Summer Time

Summer time is approaching. My association with summer coincides with school being let out for the extended break, and camp starting at Rockbridge. The school buses are still tranporting kids from their homes earlier in the day to the insitutions in which they will be filled with all sorts of knowledge about history, math, science- and often times the most influential lessons they will ever know about who they are as people, and what their future purpose will be.

Camp starts up at Rockbridge next weekend, and I have many thoughts about the arrival of the first group as I will not be a witness to all that goes on during their six day stay. I am thankful that I have had the opportunity to love Summer Staff, Interns, Assignment Teams, and Campers in the past. I don't desire that role again, or still, I know that I am not supposed to park my car behind the dining hall and walk across camp to my little office in the Gothic. The truth that I know deeply and truly is that camp is not where I am supposed to be, and it is what combats the love I have still for the ministry that takes place there, and for my best friends that work there. My role will be different, and I am excited that I get to support them in the summer with prayer, encouragement, and an emphathetic ear that will not be overwhelmed by the machine of what camp is at full speed.

I have my own anxiety about being reintroduced to my friends at the end of the summer when their lives calm down, and I have sensed my stress level rise in association with wondering how this summer is going to be not sharing in what they are going to be pouring themselves into. I have prayed as the summer approaches that my fear would subside, and that what would prevail would be my new purpose in light of this very different season.

In the works of purpose I have begun a list of things that I would like to do and accomplish as goals for the next three months. This idea kind of comes from Betty Cabell who last summer had a running of list of things she wanted to do, like making pasta salad, learning Spanish, etc... my list changes daily and for weeks I didn't even think to put it in a compiled format. But the desire to be organized and my little controlling voice that wants EVERYTHING orderly and perfect has reasoned that if I don't start writing it down, I will forget about it. The starting list consists of:

1) Going to the beach and watching the Sunrise.
2) Spending a girls weekend with Julie in Kentucky (which I have already selected a weekend, this list is working out well).
3) Read the four books I took with me on every trip but chose easy reading over.
4) Throwing Matt's 25th Birthday Party in July. Yes Matty, I've been thinking about it a lot recently.
5) Finish the Book.
6) Paint the bathroom... that may not happen until September, but thats ok.

Alright, so its a short list. My mind has a million little ideas and aspirations racing around that I am trying to get together into a purposeful course of action. I think what I am hoping most for is a break. The past five summers have each had their specific challenge and emotional strain, I think its time for this one to go by without any sort of trauma! The anxiety I have associated with death and heartache continues and I have sensed myself get all sorts of sensitive with news of trouble in lives of those I love, almost like I am waiting for a shoe to drop.

How can I allow room in my heart for the Lord to heal these nonsensical worries? I am certain that I am in better hands following His plan and Will. I am convicted of the ways that I need to mature and grow in my relationship with Him. I am overwhelmed with the ways that I am loved well by Him during all the bouts of moodiness, unsatisfaction, and disapointment. He is more then enough. I am not quite sure how to let His abundance and Grace to take a more centerstage precense in my life and allow the corners and crevices that anxiety and doubt reign to disipate. I have hope in the perspective I am able to articulate about this area, I know that understanding this point of view is half the battle. I am thankful that I am past the point of thinking I control everything, or settling for less than I really deserve or desire.

This Summer I have many hopes. I am thankful that hope floats. It will rise above all the things I worry about, and all the things that I will spend too much time thinking about that may never happen. Hope is something that I have taken for granted, at times when I have lacked it- I have envied how others are so easily able to embrace it... and sometimes I have relied on theirs to carry me through.