garden.

In the book "The Shack" there are many legitimate theological debates. There are those who feel very strongly about those debates and will discredit the imagery and imagination found in the pages. I read it almost two years ago in the midst of a trip to California with the Boys. At the time (and this statement writes like a broken record), I was just really struggling. Days before the trip I stood in my kitchen with Matt and Tex and just randomly lost it about every last thing that I was upset about. The core of that issue was not that I was just struggling, it took me over a month to articulate the truth of the matter to Tex in the car on the way back from Thanksgiving weekend in Ohio/Kentucky. I had made a poor decision in a friendship, and I crossed a boundary that I had been hurt by in the past, thinking that it didn't matter. However, it did matter and in the end I did damage to my heart and had to let go of the friendship.

While sitting on a plane to return to the East Coast October of 2008 I read a poignant part of The Shack which I have carried with me since. Now, please excuse me as I butcher this retelling, but this is what I remember from it and what mattered to me. Mack, the main character arrives to the shack in the woods and is outside with a transcendent deity that works in the garden. In Mack's opinion the garden is a haphazard mess, to which the deity exclaims in joy "yes! I love it". There is no organization, rhyme or reason for what is being cultivated in the garden in Mack's eyes. Yet, he obeys and together Mack and the Spirit clear out a particular section and rework some areas. In the wrapping up and unveiling of the trinity and deity of Christ in the book we learn that the Holy Spirit was working in the garden, and that the mess and unconventional beauty in the horticulture is really Mack's own heart- and during their time together Mack and the Holy Spirit created space for what was to come. While the book is filled with poignant imagery, it has been this description that has made the longest impression.

Our hearts are gardens. They are a beautiful combination of sunflowers, roses, and even some overgrown plants and weeds. I admit that I have resented the process of growing and that I have stifled the pruning. I too often try to control what gets planted and how fast it grows, and in other times when I am focused on what matters- I wait patiently for what I know to be true, to come. I wish I could say that upon its arrival I believe it naturally and easily. I have found myself more comfortable in the waiting at times then I have in the vulnerability required in accepting something prayed for in trust and thanksgiving.

China was different. I left with some big questions and I left with some definite preoccupations of the heart and mind. There were moments in days that beckoned the voice of only one person, or comfort (and even times when I did not know whose voice I wanted to hear, or what comfort I desired... I just wanting something). What was created in the wanting was space. What arrived to fill that space was the Lord. I was able to take some inventory of my heart, and I searched it. I paused before areas that I could recognize the beauty, blessings, and growth of my life and I was silent in gratitude. And I stood in the wake of change in my heart and I started a conversation, and I prayed for discernment and courage.

I thought, prayed, wrote, was silent, and talked my way through my experience at New Day with those on my team, and others that I met there. I went to bed early each night, and I woke up early each morning. I wrote in my Moleskine, and I wrote in emails. I decided to be transparent and honest when writing my blog and prayer email updates. I began to live what I felt I was being taught, and that was that we are meant to be known. That God's love, light, and Grace are to be shared in the truth of our lives- the good the bad the ugly. When we live in joy regardless of our circumstances, our Father in Heaven is glorified.

The garden in my heart was able to be transformed because I understood that the mess was going to be used to grow and change me. I made room for what was to come because I was able to let go of what was. There was no television to watch, cell phone to answer, or magazine to read. Every action, every motivation was focused simply on loving kids in China for Jesus, while understanding my voice could not describe it in articulating theology.

Right now I am sitting in the cottage my family has rented in Mystic, Ct for the week to celebrate Jon and Krystal getting married on Sunday. I arrived back to the States after a 36 hour travel day that was the worst experience flying to date. I was up for almost 48 hours straight before I forced myself to go to bed last night, and then I woke up 4 hours later. I sit here in this chair and my mind wanders and I am grateful. I didn't know how I would feel getting back, and I didn't know how I would feel after talking to some important people in catching up and reconnecting. Now that those things have past I can see how the Lord was preparing in my heart a place to listen and speak upon arrival. I knew that I couldn't let what I learned live only in China, and I could not keep my feelings locked away. Yesterday I came home, and I was able to invite. I was vulnerable and I was honest, and in doing so I was able to share the garden of my heart and I invited those I love to sit with me and talk... and I was able to listen. Yet my hearing was infused with clarity from Christ and I was able to rest.

I will always imagine my time abroad recently a lot like Mack going to work in His garden. It wasn't a dream sequence and it was hard. But in the time and space and commitment to pray I was able to appreciate that everything that has happened has worked for a purpose and that I could not have gotten to this place without it. That what I perceive to be a ridiculous jumbled mess is considered beauty in the eyes of the Creator- whom is always doing a work in my heart and life.

The garden. A composition of overgrown and perfectly manicured horticulture. Thankful for the work of the Master in it, but also for the ability to invite you in and sit awhile with me here.

shine.

"It is easy to acknowledge, but almost impossible to realize for long, that we are mirrors whose brightness, if we are bright,

is wholly derived from the sun that shines upon us."

-C.S. Lewis

For the past few mornings I have woken up to watch the sunrise- only to find the rising sun masked by a heavy blanket of Tokyo fog. Perhaps part of this driving force to wake up comes from the remembered goodness of Santorini last summer and wanting to connect to something authentically beautiful. However there is more to it then that.

I have always always loved Sunsets. I have written about them, and I have hundreds of captured images of the sun falling into the ocean for a long nights rest. I wrote last year in an email to a friend the epiphany I had about the difference between my love of sunsets, and their love of sunrises. I was able to understand in myself that I love the closing of a day, I love the promise of the next one. I love knowing it all begins again. I noticed in my friend how it made sense that they would love sunrises. They are eternally hopeful. I could appreciate that by watching the sun rise in the morning that they don't have to wait to know that tomorrow could or might be better- they get to see it unfold and know for certain that the sun did rise, and that each day is another gift. I have always waited. My hope has rested in the promise as the sun says goodnight. They were silent before it, their hope lived in the arrival in the new day. What I loved about watching the Sunrise last year while on Santorini was the silence. You could hear each wave hit the shore, and in between you could hear your own heart beat. There is an uncanny attention in silence when we first wake up. No wonder the best times with the Lord are in the early morning hour before all the noise pollutes our ears and distracts our spirits.

It may have taken me a really long time to get to this place... but the greatest thing about waking up the past morning and gazing into the movement of the Tokyo Bay has been the clarity and the conviction that has come. The sky has turned from its darkness of night to a bright hazy day, and even though I have not seen the sun introduce itself, I know it has come.

I begin the long journey home in about 24 hours my time. I will be returning to Eastern Standard Time. I will in fact be going back in time... but this heart that has learned and felt so much in the creases of each day, the love of those cuddled with, and the stillness of the past few days alone does not want to lose what I learned in the time change. I do not know the capacity in which this adventure will be shared, or whom I will sit before and talk about the details. I do not know many things about the future. But I do know a few things for certain.

The Call was Love.
I was productive and I was used.
I was vulnerable and I was restored.
I was broken and I was healed.
I was tired and I was given rest.
I was joyful and I was blessed.
I was still before the Lord and I was able to hear.
I was away and I came not back, but To.

Last summer I woke up to take pictures of the sunrise for a beloved friend. I walked away knowing more about the friendship because I was able to understand our differences. A year later (almost exactly), my heart after all of this time feels more hope and joy in watching the day begin then I ever have in watching it end. I may have taken a long time to get here, and I may be influenced by someone who has always loved them- but I got to this place finally able to hear the authentic voice that comes with stillness and silence before a waking day. I found it in Faith, but I was able to recognize it in Love. (aren't you proud?)

The cage is gone. Wings are flight. This smile, is shining bright.

Come To Me.

When I left for China I heard what I thought was my phone ringing but it was just "Come Back to Me" on the radio in a car that was pulled up to the curb at the airport. I took a double take for sure, and then I went on my way. I have thought a lot about that song since I've been gone, and while I will always treasure its connection to someone special, it has changed here in Asia.

It's so bizarre and today I was standing in line for the Tower of Terror, and I was thinking about the email I plan to send Sunday morning to my prayer warriors before I leave- and I got completely choked up. People, seriously. I almost lost it (in a good way). In comparison to every massive adventure of my life in the past five years (California '05, leaving Staff '07, Thailand '08, Europe '09, and now Asia '10: btw I realize how enormously blessed I've been to be able to write that list), in the close of those trips and times I was always really grateful for the experience and knew in my heart I was ready to get home: back to the grind, etc. Sometimes I came back hurting more then not, but the high of the adventure was euphoric and I was content there. However, this is the first time I can say in complete honesty that I am really excited for the adventure that waits for me at home in the States. I will miss this time, and I have missed my friends at New Day, and I have hurt my way through epiphanies and realities... but today while waiting for my turn to scream and shrill on a ride, I heard clear as day from the Lord not, "Come Back to Me"- but "Kari. Come to Me." And then quickly after thought of my favorite part from Falling Slowly and I just tried so hard not to cry.

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

In the midst of impatient and ridiculously dressed Japanese tourists in line for a ride I had the most intimate and peaceful moment with the Lord. It was a great example of how He will speak to us at any moment, and in any place- we just need to have the ears to listen.

I have been the moodiest and most manically emotional person this year. Actually- lets just be honest, probably the past 2, maybe even 3. I know that most of it is based on how well I'm taking care of myself and making sure I eat three times a day, etc... but the bigger failure is that I have not taken care of my heart and spirit in communion with Christ. I got lazy, because I got tired. I have had some unmistakable times with the Creator during this time of manic and mania emotional distress and dysfunction. I have grown in some ways infinite amounts, but I have been made painfully aware in recent weeks that my moods have erased me, have painted my view at times more black then white... and in this wild adventure serving the Lord in China I was able to see that I have been at war with myself for a really long time.

The experience of New Day and the children I met, and the team I worked with was a purposed vehicle that was in place before I even knew or understood what I was going to learn there. I am thankful that by not moving to Indy, and pursuing the future with Tex, that I was free and wide open to go on the trip with Cathy and Sarah. I will always be indebted to the ways that Tex has pushed me and challenged me to be a person who "goes" boldly forward into the craziness abroad. He has always prayed and hoped in what I would find, and has celebrated with me in the triumphs and hurt with me when circumstances were painful. In those ways he has been a part of the fabric of the traveling in the past three years in a greater capacity then anyone else in my life. It's a gift- and he has a collection of postcards that have articulated the journey that one day will be used to craft the memoir (and possibly a movie too...? I day dream about who would be cast in my lead role).

This time and this adventure, has been different. It hasn't been about self reliance, independence, personal beauty, captured images, or a marathon of 6 weeks alone. This time I was called only to go serve, love and participate in service capped off with some time in Tokyo. I was terrified and emotional and completely a basket case preparing to leave (as previous posts have detailed, its been a challenged time). In the past I've tried to hold onto home and the past while trying to grasp the present. This is the first time ever, ever, ever- that I let completely go, of everything. I didn't want my hands to be full, I wanted to be open to catch and touch it all.

However, what happened here has been huge. Because I went, I was able to come not just back but more importantly to Jesus, and I saw clearly the darkness in which I was drowning, and I heard the invitation to win the battle that I've been losing on my own with the only love that exhibits perfect commitment with His children. He isn't afraid of choosing us, He isn't afraid of us hurting Him so much that He holds back. He is extravagant. He is merciful and gracious. His love is so great it bestows us with free will and a choice. There is no half way with Him. It was death on a cross in plain day. I need to love more freely and completely in this way, and I have already begun to see some major shifts and changes in some relationships.

My life has completely changed in this way. I am wrapping up my time here in Tokyo and have loved Disney, and am going to experience some authentic Japanese culture next. I have had the opportunity to hold the hands of preschoolers in China, and in turn have had my heart most delicately and intimately restored and healed by Christ.

What waits for me at home is difficult. I have a house to get ready to sell, a listing process, and some decisions about the future to make. I know that it will be hard to stay focused when everyday stressors and triggers are reintroduced into my life (don't worry I already have accountability lined up about this topic specifically!), but I know that I return to the States on Sunday night a girl completely in Love with the Savior... the adventure at home is going to be bigger and greater then this one because I am ready. I am focused. And I am restored.

What is your war?

He's just waiting and loving you to come... so together you can win.

Enduring. Surviving.

"You're a bird who's been in a cage all your life, and suddenly all the walls are gone. And you're in the wide open, you're so afraid you're looking for anyway back into the cage again. Whatever you choose to think now, its not safer there. Even if you tried to go back now I don't think you could survive that way again. He was right. She knew he was. She had reached the end of enduring. But what if she couldn't fly?" ~redeeming love


In several ways I have operated in a cage. Not quite sure if the open air was safe enough to live in. I have invited others in to my cage and there we have huddled together. And then there are a very select few, that when I am with them I am free. I am myself. But there is always a war in my heart- and unfortunately I have often been afraid of losing myself in love and community that I have quietly placed back the wires, returned to my cage, and shut the small door- waiting for more secure weather.

In January I reached my breaking point in some facilities and I could not handle the breaking heart in my body for the suffering I was witnessing. I was in Florida visiting my family and hanging out with friends, and I was broken for the hurt and struggle I witnessed in my sister. It was the first time in my entire life that I could not handle it. At war in my heart was the old way I dealt with things- busy busy, happy happy, don't talk about what I was thinking/feeling, quiet down, walls up. And then there was the way that has grown most- the invitation. The offering of things true and burdened so that I can be loved. The war of the past won, and I wanted to go home. I didn't want to go to Disney World (craziness), and everything after the defeat wasn't good enough and I was miserable. There was no love. For me, there was nothing left.

When I got back to Virginia I realized that this was not good, and I started meeting with a fantastic family therapist with a healthy, upward perspective. I went every week. I never cried, I just talked. What I heard come out of my mouth were things and recognitions that I had ignored for my entire life, and the best part of what I was learning was that I was to be known. To be open. To speak what I thought and felt. To give my own thoughts and feelings value. That is such a struggle for me.

I stopped going regularly because I was hanging out in Ohio, Kentucky, and Oregon while not moving anywhere. It was crazy. I don't know what I was thinking. Anyway, my point is that I returned to Connecticut before I went to Oregon to help prepare Krystal's wedding. I was like the lost broken girl in Florida. I was beaten down by my own expectations, and I was listening and supporting and loving my sisters during that week. I was tired. I missed my dog, I missed my life in Virginia, and most of all- I could not articulate that I most of all missed Me. For me, again, there was nothing left.

I was back to surviving. I was back to the war I lost in January, and I lost it again. I forgot what I had learned in therapy and I was back in the cage.

In China because the call is love, and because the only way to show love is to be honest, and vulnerable I have found myself outside of the cage. I am living for 12 days in community pursuing the same purpose, and functioning part of a team I just met. They know the baggage I left at home, and they ask questions about my past. But carefully and tenderly I have found myself out of the miserable comfort of the cage, and I am here... I am me. And sometimes I am scared of flying, and sometimes I don't want to fly alone... and sometimes I don't even know where I am flying to... but the space outside the confinement has been liberating.

Jesus causes everything to work together. I too often forget this powerful message.

We are meant to live outside the walls. Our lives are meant to be beacons of light for those living in the darkness. We are supposed to fall on our knees broken in seeing the world for what it is, but rise again in joy and hope.

What made me think that I was not worth taking the time to understand that the cage was killing me?
Why did I know in January that enough was enough, but then in May forget what learned in the short time I spoke with someone?
How could I quit me, and yet expect that no one else would?
When did I choose the wrong fight, and how was it possible I never saw it?

My life has been a fantastic adventure. I have seen so much and I have done so much more then I could ever fully express gratitude for. I have been the envy of Pat, whom has often said she'd give anything to travel without commitments, family, children, etc... to give her life and love in pursuit of truth around the globe. I am lucky. I would never trade it. Perhaps for the first time in my life I am dealing with things that have hurt me in the past and I am trying to reconcile them in my heart to allow healing to come. But when it didn't come fast enough, I got scared it never would, and so I began managing myself instead of giving myself to the only one who could help me. He ends the cycle. I can't. I don't have the touch. It hasn't worked, and it never will.

The cage. It's not safer inside of it. I am in the most vulnerable and open space I have ever been in. At home I have family and friends who were cautious about my time in China, but also completely convinced I was going to learn great things. I left with their encouragement, and I knew in my heart that being away in this moment was the best plan and purpose. With a week left, I can confidently say that my relationship with Jesus is eternally changed.

I am loving on children who are confined by the walls of this facility for their care and for the nurturing of their spirits. I am meeting people who cannot sing, dance, and be liberated in their love of the Lord. I am meeting people who are living in joy, and yet are completely confined by the restrictions placed on them. They do not have a choice to remain in a cage, but my goodness- they fly.

I will never forget this aspect of this trip.

Freedom comes. I have seen glimpses of it this year, and I am learning how to win the war that wages. I am going to lose sometimes, but I am encouraged because I can reflect on times that this battle has been waging and I have won because I have understood who is my sword and where to rest my wings.

My future is going to be a fantastic adventure. I am so excited. I have never felt maternal- but my goodness, this week has pulled and ignited a love that I didn't know I had. I have been scared of commitment, of being vulnerable, of being known. I have been so scared of making the wrong choice, being with the wrong person- that I have forgotten that in choosing truth, I can rest. So while I wait still, I wait differently. Marriage will come someday, and so will a family. I know now what I am waiting for is worth it, and I know that being an advocate for myself, and flying in joy and freedom that the adventure to come will surpass every stamp in my passport. I came to China really confused, really hurt, really scared, and really unsure. I will be leaving China filled with gratitude and love- and insatiable desire to fight for what I believe is true, and that true love always wins, never quits, is patient, encourages, and that my life is meant to be shared, lived, loved, and flown with others.


What is your cage?
Where do you live?
Are you safer there? Have you reached the end of enduring?

Loves.
An adventure waits. The rain, the sun, the storms and the rainbows... the sun is going to rise. I promise.

The cage. Is gone. The wings are in motion.

Let's go.

Productivity

Today after lunch Pat and I took a walk into the village and we shared about our lives and what holds our hearts attention at home (Pat is a lawyer in Charlotte, was married 10 years and has a 15 year old son- and believe it or not lived in Ridgefield for 6 months during a job relocation 15 years ago). We spent the last part of the walk talking about India and she invited me to take a trip with her there this fall to spend time sightseeing but mostly to serve and volunteer in a specific capacity. My response was classic, "I don't have plans for the fall", but I did say that I needed a job and I needed to list my house to sell. We agreed that I needed do those things, but come September she would contact me about booking a flight to Bombay. This cracked me up. I would not be surprised in the slightest bit if in November to celebrate my birthday I took a service related trip to India, AND pursued some business opportunities as she has encouraged me to pursue my art. It's a crazy story. But the short of the long of it is, we took a walk into a small isolated village outside where we are and by the time we returned I began to sense a part of my heart that has being aching and dying in recent months- the productive and proactive inspired part. The part of me that has been on hold "waiting" to see what was going to happen, that has I think in many ways killed a lot of what makes me healthy. Those aspects of my mind are being rekindled and restored here in China. I still have an action plan for my return to Virginia in July, but I am hopeful that it will accomodate a trip to the land of elephants, camels, and culture I have only dreamed of meeting come this fall.
I know that it was ultimately my choice to not move to Indianapolis this March. I know that I am my own person and I made the best decision I could in the midst of a really significant change in my life: the committed relationship with Tex. I remember him saying it was a leap of faith, and I knew and believed in the moment it was the right choice. However, since then I have rethought it many times, and I wish I knew then what I know for certain now. I know that we are not what we do, and that we are defined more by how who we love, serve, and the authenticity of the breathes we take in whom we honor. I realize that it has been my choice to maintain my schedule and time away from home. I was so afraid of the pressure and stress living in my house amidst boxes and a choice to not move, that I avoided it. Hindsight is always 20/20, and now I realize that my absence from my own home base significantly screwed with my head. While I learned a lot, and I felt closeness in some relationships I will treasure, I can see now how it slowly killed my ability to gain perspective, sleep a true real nights sleep in my own bed (therefore ALWAYS being exhausted), and how it took out of my equation some aspects that made me, Me. I think because of this realization and perspective I am excited to return to Virginia in July. Even though my bigger picture plan is still unknown, I am absolutely certain what step one, two, and three need to be for me. I hope that by putting those things back in place I will not regret the time I spent with those I love in the "waiting", but will put me back on a track I will be most like myself. At the end of my time in Ct I was so tired, drained, and anxious. I can honestly say that I don't know how I pulled it together to get on a plane to fly to Oregon, and then when I was there I was just a shell. A lost version of Kari, the one without roots, without a home to call my own, and in so many ways the lies in my head that cycle just broke me down. In the midst of doing wedding edits and preparing Chelsea and Matthew's package the perfectionist part of my mind took full and center control and focus. It took away the joy I find in capturing the image and I came to some clear conclusions about what I wanted to do creatively in my future. It was a great experience in that regard, but it was difficult. I didn't know how to narrow down and articulate what was so hard in my head to Tex, but here it is absolutely crystal clear. In the stress, perfectionism, and lack of real focus or roots I become unglued and I become moody, self reliant, quiet, and not very nice. I get scared, I want to be an island, and I don't trust that others seek to carry burden or live life WITH me. This all came to a three month head right before I left for China. I was a time bomb. In more ways then not I feel bad for Tex, and even more because at the time I could not pin point what it was. Thankfully my apology was met with forgiveness, and there were good moments in Oregon like making t-shirts for Team Curtis, lots of Salsa, playing some games, porch sitting, wine sipping, tv watching (not those Law&Order/CSI hours, no thanks). But in the end I left unsure and confused because I didn't yet know what I absolutely know right now.
We make choices and take leaps of faith in hope for something greater, a dream captured, and in this case I took one for a boy. I will not say I regret it, but I will say that I wish Tex and I had been wiser about how to keep me productive, and stimulated, during the pursuit of the future- so that in turn we would both benefit from a not tired, not emotionally drained or spiraled down version of me.
I still do not know what the rest of my summer, or the fall will bring. But today I started dreaming, and I started asking questions. They weren't contingent on "what If's", or "this could" statements. Those things still matter, and they always will. I met my time in China with availability and an open heart to whatever way I could be used and in whatever need existed. I have felt more productive in the past four days then I have in four months. I will hold onto this lesson, because in the productivity I have heard a voice I recognize come out of my mouth, and I have thought things from a part of my brain come to life again.
We are not what we do. But we are often what we think. And because I spent so much of the past few months thinking about things I could not predict or control, I wasn't able to fully participate and be vulnerable in a way that would make anything easy. Home is coming. There is a beautiful house in Lexington, Va that has packed boxes and yes, many of those boxes will remain taped... but there is a hammock, a puppy dog, and a bed that all beckon me to return home- and as we wait for what is to come, we will be productive and be brave in our home base.
I learned those things today while walking to a village in a far off land... as we passed people on the street playing games, selling their farm cropped goods, and day dreamed about venturing to India.... Friends. Let's not be surprised when that last part actually happens. (Yes, I already looked up airfare).
Love.Love.

Joy Upon Arrival.

This morning I woke up earlier then normal and went about my routine. I admit after some time reflecting I closed my book and journal and complained about what was waiting for me this morning. My complaining was a reflection of my day yesterday, and as soon as the thoughts exited my mouth I regretted them. I caught myself and told the person I was speaking to that I realized I was being ridiculous (an act of growth in recent weeks) and preceded to walk down the hallway and into the preschool room.

I was touched and beside myself when Mathias who is being adopted and his forever family came to the facility today ran up to me, threw up his arms and wanted to be held for a full on hug. When I put him down then Philip, his best friend and brother in foster care wheeled over in his precious chair and with equal enthusiasm shared his joy in my arrival.

I had a day yesterday in that I felt emotional broken and beaten down by circumstances I left at home. For the first time since my arrival I wasn't chasing down jet lag, and I wasn't riding on the thrill of a new adventure... I was me in China, and I was still dealing with the Me that left the States. And I was sad. I was overwhelmed leaving for this trip and I was fairly emotionally exhausted, even though I was given some purpose and direction as far as an action plan in regards to the confusion... but yet sometimes when common logic is missing, and what you know is often not reflected in what you feel... you sit and just feel sad. I think this led me to the realization that of all of my traveling in the past couple of years, this is the first time I have actually felt alone. Without the Facebook access here in China, I cannot upload pictures and have that connection to home. And there isn't iChatting to coordinate to meet up over breakfast/late night snacks. My email has been quiet for the most part and I have missed some people very much and have just hurt for wanting to connect. In many ways I am completely in my element here. I am being stretched yes, but I am also being used. I know how to function in a team, I understand what makes one successful, I am being trusted with choices and directions, and mostly I am being used in the facility of love- to nurture, to challenge, and to be honest. Yet... when continents collide and I am found empty and without much nourishment the sadness came.

Today however I woke and in my quiet and anxiety I wondered if today was going to be like yesterday and I asked for guidance, and I asked for comfort. Before I was able to wait to see if either would appear I spoke, in fear. But 10 steps later two giggling boys exclaimed joy in my presence. I felt encouraged to remember to exclaim and live joy. To stay focused on the truth, to speak in Love, and to remember in small moments we find the courage to move into the larger ones.

Included is a picture of my friend Philip outside in the rain. Today we learned about rain and the weather, and we decided that in light of the pouring down rain what better way to learn about rain- then to PLAY in it. So we jumped and we ran, and we laughed, and we played... and we (adults) became child like in our joy for simple pleasures and miraculous wonders of nature. It was a great moment in my heart.

Two little boys giggled when I arrived to class today. They found Joy in my arrival. How I need to learn to continue to be joyful in all circumstances, for in each sunrise a new day begins- its a promise kept, that the darkness did break, the morning did come and that he will be with us, that in our sadness we will know love and in love we can express joy... Yes, I thought of all of these things simply from walking through a door to begin a new day with my new precious friends, all the way around the world.

The Call is Love.

Robert and Ethan

Are best friends. They go everywhere with together. I sometimes liken them to the 'two peas in a pod', Winnie the Pooh and Tigger, or a beloved returning favorite, Buzz Lightyear and Woody. I can't imagine seeing one without the other. When riding on the bicycle with training wheels, Ethan leads the mission with Robert sitting on the back with his feet neatly placed on the training wheels brace. Because Ethan can't do a full pedal motion with Robert hanging on the back, he goes back and forth in an up and down motion so as to move them forward and keep the adventure going. Today I was hanging out in the "tree house/play house" in the preschool room and watched them play with each other, both with their aprons on cooking, up a storm and serving their 'guests'. I imagined myself a little girl in Ridgefield playing in the back yard with my own personal play house that was made to replicate the larger home we all lived in, and I spent countless hours pretending. Creating worlds that did not exist to my older siblings or parents. Dreaming of what life had in store and all that would unfold later.

The call here in China is simple. Love. It's what matters most and it is what lives on and multiplies in our lifetimes. Yesterday afternoon I met Robert and Ethan, and today I got to know them. They are quirky and fun, and full of life as they navigate the social scene in their school and home environment. They are my favorites.

The story will change on Thursday. Ethan is getting adopted. Ethan is going to what the staff call, his 'forever home'. Robert will be here. I know that they are preschoolers, and I know that they will not remember much of this time. And yet I sit here tonight knowing that I will remember these days of their years. I will remember Ethan being picked up by his new parents, and I will remember going into class the next day and hanging out with Robert as he experiences his first day without his best friend. In so many ways my heart knows exactly what he will feel like. And I know that the expanse of time will come and routine will help... but sometimes you just want someone to hold you and remind you, that you are loved and to not give up.

This had me thinking today about all the friends I have had in my life, those who have exited as quickly as they entered, those who have completely changed the course of my life, and the others whom I fight fiercely to hold onto. I wondered who I missed when I was four after they moved to a new town, or who held my hand on the way to the playground knowing I was sad for such a particular reason. Who holds onto those days for me. In many circumstances we can associate those nuances of life with our parents. They were there. They know. However I am learning more and more recently, how often I felt more alone then not.

Ethan is going to his forever home. Robert remains. The future is unknown for both but yet we are hopeful. Robert has a life threatening heart condition and his life expectancy is not long. You would not know it by meeting him, and you cannot imagine it after holding his hand and heart for a little while each day. I came into this time emotionally exhausted and ultimately confused and sad. I will not be leaving less tired, but I will be leaving different. Love is what matters most. Joy is what we choose. Friendships have to change because life is constantly moving. There is an unexplainable order to this chaos.

Robert and Ethan in this way will always be best friends even if their time together is drawing near. I will be their memory keeper even in this most small and minute way. Despite a language barrier, and age difference: Love is love. We know it when its real, and its the one thing we wish we fought harder for when its gone. I am learning a lot about love and relationships here across the world, but mostly I am learning things about myself that are introducing the Me I arrived, to the me I was when I was 5- a few of the future untarnished by difficulty or family drama trauma... and I am noticing that I came hoping for one thing, but am receiving so much more then I can even begin to unpack in this message alone.

Sharing and Caring

Some great things I have heard in the recent week in sermons, in friends, in the radio...

"Grace- its starting over. Our of death and darkness, it knows you, all secret things. Grace, its inviting you out of the darkness to lift you up to the only One who knows what you need and want. Don't stay there (the darkness), its death there. Let Him lift you up, I promise you He will never let you go."

"Submission is always a choice. It is rooted in love, because love always seeks to the interest of other people. Be challenged to do it for one another, it works. It is the only practical model for relationships. The cross is a context and frame work for relationships. Sacrifice your love and life for the benefit of those receiving it. God's plan in this way works on every level."

"When dealing with things of Faith you always choose the undeniable over the inexplicable. Somethings you can't explain, and you can't deny them either."

"Watching what God does, and then you do it. Like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with Him and learn a life of love. Observe a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was NOT CAUTIOUS but EXTRAVAGANT. He didn't love in order to get something from us, but to give everything of Himself to us. LOVE LIKE THAT."

"Everyone has a plan for the you they want you to be. God never plays the comparison game and God never has an expectation of you that can't be met... only that you be you. Best version of you with God."

"Grace is receiving what you don't deserve to receive at all."

"The only thing that counts is Faith expressing itself in Love" Gal. 5:6

"You are our letter. Written not in ink, but with the spirit of the living God, not on stone tablets but on the tablets of human hearts." 2 Cor 3:2-3

"But if we hope for what we do not have, we wait for it patiently." Romans 8:25

Back to Basics...? argh.

Today I am boarding a flight first to Toronto, and then I will have about an hour before I take my flight to Beijing. I will be in the air for 2 hours, then 13- and will by end of air travel have gone 7,186 miles.

Life this morning looks distinctly different then when I was last in this airport departing for Oregon and even different then my return back on Monday morning. Suffice it to say that I may be confused about the future and what the good Lord has planned I have learned a tremendous amount this week about love, Godly pursuit, and how without Christ's blood and love as the glue- nothing ever truly holds together.

I wish I could say that considering myself a mature Christian, that I was in fact mature. I think my immaturity in this regard has shown its true colors and I have found myself often this week on my knees to the Father repenting for the ways that I was too quick to speak, or was too burdened in silence. How He calls us to SHARE our lives, to Glorify HIM in the seams of it, and yet when I am scared or troubled I act much like the young girl trying to survive hard family dynamics and turmoil. I recently said to Tex and my good friend Sandy that I didn't want to simply feel like I was surviving life, but that I wanted to LIVE it. In doing so I recognize that there are things that I am in bondage too, and lies that I submit to believing because I am not able to gather the perspective enough that God's love is eternal and more then ENOUGH for me. That who I am in this life should be a reflection of my pursuit of His truth more then Satan's, and that to become refined and molded in His image means that I have to die more to myself then I think is physically/emotionally possible: every second of every day.

It's crazy that after years of loving Jesus, we can be so foolish at times and with other people's hearts and thinking we've got something covered and nailed. We are foolish to think that the sins of our parents, or our peers do not bleed into our own psyche and we are left making decisions in haste that we never would have considered if focused clearly and directly on Christ. However, we have to let them go. We can't quit. We need to focus on what matters most- and that is we are living, choosing, and giving ourselves to Love every day.

At the end of this travel day, which will place me in a time zone 12 hours AHEAD of EST, landing me in Beijing at 3-something am to me, but in the afternoon to them... I will be serving. What an interesting place in my spirit to be in this moment, and I am continually thankful that the good Lord has reminded me of His perfection this week in my complete and absolute imperfection.

Because I will be in China I will not be able to write this way for two weeks, but I will be updating it regularly with the help of my great friend Kerri. I'm hoping to email back a picture or two so she can post them for me, and will be able to keep the blog updated with anecdotes and stories of those children I will be loving for my time away.

My prayer is that I am able to remember things of truth in the coming weeks as I continue to give my heart in service and to Christ to be changed and molded in huge/life giving ways. I know that we become a reflection of what we think and believe, and I am praying sincerely that my mind will be filled with the promises of redemption, forgiveness, and resolve. To not continue to cycles, abuses, or lies of the past but to take each day and moment as a new opportunity to be more whole and purposed in Jesus.

Amen.

Love you. To the moon and back.