored and it has been broken. 

I have been operating under a state of dreaming for over a year now. I have tried to be brave, and I have tried to be intentional. It is now time to stop. I can sense my exhaustion. I have tried to make big decisions for this big life that I'm living, and I have been terrified of making the wrong choices. 

The great movement I sense in my heart is not just the awareness of needing to settle down, its the notion that I even desire it.  I am ready to stop. I am ready to stop talking about all the things I could do, and places I could live, and versions of myself that I could be. Now, I bet you are thinking "but this process started when you came back from Thailand, and taking the job". Truthfully, it didn't. I have been running away from it, and I have been unsatisfied in the process. 

I want to be home. I want to return back to the part of my heart that was settled over a year ago and in the four years I spent nurturing and building a secure, and healthy life in Virginia. I have sought the world over and over again looking for a place for my heart to rest, and my life to contain more then departures and arrivals. I have said over and over again how I want that to be here in Lexington... I have prayed about finding a job that will keep me here. I found that job, it wasn't perfect but now I am able to see how that set me up for something better then I dreamed of in being able to pursue something of my heart.

This is home. And not because my life is here or that my house is here. The only thing not here is the submission of my heart and complete vulnerability to chosing this place to start a new journey. I can no longer plan in my mind a thousand possibilities elsewhere. I could go anywhere. I could do anything. I have prayed that the Lord would show me where and what. I have begged it would be here. I have not trusted the answer... I have skirted the biggest part of my journey... the dreaming will always continue. But it has hurt me and run me ragged thinking about all of my 'what if's' because I have not trusted that this place, and this time is enough.

It is time to stop running in circles. It is time to make some commitments, make some plans, change some relationships based on the fact I'm taking root. I'm trying desperately to let go and be vulnerable in this place. I just feel like the rest of my life is waiting on my ability to let go of my control in this one area, and yet my knuckles are white and my grip is fervent. I can't grasp what is next if I'm too afraid to let go of what has been reliable. 

Home. Where is it? I have known the answer the entire time. I have felt it the entire year. I pray that I can trust that it is enough, and that the Lord will do mighty things with my life. I just need to let go.