Searching.

Life is cyclical. I avoid noticing this most of the time because it means that I have to own up to something that isn't good for me, or something that I do that isn't good for me and others.

I have not had a great week. I have been tormented by a to-do list that I cannot do. I have felt the pressure of getting ready for the Art Show next week cave in on me. I have been unfocused, unmotivated, and seriously just low.

Because life is like I previously said, cyclical, I have spent a lot of energy this week trying to figure out what triggers this period of just feeling low. I would typically consider it a form of depression, but considering I am in therapy and have been able to understand the difference between depression, and just 'struggle', I know that I am not depressed. I will be honest, sometimes I wish I could call it that, get myself some meds and just go on my way.

Truth is. The issue is much deeper and wider then calling it some mood ailment. It's not a mood. It's a reaction. I am reacting to my choices, my thoughts, my feelings, and my future. I am overwhelmed by all of it. The Lord has brought me to this wonderfully tender, sensitive, and aware time. However, friends... it is exhausting. There is so much to think about: the past, the very far back past, this year, this summer, this month, this week, this day, and then how all of those things impact the biggest things that I cannot control: tomorrow, the next day, next week, next month, next year, and the next decade.

Breathe. In. And Out.

What I'm learning about is hard. Monday I sat and talked to Nicki forever about the switch that gets pulled in my head that causes me to panic when commitment is pursued, and agreed on. For the first time since breaking up with Tex I saw my portion of what happened in the midst of being so terrified. I was asked some incredibly hard questions, and what is most frustrating is that in the confines of safety, her office; I still had no answers. I wanted desperately to transport Tex to Waynesboro, Virginia so I could just talk and get some of his perspective. It was really intense. I was asked to journal about it, so that next Thursday I go in with some ideas and thoughts. I have not been able to journal once. I never have been able to when I'm upset. Its weird, but the words just don't come. I have to force myself to blog. Like seriously. I have to make myself sit down and then just write whatever comes out. I will probably print this out and bring it to Nicki. Is that cheating?

The point is that with her guidance and insight I was able to see that I truly have two parts of my personality.

Kari Part 1: Fearless. Completely competent, mature, reliable, and aware. Incredibly focused, determined, competitive, secure. Excited... about everything. Shares. Talks a mile a minute. We also like to lovingly refer to this part as the "manager" of the 2nd part. I never thought about it that way, but I completely do that. I talk myself in and out of things that don't make sense, I am hard on myself, I judge and protect what I think is true. I will do anything I possibly can to never let part 2 out.

Kari Part 2: Scared. Feels like an orphan. Unsure. Terrified of abandonment. Perfectionist turned procrastinator. Negative, mostly cynical. Quiet. Suppresses feelings in silence. Would rather be alone. Runs a race in which has no finish line.

Some of the questions:

What does the scared part really want?

What is it really afraid of?

What is underneath?

What is in the scared closet?

What did commitment let out of the closet?

What happens to the fearful part that the management part is dominating most of the time? Where does it go?

Only in understanding the above I know I will be able to tackle the next part: and thats the recovery. I wish I knew and could blame it easily on family hurt and trauma as a child and adult, poor relationship decisions in the past (but I can't even say that with the exception of one a few years ago). I wish I could just say that I'm scared of being vulnerable in commitment because I'm afraid of what happens if it doesn't work out. I wish that meant I was more afraid of not being independent Kari anymore, that I might actually like being in a partnership that I am not guaranteed to last, and then grieve it when its gone. Truth is, I'm ready for the ring, the dress, and the solidarity that comes from I Do. I am not ready for the dating. I would rather have someone say, "I choose you. I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you", then "Hey, I like you, let's see what happens." The lets see, the I don't know for sure: Freaks me out.

But there is a bigger heart issue here, because I know that while all the above make sense, none of them tear my heart open and the skies don't part with a deep sense and rooted "YES". Maybe that won't ever happen. But I'm searching it out, and I'm exhausted.

I start work on Sunday. It's a short day. I'm excited its a short half day, and I'm excited to end this week on a note progressing towards the future.

I am tired. I am searching. And the most beautiful thing is happening, I am hopeful in both parts of me that war, that I'm on the right path, going in the right direction.

So if you could kindly pray that I would not grow weary, or impatient as I seek the Lord's guidance and heart in this journey.

"Every time You touch me I get lost inside the moment
I am taken far away from this place.
You become the sunlight and I close my eyes to feel You,
All the warmth and love that You radiate.

And I come alive, I come alive, I come alive.

Take a look inside me maybe You can see what’s broken
Maybe You can fix the hole in my heart.
You become the healer and I share with you my sickness
And I kiss the hands that carry my scar.

Every time it happens I am so amazed to see You,
How You meet me at the depths of my pain.
You’re afraid of nothing and it fills my heart with romance,
You would search the ends of earth for my sake." -kendall payne

Amen.