Grief.

Sometimes I think I read her blog and she is inside my head. I have a friend whom I have never lived in the same town as, or really shared community with- yet, we are in community together. I read her blog and sometimes I quote her here. I like her a lot. We exchange emails from time to time, and I find that I would love to just sit and talk for hours over coffee. But I live here, and she lives there- and so our community of friendship is found on the blogger.

Tonight I read her summary of this year, which dealt with a tremendous amount of grief and loss, but also growth.

As I read her thoughts I took a moment, a quick half second as to not let the thoughts carry me away- about the tremendous loss I too faced this year. The bottom that was hit. How everything hit the fan. And then before getting upset in unhealthy dimensions of continued frustration, I was able to pause for the joy that came too.

I am thankful that in the midst of trial and tribulation, and even most recently having just spent some time with Tex and his family over the Christmas break- that my joy was not robbed by grieving what was lost. True that memories can play tricks with us, and that the recent week has polluted my normal thinking with grievances about my relationship with my mom, childhood Christmas memories passed, and most tenderly what glances communicate that words can't with a beloved friend whom still knows the story. I am thankful that as I enter into 2011 I am not the same girl who stumbled into 2010, hoping to capture perfection, but instead understands the depth of her own sin, struggle, and defiance... but also knows in a new heightened awareness the capacity of love and forgiveness, friendship and pursuit, and mostly that you can come through loss, and you can overcome depression. You can. You can. You can.

But that doesn't mean that its your struggle alone. And the passage below relays to me that I've hurt those I've loved this year and in the past because of what I was losing. I get it. I'm hopeful that this is a lesson I only have to learn once. I'm thankful that in the midst of what I lost and had to let go of, I was able to capture the one thing that mattered... and that was a profound sense of purpose and self in Christ Jesus.

"I learned that there are as many ways to die as there are to live, and that death changes the core of those left behind. I know it's changed me. I learned that death takes bodies and leaves souls but depression takes the soul and leaves the body and no matter which robbing occurs there are those left to deal with the newly empty space. This year both of those losses found me."

Memory.

Sometimes I want to make a list of what is gone, so that I can remember that I actually had it once.

Then I think about how sad that list could become. Like a shrine for the past, that will never breathe life again.

And that's just hard because there are more times then not that I just want to be able to hold onto something that was real.

Like a tattoo to the heart or a branding iron to the skin. Just to remember. Just to know that in fact at one point my life touched that. At one point I loved and breathed and lived and laughed with that memory in its action and not just in the recollection of the event.

I don't know what to do with this desire.

I don't know what to do with the countless memories and moments that sometimes rise to the surface and I'm completely unable to let them just pass.

Instead they haunt and they populate and like the intention of ghosts I admit that they sometimes scare me.

How to be bold in this place of smoke and mirrors.

How to be safe in this place of memory and recollection.

I am not sure.

This week has been a lot of resurgence of memory. I have participated in family activities and tradition. I have been incredibly well loved and my time has been purposed well. I would not trade the company of those that I have kept for anything, though sometimes I wish the thoughts of the past would remain below.

And that is just where I'm at right at this moment.

holiday cheer.

Those of you who know me well, know that I have been sort of a Scrooge for the past few years.

I remember meeting up with Seth and Julie Michels in NKY Thanksgiving about... what was that? Three years ago? Yeah. Anyway- I was sharing my disdain for Family Choices and drama around the Holidays. Like there had be a resurgence of the hardship in my life, and it made me a bit of a Debbie Downer. Seth completely understand the dynamics of families endured and through Divorce situations. I felt like I was heard.

The journey however since that Thanksgiving has been hard. I've struggled with wanting something I can't have, and that has ruined my ability to be joyful in what is there. Last year I spent Christmas with the Pipers. It was difficult due to their previously announced divorce, but all in all, it was a great Christmas. Kristyn, Tex, and I laughed a lot- played a lot of Mario on the Wii, and just enjoyed each other. It was a gift. It was a prayed for time, and there was a lot of apprehension leading up to the time together, but I never have regretted it. It was beloved.

This year I am going to Emily's parents house. They are like parents to me, and when the debate this year came around about where I was going to spend my time, and what kind of time off I'd get there was a lot of struggle about not being able to go to South Dakota to see my sister. Since the invitation from Emily, I have thought "yeah if I can get the time off to justify the drive I will go."

I hosted Thanksgiving. I don't know if I could adequately describe how good the company was to have in my home, the view as I looked around the table at loved faces, or how I went to sleep each night to my full size bed- Gracie, and Mandy as we shared. It was warm. Cozy. Comfortable. Sublime. Quiet. Loud. Gregarious. Generous. And I felt so completely loved and able TO love without asking for, or wanting any singular thing to be different. I wrote as my Facebook status something completely true- as a girl who often struggles with a desire to fast forward, or rewind through life, I was most grateful for my ability to really pause and PLAY with the great loves in my life. It was a different pace of time. And it was a reflection of a hard fought and won year.

I am transitioning into thoughts of Christmas and all that entails. I may not love love Christmas music on a large scope, but I am enjoying my Josh Groban and Sugarland Holiday selections. I have laughed at work as the play list has been infused with Holiday Classics, and while I don't sing along- its a refreshing moment to be aware of the Season, its purpose, and how my heart is not dreading what is to come. I am content in my decision to see Emily, and am thankful that because of that choice and her family I will be driving through KY and OH and will be able to see Mandy, Kristyn, and then of course Tex as well.

I continue to pray about the time West of here. And I admit there are moments when I sense my panic come into play, and influence decisions that my common sense knows better then to indulge. I'm excited to celebrate our born King, and all the joy and hope that comes with the birth of a child. I continue to marvel at how much this year I have sensed myself "grow up", and wake up. But how much of that has really been remembering the simple pleasures in life, if you let them because the treasures that matter- and seeking Joy in all circumstances will completely change everything. everything. forever.

It's refreshing not feel like a Scrooge. Even if in moments I long for something that is not real. It's the trick of the heart and mind, and I am finding myself winning that battle more then losing it.

Thanksgiving was a gift. Treasure. And completely Jesus in every aspect. I am excited to feel similarly in a couple of short weeks as Christmas Celebrating with a family so precious to me will bring forth more joy, acceptance, love, and Godly perspective.

Thankful. For you. Still and Always.

xoxo

Kar

December, what?

I can't explain why right now this is hard. Writing is just hard.

There is a lot of goodness, joy, closure, peace, and happiness. I am doing well. And not just in a "I'm ok way"... like this morning I woke up and I have been waking up achey (debating a new mattress, or body transplant)-- but I stared up at the ceiling and I just felt like me, the me I love.

She's been back for awhile now. And at some point in the future I would like to have a conversation with Matty and Mandy about their thoughts about this year. Not that their opinions will change me or it, but I am just curious as they witnessed a lot, supported a lot, but the biggest things they both gave me was space and room. I seriously cannot imagine my life without them, and sharing Thanksgiving together as 'family' was humbling and profound for me. They have been the best friends- truly. I have always thought that Tex was the BFF, but in so many ways he was always the boyfriend. We emotionally dated forever before we dated, and we've always been some version of complicated. I think this realization is also because I have been thinking and praying a lot about the future, and my friends that I love that will one day meet their spouses and get married. I was thinking about "what if Matt started dating someone tomorrow?" and while I love Matt and will miss some of the attention, I can't wait to know who is bride is. I can't wait to meet her, love her, become friends with her, and just experience the newness. Nothing about my friendship with Matt would change. We have integrity, and we have boundaries. I just hope she lets me still call him Matty, and that we can still say "smooches" all the time. And then I thought about the man that I know is in Mandy's future. I just got all excited about this vision for her wedding, her dress, her smile, and her release into a life shared with someone. These two friends complete this year, and they have been the absolute best friends through tears, rain, shine, and in the celebration of this fall-- have never never let me down. I am just learning better how to let them into my chaos, my hurt, and my joy. It's changing everything.

I feel more grateful right now for the things I have, then I have in the past. I know that I sometimes struggle to hold onto something so tight that I'm unable to see how its infecting other places of my heart. And sometimes I stare at 'walls' hoping that they'll move, change, grow up, or capture me-- just be anything other then a wall. Staring never helps. I have found though that walking up to that wall, and carving out a door, so that I can walk THROUGH- does help.

Honestly. I just feel settled down.

Hope you are well- and loving this season!

Love.Love.

Kar

Soaring.

I am writing because I have to. There are some things in life that are sort of necessary to functioning, and if you don't practice the discipline then the functions of your core just seem to fade. What's ironic about knowing that I need to write more, is that I'm here right now: writing again. I brought my lap top, and Gracie to bed the other night and just wrote for a good long while about everything going on in my life, around me, my thoughts, my car rides, etc... and then blogger FAILED and didn't save my draft before I went to post it.

So these thoughts are sort of recycled. But don't worry, I don't think that they will feel used when you read them.

I've been thinking about a lot of different things, but for the most part I have this one thought everyday day about one particular place: The Airport.

For those of you that are not familiar with the location of my job, I work in Roanoke and to get off the exit you pass the off ramp towards the little small airport. I have frequented this airport. I have parked my car there days and days at a time. I have been dropped off, picked up, and even stranded there for hours as my flights have been delayed and/or cancelled. I know that there is nothing worth purchasing there for snacks. I know also that the advertisement for Roanoke Mountains in baggage claim proudly features a picture of my friend Patrick who was hired as a model for the shoot.

I have had a wild love affair with airports. I have loved them. I like the movement of transit. I like having to coordinate, "do I have enough time to go to the bathroom, get to currency exchange, and get Starbucks before I have to board my flight?". I like people watching and every so often people talking. I like looking at the magazines and deciding which ones I will purchase to keep my attention for my flight. In the air, I feel the comfort in confinement, which is interesting because I love wide open spaces. The energy and motion of moving from one place to another, waking up in one place and falling asleep across the country, or world... I love.

I hear flights preparing to land sometimes from inside the store. It's a familiar view, when you fly in from Charlotte you fly over Target and the mall, and then land. I've done their approach often. There are random times when I am leaving work or heading in that I will look up to follow in sight what I hear coming or going. There is usually a split second that I wonder, "if I were on that flight, where would I going or returning from?".

What follows this question is the most surprising answer. I don't know, because there is no where else I need, want, or desire to be.

Friends. A victory round of clapping should follow that statement.

For every place that I've ever been, and for every place I've ever touched I know that there are a few things for absolute certain. I am grounded. I am here. I am in the now. Even in the midst of still emotional confusion, and general exhaustion: I am happy. Truly. And deeply.

And just because I'm not gallivanting around the world, or heading off to see random sights- does not mean my wings have been clipped. I think finally, I am rested and restored that I can be here and still be a dreamer, and I can still fly. I'm just flying in the way that I most sought and desired but could not capture before.

The Lord has completely rested, restored, and renewed my heart in this capacity.

It's amazing. So I as I prepare in my head my shopping list, and house chores for the Thanksgiving Holiday next week which I am hosting... I am thinking about flight. The movement and the race I've run. How I have turned the corner. How I have been changed and molded by where I've been--- how all of those places have come home. And every last lesson I learned but was not yet ready to embrace into action, has started to return to the surface. I am remembering the beauty I knew in Italy, the independence I felt in Hong Kong, the need for community I knew in Paris, the Grace of God in Santorini, the desire for childlike joy and wonder in China... I could list on and on.

I'm back in the atmosphere.

The wings of fear are clipped, and in their place are the wings that can rest while situated firmly on the ground, while still... soaring.

This morning I walked out of Target. It's a rainy, misty, cold, and cloudy day. I could hear a flight approaching to land, but when I looked up it was hidden in the density of the sky. I smiled. And shook my head. I paused. Thanked the Lord for the ways He brought me home again, and again safely... and how so many of those times I felt like a girl trying to navigate life through clouds and fog which I could not see through or break free. But He knew the way. He knew the plan. When I was finally, finally, finally able to let my hands extend out from my body, and stretch out my arms- did I return. I went around the world. Twice. I have thousands of pictures to document the journey.

I finally see it. I finally hear it. I can finally touch it. Finally.

It was worth every moment, every doubt, every question- to know this for sure now: soaring does not mean I have to go out and find it everywhere else. I just need to jump into my life, and trust that God will bring me back through all the turmoil and turbulence reflecting more of Him than when I began.

I love you.

Thanks for praying- for the past couple of years as I've pursued this truth.

catching up.

I have not written and I admit that I miss it.

Sometimes I will be driving home and I will think of a thousand things to say and share but once i walk into my door I'm speechless.

I wrote last week a novel update on the work life, it was cathartic because it was finally the ability to articulate some of my feelings and stuff that I'm dealing with. However, I miss my routine of blogging, picture taking, and just being who I am in this place- who has actually not been who I am in this place in a long time, because I've been everywhere else... all the freaking time.

The List of Now:

1) Went to the Packers game with my brother and dad. It was great fun, and it was a bucket list item now checked off. I loved laughing, sharing, and staying cool in the 90 degree heat with my family. It was great.

2) Kristyn and Kalan came to visit this weekend, on their way to Maryland where Kalan is now working/living. I stayed up late with Kristyn, and shared in a glorious conversation about friendship, love, relationships, purpose, goodbyes, and holding on. She is dealing with a lot of the grief of moving a best friend far away, and my heart in the context of such a topic knows exactly what she is talking about. It's been almost a year since Tex moved and sometimes I think I foolishly still expect him to pull up to the house, come inside, change some light bulbs that have gone out, and stay for dinner. Anyway, I love the girls. And we did a little photo shoot in downtown Lexington in the Fall sunshine, and it was divine.

3) Today I am actually getting three things accomplished that I have procrastinated and struggled with. 2 new tires. Oil change. Hair cut. To say that I've been obsessed with these things is a complete understatement. I can't stop thinking about them, and I have debated and procrastinated until the better day, a better choice. Though today the stress it was bringing was more intense then the waiting, and so I am sitting here utilizing a little work cubby and free Internet while I wait for my car. Then I hang out with Nicki for my session, and then at 4pm we are cutting the hair and coloring it brown. Going dark kids. Its time.

4) I am struggling through balance. I know that my time and productivity does not define my value. I just wish however that I knew how to enjoy my personal time more as I "come down" from a work day, or "gear up" when I'm closing. I think I do this better when I'm the opening manager because it forces me to come home and regroup and then I have a few hours before I go to bed to either go out to eat with a friend, or get a little organized. Tonight is my only real night at home all week. I'm hoping to be home by 7pm. That is my goal. We will see how this goes.

5) I am ok. I feel better right now then I have in recent weeks as the transition to work becomes less transition and more routine. I like the job. I am exhausted emotionally by it, but it is clear that I am there for a specific reason which has less to do with formal wear then it does to be a light in a very dark place as the staff is just struggling. I'm excited and encouraged by this conviction to be there, even if at times I admittedly resent it.

6) Going to be checking out a new church this Sunday in Roanoke. I work at 2pm, which means I have time for an 11am service and lunch after. I'm sad to not be at Tab in Waynesboro, but I think the reality of my life being in Roanoke full time in the week leads me to choose a community either where work is or in Lexington- Roanoke being the better church option for when I work Sundays. So praying through that and hoping that the Lord blesses the search with clarity.

There is lots more to share and care, but I had to start somewhere, so today that is all.

Love you.

Homework Assignment

Last week I was talking to Dave about my lack of picture taking when I am at home.

I shared that I wouldn't even consider a drive more then an hour away without my camera. And yet, in my everyday life I don't take pictures. I have written here that it is something I love when I'm traveling. And that I'm trying to understand how to bring it into my everyday life, or at least a more regular life here now that work begins (tomorrow).

I love the sound of the shutter. I love the process of looking back on a period spent peeking through a camera lens.

This process is expanded and expounded when I am not in my home state of Virginia.

And I have no idea why.

So this morning I took a roll of film and shot things around my house. I am trying to familiarize myself with film, it's been a frustrating process. I then took a round of digital shots of my life in this house, this house that I have fallen more and more in love with in the recent weeks.

Above are the results of the assignment.

I love them.

I love that the pictures look my me.

I love that I'm consistent across the board and that as a collective piece: I make sense.

I love that I know the story behind all of them. And I love that when someone else looks at them they see my life, but when that special person does: they see our life. This crazy ridiculous wonderful life full of Jesus and friendship and so much love.

I'm glad for the homework assignment. I'm glad for the challenge.

I need to remember it.

Searching.

Life is cyclical. I avoid noticing this most of the time because it means that I have to own up to something that isn't good for me, or something that I do that isn't good for me and others.

I have not had a great week. I have been tormented by a to-do list that I cannot do. I have felt the pressure of getting ready for the Art Show next week cave in on me. I have been unfocused, unmotivated, and seriously just low.

Because life is like I previously said, cyclical, I have spent a lot of energy this week trying to figure out what triggers this period of just feeling low. I would typically consider it a form of depression, but considering I am in therapy and have been able to understand the difference between depression, and just 'struggle', I know that I am not depressed. I will be honest, sometimes I wish I could call it that, get myself some meds and just go on my way.

Truth is. The issue is much deeper and wider then calling it some mood ailment. It's not a mood. It's a reaction. I am reacting to my choices, my thoughts, my feelings, and my future. I am overwhelmed by all of it. The Lord has brought me to this wonderfully tender, sensitive, and aware time. However, friends... it is exhausting. There is so much to think about: the past, the very far back past, this year, this summer, this month, this week, this day, and then how all of those things impact the biggest things that I cannot control: tomorrow, the next day, next week, next month, next year, and the next decade.

Breathe. In. And Out.

What I'm learning about is hard. Monday I sat and talked to Nicki forever about the switch that gets pulled in my head that causes me to panic when commitment is pursued, and agreed on. For the first time since breaking up with Tex I saw my portion of what happened in the midst of being so terrified. I was asked some incredibly hard questions, and what is most frustrating is that in the confines of safety, her office; I still had no answers. I wanted desperately to transport Tex to Waynesboro, Virginia so I could just talk and get some of his perspective. It was really intense. I was asked to journal about it, so that next Thursday I go in with some ideas and thoughts. I have not been able to journal once. I never have been able to when I'm upset. Its weird, but the words just don't come. I have to force myself to blog. Like seriously. I have to make myself sit down and then just write whatever comes out. I will probably print this out and bring it to Nicki. Is that cheating?

The point is that with her guidance and insight I was able to see that I truly have two parts of my personality.

Kari Part 1: Fearless. Completely competent, mature, reliable, and aware. Incredibly focused, determined, competitive, secure. Excited... about everything. Shares. Talks a mile a minute. We also like to lovingly refer to this part as the "manager" of the 2nd part. I never thought about it that way, but I completely do that. I talk myself in and out of things that don't make sense, I am hard on myself, I judge and protect what I think is true. I will do anything I possibly can to never let part 2 out.

Kari Part 2: Scared. Feels like an orphan. Unsure. Terrified of abandonment. Perfectionist turned procrastinator. Negative, mostly cynical. Quiet. Suppresses feelings in silence. Would rather be alone. Runs a race in which has no finish line.

Some of the questions:

What does the scared part really want?

What is it really afraid of?

What is underneath?

What is in the scared closet?

What did commitment let out of the closet?

What happens to the fearful part that the management part is dominating most of the time? Where does it go?

Only in understanding the above I know I will be able to tackle the next part: and thats the recovery. I wish I knew and could blame it easily on family hurt and trauma as a child and adult, poor relationship decisions in the past (but I can't even say that with the exception of one a few years ago). I wish I could just say that I'm scared of being vulnerable in commitment because I'm afraid of what happens if it doesn't work out. I wish that meant I was more afraid of not being independent Kari anymore, that I might actually like being in a partnership that I am not guaranteed to last, and then grieve it when its gone. Truth is, I'm ready for the ring, the dress, and the solidarity that comes from I Do. I am not ready for the dating. I would rather have someone say, "I choose you. I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you", then "Hey, I like you, let's see what happens." The lets see, the I don't know for sure: Freaks me out.

But there is a bigger heart issue here, because I know that while all the above make sense, none of them tear my heart open and the skies don't part with a deep sense and rooted "YES". Maybe that won't ever happen. But I'm searching it out, and I'm exhausted.

I start work on Sunday. It's a short day. I'm excited its a short half day, and I'm excited to end this week on a note progressing towards the future.

I am tired. I am searching. And the most beautiful thing is happening, I am hopeful in both parts of me that war, that I'm on the right path, going in the right direction.

So if you could kindly pray that I would not grow weary, or impatient as I seek the Lord's guidance and heart in this journey.

"Every time You touch me I get lost inside the moment
I am taken far away from this place.
You become the sunlight and I close my eyes to feel You,
All the warmth and love that You radiate.

And I come alive, I come alive, I come alive.

Take a look inside me maybe You can see what’s broken
Maybe You can fix the hole in my heart.
You become the healer and I share with you my sickness
And I kiss the hands that carry my scar.

Every time it happens I am so amazed to see You,
How You meet me at the depths of my pain.
You’re afraid of nothing and it fills my heart with romance,
You would search the ends of earth for my sake." -kendall payne

Amen.

Official.

I have accepted the position.

Work is going to begin.

The rainy day has made me think more thoroughly if I am going to take off for a few days, or cuddle up into my own house.

I think I am going to stay home. I think I'm going to stretch out, and complete some projects like making my closet, bathroom, and office a little more manageable. And, I think I need to work on the showing I have on the Hopkins Green in Lexington in less then two weeks. I have procrastinated and I have done a terrible job preparing for that.

But there is this little bird in which I like to call my traveling chipper, that says "Kari. There is nothing wrong with a little weekend getaway". And so I have been contemplating a few days up to Washington DC, I would really like to go the Holocaust Museum- been talking about that for years now. I would also like to go to the outlets and pick up some work appropriate gear. I would like to go walk around Georgetown, and I would like to enjoy a little fall weather.

Then there is common sense. And common sense is loud.

Tomorrow I have a phone conversation with Erin, my new boss about a starting date. I will make more decisions after that.

However, right now, I am tenderly and thankfully aware that this time lounging in a Starbucks surfing travel websites and hotel bargains is going to become much smaller in my everyday life, and for which I am grateful.

Ahh. I might just stay home. Yes. Home. Sounds lovely.

We shall see.

List of Ten

I stole this from a blog I was reading. I loved it. It's written in the learning and grieving process. I loved the entire list, and so I stole it.

I wish I could take credit. ;)

"1. I'm not meant to understand God

2. It's okay to ask hard questions and not get immediate answers

3. It's okay to not be okay

4. Jesus has to be real, because everything in my body was screaming that I didn't want to be with him anymore, but my heart refused to stop searching for him. It made no sense. I didn't want anything to do with God for while, yet my heart was still looking for Christ. If I can't tell myself that I don't ever want something again yet something in me still wants it, then there is some deeper side of life that has to exist.

5. Verses such as "for I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you" are NOT comforting in situations such as these.

6. Being joyful and being happy are two VERY different things

7. Faith is supposed to be very active. Its not all just about feelings and how to deal with things in our hearts. Its about going out and changing the world with our actions.

8. God doesn't promise our physical safety, he simply promises himself in all that he is.

9. I'm learning that trusting God means something very different than what I thought it meant. Once I figure out what it means, I'll let you know.

10. In the midst of all of this, God is still good. He is still trustworthy. He is in control. He is everything that he says he is. "

Balance.

When I was little I used to day dream that one day my sunglasses would have a clicker button on the side, and I would instantly be able to capture the photograph to preserve the memory.

I should have known then that photography was my calling. I didn't. My mom explained that film developing was expensive (she was correct), and so I just let picture taking be candid. It was never something I intentionally pursued, and so now that travel and photography have become my two greatest loves I am surprised that still, I don't pursue the craft when I am at home. It's kind of like this part of me that lives on the road, I don't know how to explain it. I wouldn't dare dream of going somewhere without my camera, and recently when I went to the West Coast I even talked myself into bringing both my Canon and Nikon (the differences are huge, as is the bulk the Canon adds to my luggage). Looking back at those pictures now I can see the difference. The biggest being that with the Canon I shoot only in raw format, which forces me to edit and process images into JPEG's. I hate editing. It's my number one reason for not wanting to be a wedding photographer. I just hate it. Anyway- so processing the raw images from that trip made me appreciate the fact I have to take it a little slower, and spend more time with the memory. It was a good process.

I am about to enter the work force. These things do make sense, I promise.

I have started to wonder how if my love and passion for photography expanded and exploded while traveling, ie. NOT working, how this particular area of my heart could continue to be fostered as a means for creating a balanced life. One that incorporates working a big girl job, that pays the mortgage, while still seeking time outside of that to be expressive. I don't believe I have to let go of one to have the other.

What I do have to let go of is that my time, each and every day was mine to control, manipulate, plan and pursue.

Friends. I am so excited that time is over. I am often asked how transitioning into work will really be, and am told equally often that people are praying for me. I smile, I thank my beloved friends, and I move on.

What I would love to be able to articulate is that, I kept going because I was looking for something. And guess what? I found it.

I have never yet in my life, amidst some major emotional strife been more peaceful. I know again the fundamentals, I have sought countless sunsets, and even sunrises, I have touched, tasted, and basked in cultures that have forever become part of the fabric of who I am.

But she lives here now. She is not there. She is here. And the she that is here, can't wait to dig into a new challenge, be used, and productive.

Just wondering how to create balance, and not give up what I have loved so much of what was found during what felt like an endless search the past few years.

xoxo

Eat.Pray.Love.

A couple of weeks ago Matt and I went to see Eat Pray Love. I have read the book- I was a fan. I was not however a fan of the movie. It missed the essence of growth and... joy in the process such a pivotal time. I was also sad that they changed part of the book in that after writing a break up, final email to her love the movie did not include the very wonderful response her ex-boyfriend responded with. In the movie it plays that she receives a phone call and the tone of which was not at all what happened in the book. I think of all the discrepancies that was my most frustrating one.

In the book, she writes to him,

"That maybe its time to address that it will never happen, that it should never happen... If you want to look for another partner in your life, of course you have nothing but my blessings."...

He responds to her, "But we are not what the other one needs, he says. Still he is certain that I will find great love in my life someday. He's sure of it. After all, he says, "Beauty attracts Beauty".

I am sad that in the movie it did not include such a wonderful exchange, but more then that that they changed the tone altogether. I had scribbled down favorite quotes in my Moleskine and from time to time have returned back to the section that I wrote down the thoughts. Here a few of them are:

"I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore. A harbor of course is a place of refuge, a port of entry. I pictured the harbor of my mind, a little beat up perhaps. A little storm worn, but well situated and with a nice depth. The harbor of my mind is an open bay, the only access to the island of myself (which is a young and volcanic island, yes, but fertile and promising). This island has been through some wars it is true, but it is now committed to peace, under a new leader (me) who has instituted new policies to protect the place. and now- let the word go out across the seas there are much, much stricter laws on the books who may enter this harbor. You may not come here anymore with your hard and abusive thoughts, with your plague ships of thoughts, with your slave ships of thoughts, all these will be turned away. Likewise any thoughts that are filled with angry or starving exiles, with malcontents and pampleteers, mutineers, and violent assassins, prostitutes, pimps and seditious stowaways you may not come here anymore either. Even missionaries will be screened carefully for sincerity. This is a peaceful harbor in the entryway to a fine and proud island that is only now beginning to cultivate tranquility. If you can abide by these new laws, my dear thoughts then you are welcome in my mind- otherwise I shall turn back toward the sea where you came. That is my mission and it will never end."

"There are only 2 questions that human beings have ever fought over, all through history. How much do you love me? And who's in charge? Everything else is somehow manageable. But these 2 questions of love and control undo us all, trip us up and cause war, grief and suffering."

"Look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You'll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing and you were in the best possible place in the world for it- in a beautiful place of worship surrounded by grace. Take this time, every minute of it." (this reminds me so tenderly of China, Europe, and all of the amazing places I've been in which I have been able to see and touch Christ in amazing ways)

Hindsight.

I read in Eat, Pray, Love something that I completely identified with:

"Hypersensitive awareness of time's speed led me to push myself to experience life at a maximum pace. If I were going to have a short visit on earth I had to do everything possible to experience it now. Hence all the traveling, all the romances, all the ambition, all the pasta...If I could have split myself into many Liz Gilbert's I would have willingly done so in order to not miss a moment of life. What am I saying? I did split myself into many Liz Gilbert's, all of whom simultaneously collapsed in exhaustion on a bathroom floor in the suburbs one night somewhere around the age of 30."

It's true that hindsight is 20/20. However, what do you do when you are looking back and you still can't understand what you are looking at?

In the past few years I have with great recollection and fondness desired moments of closeness with Christ established in travel, or sought to recapture something I lost. I have written here several times about what those things looked like. On this September night a few things are clear, absolutely crystal clear and its not just hindsight. It's Jesus. And its so funny to think of all the times I looked back at a period of time, hoping that hindsight would do its trick- and nope just fuzzy. Tonight with ease... CLEAR sight.

I knew in January that I wasn't doing well. I have said this before, but I am still processing through what I did and did not know, and what I did not and did choose to instead see. I fought against it. I knew in February that I wasn't either. But I chose to ignore it, and I allowed a relationship commitment to form. I have finally been able to admit to myself that in the capacity of what was best for me personally, dating Tex during that period was not a wise decision. Yet, I chose the relationship because I hoped it would work out forever, and it wouldn't matter that I wasn't ready or in a place that I should be pursued. Truth is, that is where so much of the struggle continued to grow, I had been hurting for a long time and I knew that I couldn't put my finger on what it was.

Now that my finger has found the place that needed the healing and perspective, its amazing to witness how different my thinking, feeling, and life already is. For the first time in such a long time I know that my beauty is not contingent on what size my jeans are, or what shape my body will change into over the years. I know that I am a daughter, sister, child of God. And I also know that I am beautiful. It's not this cocky "oh I have great hair, and fun pashminas". My brain has begun to work again in ways that make sense. I process thoughts and feelings with greater ease as the enormous amount of anxiety has been lifted. I also have noticed that sometimes just watching a show I love, or reading a book I'm diving into- that I smile. To myself. As if the smile is me, befriending me. Softening the hard hurt edges, and making the cut less deep. I also have found joy in relationships, and more balance. I've been a ridiculously needy friend and person in recent years, I am enjoying asking more questions, being present. Not just hanging out, and laughing: but really sharing life. Experiencing the way burdens are lifted when.you.speak. Such a novel new concept for me. I think one thing I have been able to fall most in love with is that this confidence is palpable, everything about me feels different. It feels like me. I feel like me. I have missed her. I am sad at the cost she came. The people she hurt along the way. But friends. I am so glad that I love her, and that I know her.

I noticed her departure the fall after I lost Bill. And then I felt moments she returned with the laughter, ease, and joy. I can't explain to you what happened the summer of 2007 but leaving camp should have been the biggest red flag to myself about what was happening. I have been a yo-yo of an unwinding mess since then. I am thankful for the bursts of light, and I would never trade the world I got to explore for anything. But the cost was high, and I always felt more at home away then I did in my own bed. It's why I kept going. Never ending. Madness. With the exception of my relationships with the boys and several of you invited beloved amazing women, I was unconnected and unengaged in a community that I had worked very hard to help build. I walked away from it, and I just didn't know it.

Today I was driving home from church and was just enjoying my own thoughts and company. It's something I always noticed about traveling- how at ease I became in the car, in an airplane or on a train. Just the movement. The pace of "going" became second nature, and became part of me. I knew how to manage, and navigate landscapes, I understood pleasantries in other languages, I was adaptable. But, I was also constantly in the midst of strangers. And I could disappear. I wasn't recognizable. When chatted with, I could become any person I wanted, no one knew me. (I will say, I always made friends with strangers in complete honesty).

I had a great moment on Friday afternoon when I walked into my house after having gone to Cincinnati to celebrate Mandy's birthday. I had struggled going to bed Thursday night with some battles, and kept Mandy awake probably longer then needed, but needed to talk. I woke up plagued with exhaustion and just sadness. In the drive I just wanted to get back to Virginia, and I just wanted to hang out for the Sugarland concert with Matty.

However. The moment, yes back to my point. I walked into the house at 1:30pm, sat down, and I was peaceful. I had returned home. Into my own space. There were no roommates to conversate with, and there was nothing for me to be, except my absolute self. I liked that for me, one who always goes and is more content going, that the returning and the staying... felt better. Felt more like Home. Home felt more like Me. In this space I could breathe, look back... and see with clarity and conviction the past which at times returns to fuzzy- as processing ebbs and flows... but mostly I could see and recognize that the girl that smiles to herself quietly in a car on the West Coast, in a plane above other continents, was the same girl who sat in her hammock and let the breeze move her and she began to rest in the comfort of all that she could be, all that is waiting, with the wisdom gained by looking back and moving forward with perfect vision.

To Be Silent. Then Speak.

Slowly but surely I am peeling back the layers and I am getting to the core of some issues. My main objective with therapy on my first visit was to "Establish a life without the enduring pressure of needing to survive. I would like to live."

With that objective also came the deep desire to retrain, and reroute choices in communication, boundaries, and the impossible time I have at expressing in the moment that which burdens me, and instead choosing to be silent. The silence has killed me. I think often back to the blog entry I wrote in China called 'The Cage'. Its never been more true then in this time, that I have released myself from the confines of what I have known, and I am existing without the comfort of codependcey and am establishing new healthy patterns.

All that to say, I am experiencing the highs and lows of thought, prayer, and intense introspection. It's wildly different then any other period of my life, and I cannot begin to articulate the deep sense of security I feel in my life knowing that God's provision for me is extensive and boundless.

The support system is known. I know who I can talk to about what, and not that everyone gets a different story- just different fragments. I am thankful that in the midst of all things that I have women in my life that I can just pour it all out to. It does not matter how long I complain or am dissecting one particular area. They listen. They see the ache for knowledge and growth, and in that moment they wait with and for me.

As I wrote before, last week Tex broke a long silence with a Text message. I continued to pray about this for days. It actually was the source of a lot of stress in my heart as I struggled with how I felt about the time I'd had to think and be quiet, what I wanted to say, did I want to say anything, and then of course was it possible to communicate and not be hurt. Saturday afternoon I had one of those days in which I was driven with something crazy in my head- the inability to let something go. I had it stuck in my head that I wanted Season Two of Pushing Daisies and Samantha Who on DVD. You may laugh. I had been watching Season One's of both shows and LOVED it. My attention span for TV has waned, but I was laughing and genuinely enjoying the experience. I colored. I crafted. I hung out researching business cards online. But when the time came for Season Two, I couldn't wait. I had to get to Walmart. They didn't have it. Then I thought "TARGET", they didn't have it. Then I thought, "BEST BUY". They didn't have it either. So instead I spent the 2 hours (all toll) in the car obsessing, thinking, then finally praying and surrendering my heart to the Lord regarding communicating with Tex. I came home and bought both things on Amazon for half the price used. I should have just done that first. But with the obsession and thought process: I got myself in the car, and I got myself before Jesus in a way I hadn't been able too in my own home. It was a blessing. A frustrating wonderful blessing.

I went to Church on Sunday morning unhappy. Like, I think if you saw me you'd think I looked pretty, but that my smile was unhappy. I struggled with this and as Essen spoke about the fruit of the spirit further in the Sermon Series, I just could not focus. I however did appreciate that in the body of his message I found some really tangible challenges. Love grows from Love. Peace grows from Peace. Forgiveness grows from Forgiveness.

I heard and wanted to cultivate all these things! I wanted these things to abound in my garden, and I was ready to let go of the weeds, the dying flowers, and the deep rooted hurts that have done nothing but destroy my potential landscape.

So among the congregation, I sat quietly to myself and knew that I was ready to break my silence with Tex and place a phone call. I was ready for the truth, his truth, and my truth- and I knew that if I continued to negate communication that I was not giving "our" truth an opportunity to grow, into something different then either of us expected.

I was pulling off my exit and was getting ready to place my phone call, when my phone rang and it was someone else entirely. I was beckoned to sit, be still, and listen. I was the life line needed in that moment for someone else in accountability, truth, encouragement, and love. I was able to cultivate so many messages from the morning in that phone call, and I hope dearly that my beloved friend knew tenderly that they were being loved with every fiber possible over the AT&T phone lines.

What that conversation did was bring forth the confidence I needed to remember that my value is not in who chooses to love me on this earth. The most divine opportunity I have is to utilize the love in which comes to me from Heaven, was brutally abused on a cross, and has taken residence in my heart. The growth that I am seeking has always been that of the Father, but now in this most heartbreaking place, I was able to step forward off a platform making a phone call knowing that I was ready, that I was a daughter of the beloved, and that I could stand strong and firm in a conversation with Tex seeking only to say hello- and that I could remain stable.

I placed the call and we talked. We laughed. Heartily and sincerely. He was a fountain of information about his week at Oakbridge, and we talked about his perspective on camping. Nothing was assumed on my part, I asked questions, and I asked if I could offer insight. It was a different voice. It was someone I didn't know I could be, yet I hoped would arrive. While the conversation did not once turn to issues between us in an emotional depth, it was an enriched conversation between two people who after not speaking for quite a while were both relieved that there was still yet, so much to say. Mostly I wanted to hear his voice, know how he was doing, and laugh. I got that. It wasn't cheap, and it wasn't easy. But I was ready, and being ready sometimes is less about what you are going to say, then about being prepared for what you might hear. We still know the fibers of conversation and each other, and I think what I was most thankful for was that in talking to him, I knew that we were real. We weren't some mythical day dreamed illusion in my head. In talking, laughing, and giving of some very sage advice, we were real, still. And sometimes in the midst of all that was loved and lost this year, I just want to know that we really loved each other.

I am not assuming that we will speak now often, or again. I am not placing another call, its not something I think about doing or am praying about. He said we will speak again soon, and if he calls I will answer, but I am not rushing anything. The boundaries I wanted to maintain are still in tact, I did not cry, I did not indulge him in anything specific. I truly, just listened. And, in that place of listening I was grateful.

To grow love we need to love.

To grow forgiveness we need to forgive.

To grow peace we need to exhibit peace.

To grow healthy communication, we need to be wise in understanding the time to be quiet, and then the time to speak.

What are you growing in your life?

I hope its as beautiful as your smile.

Book of Eli: Love More.

"Dear Lord, thank you for giving me the strength and the conviction to complete the task you entrusted to me. Thank you for guiding me straight and true through the many obstacles in my path. And for keeping me resolute when all around seemed lost. Thank you for your protection and your many signs along the way. Thank you for any good that I may have done, I'm so sorry about the bad. Thank you for the friend I made. Please watch over her as you watched over me. Thank you for finally allowing me to rest. I'm so very tired, but I go now to my rest at peace. Knowing that I have done right with my time on this earth. I fought the good fight, I finished the race, I kept the faith."

-The Book of Eli

I rented this movie because my sister Krystal told me to. It was definitely a bit more violent then my comfort level at first, but then I started paying close attention to the screenplay. It's infused with scripture. It was marvelous.

There was a line spoken in the movie with Eli talking about what he learned in the process of protecting the 'book', which he says, "I was carrying and reading it everyday, got so caught up in protecting it, I forgot to live by what I'd learnt from it... to do more for others than you do for yourself."

How often have we harnessed our beliefs, and held steadfast to the belief but have forgotten that belief is not just something to be kept or captured in faith. It's a life. It's love in action. And because God is love, and Faith in God means Love- the belief always turns into a verb and not just an adjective.

This summer I saw a lot of love in action. It began with seeing Sandy love her little ones so well when I stayed at her house in Connecticut between Oregon/Ct/China. I spent a few days with her, albeit in an emotional train wreck state, but I witnessed the love a mother has for her children. How they are each different and beckon a different part of your attention depending on their age. I watched her patience, and her impatience. I took that into my time in China as I loved children who did not yet know who their parents were going to be. It was a powerful movement of my heart and I was thankful for the ways in which it forced to me to recognize the lack of love in action in my own life- both at my own doing, and that which was brought unto me.

Sometimes I just forget to love more. To let what I believe transform my life and my purpose, and not just be something that I hold so tightly onto that I'm unable to let it breathe. Take shape. Form into something wild and beautiful.

Often said that if you love something/someone let it be free, if it was meant to be, it will come back to you. I have wrestled with what that means, and how I truly feel about it. I think its true that if you love someone or something, that self sacrifice in letting it go is one of the greatest measures we can do in Love. I saw that this summer, and I remember it being one of the absolute last things I said to Tex as we parted ways and agreed to pray during my time in China for resolute answers. I knew that letting go of what I had been holding onto meant that I was not less attached or cared less. It meant that it was worth the open abyss of possibility in Christ. It is what holding on, and letting go looks like when happening at the same exact time. Love calls us to seek, serve, and be active for one another. It's self sacrificing. It's selfish. It's hard. It hurts.

But what comes in its wake is something marvelously beautiful. A glimpse of Heaven. It's another part of our garden's sowed, torn apart and replanted. I am coming through to this side of that lesson. I can see more and more things that I have learned, struggled, and fought for and how in the capacity of letting go and giving it up, I have been given more then that which I had originally struggled to loosen my grip on.

Do more, love more, serve more, in the capacity of others then yourself. Let your faith and love be something that you foster in words, in silences and spaces. Don't let it be something you hold so closely to yourself that you forget what it is designed to do. Change the world. Bring more of Christ to this Earth and give those we are surrounded by a vision of what they are missing.

And then let our most sincere thoughts and prayer be like that of above, spoken at the end of a very thought provoking movie, "I have fought the good fight. I finished the race. I kept the faith".

The Week So Far

This week has been an interesting combination of highs and lows.

Let's begin with the Highs:

1) Obviously this amazingly beautiful weather. I love the mountains when the humidity finally says goodbye, and the nights are cool enough that I can have all the windows open-- and I can hear the noises of the night. LOVE it.

2) Lady Gaga. Seriously. She's ridiculous. But I love her, and I appreciate how's she authentically bonkers but also marvelously talented. She just cracks me up. A lot. Matty and I had a fabulous time. (though I dropped my curling iron on myself and am dealing with a vicious burn mark... its annoying).

3) Holmes came over tonight to talk about all things 35mm photography (I have so much to learn about the science of picture taking, its kind of ridiculous). Though the conversation after a little turned more serious and we were able to discuss and break down some of the things that has happened in our lives this summer, this year, and our take on the future. The conversation was perfect. It was exactly what I needed, and I think I have to constantly remind myself that I am a) conversational about real deep things b) that I can trust those that ask questions to share where I'm at. I don't have to have all the answers, my plan does not have to be in tact. I can sometimes just be. Tonight with Dave, we both could just talk and because we've known each other for 7 (!!) years at this point, we know the back story. We don't have to fill in details on things, its known.

Labor Day & 3

Today is Labor Day. The last day of summer..

It's also the Kari and Tex self proclaimed anniversary date of the past three years. I know, I know. We weren't dating, but had an anniversary- don't yell at me now, its too late for that.

I did not call.

I did not write.

I didn't do anything by means of communication (this was tremendously difficult).

I did however take Gracie to the River to play. To explore. To escape. To think. To pray.

It worked well for us.

I then spent some time in town, caught up with Theresa and Jen at Lex Co, came home cleaned and organized parts of the house in only half attention. Hung out with the hammock and Harry Potter. Talked to Mandy. Had dinner. Read more. Talked to Mary.

All in all. Today was a good day. My only complaint was that it marked something in time other then Labor. I spent a lot of time praying today. I even talked out loud at periods while cleaning the kitchen saying everything I wanted to say to Tex, but couldn't since I took this stance of silence. I think you should be laughing at that statement, because its funny. I literally just talked. Out loud. Some of it made sense, some of it didn't. Sometimes I heard what I said and I couldn't believe it was the truth, and other times I just wanted to write half of it down for the book.

I think that was cathartic.

Tomorrow is going to be a fun day. Well, at 1:30pm it won't be. So if you could pray for that. I have my first appointment with a new therapist. I had loved my sessions in Roanoke, but now that some new things have been learned about my family, my life, my heart in general I have sought some guidance and am taking a new route. Please pray for that. I am anticipating a more intense relationship as I delve into the root of the anxiety, perfectionism, stress, etc... instead of dealing with those things more topically.

BUT THEN I get to hang out with Rachel Daley, and then her siblings so that Essen and Cathy can go out on a date night. I'm pumped.

I also just got an email about the Orphan Care meeting with my church. Cathy wrote it, and so in response I said only, "will there be cookies?". I laughed out loud. I hope this makes her laugh as well.

Friends. So today was alright. It wasn't my favorite. But since leaving Ohio on Friday, I have not cried. I somehow have been able to pull perspective together and I am working out some of the kinks.

In homage to what today was outside of the celebration of a Labor-less day, let me just say in this private world wide Internet space what was said in my kitchen alone to Gracie (one of the more productive things I said at least). The past three years have been tremendous, and this past year incredibly intense... I hope at some point on the other side of all of this, we will be able to celebrate friendship and perseverance.

'Oh, the place's we've been. Where to next?'

Thanks to Mandy and Mary for the phone chats. I felt loved today. Deeply and truly.

I love you.

Here's to tomorrow.

"How are you?"

Perhaps one of the most difficult things to do in life is be honest. Now, I am not talking about lying, whether telling large fictional stories or even small white lies.

I am talking about the honesty that we avoid when we are asked the most simple greeting and question: "How are you?"

We quickly respond and we quickly settle into the rhythm of conversation that usually is led with the word, "good". There are so many things left beneath the surface and yet in the moment we let everything skim. We are masters of skimming. If we run fast enough across the situation, and the condition of the heart we never sink into the water below. We float and we harness all of our energy and might to never let our toes dip into the truth.

All summer I have felt a specific conviction and challenge in this area. I realized that in wanting to live authentically and honestly that I had to be able to answer the simple question to first myself in complete vulnerability. Most days I can answer and say, "Ok." I know that on a large scale that I'm doing alright.

However the truth is, and the real deep down below the surface that I'd like to acknowledge is that there are moments in days when I am so far from being OK that I don't know where to begin with articulating the truth. There are moments that I am so heartbroken and lost in the midst of all the drama with Tex that I struggle with settling my honest heart there. I am scared to live and breathe in that place, that I push through and 'survive' to the next thing- at which point I can again say that I'm doing alright.

The best example of this roller coaster I can think of is the past three days. I spent a lot of time in the car driving to Ohio to get my car, then to Indy to hang out with Kristyn and Emily, then back again through Ohio to Virginia. I pulled into my garage at 1:30am last night/this morning. I was exhausted. I left Cincinnati after seeing Mandy for a quick visit over Chipotle, and I was so tired from the drama of traffic that my guard was down and tears streamed. I was honest. And there was no energy left to pretend that I was hanging in there. I wasn't hanging anywhere. I was just tired. I was depleted, I was as I was. She, was a champ. She listened. And she reminded me that the lie that I was being torn up by in my head, the one that keeps me awake sometimes, the lie that I like to call "Kari feels forgotten and thrown away and does not matter". She asserted that I knew the truth, that she knew the truth and she listened to me indulge the lie with my tears, and then she hugged me. Told me she loved me, and we parted ways.

Sometimes the lie beckons all my physical attention, and sometimes it dominates every shred of mental discernment. There are moments when the lie wins and I can't remember outside of Jesus what the truth is. The lie takes me from being ok, to not being ok, and sometimes it is so hard to feel like I am going to get through all the emotional heartbreak of not only the end of a dating relationship, the change that friendship has suffered because of that, in addition to the damage and destruction of my relationship with my own mother. The boundaries that I know that have to be in place are sometimes way taller then me, and stretch far wider then my heart can process. I know in my head that boundaries are good, I know that in the midst of this roller coaster of emotion that I am protecting people from the wrath of words not rooted in love or wisdom. I know mostly though, that I am protecting myself from not being able to hear or listen in ways that would be healthy and productive for where I am at in this process of grieving.

But most of the time. I am 'ok', which is more often then not: praise the Lord. I just want my best friend back. I just want to talk about my life, share my day, and laugh. I miss having that camaraderie, and I miss the security and safety of being known in the way that friendship brought. Today I was in Target and I realized that I missed my mother, and I missed being able to ask her random questions, or complain about bigger situations. However, neither of these two relationships are in a place of pretense or smoke and mirrors. I can't just call either of them up and pretend that nothing happened and just use them for what my heart misses. It would be an empty phone call. It would cheapen why they meant so much, and why this space hurts so much to do.

I am thankful however for some major things in my life. The unchanging ever present way that Christ is there in each, and every moment of this journey. Sometimes he pushes, sometimes he pulls: but I know that His hand is always present on my back leading me, and that my heart fits perfectly in His purpose. I am beyond thankful for the ways that I see this love tangible in some really hard situations. I also have the most amazing and beautiful support system. I am grateful that when I talk to any one of my girls, that the conversation always ends on the most important truth: "I love you". It's not cheesy and its not trite. I know that they mean it, and I know that when I return the sentiment its received in the purity and special bond we share. This struck me so much last night as I got off the phone with Julie and after spending a good portion of West Virginia on the phone with her I was lifted and refreshed. When we said goodbye and shared our mutual love and affection I put my phone down and thanked the Lord that though I have seen a lot of "unlove" behavior, and have been hurt in some major ways this summer, that I have seen so much love and friendship. It truly is everywhere. It is underneath the surface in which I am so scared of drowning in, and it is with me as I rebuild and grow stronger from all that has happened in the recent months.

When someone asks you how you are doing, do you answer truthfully?

When you ask yourself, are you able to speak honestly?

Who sits with you and waits for the real answer to come?

Thank you for praying. Thank you for waiting for the 'Ok' to quiet, and though sometimes the tears come, I am thankful that most of the time I am doing well. It ebbs and flows without warning, and when it returns I am made more strong for when it goes. It's strange to harness a message often spoke between Tex and I in this current situation as I am dealing with my heart in terms of him. But its always been true, and I know that for me, it quiets the lie that I am battling. Often said between us (and sung though not as wonderfully as Josh Groban), "You are loved. Don't give up." I know that in this moment what I'm doing is hard, I know that silence between us and boundaries never known before are impossibly difficult for me at times.

Yet, I know deeply and surely that somewhere in all that has been said and felt between us, his most sincere prayer is that I know that I am loved, and that I don't give up. And. That is just the truth. So... I continue. Walking and not running to get through this completely.

"Don't give up.

It's just the hurt that you hide, when your lost inside I will be there to find you.

Don't give up.

It's just the weight of the world.

Don't give up.

Everyone needs to be heard.

Don't give up.

You are loved."

Gas & 26 Miles

I am currently in Mason, Ohio. I am sitting at a round table in Panera and I am uploading 172 pictures to Facebook. I have picked at my salad, while yelling at myself to complete one full meal. I should be able to do this. I am just not at all hungry. Truthfully, I even feel a little dizzy. I am not sure if this is from the amount of caffeine I have consumed today, or the fact I just don't feel particularly great. Not knowing which is the culprit of the dizziness I have vowed to eat the baguette of bread hoping in the very least to settle my stomach.

Today was not my finest day of driving. I thought to myself as I made my way down my drive way that I would be good to go, a little bit on auto pilot. The drive between Lexington and Mason? A piece of cake. Then why did I find such trouble? After entering into Kentucky I realized that I needed gas. The rental car has a gas mileage meter in the dash, so I kept an eye on it. Not wanting to repeat my panic attack from the other day in which I had 1 mile left as I waited to turn into the 7-Eleven gas station. Today I don't know where my head went. Suddenly, and completely out of the blue I had 3 miles left. I knew I was in the middle of nowhere Kentucky. I knew that the mountains were going to claim those 3 miles fast. I knew that it was 97 degrees outside, and that cell phone service was spotty. I knew that Jesus was listening and so I prayed. I turned off the A/C, coasted whenever I possibly could and when the mile meter went to ZERO I didn't get upset and cry, and I didn't throw a temper tantrum. I just prayed. I kept my eyes peeled for any sign of civilization and I prayed. TWELVE miles later a exit appeared, and so did several gas options. My only hope at that point was that I'd make it to the end of the ramp. The Kroger had gas and it was walking distance. I made it to the next light. OK Jesus, I don't want to be 'that' girl who gets stuck out of gas at the light before it and have a row of cars angry at me.

Thankfully I made it into the gas station and the Focus took 13.377 gallons of gas. I imagined a fleet of angels attached to my car helping me make it the way into the gas station.

I mention this story because this summer I have spent a lot of time diverting my attention in the details for God to show or prove His love for me. I have written about this previously that hearing a song called "Love is Here" I was able to pull myself together before China to not look at the dismal circumstances of what was the ending of my dating relationship with Tex and look towards the cross. That was a great reminder of God's love, and it helped me take a lot of focus and attention away from what I wanted. In this recent gas situation I found my heart praying from what I had learned this summer, and not resorting to "God I need this. If you love me... you will ____ (insert blank)". Instead my most sincere quest in seeking the Lord was for calm in my heart which was panicking, and just that whatever was to happen I would be comforted in the situation and would not freak out. I could have run out of gas at any moment, and I would not have questioned whether God heard me. I was rooted in truth. It was in my toes, and it was in my spirit. I also did not think God loved me more then I thought because I made it to the gas station. He did not have to prove it to me. What He did, was what He always does: comforted, protected, and guided His child.

Later today I had my 2nd example of why I should not have driven. In the dozen times I have traveled to the Cincinnati area this year, I have never missed the 75N turn at Lexington. I saw the sign, I was in the correct lane, and yet miles passed and I was confused but not for 26 miles did I question it and look at my phone. I had kept going. I did not turn North. I never made the exit. I have NO idea why 1) I didn't 2) I didn't notice for 26 miles 3) What I was thinking about that made that happen.

Frustrated I called Kristyn and I vented about how I shouldn't be allowed to operate a vehicle. She kind of laughed at me, but mostly just listened. I made my way back towards Lexington where I would be making my exit towards the North and I was just confounded. What happened to Auto Pilot? What happened to "I got here, but I don't remember how?" Instead I put myself in poor timing for Northern Kentucky as I approached during rush hour traffic, and what should have been an easy breezy 6 hour drive was 8 hours.

8 hours.

While I know that I am mostly com plaintive, I do have a point. I was able to celebrate peace and comfort in the Lord in the gas situation, however in the midst of my own stupidity the 2nd time there was none of it. I was tired and exasperated. I wanted a nap.

Why could I not exhibit to myself a level of grace that would ease the tension in my own heart? When I was panicked and afraid of my safety: Jesus. He will comfort.

But when it was about my own ridiculous lack of focus and what it would cost me in traffic: self loathing. Nothing about that is comforting.

It was not my finest hour. It also just highlighted the sort of aloof thinking I have had recently, per which landed me in this situation needing to go back to Ohio in the first place to get my car. I could laugh at myself all week about that, it was just a ridiculous instance of trying to be efficient, and haphazardly making things much more inefficient.

My focus today was all over the place. I struggled with reigning in truth, and I found myself indulging unproductive thoughts, feelings, and hurts. Clearly in doing so it dulled my focus, and it distracted me from my main purpose and objective. In the midst of those things I was able to see Christ when I was terrified, but then lost Him when I was just mad at myself. It was such a poignant example of losing the stepping quickly even while in the midst of a singular car ride. It is that easy to lose it.

As I pulled off the highway tonight in Mason, Ohio 8 hours after my journey began I was able to find gratitude. It was there waiting for me to get over myself and the situation, and remember that in all things/moments/distractions that we are to glorify and reflect the Lord. In all things. In all circumstances. Be joyful.

The lesson.... continues. Sometimes with mighty steps forward, and then much like today- a big step backwards.