Snapshots and Time Management

Now that I'm working again full time I have sensed my lack of personal time management take a toll on my general mental health. I have not been able to get back into a routine of when I do my laundry, pick up my room, miscellaneous errands, or just some time to be quiet and alone. It has been frustrating and exhausting to be so critical of myself and all that I need to be doing better. 

My job requires that I interact with the public the entire day, and I am thrilled to be able to use my relational skills in the work place... and when I leave work my nightly schedule is typically dominated by the opportunity to see friends that I no longer work side by side with. I love having these two worlds separate, and have noticed the ease in which I am able to enjoy friends now without the pressure of knowing the 'inside camp quirks' in the same way I did when I worked there. But sometimes... I am unable to chose a time for me. I am unable to opt out. I need to be better about this. 

Recently I have had these snapshots shoot through my mind as a means of remembering a place, a time, a thought, a moment, that I desperately want to return too. A few of the include:

1) The Starbucks in Hong Kong. I sat in a particular Starbucks for an entire night just writing, reading, and people watching. I felt content there. I felt happy there. I felt like the distance was just an illusion and if I wanted to see someone I could just call them up and have them meet me there. It was first night I was alone after three weeks traveling with friends in Thailand, and I absolutely relished the notion of peace, quiet, and thinking about all that I had experienced away up to that point. I talked casually to those sitting around me, and I wrote endlessly about the future, the past, and the present. I thought I knew what was going to happen when I got back to the states, I was sure I had the entire thing planned. Looking back on that night of writing I can see how wrong and right I had been in the same moment. Sometimes when driving to work, or doing housekeeping in my house I wish to be transported to that Starbucks in Hong Kong.

2) Christmas Family House Dinner Gift Exchange: Our last House Dinner before Christmas was our gift exchange, and it was a snapshot of love that I have not forgotten. It is easy to complain and sometimes bicker about the things in community that are imperfect, and things that should/need to change to better us all... I will admit I get caught up sometimes in how things, people, and situations need to be better, that I neglect the moments of love, friendship, and family that we have all taken part of. When I have sensed myself impatient recently, I sense my heart linger to a time of complete joy- laughter, tears of gratitude, and joy. I go back to that night. I go back to those glances across the room when a gift was opened, and I go back to the way we all loved each other despite our differences and desires for better. 

3) The Hammock: Last summer when I debated leaving my job I spent many hours wrestling the ideas on the phone while laying in the Hammock at my house. It has become a part of the story, as I remember what I did, who I talked to, and what I said. The intention for my time of unemployment was articulated to my parents and those who loved me as I rested under the trees covered in the shade, swinging back and forth. I laughed while talking about joining the Circus, I cried as I described my torn heart in leaving Staff, and I was still while listening to the encouragement from every important person in my life tell me I was doing the right thing. It was there that the journey into and of self begun... on the hammock sometimes just staring at the trees swaying, sometimes talking, and even a nap or two to rest the heart from the exhaustion. As the work has begun up again in my life, I have desired to sit on the hammock and have it mean the same thing to me now as it did last July. A snapshot. A feeling. I sometimes wish for that. 

I know that the snapshot references are only significant to me. I know that I am living and doing what I am supposed to be doing... even when I am too tired to get the laundry done, or to clean the room... I know that I need to make time to do things I love- like writing here, or for the book, writing friends I have had the opportunity to visit frequently this past year, for sleeping a full night, for baking the cookies for a friend I've wanted to do for weeks... If I could do anything or be anywhere right now though, I am accutately aware it would not be to accomplish any of those things- it would simply be to twinkle my nose, kick my heels and be magically transported to the moments above.