There is a lot of goodness, joy, closure, peace, and happiness. I am doing well. And not just in a "I'm ok way"... like this morning I woke up and I have been waking up achey (debating a new mattress, or body transplant)-- but I stared up at the ceiling and I just felt like me, the me I love.
She's been back for awhile now. And at some point in the future I would like to have a conversation with Matty and Mandy about their thoughts about this year. Not that their opinions will change me or it, but I am just curious as they witnessed a lot, supported a lot, but the biggest things they both gave me was space and room. I seriously cannot imagine my life without them, and sharing Thanksgiving together as 'family' was humbling and profound for me. They have been the best friends- truly. I have always thought that Tex was the BFF, but in so many ways he was always the boyfriend. We emotionally dated forever before we dated, and we've always been some version of complicated. I think this realization is also because I have been thinking and praying a lot about the future, and my friends that I love that will one day meet their spouses and get married. I was thinking about "what if Matt started dating someone tomorrow?" and while I love Matt and will miss some of the attention, I can't wait to know who is bride is. I can't wait to meet her, love her, become friends with her, and just experience the newness. Nothing about my friendship with Matt would change. We have integrity, and we have boundaries. I just hope she lets me still call him Matty, and that we can still say "smooches" all the time. And then I thought about the man that I know is in Mandy's future. I just got all excited about this vision for her wedding, her dress, her smile, and her release into a life shared with someone. These two friends complete this year, and they have been the absolute best friends through tears, rain, shine, and in the celebration of this fall-- have never never let me down. I am just learning better how to let them into my chaos, my hurt, and my joy. It's changing everything.
I feel more grateful right now for the things I have, then I have in the past. I know that I sometimes struggle to hold onto something so tight that I'm unable to see how its infecting other places of my heart. And sometimes I stare at 'walls' hoping that they'll move, change, grow up, or capture me-- just be anything other then a wall. Staring never helps. I have found though that walking up to that wall, and carving out a door, so that I can walk THROUGH- does help.
Honestly. I just feel settled down.
Hope you are well- and loving this season!
Love.Love.
Kar
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