Lost

Things I have lost in the past few months:

1) My ATM card

2) My favorite ring

3) My favorite sunglasses

4) My favorite Yoga Capri's

5) My mind

Seriously. Where have 1-4 gone? Where in the bottomless pit of my house and life have they disappeared too? I have this passive aggressive way of dealing with things that I have lost. It isn't very productive and it is actually quite frustrating. I can acknowledge that something from my life has gone astray. I just won't go looking for it right away. I wait for it to show back up again. I suppose I feel like once I go looking for it I will realize something has been completely lost. This is ridiculous. I know that you are laughing at me. It's ok. I have done that my entire life- not laughing at myself, just my approach to finding lost things. 

I have lost a handful of wallets in my life... I have lost two different drivers licenses, I have lost important warranty information and receipts. My heart desires to be so much more organized than I am able to pull together.

I am tired of losing things. I am really sad about the ring, the sunglasses, the yoga capris... I know they are just things but I really really enjoyed them. So if you find them, please alert me as soon as possible. I would be so grateful. Seriously, I would probably scream with joy. The ATM card and my mind? Nah... I got a new card awhile ago, and my mind probably can't be found!

3.

I came and sat with you today. 

It was almost like any normal day, except I knew that it wasn't. 

I told you about what was new in my life, and I told you what was old. 

It was quiet... and it was still. 

I took a drive after my visit at the river's edge, 

and extended my hand out the window into the breeze,

it felt like I was flying. 

I wished that I could fly to you... I prayed that there was a flight to catch. 

Today was almost like any other normal day, 

except my heart knew that it wasn't. 

This One.

"All that I want is to dig through this big box of pictures
In my kitchen 'til the daylight's gone

I loved the man in this one

It's faded but I don't care

There are nights when I wake up and know he's beside me I swear

Sometimes I still feel him there

But if life stayed the way it was  
If memories didn't last so long 
If nobody did nobody wrong 
It we knew what we had before it was gone 
If every road led back home 
This would be 
The very last country song..."

I Want You To Need Me

Today on the river I was laying on the smoothest, softest rock... I crept my toes down to the waters surface fearing its chill, but desiring its refreshment from the sun's heat. My mind raced as I thought of all I have on my heart these days, and I was trying to calm myself down a little bit. I was having a conversation with Jesus that was much like the conversations I have with my friends... once I start talking I keep going a mile a minute, and barely stop to breathe. I don't always give the opportunity for those I am with to interject their thoughts or points of view... I knew that I needed to be quiet... I knew that I had said enough. The lyrics below came to mind, and while its a love song between man and woman, today I heard it as a message of love to me from my God who was trying to speak louder then my ranting, and He was trying to be more tender then my pushing and impatience in the conversation. 

I was still on the rock. I was quiet. My mind slowed down... and I heard:

"Kari, 

I want you to need me 

Like the air you breathe
I want you to feel me
In everything
I want you to see me
In your every dream..."

My response was more then stillness. It was the ache to allow that to happen more. I want to need Christ more then the air I breathe, I want to feel Him in everything, and I want to see Him in every dream. My conversation with Him changed from my constant chatter to prayer... to grow and mature, to change. I cared less about my plea's for insight, direction, or clarity on whatever subject I was wrapped up in my head about. All that was stripped away, and what was left was me in the middle of a moving river, sitting quietly on a rock with my toes playing along the surface of the water... and my most sincere prayer was for Him to show me how to desire Him more. How to want Him more then I do now. More then I wanted Him yesterday. How to see Him in everything. That He would prepare my heart for what I will find when I go to those places trusting and needing only Him. To wanting Him, the way He has always desired me... boldly and completely. 

I.Say.It's.Love.

"Is it more than faith
Is it more than hope
Is it waiting for us at the end of our rope

I say, it's love
I say, it's love

Is it the one you call home
Is it the Holy Land
Is it standing right here holding your hand
Is it just like the movies
Is it rice and white lace
Is it the feeling I get when I wake to your face

Is it the first summer storm
Is it the colors of fall
Is it having so little
And yet having it all
Is it one in a million
Is it a change to belong
Is it standing right here singing this song

Is it a veil or a cross
Is it the poet's gift
Is it the face that has launched over thousands of ships

Is it making you laugh
Is it letting you cry
Is it where we believe that we go when we die
Is it how you were made
Is it your mother's ghost
Is it the wish that I'm wishing for your life, for your life, for your life the most"
-JN & CB

I have sought how to let the Love of Christ POUR and wash over into the other places in my life in ways I have been scared too. I have pushed and pulled my way through boundaries with friends and I know in doing that I have not been productive for Jesus. I have set limits, I have held back, and I have run away. I give advice encouraging others to be open, to be vulnerable, to get it out of their hearts. I have not always taken such advice... but in this past year I have jumped quite a bit. I have been vulnerable in ways I have not been able to be in the past. I can see ways that I have matured and while there is encouragement found there, I know that there is much for me to learn.

I don't avoid conflict. I don't avoid talking about it. I just need to think it through. This has a tendency to drive others crazy. Recently, I had a moment. I had a conversation that I was able to articulate something of significant frustration to someone that put me in a place of vulnerability. Not the normal risk, and not the typical chance that I would say what I needed to say and be heard. I needed to be more then heard... and I needed to pray that the Lord would be my place of rest and that Christ Centered truth would be of more significance then the response of the one I was talking too. How to be Godly, assertive, and my truest version of self in a situation you know that you need to also be guarded and protected?

My reason for finally addressing my hurt about something was driven by my love for wanting to be authentic, and it was fueled by the notion that even though sometimes things are hard to talk about, and ways that we may have to change are scary- we are called to love each other better and more boldly. Everything that can live in growth out of confrontation and conversation when in love, Christ is glorified. To skirt that, to avoid that, I can see how I have also not allowed others to love me in the ways that Christ is going to bless.

I have not trusted enough in this area. Instead I have pretended to trust. and then in an instant of compromise, or lack of care I freak out. I forget all the ways love reigned, and I start making choices out of a darker place. Satan twists my heart around, and changes my ears. I have struggled with this time and time again. The Lord however has been molding me through it... and because of the root in love I have been blessed most by the truth. When I was able to speak my heart about my hurt I was able to see how the Lord set me up to not compromise what I felt or wanted, I could see how love between friends is as priceless a gift as any other- sometimes I just have to trust that more.

The morning brought doubt about what I had said, and I could sense Satan starting to pick away at insecurities that were absent in the conversation that needed to happen the evening prior... I am still working to seek Christ more then the phrases that I have remembered from the conversation I initiated.

Is it being able to step out in truth even when fear wants us to hide.
Is it being able to listen completely to what is said, not just what we want to hear.
Is it expressing our care for someone even if we are afraid.
Is it willing to do the hard things for the right purpose.
Is it being able to let go and allowing ourselves to be moved by the Lord.

I say, it's love. I am so grateful to be loved so completely by Jesus... and that He has given me such gifts of people in my life. I am thankful that instead of hurting through these lessons, that I am trusting more. I am trusting Jesus more. I am trusting those who love me more. I am listening less to the lies. I am putting less weight on doubt. While terrifying, I am excited to see how the Love Christ has for me will POUR and WASH over other areas of my life as I continue to remove my walls and hesitation with trust, and how that will impact who I will love and those who will choose to love me in return... boldly.

Departures and Arrivals

Where is it?

Is Home really where the heart is? 

If so, then my home is scattered across the globe. I have left parts of it with friends and family in visits. I have left some pieces dancing in the wind as I've watched the sun set into the ocean. I have given parts of it to strangers upon meeting for short intervals of time. I have given it away. I have been given some of it back. My heart has been restored and it has been broken. 

I have been operating under a state of dreaming for over a year now. I have tried to be brave, and I have tried to be intentional. It is now time to stop. I can sense my exhaustion. I have tried to make big decisions for this big life that I'm living, and I have been terrified of making the wrong choices. 

The great movement I sense in my heart is not just the awareness of needing to settle down, its the notion that I even desire it.  I am ready to stop. I am ready to stop talking about all the things I could do, and places I could live, and versions of myself that I could be. Now, I bet you are thinking "but this process started when you came back from Thailand, and taking the job". Truthfully, it didn't. I have been running away from it, and I have been unsatisfied in the process. 

I want to be home. I want to return back to the part of my heart that was settled over a year ago and in the four years I spent nurturing and building a secure, and healthy life in Virginia. I have sought the world over and over again looking for a place for my heart to rest, and my life to contain more then departures and arrivals. I have said over and over again how I want that to be here in Lexington... I have prayed about finding a job that will keep me here. I found that job, it wasn't perfect but now I am able to see how that set me up for something better then I dreamed of in being able to pursue something of my heart.

This is home. And not because my life is here or that my house is here. The only thing not here is the submission of my heart and complete vulnerability to chosing this place to start a new journey. I can no longer plan in my mind a thousand possibilities elsewhere. I could go anywhere. I could do anything. I have prayed that the Lord would show me where and what. I have begged it would be here. I have not trusted the answer... I have skirted the biggest part of my journey... the dreaming will always continue. But it has hurt me and run me ragged thinking about all of my 'what if's' because I have not trusted that this place, and this time is enough.

It is time to stop running in circles. It is time to make some commitments, make some plans, change some relationships based on the fact I'm taking root. I'm trying desperately to let go and be vulnerable in this place. I just feel like the rest of my life is waiting on my ability to let go of my control in this one area, and yet my knuckles are white and my grip is fervent. I can't grasp what is next if I'm too afraid to let go of what has been reliable. 

Home. Where is it? I have known the answer the entire time. I have felt it the entire year. I pray that I can trust that it is enough, and that the Lord will do mighty things with my life. I just need to let go. 

Peace and Love

This song was randomly chosen by the little brain in my iPod that selects songs during the Shuffle setting. I used to listen to this song on repeat years ago... and today I just loved it all over again, it just felt so apropos and familiar. 

Peace & Love

May every star you wish upon
And every hope you're hangin' on come true
Out of everybody in the world
There's no one who deserves it more than you
I hope you find
Everyhing you've been dreamin' of
Only good things
No in betweens just
Peace and love

These words did not come easily
Still you know I had to write them down
You must know what you mean to me
I wish that you could always be around
I hope you find
Everything you are worthy of
I'm gonna miss you
But I only wish you
Peace and love

Peace and love
Tears of joy
Kindness of strangers
All of your roads
Paved in gold
By guardian angels
Wherever you may be in this world
My salutation says it all
May you always have enough
Peace and love

I let you go unselfishly
Cause everyone needs time to be alone
Well maybe time will bring you back
And if it does you'll always have a home
I sign my name
No one to blame it on because
I'm on your side
No question of pride

-Blessid Union of Souls

Home Is?

Home is not where you live but where they understand you. ~Christian Morgenstern

Home is a place not only of strong affections, but of entire unreserve; it is life's undress rehearsal, its backroom, its dressing room. ~Harriet Beecher Stowe

Every house where love abides
And friendship is a guest,
Is surely home, and home sweet home
For there the heart can rest.
~Henry Van Dyke

Home is a place you grow up wanting to leave, and grow old wanting to get back to. 

~John Ed Pearce

Home is a shelter from storms - all sorts of storms. ~William J. Bennett

Home is the one place in all this world where hearts are sure of each other. It is the place of confidence. It is the place where we tear off that mask of guarded and suspicious coldness which the world forces us to wear in self-defense, and where we pour out the unreserved communications of full and confiding hearts. It is the spot where expressions of tenderness gush out without any sensation of awkwardness and without any dread of ridicule. 

~Frederick W. Robertson

The Ten

TEN Things I've Been Thinking About Today At Work:

1) The Ankle. NEWS: I have a frayed tendon (which means I slightly tore it), a chronic bruise on the bone, and tendonitis. I do not need surgery. I am however being put into a 'walking boot' for one month, perhaps two. Friends, I am not delighted about this. My diagnosis was classic "breaking it would have been a much better scenario, you really did a number on it". The relief in knowing the damage is real, and the course of action is one that I can live with- no surgery. Amazing. I am going to beg for some pain medication when I go in to get my boot.

2) The Sunshine: I miss it. I desire very much to lay on a beach, or dock and just let it kiss my shoulders and my face. I made plans with Mandy to accomplish this hope and desire for Saturday at Chad's lake house. We plan to sit. Swim. Read. I will most definitely have a Diet Coke. Write a little bit. Enjoy the UV cancerous rays.

3) The Current Place: I'm wrestling with the idea of vulnerability in commiting to a zip code. I will write more about this later, just something that I've thought a lot about the past few days and have been praying that I would be able to listen to what seems like the faintest whisper of Jesus.

4) The Fall: I know that summer is here and I love it, but I thought about the leaves changing, my birthday, the October trip to California/Vegas with 'The Boys'... my mind keeps returning to the season that is approaching fairly quickly and brings with it cooler temperatures.

5) The Family. My dad moves into town in two weeks.

6) The Bank: I like Nelson Street a lot. I like the women who work here, I like that they like me and comment daily on what I'm wearing and where I got it. I was never the fashion icon or the accessorized one growing up, so its hysterical that in my adult life I have friends who will comment on the skirts, necklaces, Tiffany's taste, and bargain shopping cues. The women here make me laugh, and they make me comfortable. I'm thankful I had these days here. Next week I'm in Buena Vista, I hope that they are as cool and like me as much. hah.

7) The Book: I think I may be finished.

8) The Nighttime: I have had the strangest dreams lately. Last night I went to bed early b/c I was just so tired. I woke up at 3:45am completley awake and stimulated from my dream. I was in the house I grew up in, and that was quite strange. I wish for more restful sleep. I wish for the dreams to make sense. I wish to stop dreaming so vividly about things that are emotional.

9) The Music: a line from a song I love that I sing to myself constantly all day-
"I can't give reason enough for how you move me,
And I can't seem to give it all up- because its just like it should be...
I'll give you reasons I've conjured up over time,
And I don't want to cry...
So here are my pieces, will you help mold you and I?"

10) The House: the things I'd like to do to it this fall. Some paint. Some cabinets. Some carpet. Some changes. Some upgrades. Some maintenance so when its time to sell I've already put the time and investment in.

I have thought of all of these things all day. Back and forth and round again...those ten things... all day.

Alarms, GPS & Market

Highlights of Atlanta:

1) Driving towards Atlanta and talking about a concert I am going to see with Sunshine, and driving by the LARGEST CHRISTIAN BOOKSTORE Warehouse, called SONshine. Jessica and I laughed soo hard.

2) Not being able to find an Arby's, found Chili's and got almost completely lost before getting back on the highway. Why this is worth noting: we were using GPS... how does one get lost on GPS? Oh, I found a way.

3) Upon arrival at the place we were staying, I set off the alarm by accident. I pushed the wrong button. One would think that if there was an alarm button where the light switches are, it would be RED. The red would completely warn anyone from touching it, and I would never have pressed it. Truth is, I would have wanted to press the button just to understand why I couldn't... but I wouldn't have actually done that. I just would have thought about it quite a bit. Jessica and I completely looked at each other with panic and giggles. She went outside to call the friend who hooked us up with the place, and everyone in the building across from ours was outside on their porches looking at us. The sound woke up the entire building! And yet, no cops came, and no one came to check on us to make sure we were ok. Now, this did not do wonders for our sense of security.

4) Market. Creative Stimulation. Possibility.

I had a glimpse of the future in talking with a couple of vendors. It was great to see the sense of my heart shift gears. I prayed to be open to wherever the Lord would take me. I appreciated having Jessica with me as I threw ideas out, and processed a little bit more of what I was seeing. We laughed a lot. We shopped a bunch. We had a fantastic time. I returned home feeling confirmed in my pursuit of something deep within my heart over the professional realm of banking. It was interesting being there without the intention to buy for Young Life, and it was sad missing Michele and Caroline because our dates were different being there.

It was a great trip... simply marvelous.

Crushed and Created

Ok. So as previously written, music is a source of oxygen for me. It inspires me. It articulates for me what I am often trying to figure out. I have found my most current life anthem. This year I've had a few... most of them picked out by Tex. His humorous choices for me have included, "Stay" by Lisa Loeb, "See You Again"  by Miley Cyrus, and one that I won't mention because it just makes me mad.

I have a new one. I think if I were to have a video slideshow of my life, this would be the song I'd choose. Obviously that is a strong statement coming from Miss Sappy Song, but its true. I don't think I could write a better one myself if I tried. I listened to the first part of the song and I could swear that it came write out of my journal and conversations that I have had with those I love. I stopped still and I paid careful attention to each word. I wanted to reach through and hug Caitlyn Smith after it was finished because it just moved my heart with such understanding. 

Crushed and Created 

By Caitlyn Smith

Looking back on the things that found me
Places I would never choose
The same things that both haunt and heal
My demons and my muse

We are crushed and created
Melted and made
Broken and built up in the very same way
What I thought I could handle
What I thought I could take
What I thought would destroy me
Leaves me stronger in its wake

And there are times that I've underestimated
Both the grief and goodness found in something new
Where one thing dies, something else can be created
And though it's truth you find, it's innocence you lose

I'm not the me that I started with
My friends say my eyes are brighter
I'm not the me that I started with
I'm freer, and I'm wiser, and I'm stronger…

A new song to identify with this time of my life. I am a person of landmarks, anniversaries, dates, beginnings and endings. This month, July is one of great significance. One year since my life took an unknown path in pursuing something different... Three since one life ended and broke my heart... Five since I left Connecticut to start a new adventure in Virginia. 

I'm not the me I started with. I am not the me I was One, Three, or Five years ago. The comfort I draw from being grown, broken, stretched, healed, and loved by Christ has brought me to my knees time and time again. Crushed and Created...  I would never have chosen this place, because I am sure I never would have been brave enough to willingly come this way.  And yet these things have found me. The same things that have haunted and healed my demons and have helped me find my muse. I am emerging.... I am waking up. I am not the me I started with, praise the Lord. 

Playlist List

This whole year I have had songs that have carried me through feeling something lingering below the surface, have articulated thoughts about movements and adventures...and have documented steps in relationships with their melodies. I have playlists upon playlists created on my iPod with many of these songs. Some of the titles are:

What Began the Book: all songs I listened to obsessively as I began writing the story.

California Calling: songs that I listened to when I spent my last few days in California reflecting on the journey that was coming to a close.

For You Friends: selections made for the friends I love so dearly when I left for Thailand.

The Collection: my favorite obsessions, the most played songs ever. 

Suzie and Mike: a set of CD's I sent to two very important people from my Ridgefield days. Songs filled with hope, faith, and encouragement.

The most current...

Generally Obsessed. What I'm listening too. What I'm thinking about... what I've played on repeat... what has been inspiring. To enlighten you, that play list is below: 

Crushed and Created: Caitlyn Smith

Come Tomorrow: Juliet Lloyd

Lightning Crashes: Live

When It Don't Come Easy: Justin McRoberts cover of Patty's song

You Are A God: Vertical Horizon

This Is Home: Switchfoot

Free Fallin: John Mayer cover of T. Petty

Believe: Hanson

I Remember L.A: Celine Dion

You Alone: Koo Chung

Wedding Dress: Matt Nathanson

The Time of My Life: David Cook

You Are Mine: Phil Stacey

Freeze: Jordin Sparks

Dreaming With A Broken Heart: John Mayer

Beautiful: Me'shell Ndegeocello

Lost: Anouk

Ok, so the list is eclectic. From Live, Hanson, Celine Dion, and Me'shell... its pretty random. But hey kids, it is what I've been listening too. 

Come Tomorrow

"You've been waiting on an answer
to something that's been on your mind
They tell you to be patient
that all will be revealed in time

So you keep on treading water
waiting for the tide to turn
and wondering all the while
when will it get easier?

Come tomorrow
and leave today to yesterday"
-Juliet Lloyd


Heard the song today. Got chills. It's on iTunes. You should buy it.

Settling

"Some people are settling down, some people are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies." -SATC

Had a dream last night that has stayed on my heart and mind the entirety of the day. What I remember from it is vague, but what has lingered has been the emotional aspect of the sequence. I was at my wedding reception. I had just gotten married, and went into the bathroom before we were to be introduced to all of our family and friends. I stood there and was having a conversation with the ladies about my dress, the day, the love story. I remember saying, "He's great, right?" And let the assurance of these women ease my fears. I knew that I loved him. But I don't remember feeling like I was in love with my new spouse.  One of the women I was speaking with, was the mother of a friend I grew up with, whom I have always respected. She looked at me and said, "You made a choice." 

I woke up. I realized that had settled. I had chosen something less than what I have dreamed and prayed for my entire life. There has been a lot of talk of weddings recently, with helping a friend with centerpieces, to another one anticipating her proposal in the very near future. I understand completely how I dreamt about a wedding. But the purpose of the dream, and my articulation of it here has nothing to do with the wedding. It has to do with the choice. 

While in the car today making way through West Virginia's torrential down pour rain I thought about my dream quite a bit. My thoughts turned into blank stares at the highway before me. My blank stares turned into prayers. That the Lord would protect my heart, and that I would be filled with patience. In the plans and purposes behind the next days, months, and year before me I have desired to seek dreams that have been on my heart for a length of time... and those that have just popped up on the radar. I don't want the easy road. I don't want the predictable plan. I don't want to settle for anything less then my fullest and greatest potential in Christ.

I feel like patience is the running theme of life right now. I desire fully to turn patience as an adjective in my approach, into a verb. I want to live a life full of patience and pursuit of the Spirit. I don't want to be idle, or be passive, that is not what I seek. While being patient, I have sensed how I also feel ready... I feel equipped. 

Above is one of my favorite quotes about settling. I have recited it to friends, I have written about it in my journal, and I have prayed that the Lord would grow me in a way that I would be able to discern what to commit too, who to commit too, and how to live a life of intention and substance. Not to opt out early, and not to choose a path because I am too impatient to wait for the right one to come along.  I want to remember the voice in the dream that spoke in a sense of caution, "you made a choice". 

Settling. I want nothing less then butterflies. That is my choice. 

Falling

I am not afraid of a lot of things. I am not afraid of the rain. Driving. Roller-coasters. Dogs. People in general. Small spaces. 

However, I am afraid of falling. I am afraid of tripping. I am afraid of falling down a flight of stairs. I am afraid of the falling aspect of Roller-coasters, even if I'm not afraid of the ride itself. I don't particularly like turbulence on a flight. Tower of Terror is not my most favorite ride, and yet when vacationing in Disney I go on the ride a dozen times. 

I don't know if my fear of falling stems from childhood clumsiness, sprained ankles (which is ironic b/c I have one now), or jumping off the bed and crashing into the floor. I hear the word "fall", and what comes to mind is not Tom Petty's much covered song "Free Fallin". I hear loss of control. Potential hazard. Injury or Death. When in Thailand and experiencing the motorbike accident I was terrified because of the possible harm to my body, but it was also the sensation of the decent into the ditch. 

Falling. I hate it. 

And yet, I am drawn to it. I am drawn to watching the sun falling into the horizon. I am drawn to throwing favorite toddlers in the air and catching them as they drop into my arms. I am compelled by falling in love, and the romantic themes woven in movies, books, songs, and by sharing a community of people that I care about. 

One area in my life that I have seen the most submission has been falling and Jesus. This past year I have often prayed that the Lord would guide my steps, and show me how to Love in His image. I have changed paths, plans, dreams and desires this year in tremendous ways, and with no other way to describe it, then jumping. 

What goes up, must come down. To jump into new adventures I have had the unequivacle experience of falling as well. The adreniline in making choices about employment, or intineraries to put into place were full of excitement, adventure, and intoxicating freedom.  What I have learned in the process of all of those choices and memories of life has been that the falling isn't so scary when you have your eyes and heart on the one that is going to catch you. When my eyes are focused not on the friends I will naturally be disapointed by,  the family I'm so quick to critcize, or the world that does not pause for my grief. I have jumped with the notion that I am going to trust Jesus more then I trust my selfish heart. I have jumped with the faith that in letting go of it all, I will gain what my heart desires most- and that is to be closer to the Father in complete submission. 

I will now walk cautiously on a crumbled sidewalk now that it has proven treacherous when I don't pay attention to my footing. I will continue to look at my feet as I step down each step in cautious placement so that I won't fall down the flight. When in the air and turbulence is experienced on my flight, I won't hold my breath until it passes. My fear of falling continues to live in the secret dark places that those fears control my bravery. 

Drawing encouragement from lessons learned, injuries healed, and anxiety eased I continue to pray earnestly that the Lord my God, will remind me when I doubt that He not only CAN catch me when I fall, jump, or a combination of both sensations, but that He desires for me to trust that He is GOING too. I pray that I will be bold before Him, and that I will respond to the soft whisper I continue to silence the world around me so that I can listen. 

I sense that this time of tremendous growth is not going to end anytime soon. A job at the bank proved too dry for the Monday-Friday, and so this new pursuit of something more inspired has begun. I am jumping. I am leaping into the unknown path of creative endeavors, and I am working feverously to seek more the face of the Savior, then the touch of my best friends hand. I am seeking to jump, so that I may fall into Grace. 

"A thousand times I’d rather fall than be afraid to move at all
After all what is this thing that you call grace?"

To the Show

It is nearing midnight. I am wide awake but my body is completely fatigued and ready for bed. I have looked at my bed longingly with a strong desire to curl up and fall asleep. Gracie is completely wrapped up  in a ball, and every so often will open one eye and look up at me begging me to snuggle. 

I am preparing myself for my very quick trip to Atlanta for the Gift Show. For the first time I am going with my own intentions, and will not be shopping for the store at Camp. I'm excited because I love the pace of the showrooms and the excitement about getting a sneak peek into what is being pushed for the next seasons merchandise. I am going to Atlanta via Kentucky, which is definitely out of the way, but well worth the segway because I get to pick up Jessica and spend an afternoon lazily enjoying Lexington before we leave for Georgia. It will be a very short stay in Atlanta, but I'm excited about getting in and getting out as quickly as possible. 

I have continued to seek medical treatment for my ankle, and it is frustrating that this week I feel more discomfort and pain then I have in the most recent weeks. I am about to embark on a marathon on foot and I'm not very excited about the stress and strain the time at the Gift Show will put on the ankle. I have an MRI scheduled for Monday, so while I am excited to finally see what kind of damage I inadvertently caused myself, I'm anxious because it will be after this trip.

In other news, I'm getting my head together about my creative endeavor. I have had a few new ideas, and I have thought more thoroughly through the notion of setting up shop somewhere. There are moments I want to pursue retail space and just go BIG, and tackle that challenge. There are other times when I simply want to work from home and think that KBooBoutique.com would be the best way to pursue that. In going part time with the job I knew that I was going to go through days of ever changing decisions, points of view, and have to pray carefully about the direction I was going to go in. What has NEVER waived are the photos, and so I am continuing to work through what that will look like, and the processes behind getting them seen. 

So off to the SHOW!

Here and Then...

It's a perfect moment. I am sitting on the deck looking out at the trees and listening to the workers wind down their day at the saw mill down the street from my house. Gracie moves from the shade under the table to sunbathing in the front yard on a freshly cut lawn. Inside I have my one of my favorite playlists playing on my ipod and it is loud enough for me to hear from my seat. There wasn't time at work today for a lunch break, so I left 3o minutes early which was made for a very excited Kari as I pulled into my driveway at 3:50pm. 

This is the life I am supposed to live. Every so often I get these glimpses into what is important, where I find true joy and happiness, and where my purpose lies. Right now as I survey the scenery I am reminded that while there a hundred options and directions that constantly move through my mind, one thing is certain and that is Jesus. I know that I am supposed to love Him. I know that I am supposed to live my life for Him. I know that I am supposed to die for Him, so that I can be made more in His image. 

Next to my computer sits my cell phone that goes off periodically with text messages from friends that live away from my residence. Underneath it is my moleskin that I started last August when I left VA for California, and stopped writing in it on December 22nd leaving the last 60 pages or so blank. I switched to the "This is Your Thailand Journal" that Matty gave me for Christmas, and it only seems right as I completed that moleskin to start fresh in a new one. I have flipped through the pages of the California Adventure/Fall Time one often while writing my fantastic memoir, and sometimes I ache to be that version of me sitting with a pen with nothing else to do then document and describe all that my heart danced about. As I have tried to settle my brain down a little bit to spend some time writing, I have flipped through and read some of myself back to myself and here are things that have particularly hit a nerve:

22 October 2007

"Do I feel more alive in these memories in these longings than I do in the reality of where I am sitting? Do I prefer the traveling version of me better then I like the 'at rooted' point of view I have at home? Do I fear tossing all those dreams aside because I have made my bet on something I am not sure will happen? How did I get here? 

Looking at past entries I notice my opening lines: "Today has been a ____ day." 

They weren't all great. They weren't all perfect by any stretch of the imagination. But they were real, and they were true. And I was happy. Tired. And sad all at the same time. It has been a serious ball of emotion and I sometimes wonder if I am going at the speed I am just so I won't have to stop and ever truly feel or remember it, or acknowledge where changes needs to happen. Fear of always being alone. Fear of not being missed. Fear of packing. Of leaving. Fear of staying. Forever. Not doing all the moves that come with being such a dreamer. Fear of crying. Of never being able to get all the tears out that have been bottled up. Fear of never crying. Never getting any damp expression of emotion out of my heart. Fear of starting over. Fear of never moving on.

A letter to self...

24 October 2008

Dear Kari,

I am so sorry I do not take better care of your heart. I am sorry that I neglect who you can truly be when you love Jesus first and most. I am sorry that I sell you out and make you believe lies so that you can find rest and comfort in never having to be vulnerable. In the tomorrows you will be challenged and you will be changed. Remember to love you too. Remember Jesus rose from the dead so that you could have life. It will not be easy. And it will not be perfect. But it will be your journey. And you will need to live it. Take your burdens to the only one who can save you. Listen to His voice. Absorb the ways He has tried to get your attention that you've missed. Rest fully in His power. Tonight, this night, go to bed. You will need your energy in the morning. Do not take for granted this most divine opportunity to be better tomorrow then you were today, in Christ Alone. 

Love, 

K

I am thankful that I have pages of my heart to read back to myself. I am thankful that with me in every destination I have my journal with me so that if I think of something random I can jot it down easily and revisit the idea later. I am thankful that these books I have invested my entire heart and soul into are my treasures, and they are my mirrors. The image I see when I read them are glimpses into the person I have been and becoming, and they are visions of experiences that I get to relive in the written word. I am thankful that despite time, the questions I was battling October 22, 2007 are still relevant, and the letter to self still speak volumes of a truth I pray desperately to latch onto with more assertiveness. 

Here and Then... its a perfect moment. With a Diet Coke, some homemade salsa, and my beloved dog at my feet... I am thankful that while not content with particular situations, relationships, or journeys that I am certain that this is the life I am supposed to be living. That by documenting my thoughts regardless of their varying emotions or assertions have always centered me back into what matters, much like a great friend who speaks truth. 

The breeze is moving quickly around and through the trees, and my wind chime is dancing in its wake. I feel enveloped by possibility. I feel a hug from the Savior who is whispering to me in the wind that He is with me on this. He believes in Me. And while I desire the human touch of a friend to say much the same, I can rest in this most perfect moment... right here. 

Day by Day

Since my last post I have transitioned into my part time role at the Bank. On Friday afternoon as I ticked the hours down on my work day I was elated that I made the choice that I did. On Saturday I spent the day with Mandy in C'ville and had a great time. It was fun to window shop, and check out the gift stores in the Downtown Mall shopping area and take note of things that I liked, that I plan to investigate more next week at the Gift Show. Later that night I saw Wall-E with Sunshine and Tex, and then returned home to hang out and get some writing done. You know when the end is in sight, but you can't help but slow down instead of speed up to complete something? I am nearing the end of the book that I've been writing, and I have dropped my productivity rate significantly. I'm happy with most of it, but in my mind I know that there is a running list of things I want to change, implement, expand, or delete. I am not satisfied with slowing down, and sometimes I just want to lock myself in my room to round it out...and other times I just want to think some more on it and not rush it. I think I'm also nervous about finishing it because I will miss it, and I don't do really well with endings or with the idea that it will be read and the very intimate process of being vulnerable will then open itself up to criticism and opinion. Right now, its all still very safe in my little world.

I was so excited to get to church on Sunday and see a good friend of mine doing music for the service, who typically attends the Waynesboro sight of Tabernacle. We talked for a little bit, and it was great to touch base and hear his response to my latest idea to go part time and pursue photography with some more intention. I really like my church. I really like that I am comfortable there, even though I still feel like the new kid on the block and not really familiar with everyone who attends. I feel cared for by a couple there who are Young Life friends, and that brings my heart comfort when I am feeling a little out of place or insecure because I've been attending church solo. The affirmation in knowing that Tabernacle is where I am supposed to worship every week has been consistent, but I think in the summer schedule and attending by myself each week has proven to myself that I love it there, and loving it there has nothing to do with whether Tex or Mandy are with me... even if I miss our lunch dates afterwards. My pastor is on sabbatical for the summer, and I'm disappointed selfishly because I really enjoy him and his message each week.

The Lord has answered my prayer in a big way with Tabernacle. When I was traveling and visiting friends I was able to attend some amazing churches, and even scheduled visits to them so that I would be there on a Sunday. I have notes in the Moleskin from messages that touched my heart and challenged me from pastors who are strangers to me. Those visits with those churches always left me aching for something at home that I could feel part of, challenged in, and excited to be in attendance. It was one of the things that I prayed every day about, that the Lord would help me find a church home in Virginia, because lacking that home was a con on my every growing and changing 'pro/con Lexington residence list'.

So yeah. I'm feeling excited about the future. I'm feeling terrified about making the wrong choice. I pray continually for the Lord's will and purpose. I am not going to like, I still seek popular opinion and affirmation. But most of the time? I just want a hug. A good, solid, arms around me, hug with a squeeze that says, "I'm with you on this. I believe in you."